During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.
1. The sheets are clean-------------------------------54 times
2. It is too late------------------------------------------17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day---------------- 49 times
4. It is too early---------------------------------------- 20 times
5. It is too hot------------------------------------------ 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep-------------------------- 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us------------------------ 3 times
8. Headache-------------------------------------------- 22 times
9. Sunburn-------------------------------------------------7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us---------------------------9 times
11. Not in the mood------------------------------------- 43 times
12. You will wake the baby---------------------------- 17 times
13. Watching the late show----------------------------- 6 times
14. New Hairdo-------------------------------------------- 5 times
15. Too sore---------------------------------------------- 16 times
16. Wrong time of month------------------------------- 36 times
17. Have to get up early------------------------------- 19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there,
4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
2 times I had to wake you up to tell you I'd finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I think that you have gotten things a little confused.
Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
2. Did not come home at all---------------------------------36 times
3. Did not come------------------------------------------------21 times
4. Came too soon----------------------------------------------33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in-------------------------- 33 times
6. Toes cramped---------------------------------------------- 10 times
7. Working too late------------------------------------------- 38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf---------------------- 29 times
9. Had a fight and you got kicked in the balls---------- 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper------------------------- 4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running---------- 3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee----------------------3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger----------------------- 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book----- 16 times
15. Watching football on TV-------------------------------- 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up---------------------------------- 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling.
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
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