The Valdez Stories

Greetings, and welcome to the page of Valdez Stories. These stories were written by Valdezes in the oh so sacred Bookie. As soon as I get more time I'll add some more. Here ya go!

Write a brief story involving the words bunt, buttery nipple, missle silo, damp cloth, and laxative, and the phrases "yes, but the butter was eaten by the beaver" and "my ____ is there, on the floor"

Enrique's Story:

I am a deep sea diver, and in order to fit in my wetsuit they have to butter be to lubricate me up! Besides that, I am perfectly normal. One day, after diving, I had some corn on the cob. It's butteryness was far from up to par, so I wiped it on my buttery nipple. Mmmmm...buttery nipple. Easily distracted, I construsted my corn into miniature missle silos that shot kernels at passers by. This greatly amazed a passing beaver, who bit off my nipples in delight. Now how was I supposed to butter my corn? The butter was eaten by the beaver! Enraged at my lack of nipple and butter, I downed several laxatives in a tizzy. Taking aim, I exploded quoop juice all over the beaver, thus rendering it motionless. The little beaver cried and cried because he got quooped on, and I felt guilty. After all, he only bit off my nipples. So I took a damp cloth and cleaned off the little guy, but he was unappreciative, and bit my elbow, so I picked up a bat and proceeded to bunt the beaver. I did this several times, because bunting only hits beavers so far...

Oops, I forgot to use that sentence! Here, I'll stick it on the end. "My cross-eyed parapalegic second cousin twice removed is there on the floor"

Ezzie's Story:

I used to be a transvestite baker who also owned a beaver preservation about 1/2 a mile away from my bakery. One day, which was a scorching hot bastard of a day, mind you, I went out yo visit the beavers and feed them the strawberry bundt cake that I had whipped up that morning. It was so unbearably hot that I carried a damp cloth with me to wipe off the sweat from my forehead. Once I fed the bundt cake to the beavers, something terrible happened! It acted as a laxative in their digestive system and they began to leave runny piles of excrement shaped like mini missle silos all over their dam. It was disgusting, so I left. Back at the bakery, my buttery nipples began to ache, and I went to get more butter for them, but when I looked in the fridge for more, I discovered that, "Ah! The butter was eaten by the beavers!" who had followed me back to the bakery to avenge their disturbed intestines. Finallly, in a fit of fury, I raced to the front of the bakery to discover that my precious butter was there, on the floor, along with several deceased beavers, and in a very digested, missle silo-like form.

That sucked. Oh well.

Enrico's Story:

I am a commie in Cuba. I live in a Cuban missle silo with 8 beavers, a dead trout, and 3 circus monkeys. One day, Fidel Castro came into my silo and said, "What are you doing here, you bocky bonstipated bunt?" I told him I was looking for my laxative, which had been stolen by one of the monkeys. He pulled a damp cloth out of the dead trout and smacked me with it. Then he asked, "Do you have a buttery nipple, soldier?" "Yes", I said, "but the butter was eaten by the beaver" and I pointed to a beaver sitting guiltily in the corner. "Dammit!" Fidel yelled. I asked what was wrong, and he said, "My penis is there, on the floor!"

Write a short story (5 sentences or less) involving a holographic band-aid, an iguana, and the latest release of "Jerry Springer Uncensored!" The story must contain all 3 things in some way, shape, or form.

Enrico's Story:

Yesterday I was walking down the street when I saw a magical potion on the sidewalk. I drank it, and a holographic band-aid appeared before me. It floated away, and I followed it to the seot of Jerry Springer Uncensored. There was a green lizard on the stage, but I think it was a gecko. A man gave birth to and osterich-boy, and after the show, we all ate an iguana.

5 sentences exactly! Damn I'm good.

Enrique's Story:

One day I was watching Jerry Springer Uncensored and a stripper came out wearing nothing but a thong and holographic band-aids covering her nipples. I was so disgusted that I vomited up macaroni and horseradish all over my grandma's antique teapot. I knew I'd be in deep shit so I blamed it on an iguana named Chuck. Chuck got mad for that and bit my toes off.

4 sentences. Not bad

Mateo's Story

Last month I forgot to change my pet iguana's litter box and the rabid creature bit me in the pelvis. I used a holographic band-aid I bought on a Richard Simmons infomercial to heal the wound. After confronting the iguana on Jerry Springer, I vowed for revenge. The episode of me doing an Irish mating waltz with the iguana's transexual mate in front of the iguana was featured on the latest Uncensored video, which sold millions.

Here's a story written by all of the Valdezes over e-mail. We'd each write a little bit and add it on to the part the previous person wrote. Anyway, here it is.

One day, Alexander Ruffeneger was walking in the WOODs, and he CAME upon a box. After wiping off the box, he opened it up, and to his surprise, there was a small piece of Peruvian/Beaver cheese in the box. "Hello piece of cheese!" said Alexander. The cheese looked up at him...stood up in the box, and......

Enrique: .... said in a booming voice (which was pretty loud for a little piece of cheese) "I AM THE SACRED CHEESE-IN-A-BOX! IT IS MY DUTY TO GUARD THIS BOX FROM EVIL BUNNIES WHO OPEN IT UP! THEREFORE, I MUST NOW TORTURE YOU IN THE CRUELEST WAY POSSIBLE!" Alexander tried to hop away, but it was no use. The cheese was blessed with super-cheese speed. He snatched up Alexander and took him off to Cheeseland to the Cheeseleader to face his punishment. The Cheeseleader took one look and Alexander and.......

Enrico:... "Oh my God! You look just like my dead Aunt Eliza! PLease, cum eat dinner with me!" So Alexander went with the Cheeseleader to dine. They ate frozen cabbage for dinner, and then dessert was brought out. When Alexander saw the dessert, he was horrified! It was a big platter of.......

Frijole:...frosted, refried beans! Alexander exclaimed, "I can't eat that! It gives me gas!" The Cheeseleader snickered with delight, and said, "So? There's nothing wrong with a little flatulence now and then, now is there?" Alexander smiled an replied, "No." They ate their beans with glee, and several minutes later they...

Ezzie and Al:... proceeded to the Royal Cheese Room where they lit a 1000 candles and held a seance. In the middle of contacting Aunt Eliza, Alexander's bowels began to rumble, but he thought nothing of it. The Cheeseleader believed that Aunt Eliza was cumming into Alexander but Alexander knew better. "Uh-oh..." was all Alexander could manage to say before he ripped a huge one, rumbling his chair and the entire Royal Cheese Room, which soon burst into a huge flaming fire ball and melted all of the cheese, including the Cheeseleader. As Alexander was swimming through the lake of melted cheese.....

Frijole: ...a lot of little bubbles floated from his bum. The beans he has eaten had given him very explosive gas, and he just coul'dn't contain himself. As he got out of the SEAS OF CHEESE, he CAME upon yet another box. After wiping off this box, he opened it up, and saw a very large piece of WOOD. But this was no ordinary WOOD, it was...

Enrique: ... an holy chunk of Great Scots Pine!! (trumpet fanfare) It was this wood's job to hand out pamphlets to anyone who opened his box, which Alex had just done. So the wood handed Alex a pamphlet and retreated into the box. Alex looked at the pamphlet which read: THE FIRST PAMPHLET ON THE ART OF PAMPHLET MAKING. Displeased with such a silly pamphlet, Alex used it to wipe with after a BIG dump, because the refried beans didn't agree with him. When the Wood-in-the-box heard of such a disgrace, he.....

Enrico:...became VERY angry. He decided he wanted revenge on Alex for such a mistreatment of the pamphlet. So he waited for Alex to open the box again. When he did, the Wood-in-the-box handed him a pamphlet. It said, "beware of flying shit, you frosted-refried-bean-farting, orangutan!" "What the hell does that mean?" said Alex. Just then, the Wood-in-the-Box turned around and shot explosive diarrhea all over Alex! "There! Now you'll never misuse a pamphlet again!!!" But that only made Alex angry. He wanted to teach the Wood-in--the-Box a lesson he'd never forget. So the next day....

Frijole:...Alexander plotted to revisit the wood-in-the-box in order to cause it much pain for what it had done to him. He figured that if he burned the wood, it wood die. So, Alexander hopped into the forest in pursuit of the foul wood-in-the-box. As he CAME closer to it, he noticed a certain discoloration in the foliage, it was all pink. "I wonder what happened here", Alexander pondered to himself. All of a sudden, the magic wood-in-the-box appearred in front of him and yelled "HOOOWHAAAAA!" "Yoink!" Alexander exclained as he jumped in terror. "I will get you for this, evil wood-in-the-box!" Alexander bellowed. At that moment, Alexander, noticing that his previous gas had not yet diminished, turned around and lit a match...*FFFRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!* As Alexander blasted away, the flame not only set the wood-in-the-box on fire, but his own arse as well. "OWWWWWWWIE!" screached Alexander as he bounced away in agony. He never did return to find out if the wood-in-the-box had d-ed, or to find out why the forest was all pink. Why was the forest pink? I don't even know, and I wrote it! ACK! -Continue if you'd like! *Frijole Valdez I =)>*

Now, go home!