PROFESSORS DIARY

JAN 3rd, 1995 I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic! JAN 4th, 1995 Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained t-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct: They: Do you know what you're doing? Me: This is Belgium, right? They: You have a masters in English? Me: I have a Red Volvo! They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics? Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical! I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population. JAN 5th 1995 Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concienciously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night. Turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless. JAN 6th 1995 I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday. JAN 7th 1995 I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday JAN 8th 1995 I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance. JAN 9th 1995 Being consciencious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sebattical. JAN 12th 1995 My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received JAN 13th 1995 A minor piece of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point.I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one. JAN 14th Being a friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content JAN 17th Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately JUL 17th Back from sebattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises. JUL 18th Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses. JUL 21st My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students.Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy,are openly weeping. JUL 24th I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical,which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy. OCT 24th. Exam day. Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams. OCT 27th I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sebbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.


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