time flies...
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: "Thank Goodness" from Wicked
December 2? Wow, has it really been that long? I have completely lost all track of time. I am spinning in so many directions, juggling so many priorities that I have no time to think or rest. Right now, everyone in my life needs something from me. My kids are becoming teens and all the fighting and conflict that goes hand in hand with that keeps every minute of my attention when I am home. I can’t get a moment to myself until they are asleep. I have returned to work part time and have been made a designated learning coach, so when I am at work I have about 15 people I am trying to train, everyone at a different place in their learning journey and each demanding a different amount of one on one time and supervision. I have 5 different friends/family members with various crashed computers that I have been working on. I have 3 commissions (drawings) to complete that will require about 25 – 40 hours to complete (without interruption). I have no auctions online right now because I’ve been too busy to do anything except commissions, so I am loosing money right now that I really need. I’m trying to purchase items off eBay for several people and that can take quite a bit of time. I’m in so much pain I can barely walk right now (I’ve begun using a cane now). I am slowly loosing everything I have because of my reduced income. In the end though, other then being a little scared about where the next house payment is coming from, I guess I am doing okay. I’m frustrated and a bit confused but all in all, I am very thankful for where I am and how far I have come. I guess in a lot of ways, waking up 9 months after my car accident with a blank slate where my mind used to be was very helpful. Other people carry scars their whole life that are painful once again when you take the time to look at them; Maybe failures, lost things, lost people, embarrassing moments. For me now, my past is like a book I remember reading but the details are getting fuzzy and the feeling of it is wearing off. I can look at my scars now and while I can remember how I got most of them, I no longer remember what it felt like getting them. I think that makes me very lucky. My best friend isn’t always happy with who I am now because she doesn’t understand the change in me. All of my pain is physical now, or at least 95% of it. It used to be that 95% of my pain was emotional. I was thinking about what I remember of my past, who I was, what I went through, what I fought so hard for, and now I can say that I am okay with it but I don’t want to ever go back to that place again. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t feel whole. I didn’t feel peace. I didn’t feel joy. Now, no matter what I struggle through, I have peace and that is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

The Myth Of Red

I live in shades of black and white.
I am drawn to the dark…
I rise to the lure of the lights.
I am seduced by the pulsating,
Pounding sounds that spell danger.
I am in constant conflict.
I am touched by the sweet,
The good, the kind.
I am passionate about the dark,
The tumultuous.

I am rippted apart… torn in two by
The battles I fight within my heart

faith the size of a mustard seed
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: folsom prison blues - Johnny Cash
Topic: my artistic efforts
I just sold my second drawing on ebay. I have mixed feelings about it because only 1 person bid on it but I had 4 watchers. In other words, I didn’t make as much off of this picture as I expected. My feelings are mixed because I am glad that I sold another picture AND the buyer has placed a bid on another one of my pictures but this is one of the finest drawings of my life and it didn’t get the attention I had hoped for. Still, I am getting attention as this was not the same person who purchased my other drawing. I need to get more done so I can list more. I’ve been feeling ill for a week though and I’ve been in so much pain that I haven’t had the energy to do much of anything. I made myself get up today though. This is the first day we have had sun in a week. It’s been raining and been very cold. Cold cuts through me like a knife. So, today I helped mom with some things and then I came home and cleaned up the kitchen. As physically drained and in pain as I am, I still can not get my kids to help me more. Nothing motivates them. I’m also looking at going to work part time. It will cut my income to ¼ of what I was making before but I love what I do and where I work. I am not sure how it will affect my benefits but I’m looking into it. Lord willing, my pictures will begin to bring in the extra money. I still believe that He’s doing something in my life, stirring me in a new direction. I believe he has a plan and I intend to follow it. This is just a small start. Even the giant Redwoods started out as a seed…

time keeps on slipping
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Second Day by Delago
Topic: living fibromyalgia
Wow, I didn’t realize how much time has passed since last time I updated this thing. Real life has gotten in the way again. Let’s see, what’s been going on? Hmm. Insurance is denying my disability claim. They think my ‘diagnosis is too vague’, the problem is in my head, the treatment isn’t aggressive enough, etc. I keep taking papers to the doctor to fill out for this company or that department. It’s been a real pain. I thought all the paperwork was filled out in April and May. Anyway, my next blood test is scheduled for November. They will check my ANAs and see if there is any change. As for how I am doing, the weather has changed and so has my health. This past week has been really rough. Today I slept most of the day. I have a lot of trouble taking naps but today I couldn’t stay awake. My whole body hurts and I feel ill. My head has hurt for at least a week. One night, my daughter came into my room while I was getting ready for bed, fluffing my pillows and everything. I was in so much pain, I broke down crying in front of her. I have been very careful not to let my kids see my pain. I don’t want to scare them. But I couldn’t help myself. I felt like I had been beaten across the back of the head with a baseball bat. I collapsed into bed and she curled up around me and patted my shoulder telling me that it would be okay. She held me until I quit crying and started breathing normally again. Then she tucked me in and turned out my light. It’s a strange reversal of roles. My head hasn’t hurt quite that bad since that night but my arms have sharp pains in them, I have a strange clicking noise in my right ear, I am very tired and unmotivated and I don’t even feel like eating right now. Despite the rough physical week, I have made myself spend time drawing. I have 3 pictures listen on Ebay right now. They look pretty good but one in particular is one of the best pictures I have ever drawn. It’s of Joe Flannigan who plays John Sheppard on Atlantis. It looks so good I want to keep it for myself but I will have to settle for a scan. *fingers crossed and praying* Right now I am worried about loosing my job. I’ve been trying to get transferred to this area. I have been off work for several months now but my doctor released me to work about 25 hours a week to see how I handle it. He has been skeptical all along and encouraging me to try to find a way to work from home. I have to step down from my position as a manager because I can no longer meet the work requirement. Unfortunately I am not getting call backs. I am expecting to get ‘dismissed for job abandonment’ at this point because my calls are going unreturned. If I do, well, then I will just file for unemployment and pray my way through it as I have been all year. God has been working miracles in my life. Every time I am down to the wire, he comes through for me. Every need has been met thus far and I have no doubts that they will continue to be met. I am hopeful, not fearful. Things are going to be okay.

Historic Firsts
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Here With Me - Dido
Topic: my artistic efforts
I sold my first drawing! http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=250026263284&ssPageName=STRK:MESO:IT&ih=015 It’s not a lot of money but it is a start. I’m in my 30’s and as many art projects as I have worked on in my life, I’ve never sold anything. I’m not getting my hopes up but I am spending a lot of time surfing the internet for photos and I’ve been checking out stacks of books and magazines from the library. I’m scanning in images and printing everything out on 4x6 photo gloss paper so I can clip it to my work board. *fingers crossed and praying*

Happy Birthday To Me
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Stabat Mater IXXI - Sasha Lazard
Topic: my artistic efforts
Today’s my birthday. I finished a great drawing of Claudia Black as Vala Mal Doran from SG-1. I spent half the night last night looking up hieroglyphics to write the name of Quetesh on a cartouche for the picture and then low and behold I found an actual glyph with her name on it! Lucky me. The picture looks great. I’m improving faster then I thought I would. My hands and arms are killing me, though. I really need a drafting table. Right now I am working on a drafting board and I lay in bed propped up with pillows. Sitting in a chair for a long time can really kill my legs and the average drawing will take me 5-8 hours to complete. I take frequent breaks but I am trying to treat it like a job. If I can support myself with my art, it will make all the difference in the world. I intend to keep drawing and as a little money comes in, I will upgrade my supplies, eventually getting a comfy chair and a drafting table. I imagine the chair will come first though. Won’t do any good to spend $80 on a table that I can’t sit at for more then a few minutes at a time. Who knows, maybe the chair will be good enough that I can just work at the dinning room table for a while.

is it morning already?
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: "Brain Bug" by Square Pusher
Topic: living fibromyalgia
I don’t exactly know what my problem was today but I woke up worse then I was yesterday. I could not get out of bed. I could not get out of the fog that surrounded me. It was like falling into a vat of cotton candy. The more I tried to get my bearings and climb out of it, the more mucked up I got. I didn’t fully wake up till almost 2 pm today. It wasn’t just me though. I talked to my mother and my best friend and both of them had a problem getting up today. Maybe it’s the weather change. FBS is a cruel joke. Some doctors still think it’s a mental condition. More and more doctors are coming to believe that it is a real condition. I was fortunate to have a specialist who believes it’s a real condition. Of course, it is not the diagnosis I was hoping for when I got sent to the rheumatologist. When I went to see my primary care physician, I was expecting to have knee surgery. I was in so much pain that I was using box tape to tape my knee caps up so I could get through work each day. I would cry all the way too and from work because I was in so much pain. Not just my knees, but they were by far the most debilitating. I felt like I was dying. Because of my car accident a few years ago, my doctor had me collect all of the records from every doctor I have seen in the 3 years. Something came back in my blood tests though. At first they thought I had lupus. I was checked for it and Hepatitis but the test came back negative. I could have Rheumatoid Arthritis or something like that because of the ANAs (Antineucleic Antibodies) present in my blood but for the time being, I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I am continuing to be monitored by both my pcp (primary care physician) and my rheumatologist. I’ve been off work for a few months now and have had considerable improvement with the treatment. I have more good days then bad days. My pcp thinks that I will never be able to work a normal job and has recommended I find a way to work from home. I’ve been trying to find a way to do so. My pcp would like me to try working about 20 hours a week starting in the middle of September. His concern is that I will crash unexpectedly (like today) and have trouble functioning at work. I have to step down from a management position at work because I am no longer physically able to do my old job. I am hoping that my insure will cover job retraining so I can still earn what I was making before or at least close to it. Funny, I’m wide awake now that I should be going to sleep! I hadn’t really planned on doing this but I guess I am going to keep a blog about my progress so I can look back and see how I’m doing. Maybe I can help someone else, too. Have questions about FMS?

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/6/1680_51250.htm
http://www.webmd.com/hw/fibromyalgia_cfids/hw196368.asp

remember when...
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas
Topic: living fibromyalgia
I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty tough girl. As a child, I used to craft swords and shields and then hang logs embedded with sharp object from high tree branches. When you spin the log on the rope and wind it up, the give it a push and let go, it begins to spin erratically and can actually be dangerous if it hits you. That was my idea of a good time. I was a bit of a shut in. I didn’t live in a safe neighborhood, I was a latch key kid and my days were spent hiding behind the walls of a 6 foot privacy fence. My best friend was my imagination and my worst enemy was that log which was a dragon, monster, black knight or whatever I needed it to be depending on what adventure I was playing. Now days we call it LARP (Live Action Role Play) but in the 80’s it was just called crazy.

I can remember getting into lots of fist fights growing up as well. I never started them, just finished them. I never bothered to defend myself from words. I didn’t care what other people thought about me or tried to say or do to me. It was always when I witnessed someone else getting abused that I stepped in to break it up. That’s when fists came my way and I always seemed to win, probably because I didn’t care about getting hurt and I had already spent a lot of time with shards of glass and nails swinging towards my head.

I can remember climbing up the sides of my Granny Heath’s barn by rope, climbing up to the top of the hay bales and jumping off. I think I was 4 or 5 at that point. I can remember being more afraid of the gigantic banana spiders then of the large drop. I also remember cutting through the cow pasture on that farm and being chased by the bull.

When I was a bit older, I can remember trips to Wisconsin and Minnesota. I was not only an avid fisherman but an amateur geologist and astronomer. When other 12 year olds were still playing with their Barbie’s and starting to play with makeup, I was spending my days winding my way through the wilderness from lake to lake by way of creeks and streams. I had a 1935 USN Mark I knife with me (a gift from dad; Collecting knives and sci-fi were the only common ground we had when I was a kid) and a fishing pole. I was typically barefooted and would wander from dawn to dusk. I had to be back by the cabin by dusk or mom would worry. In those days it was safe to let your kids wander. The only things dangerous were the bears. I would eat berries and plants that I recognized as safe. I would use my knife to pry open fresh water clam shells to eat as well (On a side note, raw clams for lunch don’t go well with Captain Crunch for breakfast).

Sometimes we would go to state parks, waterfalls, cliffs, rivers. I had a small tap hammer, a draw string bag and a pocket sized guide to identifying rocks. I would get off of the trails and climb down sheer cliff faces to get crystals and other fantastic rocks for my collection. 25 years later, I’m still picking up rocks, a habit my son has also picked up. I’m constantly finding handfuls in his pockets when I do the laundry.

In 1985, I got my first telescope. I spent every night of the year looking up at the stars and planets. I had star charts and moon maps hanging on my bedroom walls. I also learned every myth for every constellation. At some point I began skipping recess and lunch to hang out in the library to read books on mythology, science, ancient cultures and unexplained mysteries (UFOs, Bermuda triangle, etc). I can remember in 4th grade trying to read the Odyssey by Homer.

As I got older, I had a sparing partner and we would use bokens (wooden swords) to have fights in the fire exits and alley ways behind the mall I used to work out. I guess you could say we were playing “Highlander” or something like that. I always kept 2 swords in my trunk so if anyone wanted a go, I was prepared. His name was Dale. We called him “Beret Guy” because he always wore a beret when came in for his coffee. He’d lean on my bar and ask what time I got off work and if I wanted to play. He used to have a dojo and had taught marshal art at one time. I had learned Victorian fencing. It made for an interesting combination. Sometimes we got hurt, sometimes we just wore each other out. Usually he won but I was always proud of every hit I scored. In retrospect, I’m very surprised we never got arrested.

I guess the reason I am thinking of all of this tonight is because today was a crash day. I have up days and down days. I have overexerted myself this week and today I have been in pain and fatigued all day. Stargate is on tonight and I am looking very much forward to it but I’ve been dozing off. I came to my computer to keep myself engaged and well, this is what happened. It’s time like these that I can’t believe I am incapable of the things I used to do. Will I ever climb another tree? Will I ever climb another cliff face? Will I ever spend days wandering through the wilderness? Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better or at least well enough to take a walk in the woods and think about what I would be doing if I had my health back.

a bit about how i got here
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: living fibromyalgia
Most of my life has been lived in my head. As a very precocious child, my toys were wooden swords, toy guns, action figures and words instead of the Barbie’s and baby dolls that most girls preferred. Blue jeans and flannel shirts (or sometimes a toga) were much preferred over lacey dresses and flowered jumpers. Not only did I read every Science Fiction or Fantasy book I could get my hands on but I would sometimes spend hours at a time writing stories about my favorite characters and their adventures. I even wrote a Star Trek novel when I was 20 but never really attempted to get it published. Some heroes were popular culture (Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, etc.) and others were my own creation. I would draw illustrations for my stories as well. As I grew older, I never grew out of my love for Science Fiction and Fantasy or for drawing. I’ve always collected everything I could get my hands on, from magazines and comics to action figures and books. I always hoped to be able to support myself with my creative gifts but after going through a divorce and having the task of raising two children by myself, work took over and I had little time for my creative side.

After 10 years working my way up in the coffee industry, working towards an apprenticeship in an agronomy office in Costa Rica, I now find myself facing the possibility of never being able to work a normal job again. Several years ago, I was hit head on by a suspected car thief. I was driving on the toll road through Gary, IN when an SUV came up the wrong way of an exit. I was on a bridge at the time and there were barriers on both sides of me. The truck hit my front end, ripping the bumper off of my little Saturn and throwing me into the outside concrete barrier. At first, I thought I was flying off the bridge. It was late at night and once the airbag went off, all I could see was smoke and darkness and all I could feel was a spinning sensation. My only thoughts were, “Lord, please help my children live without me.” The next thing I saw was headlights and the shadow of a person coming to pull me out of the car. My car had bounced off the wall and spun circles back towards the center of the road. The SUV had cut through construction barrels further down the road and merged with traffic going the other way. He was never caught.

I have very few memories of the next 6 months. It was nothing short of a miracle that I had survived with very few injuries. After seeing a neurologist, I finally began to come out of my haze but awoke with a blank slate instead of the fully developed personality I had had before the accident. I could remember who I had been, but I no longer felt or thought like her. I had changed in ways that I could not understand. I started delving back through the loves of my childhood, rereading my favorite books and rewatching my favorite movies and television shows. I tried very hard to reshape myself into the woman I had been before the accident. Now, 3 years later, the memories of who I used to be are more like a book I can remember reading but the feel of it has worn off. I’ve forgotten too many things, specific events, people and places. I still have images and still feel the essence of it, but much of it is gone forever.

I am fairly happy with who I am now. It’s difficult to explain to people. I just joke about it and blame it on ‘brain damage’ or say I was the inspiration for Dori in “Finding Nemo.” I have continued to have constant immobilizing pain, fatigue and memory problems. I had lost the fine motor controls required to draw. I couldn’t read a book for 2 years and once I finally was able to read again, it was at a 4th grade reading level. I had even lost my refined sense of taste which had made me a master in my field. Everything that held importance for me had been taken from me, everything but my children and my faith. In a way, it has been a blessing though because my children and I grew closer, in a way that we hadn’t been since their father left. We are closer now then we have ever been.

I am out of work right now on short term disability while being treated by a rheumatologist. I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and ANAs are present in my blood, pointing towards a connective tissue disorder. My physician doesn’t expect me to be able to return to work so I have been trying to find ways to make extra money at home. While my body is still not whole, my refined palette has reawakened, I’ve had several new ideas for stories, I’m reading 1,000 page novels again and even my drawing skills are returning. I’ve decided to sell my collectables, except for my Farscape goodies. One by one, I’m sorting through my past and letting things go (via Ebay). I also decided to try selling my drawings. I’m not where I used to be, but hopefully it will help me supplement my income while I refine my skill.

A message to the SciFi channel
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: "The Mummer's Dance" by Loreena McKennitt
Topic: Stargate SG-1
By cancelling SG1, you are risking a very large portion of your audience. Many of us only pay for satellite/cable in order to watch SG1, Atlantis and BSG. Some of us even chip in an extra $5-$10 per month so we can DVR it and watch it over and over again. You keep breaking up seasons, moving time slots and changing your line up in such a way that many times the only way we can watch is to DVR it. With your recent decision to drop SG1, I am beginning to think that getting the few SciFi shows I do watch off of ITunes is much more cost effective then paying for premium services just to watch your channel. I could save myself a good $50 a month and get great commercial free copies to boot. You have a proven track record for dropping excellent shows in favor of broadcasting poorly made flotsam and non-genre jetsam (wrestling, soaps). You also seem to be leaning towards becoming a ‘TV Land’ of the SciFi world by primetime broadcasting of reruns of already cancelled shows. I truly hope that if you follow through with this decision that whoever does pickup SG1 wants Stargate Atlantis as a package deal. Let’s see how good your channel ratings are when 2 million fans start downloading their favorite shows and turn SciFi off for good.

nkob
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: "Ode To Innocence" by Sasha Lazard
Topic: Stargate SG-1
When Richard Dean Anderson left SG-1, I wasn't happy about it but as a parent who spent far too much time working and not enough with my young children, I completely understand his reasoning. I also can see in recent interviews that he seems to be interested in an increased involvement with various Stargate projects. As kids get older, they don't 'need' you around as much. My kids are at the stage in life now. While I am a hard-core Scaper (Farscape fan) and was pleased to see Ben and Claudia join the show, it took some getting used to. The uneasiness that we felt as the viewers was mirrored in the characters as they got to know each other and began to bond. This is just another example of how real the characters are to us and how emotionally involved we are with them. The only person who seemed attached right away was Carter and a past familiarity seemed to be implied by their conversations.

In anticipation of season 10, I re-watched seasons 1 through 9. (I have Dish so I can DVR everything. I also have my computer hooked up to my DVR so I edit out the commercials and makes DVDs so I can watch the episodes over and over again. As the box sets are released, I purchase them and give my home made copies to my children.) As I was re-watching Season 9, I noticed that I enjoyed it much more then I did the first run. I’ve noticed the same thing with Atlantis. We have grown so comfortable with our ‘friends’ that any change in the dynamic of the group sets our equilibrium off for a time. Think back to when you were still in school, when someone moved away or a new kid came to school. It changed how your group of friends interacted with each other and the ease and comfort zone that you used to have took some time to return. SG-1’s Comfort level is returning. The stories are more focused on plot then character development now and they are stepping up the pace of things. We’ve gotten over the ‘new kid on the block’ phase and Cameron, Vala and Hank are becoming part of the gang.

Change has always been a part of life, a difficult part, but always there. It is unreasonable to believe, even in a fantasy world, that 10 years could go by without any changes in the main players, especially in a military setting. During an “Increasing Human Effectiveness” class I took at work, someone said, “If you’re not green, you’re not growing”. It really stuck with me. Think about it. What happens when things stop growing? Stop moving? Stop changing? Decay sets in. Rot sets in. If the tributaries that provide fresh water to a small lake are blocked up, the lake becomes stagnant and incapable of supporting life. It has to be renewed, refreshed, in order to regain the nutrients leached from it by it’s inhabitants. If you strip the leaves off of a small tree, it will wither and die. If SG-1 is going to continue to mirror true life then change is necessary; Death, retirement, promotions, transfers, new recruits, new enemies, new allies and conflicts are all necessary. If nothing ever changed on SG-1 then there would be no risks and without risks, we would never have been so compelled to sit on the edge of our seats in anticipating week after week for 10 years.

Change is good.