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New Additions

It must be the month for babies. Andrew Skyler Held (Drew) came into the world on Monday October 4th at 12:05 p.m. weighing in at 6lbs, 7oz. His mother, the eternal flower child, insisted that natural was the way to go and held off on the drugs until she reached seven centimeters. Then she decided drugs were a good thing. Good girl. Even though I haven’t really seen much of Angie during the pregnancy, I feel kind of close to the kid. He went to Mardi Gras with us last year. Of course he was too shy to actually yell “Throw me somthin’ mistah!” but I’m sure he’ll catch on to the act quickly enough.

Angie was too cute. She told us that she was “with child” the night before we left. It didn’t come as a surprise to any of us, really. You see, Angie is one of those people who just feels incomplete without the trappings of Motherhood. All you have to do is look at her past relationships to see that. Angie’s a Mom. She always has been. Just now, she has a kid (or should I say a biological entity of her own) to go along with it. Congratulations honey.

On the other side of the river, Emily Tyler Massey showed up. She arrived, “10/8/99 at 4:01 p.m. 7 lbs, 5 oz, 21 inches in length. 10 fingers, 10 toes...” Mom and Dad are very proud. She is my new second cousin-in-law. My extended family is growing by leaps and bounds and I’m not even married yet!

I’m confident that Mom and Daddy-O will keep us well informed on her progress. Tim (the aforementioned Daddy-O and James’ first cousin) is the proud owner of a digital camera. He always has it with him. He’s quite good with it actually. He keeps sending me pictures and I keep intending to upload them so that I can share them with all you fine folks. But, situation gets in the way of intention and that doesn’t get done. Hopefully I’ll sit down at a computer soon and do that. I’d do it from here (work) but we have a firewall. ‘Nuff said.

Donovan Tanner Schwartz (James - and by proxy my – nephew) was born back in May. But, that has nothing to do with what I’m talking about now. It’s called a segue.

I had my batchelorette party last Saturday night. Sonya had a lot of fun finding ways to embarrass me. She had been on a three-week hunt for glow in the dark condoms. She was still looking for them on Friday and I thought I was safe . . . then she talked to Leah. Curses!

I’m a fun kind of person. I’m loud and obnoxious on occasion and I’m not above publicly humiliating myself. However, I found the prospect of the traditional batchelorette party “head gear” terrifying. Sometime last year (I don’t remember when, just that it was very cold), James, Harold, Angie, and I were out at the High Point. Sonya was out of town on some work-related function or other so we made a night of it. Lots of things happened that night – including the infamous backfiring incident with Angie’s car. It really is an hysterical yarn but it’s best saved for another time as it is more than marginally off topic. In any event, there was a batchelorette party in the bar. This poor drunken blonde came in with a gaggle of her sorority sisters. They made complete asses of themselves and took many pictures which I can only hope some hapless teenage Wolf Camera employee destroyed in the developing process. She was wearing the traditional condom veil – and her friends weren’t even kind enough to use unlubricated condoms so it was sticking to her hair. I avoid the use of adjectives here for your benefit. I’m sure you get the mental image. Ugghh.

Having heard that sordid tale, I am sure that you know why I feared the head gear.

I told Sonya that I wouldn’t wear the veil under any circumstances.

“Ok.” she said, without any protest.

I thought I was safe. I was wrong.

“You can wear condom barrettes.”

Not wanting to be the sore sport I played along.

”Only if I get to nibble on a chocolate bar and walk like a chicken in a thunderstorm.”

”You’ve got a deal chickie!”

And since Leah found three glow in the dark condoms at the last possible minute, I assumed the identity of Janet Weiss for the evening. All hair accessory trauma aside, I had a blast. I even proudly donned the beautiful “happy face condom corsages” that Leah had made for us all.

James and his "men" were going to The Flying Saucer to have pints. It was a small crowd. James, Harold, and brother-in-law David (father of the aforementioned Donovan Tanner - see, I told you it was a segue) were the only sure things. Mac (aka Brian McAnally) said he might stop by and Jody (of Leah and Jody fame) said he would try to make it. Neither looked promising as they headed out. Feeling undaunted by my grooms circumstance, Sonya, Leah, Marilyn (my soon to be sister-in-law), and I went out on the town. Christy was supposed to join us but got hung up in a previous engagement. We had a lovely dinner of pork and pork at The Public Eye, martinis at Sidestreet, and set off for a round of festive dancing at Backstreet.

During the drag show, Chi-Chi Macarena (who bears a frightening resemblance to John Leguizamo) did this fabulous version of Madonna’s Beautiful Stranger. She came out dressed in a gold lame cape and wearing this headpiece that was a dead ringer for Queen Amidala from Episode One. Of course she shed the cape to reveal this bead covered Josephine Baker number. She was fierce. After she left the stage, the announcer boy (who was not in drag that evening) said he would give a beer to the first person who could tell me who she looked like (apparently he was having a difficult time pronouncing her Royal Highness’ name). I threw my head back and screamed, “Queen Amidala!” and he told me to get my ass up there. When he asked me my name he suddenly proclaimed, “She’s got rubbers in her hair!”

The humiliation was complete. I could have gone home then, but we hung out and danced until after 3:00. When we got home, David (Marilyn’s husband, the brother-in-law) was passed out on our couch and James was laid out in front of the TV. I think it’s safe to say that we had a better time than they did, but I’m not gloating.
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