Part 1
I DID NOT WANT TO GO INTO ALL THE REASONS WHY I DECIDED TO SEEK A LEGAL
SEPARATION FROM MY EX HUSBAND. HOWEVER I REALISE NOW THAT THE SECOND HALF
OF THE BOOK WOULD BE MEANINGLESS UNLESS I GIVE SOME DETAILS OF WHAT LIFE
WAS LIKE DURING THOSE 11 YEARS.
LIKE THOUSANDS OF WOMEN BEFORE ME AND AFTER ME I MARRIED SOMEONE THAT I
THOUGHT I LOVED AND WHO LOVED ME. BUT LOOKING BACK NOW I REALISE THAT I
RUSHED INTO MARRIAGE IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM PLAYING CINDERELLA AT
HOME. I SERIOUSLY BELIEVED THAT WITH THE AMOUNT OF DETERMINATION I HAD AT THE
TIME WE WERE GOING TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER.
HOWEVER, LOOKING BACK NOW I REALISE I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH THE DETERMINATION. I ENDED UP DOING ALL THE WORK-INSIDE THE HOME, OUTSIDE THE HOUSE ON THE FARM AND A FULL TIME TEACHING POSITION. AFTER 2 YEARS I ALSO BECAME A MOTHER AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT I WAS BUSY VISITING MY FATHER 3 DAYS A WEEK AS HE WAS DYING OF CANCER. I ALSO HAD THE JOB OF TAKING CARE OF A DEPRESSED MOTHER IN LAW, A SUICIDAL BROTHER IN LAW ETC, ETC. WHEN I LOOK BACK NOW I DO NOT KNOW HOW I COPED WITH IT ALL. BUT OF COURSE IT ALL TOOK ITS TOLL IN TIME.
MY SON WILLIAM WAS BORN AFTER NINE MONTHS OF BEING SICK-MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT. OF COURSE I NEVER LET IT SHOW. I ATTENDED THE CLINIC THE DAY BEFORE WILLIAM WAS BORN AND WAS ADVISED TO COME IN THE NEXT DAY AT 2 PM AS MY BLOOD PRESSURE WAS VERY HIGH. I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT DAY. THE HOSPITAL WAS ABOUT 1 HOURS DRIVE AWAY AND OF COURSE I WAS READY IN PLENTY OF TIME- WAITING FOR A(MY HUSBAND) TO TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL. TIME WAS PASSING QUICKLY AND AS USUAL I WAS WAITING, WAITING. A ANNOUNCED THAT A COW WAS ABOUT TO DELIVER A CALF AND WOULD NOT BE LONG. I SUGGESTED GETTING A VET AS THE COW WAS IN DISTRESS AND COULD NOT DELIVER. AFTER ABOUT A HOUR I GOT A KNIFE AND PERFORMED A EPISIOTEMY MYSELF. THERE WERE 2 WORKERS ON THE FARM TO LOOK AFTER THE REST. I JUST WANTED TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL-FOR FEAR ANYTHING WOULD GO WRONG WITH MY BABY. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND LATER WHY I REFER TO WILLIAM AS MY BABY. A WENT HOME SOON AFTERWARDS. THAT NIGHT WAS ONE OF THE WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE-THOSE RED FLASHING LIGHTS HAUNTED ME FOR YEARS AFTERWARDS. THE FOLLOWING EVENING AFTER HOURS OF LABOUR PAIN, PANIC SET IN AS THE MIDWIFE REALISED THE CORD WAS TWISTED AROUND WILLIAM'S NECK. EVENTUALLY HE WAS DELIVERED BY FORCEPS. THEN MY BLOOD PRESSURE DROPPED AND I DO NOT REMEMBER MUCH MORE.
A APPEARED HAPPY TO BE A FATHER - JUST A BIOLOGICAL FATHER-NO MORE. FOR WEEKS AFTER I CAME HOME I CRAWLED FROM THE BEDROOM TO THE KITCHEN AND TOILET ON MY HANDS AND KNEES WITH WILLIAM TUCKED UNDER ONE ARM. WILLIAM NEVER SETTLED OR SLEPT. AFTER GETTING THE 3 IN 1 VACCINE HE GOT ONE INFECTION AFTER ANOTHER. AND AFTER 15 COURSES OF ANTIBIOTICS IN 12 MONTHS I TOOK HIM TO AN ALLERGY SPECIALIST WHO FOUND THAT HE WAS ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING EDIBLE EXCEPT BROWN RICE, SOYA MILK AND SOME VEGETABLES. HE SAID WILLIAM HAD HAD A TRAUMATIC BIRTH BUT SHOULD IMPROVE AS LONG AS I KEPT TO THE DIET.
I WANTED TO BECOME A FULL TIME MOTHER AT THIS STAGE. A AND I HAD AGREED ON THIS BEFORE WE MARRIED. HOWEVER, THE FARM WAS NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY THE MORTGAGE. I WAS PAYING THE MORTGAGE, THE FOOD BILLS -EVERY BILL EXCEPT ELECTRICITY AND PHONE-£65 APPROXIMATELY.
LOOKING BACK NOW I SEE THAT A HAD NO INTENTION OF WORKING VERY HARD BECAUSE MY SALARY WAS PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT I FOUND MYSELF DOING EVERYTHING. THIS WAS NOTHING NEW BUT I WAS GETTING VERY TIRED - NO SLEEP-WORKING UNTIL 4:00PM AT SCHOOL THEN AT HOME UNTIL ABOUT 10:00 PM. I TRIED ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS TO SUGGEST VARIOUS CHANGES THAT NEEDED TO BE MADE ON THE FARM. I KNEW WHAT WAS NEEDED AS I WAS DOING ALL THE ACCOUNTS AND V. A. T. MYSELF.
I BECAME SO TIRED THAT I PUT WILLIAM IN THE CAR ON TWO OCCASIONS AND DROVE AND DROVE VOWING NEVER TO RETURN. BUT WHERE WOULD I GO?MY MOTHER WOULD HAVE SAID LEAVING HOME WAS UNTHINKABLE. SO BACK I WENT HOPING A WOULD REALISE THAT HE HAD TO PULL HIS WEIGHT. HE SPENT HOURS WITH HIS MOTHER - HAVING TEA AND HOURS WITH MY MOTHER HAVING TEA. I DID NOT KNOW JUST HOW MANY HOURS UNTIL I WAS FORCED TO LEAVE TEACHING DUE TO ILL HEALTH. WHEN WILLIAM WAS 2½ I WAS RECOVERING FROM SHINGLES AND A FRIEND OF MINE INTRODUCED ME TO GABRIEL-A HEALER. AFTER 3 VISITS WILLIAM WAS A DIFFERENT CHILD. HE WAS EATING EVERYTHING, SLEEPING 8 HOURS AT NIGHT AND SETTLED HAPPILY INTO PLAY SCHOOL.
I WAS SO HAPPY THAT WILLIAM WAS NOW A HAPPY PLAYFUL CHILD. GABRIEL EXPLAINED TO A AND MYSELF THAT I NEEDED TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF AND LOOK AFTER MYSELF. I KEPT GOING UNTIL I COLLAPSED AT WORK ON 28-01-88. THE G. P. VISITED ME AT HOME AND PRESCRIBED MORPHINE BUT I WAS NOT TAKING ANY OF IT. AT 3:00PM I WAS ALONE IN BED WITH WILLIAM SITTING BESIDE BE. I WAS SLIPPING AWAY QUICKLY THEN GABRIEL PHONED AND BEGGED ME TO STAY ON EARTH. AS I APPROACHED THE BRIGHT LIGHT THE FEELING WAS SO GOOD I DID NOT WANT TO COME BACK. I ASKED GABRIEL TO TAKE WILLIAM AND LOOK AFTER HIM. I COULD NOT THINK OF ANYONE ELSE WHO WOULD REALLY TAKE CARE OF HIM IF I DIED. GABRIEL SHOUTED AND SHOUTED AT ME TO STAY(THE LANGUAGE HE USED TO KEEP ME HERE CANNOT BE REPEATED) AND EXPLAINED THAT IT WAS NOT MY TIME TO GO AND THAT I HAD MUCH WORK TO DO HERE. THANK GOD HE DID NOT TELL ME WHAT THE FUTURE HAD IN STORE. I OFTEN SAID TO HIM THAT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BROUGHT ME BACK . BUT , WHEN I LOOK AT WILLIAM AND EMMA I REALISE WHAT I WOULD HAVE MISSED.
I DO REMEMBER THAT WEEK IN BED-ALONE EXCEPT FOR WILLIAM. A CALLED IN ONCE A DAY HOPING I WAS UP TO GET HIS DINNER. HE GOT HIS DINNER FROM HIS MOTHER. I CRAWLED TO THE KITCHEN TO PREPARE SOMETHING FOR WILLIAM AND MYSELF. AT THE TIME I NEVER EXPECTED A TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP. GABRIEL EXPLAINED TO A THAT HE OUGHT TO HELP OUT MORE AND TAKE WILLIAM OFF FOR A FEW HOURS. HE SPENT HOURS EXPLAINING THAT A FATHER HAS A ROLE TO PLAY IN HIS SONS UPBRINGING. SOMETIMES HE WOULD TAKE WILLIAM WITH HIM WHEN TOLD TO.
I NEVER WANTED TO FORCE A TO SPEND TIME WITH WILLIAM.
WILLIAM WAS LONGING FOR A SISTER. THINGS SEEMED TO BE IMPROVING AND WE DECIDED TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY. GABRIEL SAID IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME TO HAVE A BABY WITHOUT THE SAME COMPLICATIONS AS I HAD HAD WITH WILLIAM.
I BECAME ILL STRAIGHT AWAY BUT GABRIEL AND HIS MANY FRIENDS ALL HELPED OUT. I HAD TO LEAVE WORK FOR GOOD. I HAD FALSE LABOUR PAINS FOR MONTHS BEFORE THE BIRTH. I WAS OFTEN SEEN DANCING WITH PAIN, BITING TOWELS TO OVERCOME THE PAIN. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT EMMA WAS BORN WITHOUT MUCH TROUBLE. I WAS ON MY FEET AFTER 2 HOURS, NO PAINKILLERS.
EVERYTHING SEEMED OKAY UNTIL EMMA WAS ABOUT 3 WEEKS. I ASKED A TO HOLD HER AND FEED HER, BUT I WAS GREETED WITH A REMARK THAT PIERCED ME LIKE A DAGGER- "I DO NOT WANT HER-SHE IS NO USE-SHE IS A GIRL. " HE HAD NEVER GOT ON WITH HIS MOTHER OR SISTERS EITHER. I KNEW WHAT HE MEANT - EMMA WOULD BE NO USE - TO WORK ON THE FARM.
THAT DAY I REALISED I WAS -ON MY OWN- WITH MY CHILDREN. A'S ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME SUDDENLY CHANGED WHEN I SAID I WAS NOT RETURNING TO TEACHING UNTIL EMMA WAS 4.
I DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. GABRIEL SPOKE TO A FOR ABOUT 2 HOURS EVERY WEEK AND ADVISED HIM TO LOOK AFTER EMMA FOR A FEW HOURS EVERY WEEK WHEN I WAS SHOPPING. RELUCTANTLY HE DID. I KNEW A DID NOT WANT TO BE MINDING CHILDREN BUT GABRIEL EXPLAINED THAT HE HAD TO LEARN TO BE A FATHER.
GABRIEL STAYED WITH US 2/3 DAYS PER WEEK AND HELPED OUT ON THE FARM AND WITH THE CHILDREN. WILLIAM AND EMMA LOVED GABRIEL. GABRIEL BECAME EMMA'S GODFATHER AND TOOK HIS ROLE SERIOUSLY.
I THEN DISCOVERED THAT A HAD TAKEN OUT A LOAN THROUGH THE BANK WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE. ALL PAYMENTS CAME OUT OF MY BANK ACCOUNT. THE ACCOUNT WAS IN JOINT NAMES AS CHILDREN'S ALLOWANCE BENEFIT'S WERE ONLY PAID IN THE FATHER'S NAME AT THAT TIME. ALL MY EARNINGS FROM WORK WERE IN THIS ACCOUNT. I WAS SHATTERED TO DISCOVER THOUSANDS OF POUNDS HAD BEEN WITHDRAWN WITHOUT MY SIGNATURE/KNOWLEDGE.
I ASKED WHY HE HAD DONE THIS AND A'S ONLY REPLY WAS "WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE". WHEN ALL OF MY SAVINGS RAN OUT I ASKED FOR MONEY TO BE TAKEN FROM THE FARM ACCOUNT FOR SHOPPING EVERY WEEK. IT WAS THEN A SHOWED HIS TRUE SELF. HE WOULD PRETEND NOT TO HEAR, JUST SIT IN THE KITCHEN FOR HOURS ON END WITHOUT MOVING A MUSCLE. I STILL DO NOT KNOW HOW ANYONE CAN DO THIS. I BEGAN TO FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE HOUSE ON MY OWN. AT MEAL TIMES A WOULD SIT AT THE TABLE TAPPING THE KNIFE AND FORK UNTIL THE MEAL WAS PRODUCED. I KNEW I WAS NOT A SLAVE. I KNEW I WAS BEING TREATED LIKE ONE.
A ALWAYS MUTTERED HIS WORDS AND SOMETIMES I WAS UNSURE WHETHER HE SAID THESE WORDS OR NOT. I WOULD ASK HIM TO REPEAT THEM-JUST TO BE SURE. A CONSTANTLY THREATENED TO PUT US OUT OF THE HOUSE AS I WAS NO LONGER PAYING THE MORTGAGE AND THEN WE RE MORTGAGED TO PROVIDE MORE MONEY FOR THE FARM. A OFTEN TOLD WILLIAM THAT THE SOCIAL WORKERS WOULD TAKE HIM AWAY IF HE DID NOT DO HIS BIDDING. HE CONSTANTLY CLAIMED TO BE THE BOSS.
THERE WAS MANY A DAY I COOKED DINNER AND HE WOULD THROW IT IN THE BIN AND GO AND GET CHICKEN AND CHIPS FOR HIMSELF. HE DID NOT WANT ANY OF THAT FOREIGN FOOD. FOR EXAMPLE:RICE , NOODLES, SPARE RIBS. DURING EMMA'S FIRST FEW MONTHS A CONSTANTLY COMPLAINED THAT SHE WAS "IN THE WAY" BECAUSE I WAS UNABLE TO SPEND HOURS DOING THE FARM WORK.
SOMETIMES WHEN VISITORS CAME HE WOULD FALL ASLEEP AT 8:00PM AND SNORE LOUDLY FOR HOURS. OF COURSE MANY OF THEM LEFT. HOWEVER WHEN MY FAMILY CAME OVER HE PUT "ON THE SHOW" OF BEING A PERFECT FATHER. HE KEPT REMINDING WILLIAM THAT HE WAS THERE TO WORK FOR HIM ON THE FARM. HE HATED THE FACT THAT WILLIAM WAS VERY BRIGHT AT SCHOOL AND WAS AN AVID READER.
THERE WAS 40 ACRES OF LAND NEAR THE HOUSE AND STILL HE REFUSED TO PUT ½ACRES INTO LAWN/GARDEN FOR THE CHILDREN TO PLAY. A USED TO DRAIN DIESEL FROM THE CENTRAL HEATING SYSTEM TANK FOR HIS TRACTOR. I CAUGHT HIM GIVING WILLIAM A VICIOUS KICK ONE DAY SO I NEVER LEFT HIM ALONE AGAIN. I LATER DISCOVERED FROM HIS OWN SISTERS THAT HE EXPECTED THEM TO WORK LONG HOURS ON THE FARM ALSO. HE RENTED LAND FROM ONE OF HIS SISTERS BUT NEVER PAID UNTIL HE GOT A SOLICITORS LETTER. HIS YOUNGEST SISTER MARRIED TO GET AWAY FROM THE PLACE. WHEN HIS YOUNGEST SISTER WAS ON HER OWN IN HIS MOTHERS HOUSE HE WOULD SCARE HER AT NIGHT-SHINING TORCHES IN TO THE WINDOWS. WHEN I LEFT NEITHER OF HIS SISTER'S WERE SPEAKING TO HIM.
ON ONE OCCASION I LEFT EMMA WITH HIM FOR ABOUT 2 HOURS. WHEN I RETURNED HE HAD HER IN THE BEDROOM WITH THE CURTAINS CLOSED AND HE TOOK HIS HANDS AWAY FROM HER QUICKLY AS I ENTERED THE ROOM. HIS FACE WENT RED WITH GUILT. I KNEW IN MY HEART SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT. I COULD NOT SPEAK FOR 2 DAYS. I ASKED GABRIEL -BEING A QUALIFIED PSYCHIATRIST IF MY FEELINGS WERE CORRECT. HE SAID YES. I ASKED HIM WHY DID HE NOT TELL ME THIS BEFOREHAND. HE ANSWERED "WOULD YOU HAVE BELIEVED ME?"I SAID NO. WELL THAT WAS ENOUGH. I SWORE THAT I WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER ON HER OWN WITH HIM. THE IDEA OF ALLOWING HIM THE TIME TO BECOME A ACTIVE FATHER WAS GONE DOWN THE DRAIN.
SO, I SPENT HOURS WALKING THE STREETS OF THE NEAREST TOWN WITH EMMA WHILE WILLIAM WAS AT SCHOOL. HAVING COMPLETED A UNIVERSITY DEGREE IN SOCIOLOGY/SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY I KNEW THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR WAS DANGEROUS. WHEN A BECAME ANGRY HE WOULD TURN HIS EYES SO THAT ONLY THE WHITES OF HIS EYES WERE VISIBLE. I BECAME VERY SCARED AND WANTED TO LEAVE. BUT GABRIEL ADVISED ME TO STAY FOR A WHILE LONGER TO MAKE SURE THAT I WAS SURE IN WHAT I WAS DOING.
WHENEVER FAMILY MEMBER'S CAME TO THE HOUSE A BEHAVED LIKE A SAINT. HE WOULD TAKE THE CHILDREN ON TO HIS LAP, WASH UP ETC. AS SOON AS THEY WERE GONE IT WAS BACK TO NORMAL.
THE HOUSE WAS LARGE ENOUGH TO SET UP A BED+BREAKFAST BUSINESS BUT AS THE BANK MANAGER SAID -IF YOU HAVE THE BUSINESS IN YOUR OWN NAME IT WILL BE OKAY, OTHERWISE A WILL KEEP WITHDRAWING MONEY FOR THE DAIRY FARM. -I THEN SAW HIM TAKE OUT HIS ANGER ON THE FARM ANIMALS. A WOULD KICK THEM AND BEAT THEM WITH BIG STICKS-WHEN THE MOOD STRUCK HIM.
MANY CALVES DIED AT BIRTH OR SHORTLY AFTERWARDS. IMAGINE MY DISGUST WHEN I SAW HIM THROW THESE DEAD BODIES INTO THE RIVER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FARM. MANY OF THE CATTLE WERE LEFT IN THEIR OWN DIRT UP TO THEIR KNEES FOR WEEKS ON END. SOME OF THE LARGER ANIMALS WHO DIED WERE LEFT IN THE SHED WITH A SMELL!!!I NEED SAY NO MORE. I KNEW THIS WAS NOT THE KIND OF EXAMPLE I WANTED FOR WILLIAM.
ONE COLD OCTOBER DAY I CAME HOME TO DISCOVER WILLIAM PULLING VEGETABLES IN THE FREEZING COLD WHILE A WAS INSIDE HAVING TEA-AS USUAL.
WILLIAM LATER EXPLAINED TO ME THAT A HAD TOLD HIM "TO SPY ON OTHERS OR HE WOULD LEARN NOTHING". I THINK A SUSPECTED GABRIEL (IN HIS 60'S)AND I WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR. I THEN DISCOVERED A WAS OPENING MY POST. HE TOOK MONEY OUT OF BIRTHDAY CARDS FOR THE CHILDREN. HE OPENED THEIR SAVINGS BOXES AND STOLE THEIR MONEY. A SHOWED WILLIAM HOW TO HIDE MONEY IN JARS BURIED IN THE BACK GARDEN. I DUG ONE UP ONE DAY -£800 IN ONE JAR. I COULD GO ON AND ON. GABRIEL HAD RENTED A HOUSE ABOUT 10 MILES AWAY AND SUGGESTED THAT IF THINGS GOT TOO MUCH AND I WAS SURE THAT I HAD HAD ENOUGH THE CHILDREN AND I COULD COME AND LIVE THERE UNTIL I GOT SORTED OUT IN COURT.
GABRIEL HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE COMING FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FOR PERSONAL ADVICE . THE VAST MAJORITY WERE JAPANESE. GABRIEL HAD SPENT 30 YEARS AS A ZEN BUDDHIST PRIEST THERE. I HELPED OUT WITH THE CATERING AS THEY OFTEN STAYED 2/3 DAYS. IT WAS A GREAT FEELING TO BE FREE AND TO DO WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO DO. I WAS SO GLAD TO BE AWAY FROM THE SLAMMING DOORS, BANGING OF CUTLERY, COMPLAINTS ABOUT FOOD BEING :TOO HOT, TOO COLD, WRONG BRAND, ETC ETC.
THE CHILDREN WERE SO HAPPY THERE.
THERE WAS ONE INCIDENT WHICH HAPPENED BEFORE WE LEFT WHICH STILL SCARES ME. A'S BROTHER AND A WERE IN THE HOUSE ONE SUNDAY EVENING. THE DINNER WAS RUNNING LATE AS WE HAD VISITORS. A'S BROTHER AND A HAD BEEN SHOOTING IN THE AFTERNOON AND EXPECTED THE DINNER TO BE ON THE TABLE AT 6:00 PM . A'S BROTHER BROUGHT IN A SHOTGUN AND POINTED IT AT WILLIAM. WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM WILLIAM WAS WHITER THAN WHITE AND EXPLAINING TO GABRIEL WHAT HAPPENED. MY TWO FRIENDS WHO WERE IN THE KITCHEN AT THE TIME VERIFIED THE TRUTH. ONE OF THEM ASKED A'S BROTHER TO GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK. 3 WEEKS LATER A'S BROTHER CAME BACK ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS SAYING A TOLD HIM TO DO IT.
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE BUT I THINK THIS IS ENOUGH.
WE MOVED TO GABRIEL'S HOME