REAL MAN TEST
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device
that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty,
and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike
way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich manoeuver.
C. If you’re a professional football player and a team mate scores a goal to win the World Cup, you may hug him provided that:
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
A. Remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. Reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. Tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
7. You're longtime girlfriend says she’s not asking whether you want to get married,
only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready
anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. You want to spend the rest of your life with the woman you think is true love. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, you say her name, and when she turns to
you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
9. One morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your 3 children ready for school.
Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They’re in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it's turned the color of a dead whale and got new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly
in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife,is quietly trying to
discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the
Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
C. Remote control.
How to Score:
Give yourself 1 point for every "C." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
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