The nature of life in reality . . .
living in sin
7/27/99
I'm getting married in less than three months.
I am (or will be in three days) a 26-year-old, college educated woman with my own car, a relatively well paying job, health insurance, a big body/self-image problem, and a life of my own. I love my parents, but I don't want to live with them anymore.
I went away to college. Granted, Murfreesboro was only a four hour drive but I had some distance. I did the dorm thing and I had an apartment for two and a half years. I had roommates (that's an entirely different entry) but I lived pretty much independently. When I graduated from college, I moved out of my apartment and into a room in the basement of my parents' new house. They had moved out of the house I grew up in during my junior year of school and they were still doing construction. I lived in the basement with Mom and Dad and the three cats. I didn't like it. It wasn't home. No matter how hard I tried (or didn't try), I couldn't make it feel right.
I went through a very bad time in that room in the basement. I ended a long term relationship (or rather had an abrupt ending thrust upon me) and I spent the better part of a year feeling sorry for myself and deciding to find a social life again. I found that social life when I left the house. I found comfort in friends that lived in the city. I met James. I began to spend less time at home and more time downtown. James got an apartment. I stayed with him more. We discovered that neither one of us was happy when the other was away. These things happen in a relationship. It is natural that you want to stay near the person that you love.
My mother doesn't understand this. She thinks that I should be living at home until we get married. I've known that she doesn't approve of my intentions but I ignored them for the most part. Last night she cornered me and I got really upset.
How do you choose happiness? I don't want to upset my family. My parents and I are very close and it hurts me to know that a choice that makes me happy is causing them distress. But, I can only hope that they know how they raised me. I am a good and decent person. I haven't committed (all that many) deplorable crimes or breeches of etiquette. I just want to stay in a place that feels like home to me. I can honestly say that I'm sorry that our one bedroom apartment in a downtown high-rise is that place. I wish I could have two homes. Maybe someday I will.
Until then, I'll plan the wedding and try to enjoy what is left of my "being single."
Funny thing is, I hated being single.
I guess three months sacrifice is worth making a Mom happy.
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