PC DICTIONARY

ANALOG: 
Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts. Served at parties.

BACK-UP:
1. Current Data Errors That Have Been Saved For Future Use. See Database Back-Up Or File Back-Up. 
2. Don't worry, it'll never happen to me. 
3. Mythical ceremony, often discussed, but rarely encountered. See SECURITY COPY. 

BACKWARD RECOVERY:
Reaganomics. 

BADGE READER: 
Convention Goer Who Gets Off On Reading, "Hi, I'm ______" Badges. 

BAGBITING:
What Happens When You Don't Unwrap Your Sandwich. 

BANDWIDTH: 
Limited by the size of the stage 

BANKS: 
Quiet, Air-Conditioned Places Where Your Salary Is Automatically Transferred To Peripheral Salesmen. 

BAR CHART:
A list of places to go when it's Miller time. 

BAR CODE SCANNER: 
A Bouncer Who Checks The Crowd For Jackets And Ties. 

BARREL PRINTER: 
The Guy Who Writes Xxx On Whiskey Kegs. 

BASE ADDRESS:
Low-rent accommodation of the kind frequented by operators, application programmers, and other no-collar workers. 
Even cheaper accommodation is possible - a relative address - if you have an aunt or an uncle living in the area. 

BASIC: 
1. A Programming Language. 
   Related To Certain Social Diseases In That Those Who Have It Will Not Admit It In Polite Company. 
2. Language Of Choice By Non-Programmers. 
3. Something So "Simple" You Need A Computer To Understand 
4. A Computer One-Word Oxymoron. 
5. Language that's unsuitable without additions. 

BATCH PROCESSING:
Cleaning Up A Batch So You Can Say It In Mixed Company. 

BATCH: 
1. A 'Whole Lot' like the batch of biscuits my wife bakes for breakfast. 
2. A Minor Gripe. 

BATTERY BACKUP:
Going in reverse in a golf cart 

BAUD RATE: 
Fee Charged By Loose Women; Usually $5.00 And Up. 

BBS: 
1. A System For Connecting Computers And Exchanging Gossip, Facts, And Uniformed Speculation Under False Names. 
2. Tall Tales Told By Insects That Produce Honey. 
3. Mechanism To Allow The Socially Autistic To Masquerade As Real People And Communicate With 
   One Another By Posting Clever Near-Random Commentary On A Remote Computer. 

BEGINNER:
A Person Who Believes More Than One-Sixteenth Of A Computer Salesperson's Spiel. 

BELL LABS:
Large Black Retrievers That Go "Ding-A-Ling!" Instead Of "Bow, Wow!" 

BENCHMARK:
1. A Test Written Ostensibly To Compare Hardware Or Software, But Actually Used By Manufacturers
   To Misinterpret Or Quote Out Of Context In Advertisements. 
2. Painful Creases Pressed Into Chips From Sitting For Long Periods On Park Benches. 
3. What happens when your saw hits the bench 

BETA TEST VERSION:
Still Too Buggy To Be Released 

BI-DIRECTIONAL: 
A Computerist Who Swings Both Ways. 

BI-POLAR:
An Eskimo Marketing Slogan. 

BI-SYNCH: 
The Place Where Elton John Washes His Hands. 
 
BIGGER ICONS:
Large pictures on PC's screen which don't infringe Apple's copyright. See ICONS. 

BINARY:
1. A Little Yellow Bird That Waves Instead Of Whistles. 
2. A Two-Valued Logic Especially Susceptible To Glitches And Bugs. It Originated As A Way Of Counting On The 
   Thumbs, Since Programming Managers Usually Find Fingers Far Too Confusing. See: Hexadecimal, Octal. 
3. Possessing The Ability To Have Friends Of Both Sexes. 

BIOS:
Legal term for the method used by IBM to settle out of court with it's competitors over copyright problems. 

BIPOLAR:
Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York 

BIT: 
1. 12 1/2 Cents. 
2. The Increment By Which Programmers Slowly Go Mad. 
3. A Word Used To Describe Computers, As In 'our Son's Computer Cost Quite A Bit.' 
4. A One, But It Doesn't Say One What, Or Nothing, So Why Bother With It? 
5. Similar to a nibble. Commonly eight nibbles to a mouthful. (See byte). 
6. The part of the bridle that goes in the horse's mouth. 

BLINDINGLY FAST (200 MHz): 
Almost Fast Enough. 

BLOCK COPY:
There Goes The Neighbourhood. 

BLOCK MOVES: 
What Happens When A Hacker Rents A House On The Street. 

BLOCK PARITY:
One Heck Of A Good Time. 

BOOT:
What Your Friends Give You Because You Spend Too Much Time Bragging About Your Computer Skills. 

BOOTING: 
Arcane term for the aching delay as the PC dutifully checks that it's got all it's bits and pieces. 

BPI: 
A 1960's term used to describe unmentionable parts of the anatomy, as in 'you bet your bpi'. 

BRANCH: 
A Stick Used For Beating. 

BREAKTHROUGH:
It nearly booted on the first try. 

BROADBAND:
an all female rock group 

BUBBLE MEMORY:
1. A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also 'vacuum tube'. 
2. A storage device developed by South Sea Memory Products Inc.The chief advantage of bubbles over floppies 
   is that they can not be folded by the mailman. Whether bubbles will ever replace the hard disk 
   (which is also beyond the bending power of most postal workers) depends on the relative strength 
   of the semiconductor and metallurgical lobbies. 

BUFFER AMPLIFIER:
One Who Brags About It. 

BUFFER STORE: 
Where A Buffer Can't Buy A Thing To Wear. 

BUFFER: 
1. Programmer Who Works In The Nude. 
2. System Engineer Who Works In The Nude. 

BUG: 
1. An Elusive Creature Living In A Program That Makes It Incorrect. The Activity Of "Debugging," 
   Or Removing Bugs From A Program, Ends When People Get Tired Of Doing It, Not When The Bugs Are Removed. 
2. What Your Eyes Do After You Stare At The Tiny Green Computer Screen For More Than 15 Minutes. 
   Also: What Computer Magazine Companies Do To You After Getting Your Name On The Mailing List. 
3. A Small German Car Found In American Automakers' Computer Programs In The 60's. 
4. Any Program Feature Not Yet Described To The Marketing Department. 
5. Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. 

BUNDLED:
Of or relating to an arbitrary collection of software items offered as seen, without charge or warranty, 
to certain prospects in a competitive environment. Of interest to sociolinguists is the fact that the dp usage
of bundled was triggered by the prior introduction of the antonym "unbundled" by IBM the previous day.
See Unbundling. 

BURST SPEED: 
The Velocity At Which Hackers' Egos Pop When Confronted By A 12 Year-Old Micro-Kid.

BUS:
A Connector You Plug Money Into, Something Like A Slot Machine.

BUSINESS GRAPHICS: 
Popular With Managers Who Understand Neither Decimals, Fractions, Percentages, Roman Numerals, 
But Have More Than A Passing Acquaintance With Pies And Bars. 

BYTE: 
1. Painful Wound Inflicted By Dogs, Snakes, Children Etc. 
2. Short For "Buyit." Refers To How Many Peripherals You'll Have To Purchase To Support A Computer, 
   Eg: There Are 8 "Buy It," 16 "Buy It," And 64 "Buy It" Computers. 
3. Eight Bits, Or One Dollar (In 1950 Terms). Presently Worth About Two- Tenths Of A Cent And Falling Fast. 
4. A mouthful, as in 'How many bytes in a Big Mac?' 
5. What the horse might try to do when you put the bit in its mouth. 

CHARACTER DENSITY: 
The number of very weird people in your office.

CHIP: 
Any number of small crunchy objects often served with onion dip.

CODE: 
Usually lasts three to five days, accompanied by a sore throat and runny nose.

COMMAND: 
Statement presented by a human and accepted by the computer in such a manner as to make the 
human feel as if he is in control.

COMPILE: 
A heap of decomposed vegetable matter.

CURSOR: 
An expert in the use of four-letter words.

DEBUG: 
The act of placing shoe leather against a small creeping creature.

FLOPPY DISCS: 
A defect occurring in all 1982 disc drives, necessitating a factory recall.

GLITCH: 
Scientific name for the little balls of fuzz that collect in navels.

HARDWARE: 
Typically boots, leather, and chains. Contrast with Software.

INTERFACE: 
The opposite of "Getouttamyface".

K: 
A term used in employment ads to disguise how much they are really willing to pay.

KEY-PUNCHING: 
An activity similar in many aspects to cowpoking.

MEGAHERTZ: 
A very large car rental company.

MODEM: 
A contraction. Commonly used as in "Give me modem cookies."

NETWORK: 
The occupation of a fisherman.

OUTPUT: 
What people who talk backwards do with their cat.

RAM: 
A male sheep with horns.

REAL-TIME: 
Here and now, as opposed to fake time which only occurs there and then.

ROM: 
A Ram after a delicate operation.

SEMI-CONDUCTOR: 
A person hired to lead an orchestra before he has graduated from the famous director's school.

SERIAL PROCESSING: 
The procedure through which corn flakes are arrived.

SOFTWARE: 
Typically silk nightgowns, nylons: contrast with Hardware.

TRANSISTOR: 
A sibling: e.g. a transbrother.

VACUUM TUBE: 
A derogatory term. See Bubble memory.

... SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.


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