TAVA'S CHURCH HUMOR PAGE

Here you will find some of the funniest Jokes that I have found on the web

and also that my Deacons have told me.

These jokes are clean and they also poke freindly fun at us christians {not at God}

So sit back take your shoes off and stay awhile!

'Is there anything worse than blindness? Oh, Yes! A person with sight and no vision!' helen keller

If You Want to Kill the Church

Never go to your church or meetings held there,

If you do go, be late, it's no one's affair.

If the weather is bad, either too hot or snowing,

Just stay home and rest, for there'll be others going.

But should you attend, be sure and remember

To find fault with the work, each official and member.

Be sure to hold back on your offerings and tithes,

The bills will be paid by the rest of the guys.

And never take office if offered the post,

But eagerly criticize work of the host.

If not on a committee you're placed, be sore!

If you find that you are, don't attend any more.

When asked your opinion on this thing or that,

Have nothing to say, just turn 'em down flat.

Then after the meeting, shine out like the sun

By telling the folks how it should have been done.

Don't do any more than you possibly can,

Leave the work for some other woman or man.

And when you see faithful ones work themselves sick,

Then stand up and holler, "It's run by a clique!"

Sadly this is true in alot of cases

 

You Might be a Preacher if......

1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.

2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching  only to awaken and discover you were.

3. You've wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.

4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.

5. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you are preaching on Sunday.

6. A church picnic is no picnic.

7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.

8. You drive a Buick with more than 100,000 miles on it.

9. People sleep while you're talking.

10. It's Sunday, but Monday's coming.

11. You feel guilty when you go fishing.

12. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."

13. You've been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.

14. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.

15. You'd rather talk to people with their heads bowed and every eye closed.

16. You've ever wanted to 'lay hands' on a deacon's neck.

You Know It's a Bad Meeting When... 
1. The church loudmouth rises to his feet and announces dramatically, "I can no longer remain silent.." 

2. Mike Wallace and the 60 Minutes crew are there to film it.

3. Your picture ends up on a milk cartoon.

4. People arrive at meeting, clutching copies of books about "spiritual abuse."

5. The church constitution suddenly becomes revered as the most important legal document since the Magna Charta.

6. The little blue-haired lady who's in charge of the nursery pounds the lectern with her shoe and screams, "We will bury you!"

7. The next day your spouse books a one-way flight out of the state and doesn't invite you to come along.

8. Your neighbors hear about the meeting on their police scanners.

9. A loyal supporter presses a can of Mace into your hands.

10. Another loyal supporter presses a can of Coors into your hands.

11. Another loyal supporter presses Jack Kevorkian's business card into your hands.

12. You're asked to try on a pair of bloody gloves.

13. People begin referring to you as "our former pastor."

14. Your Pastor brings his lawyer to the next meeting.
Top Ten Things People Won't Say When They See the Christian Bumper Sticker or the More Subtle Fish Symbol On Your Car:

 

10. "Look! Let's stop that car and ask those folks how we can become  Christians." 

9. "Don't worry, Billy, those people are Christians -- they must have a good reason for driving 90 miles an hour.

8. "What a joy to be sharing the highway with another car of Spirit-filled  brothers and sisters." 

7. "Isn't it wonderful how God blessed that Christian couple with a brand-new BMW?" 

6. "Dad, how come people who drive like that don't get thrown in jail?" "Dad, can we get a bumper sticker like that, too?" 


5. "Stay clear of those folks, Martha. If they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road!" 


4. "Oh, look! That Christian woman is getting a chance to share Jesus with a police officer." 


3. "No, that's not garbage coming out of their windows, Bert -- it's probably gospel tracts for the road workers." 


2. "Oh, boy, we're in trouble now! We just rear-ended one of God's cars." 


1. "Quick, Alice, honk the horn or they won't know that we love Jesus!" 
 


Ways to Know you are in the wrong Church...

-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.

- They have ATM machines in the lobby.

- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.

- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

- They have karaoke worship time.

- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.

- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.

- The church bus has gun racks.

- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.

- The choir wears leather robes.

- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"

 

 

 

 10 Reason Not to Wash


In one church, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why people don't go to church, included "Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash" in the Sunday bulletin:


1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else
3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
4. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends wash
7. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
8. I can't spare the time.
9. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.
10. People who make soap are only after your money.

Sometimes it DOES take a rocket scientist: Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields." "British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions." "NASA responded with a one-line memo: 'Thaw the chicken'."

This peice of humor was sent to me by a friend in Washington, Thanks Anne

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Excuses Given by Guards at the Empty Tomb of Jesus

"I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when I tried to give him a tip!"

"I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"

"With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was abducted by aliens

"As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal definition of "escape", we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"

"All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!

"Hey! What'd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of God?--NOOOOOOOOO

"What's the big deal? He said He'd be back!"

Top Ten Reasons For Sitting At The Front Of The Church

<10. Statistics show that the front of the church building is the safest in the event of a natural disaster.

9. You can see if anything's caught between the Rector's teeth. Then watch him as you smile and point.

8. There's still lots of padding in these kneelers since they are almost like new.

7. You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of your shirt.

6. It's easier to trip the Ushers and Deacons 4. You're the Treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection.

3. You want to justify that feeling you've always had that every ones looking at you.

2. You're mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one sits beside you.

And the #1 reason for sitting at the front of the church is.......

<1. You actually love worshipping God and feeding on His Word and Sacrament! BECAUSE YOU LOVE GOD!