The Battle of Tours
(This article is one I wrote in 1996 for my school magazine - not about D&D, I grant you, but still funny enough to post)
In approximately the year 732 A.D., the Moslems attacked the French countryside and were beaten back by the army hangin' out nearby. Current history books tell of the battle, but don't give accurate facts about the people or the actual battle. Thus, I shall elaborate (which means I'm going to explain) about the conflict (whcih means a disagreement or fight), and I shall tell you the truth (which means whatever you're paid to say).
As stated, the battle took place near the city of Tours, so called because of its enormous population of wide-eyed foreigners who wonder around aimlessly. The French people were known as the Franks, because they thought their idol (Erik Estada - you know, the dude on C.H.I.P.S.) was named Frank. The Moslems had left their home in Africa to conquer Spain because there was a rumor that Spain had nude beaches. After a fairly pitiful fight the people of Spain apologized for being foolish enough to have been born in the area and for scuffing the boots of the Moslems who stomped their butts into the ground. The Moslems, led by their commander Abd-er-"Rah, man" (so called becasue of his habit of cheering when someone abded) searched Spain, but found no nude beaches. A young Spanish boy explained to the Moslems that the nude beaches were in France. Abd-er-"Rah, man" thanked the boy profusely, then promptly had him interrogated for having knowledge of such things while he was underage.
So, it was off to France. An important Frankish duke, Eudo of Aquitane, stopped the Moslems while they were crossing the Pire . . . the Peeruh . . . the mountains between France and Spain. The Moslems paused long enough to kick his you-know-what up around his you-know-where, if you-know-what I mean. The French (which is Hebrew for snail-lickers) turned to their last hope, Charles the Hammer (so called because he hated being called Chuck) and said they'd forgive him for eating food without sauces if he would open up a can of kick-butt on "L'il Abner" Rahman. He had already won several battles against the peoples of Holland and Germany while trying to avoid gambling debts and the draft, so he agreed. Abd-er-Rain Man heard from his spies that Charles was talking about him and damaging his rep, so he said, "You wanna step?" Unfortunately, no one was around to hear him. After careful consideration, he sent part of his army back to Spain with his treasure - not to protect it, as commonly believed, but to order pizza (because let's face it, folks, there's no freakin' way it was going to get there in thirty minutes or less).
The Moslems now prepared to attack. They had a special way of fighting: they would ride around on horseback, screaming various epithets about their foes' family members and bodily functions, and then they would hack them to pieces - an unusual strategy indeed, because most people just stabbed each other. The Frankish army liked to form into various formations designed to baffle the enemy. In close combat, they would do origami to dazzle and distract their opponents until they kicked them in the shin and took their basketball.
Soon the combat began. The Moslems took the ball at the twenty yard line after a touchback and tried a few running plays for short yardage, capped by the Statue of Liberty play. The Statue of Liberty play almost succeeded because the Frankish men were laughing so hard. Late in the battle, quarterback (general) Abd-er-Rahman was injured (killed) by a thrown axe (which would result in a ten yard penalty) and was carried off the field (in a coffin). The Moslems whined a lot and were ejected for poor sportsmanship. They went back to Spain and sulked, resorting to calling the Franks "ferroghies," which is Arabic for "big meanies." An English merchant misheard them and started the trend of calling the French "froggies." Thus was the Battle of Tours Won and the French still ridiculed.
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