How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. "But the good news," the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"

A patient says "Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists - any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in that hole. They make an entire career out of holes. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, they send you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!"

Sign seen on the door of a medical school building: Staph Only

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet? They loved in vein.

Then there is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.

Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd

Patient: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive. Psychiatrist: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... etc.

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.

Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible. Psychiatrist: Who said that?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment? To prepare them for the bill.

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital? The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for providing medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $100.00.

Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Prison Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

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