Call me at the Mental Hospital if you want to reach me, I'm being forcefully admitted. My specs are so good, that when I look on a map I can see people waving back. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis. Im so tired, even the mirror slapped me in the face this morning! Why is it, I have to take a train and two buses just to get on your good side??!! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Of all the things that I have lost, I miss my mind the most. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. A device for finding furniture in the dark. Aint that always the way!! If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Don't be so open-minded, your brains fall out. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!" You're so daft that you tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! You're so cuckoo that even Rice Krispies won't talk to you! You're so smart that if I gave you a penny for your intelligence, I'd get change!! I think if brains were leather, you wouldn't have enough to saddle a flea!! I think you look pretty lonely and would like some company so here's a blow up doll. You're so cuckoo, you think a quarterback is a refund! You're so cuckoo, you thought Malcom X was Malcom the tenth. While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife and Darth Vader is making obscene phonecalls.

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