ARE YOU RIGHT FOR ME?

Met someone special on a bbs or the internet? Wanna ask them out but not sure if you're willing to take the chance at having a life scarring experience? No problem! Give 'em this little survey to fill out. Then review the answers and decide how willing you are to take your life in your hands. Good luck! 1) My name is:_______________________________. 2) The gender I claim to be is: (M)ale (F)emale 3) My real gender is: (M)ale (F)emale (T)hree-Mile Island 4) The age group I fall into is: (A) 40 and older (B) 30-39 (C) 21-29 (D) 15-20 (E) I wanna be a Power Ranger 5) In the past year, I have had: (A) 1-5 dates (B) 6-10 dates (C) 11-15 dates (D) More than 16 dates (E) I shag sheep 6) I have the proper height/weight ratio for: (A) the average human of my age and gender (B) Gorgo, the four-head Dragon (C) a washer and dryer set (D) Ireland (E) My gelatenous mass cannot be measured at any given moment for I am an ever-shifting entity 7) The reason I stayed at home last Friday night was: (A) the last time I got in a car, all four wheels popped. (B) strict upbringing makes me morally superior. (C) the voices won't let me. (D) it was a bad idea to drown Marge. 8) On a date, I prefer to take my companion/be taken to: (A) a romantic, candlelit Italian caf. (B) International House of Pancakes. (C) Bubba's Beer and Bait Shop. (D) the dumpster behind 7-11. 9) For entertainment, I like to: (A) watch movies/plays. (B) watch cock fights. (C) undulate my twelve chins to the theme of "Bewitched." (D) snap the necks of mammals smaller than me. 10) My idea of the perfect male/female is: (A) Keanu Reeves/Winona Ryder. (B) Trent Reznor/Courtney Love (C) Oral Roberts/Janet Reno. (D) my fist/my fingers. 11) My hobbies are: (A) collectings books/stamps/insects. (B) computers. (C) small Hungarian women named Loopy. (D) eating at least ten times my body weight. (E) acne. 12) My first words were: (A) "Mama/Dada." (B) "Seconds please." (C) "Yours and the souls of your friends shall be mine!" (D) "Touch me... touch me there." 13) My dream career is: (A) millionaire playboy/playgirl. (B) garbage collector so I can cash in on all their nifty benefits. (C) anything with barbed wire. (D) street gang moving target. (E) lard wrestler. 14) I consider my body to be: (A) a temple to the gods of desire. (B) average, but could use work. (C) proof God is far-sighted. (D) I am mainland China. (E) Just write "Titanic" on my ass. 15) If I could have one wish, it would be: (A) peace on earth. (B) piece of William Shatner's ass. (C) four words: Pez, whips, Uma Thurman. (D) a quick and easy cure for genetal warts. 16) I have encountered problems with law enforcement agencies: (A) never/seldom. (B) often, and they always incist on body cavity searches. (C) my family portrait is at the post office. (D) I was arrests #234-289 on "America's Most Wanted." 17) What I would like to accomplish in my life most is: (A) happiness. [Shut up, you hippy] (B) a sixth finger. (C) the ultimate Hellen Keller imitation. (D) working my way into Zsa Zsa Gabor's pants. (E) Ridding the highway of all lone shoes. 18) A nickname my friends may give me would be: (A) Sexy/Ace/Bunny/Sweetie/etc. (B) Scrotum Thief. (C) Commander Nasal Clit and his Amazing Elbow, Sparky. (D) The Thrustinator. (E) Exxxxtacy Maggot. 19) My favorite thing about holidays is: (A) the warm feeling of being with family and friends. (B) food, food, food. (C) it means I'm one year closer to freedom. (D) Grandpa's annual orgy of the Damned. 20) My favorite meal is: (A) a well balanced healthy dinner. (B) whatever's stuck to t he bottom of my chair. (C) Indian boys about 4' tall, 11 years old, 90 lbs. (D) boiled semen with a side order of lovin'. 21) My favorite type of literature is: (A) computer tests like this one. (B) public restroom stalls. (C) anything on the newsgroup alt.beastiality. (D) the magic writing on the back of my foot. (E) the toe tags at the morgue when I'm on my "rounds." 22) My political views are: (A) Democrat (bleeding heart, egg sucking liberal) (B) Republican (money grubbing child molestor) (C) Liberitarian (What's the matter? not enough spine for a real party?) (D) Rastafarian [?] (E) Religious Rights (Jesus groped pigs, loser!) 23) My religious views are: (A) Christian (Molest anyone recently?) (B) Eastern Religions (how's the airport lately?) (C) Jehovah's Witnesses (get away from my front door!) (D) Wicca/Pagan (a sheer cry for attention if there ever was) (E) Agnostic/Atheist (who cares? We're all going to hell!) 24) (For females or Richard Simmonds) When I walk by construction sights, the workers: (A) whistle and cat-call. (B) shield their eyes. (C) jump of the high rise to end it quick and painlessly. (D) throw rocks. (E) Man, they can really aim that demolition ball. 25) If I were an animal in the zoo, I'd be: (A) a love bird. (B) an orangatang, crapping in my hands and throwing it. (C) the dead animal that's been rotting for three days. (D) a deformed, blind baby kangaroo. 26) My favorite type of music is: (A) hard rock with no lyric and talentless bands. (B) country music, cuz I'm a good ol' boy and I like to touch my sister's "fun zones." (C) Tejano music (the soothing rythems of a blaring accordian) (D) Groups like "the Cure" because I can pretend I'm a vampire and act so goddamn dark and depressing when I'm nothing more than a sexually repressed teen who is upset because my father didn't hug me enough and fulfill my bizarre, incestuous fantasies. (E) Classi....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. 27) the best type of pet is: (A) dog. (B) cat. (C) anything that can "spread eagle" quick and likes "heavy petting." (D) Damn you! Damn you! Vulcans need no pets! (E) toasters- don't ask. 28) My last relationship was ruined because: (A) I dropped my pants and he/she laughed. (B) he/she couldn't put up with my habit of ramming my genetalia into pencil sharperners and screaming, "Yes, Captain, I am the Walrus!" (C) his/her is scattered across Delaware- shhh, don't tell. (D) she kept leaving the toilet seat up. 29) If my life had a slogan, it would be: (A) "Get a piece of the rock." (B) [Kool-Aid Man voice] "Oooooh yeah!" (C) "Still legal in 32 states." (D) "Mormon approved." 30) I use my computer most for: (A) work. (B) play. (C) communications. (D) DOOM [no one PLAYS Doom] (E) trapping hapless fools for consumption. (F) trying to discover a user's footsize by handle. (G) a sex slave. (My computer gave me the Michaelangelo virus) 31) What issues concern/interest you the most? (A) AIDS. (B) racism. (C) foreign policy. (D) cattle mutilations. (E) If the Mystique Sponge have tracked me yet. (F) How I can get my hands on the neck of Knight of Nee. 32) A nickname I might give to my penis/my lover's penis would be: (A) "Blastmaster 5000." (B) "The Whopper Chopper." (C) "Linda Blair" [An "Exorcist" joke, you moron!] (D) "The Exxon Valdez." (E) "Limp-a-long Cassidy." 33) a nickname I might give my breasts/my lover's breasts would be: (A) "Clackers." (B) "The Blunder Twins." (C) "Death Valley." (D) "Prickley but Huggable." (E) "Tiny Tumors." 34) The title of my (auto)biography would be: (A) "Sweet Jesus! Thank God he's DEAD!" (B) "Lifestyles of the Mundane and Mediocre." (C) "Spoon Your Way To Fame and Fortune." (D) "Crapping in His/Her Pants." (E) "Still a Virgin." 35) My favorite pick-up line is: (A) "Can I pick your teeth with my (insert random limb)?" (B) "Do I pay you or the guy in the pink suit?" (C) "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?" (D) "I bet I can bench press you!" (E) "Your eyes are so entrancing.. your skin so delicate...wanna f**k?" 36) My sign is: (A) Some zodiac crap. (B) "Child at play." (C) "All you can eat." (D) "Billions and Billions served." (E) "Dip." 37) My dream car is: (A) a 1979 blue Mustang Gia named Laura Palmer. (B) the 1960's Batmobile. (C) a hearse. (D) anything I can fit in the backseat of. (E) an Edsel. 38) My favorite movie is: (A) "Forrest Hump." (B) "Jurrasic Pork." (C) "Clash of the Vibrating Titans!" (D) "Sticky, Slippery, and Four-Legged." (E) "Pancho's Adventures in Urinal Cake Land." (F) "Beach Blanket Cthulhu" (G) "The Top-Heavy Women of the Planet Playtex vs. the Saggy Booby Grandmas of Dimension C-Cup." 39) If I were a Slurpee flavor, I would be: (A) cherry. (B) afterbirth. (C) plunger bacteria. (D) Dr. Schol's Odor Eaters. (E) Boiled watermellon rind with a twist of turpentine. (F) 2000 Flushes. 40) If I ever got the chance to meet the makers of this test, I'd: (A) shower them with love and adoration. [a threat in itself] (B) become the authors' personal tonsil hockey slave. (C) attempt to beat the shit out of them. (D) ask them to autograph my spine. (E) tell them to drop their pants and squeel like a pig.


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