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You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.
-- Colette

Freedom lies in being bold.
-- Robert Frost

People are either born hosts or born guests.
-- Sir Max Meerbohm

Thinning the Herd

A 24-year-old man accidentally shot himself to death in London, Ohio, in February while doing a scene with two friends in a rap music video. In other horseplay tragedies, a 22-year-old man fell to his death after sliding backward down a banister at America West Arena during the Phoenix Suns' basketball game on Dec. 20, and a 26-year-old standout amateur wrestler fell to his death from a Las Vegas light pole he had climbed in order to celebrate New Year's Eve better.

A private company, leasing land rights from the Israeli government, plans to build a $6.6 million entertainment complex in Capernaum on the Sea of Galilee to include an 80-yard-long platform just below the water's surface to allow visitors to re-create Christ's walk on water (at $5 a head). However, according to a December Austin American-Statesman report, Roman Catholic priest and Holy Land scholar Jerome Murphy-O'Connor predicted the walkway would be used only by "drunk tourists, not serious pilgrims."

" I want to be sure that he is a ruthless son of a bitch, that he will do what he's told, that every income-tax return I want to see I see, that he will go after our enemies and not our friends. Now it's as simple as that. If he isn't. he doesn't get the job."
- President Richard Nixon,in May 1971 tapes, describing his criteria for a new IRS commissioner, as quoted in Newsweek

"The patient refused an autopsy."
- from a medical report appearing in the Journal of Court
Reporting

Sleepless and Perplexed
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
--Presented by The Friars Club

Baseball's Best Friend
A guy walks in with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and the he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building that keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

So the dog's owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to his dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"

--Presented by The Friars Club


Question: Why do we call people who work off-staff "freelancers?"
(answer below)

The Answer:

The cynics among freelancers will tell you that they are called that because many clients expect them to work practically for free. They are also free to do without employee benefits such as vacations and medical coverage. On the other hand, they do get to set their own hours, write off an espresso and a croissant with a friend as a business expense, and work at home in their underwear

The term originated in the Middle Ages to describe a mercenary knight whose lance was for hire. He was free of any attachment to a particular lord and could be employed on a project-by-project basis--assault a castle, rescue a damsel, the usual stuff. Eventually the term was applied to anyone who was paid by the project or the piece.
(Source: A BROWSER'S DICTIONARY by John Ciardi)

"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left tochance."
- Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory

"People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they like."
- Richard Nixon

Polly Want a Translator?
Myron's mother was very hard to please, but one year he thought hard and finally came up with a truly inspired birthday present: a pricey parrot that spoke six languages. He arranged to have the bird delivered to her apartment a few hours before he was to arrive for the birthday dinner.

"So, Mom. Did you get my present?" he asked.

"Yes, Myron, I did. And I must say, it cooked up very nicely."

"You didn't cook it!" Myron gasped. "That bird cost me $1,500. And it spoke English, Portuguese, Mandarin, Urdu, Arabic and Russian!"

"Now Myron," the old woman chided, "if it really spoke all those languages, why didn't it say something?"

--Presented by The Friars Club


Question:
Why do things appear darker when they're wet?

Answer:
Grab a white shirt, dip it in water, and voila, it turns gray right before your very eyes. If we hadn't all seen it much too often it would make for an impressive magic trick. Since we have, it's an excellent trivia question.

What causes this optical transformation is simple science. When fabric gets wet, light coming towards it refracts within the water, dispersing the light. In addition, the surface of the water causes incoherent light scattering. The combination of these two effects causes less light to reflect to your eyes and makes the wet fabric appear darker.


Question:
Why doesn't drinking water cool your mouth after eating spicy food?

Answer:
The spices in most of the hot foods that we eat are oily, and, like your elementary school science teacher taught you, oil and water don't mix. In this case, the water just rolls over the oily spices.

So what can you do to calm your aching tongue? Try one of these three methods. Eat bread. The bread will absorb the oily spices. A second solution is to drink milk. Milk contains a substance called "casein" which will bind to the spices and carry them away. Finally, you could drink something alcoholic. Alcohol will dissolve the oily spices.


Question:
They weren't invented in France, so why does everybody call them "French fries?"

Answer:
It's true, the French fry wasn't invented in France. (Its origin is probably Belgian.) But the "French" in French fries doesn't refer to its country of origin. It refers to the way in which this side dish is prepared.

Food that is cut into strips is said to be "Frenched." Since French fries are strips of potato that have been fried, they became known as French fried potatoes, or "French fries."


Question:
How do astronauts go to the bathroom?

Answer:
Thanks to gravity, we here on earth take going to the bathroom for granted, but using the toilet in space isn't nearly as easy. For a long time, says NASA, astronauts actually taped a plastic bag to their backsides to collect feces and used a hose-and-bag device to urinate.

Then, in the early 70s, NASA improved bathroom technology with its vacuum toilet. To defecate, astronauts now sit on this toilet and turn the vacuum on. Urination is done through what looks like your vacuum cleaner's hose attachment. Using this toilet is a bit tricky, so part of the preparation for space travel includes potty training, but it sure beats the old bag system.


Question:
Why is it called a "hamburger" if it doesn't contain ham?

Answer:
At first glance, it seems that the word "hamburger" is a combination of the words "ham" and "burger." Therefore, one naturally assumes that a hamburger is a burger that contains ham.


But the word "hamburger" actually traces its roots back to Hamburg Germany, where people used to eat a similar food called the "Hamburg steak." Eventually, the Hamburg steak made its way to the United States, where people shortened its name to "hamburger."


Question:
Were hot dogs ever made of dogs?

Answer:
Nah. But when they were first introduced, people wouldn't touch hot dogs for fear that they were made of dogs. (More in the next question.)


Question:
How'd the hot dog get its strange name?

Answer:
The hot dog was originally called "frankfurter" after Frankfurt, Germany, its birthplace. But from the beginning people called it "dachshund sausage," because it looked like the long, thin dog.

In the US, the German sausage was especially popular with New York baseball fans, who bought the newfangled sandwich from vendors who sold them by yelling, "Get your dachshund sausages while they're red hot."

Ted Dorgan, a leading cartoonist, thought these vendors were so comical, that he decided to lampoon them. In his cartoon, they were shown selling REAL dachshund dogs in a roll, yelling "Get your hot dogs!" at each other. The name stuck, and the rest is history.


"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
- Dan Quayle


"You can observe a lot by watching."
- Yogi Berra


>
>
> >
> > > >How To Survive A Heart Attack When You're Alone
> > > >
> > > >Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're driving home, (alone of course)
> > after
> > > >an unusually hard day on the job. You're really tired, upset and
> > > >frustrated.
> > > >Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts
> to
> > > >radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about
five
> > > >miles from the hospital nearest you home; unfortunately you don't
know
> > if
> > > >you'll be able to make it that far. What can you do? You've been
> trained
> > in
> > > >CPR but the guy that taught the
> > > > > >>>course neglected to tell you how to perform it on yourself.
> > > >
> > > >HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE
> > > >(Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this
> > article
> > > >seemed in order.)
> > > >
> > > >Without help the person whose heart stops beating properly and who
> > begins
> > > >to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing
> > consciousness.
> > > >However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and
> > very
> > > >vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the
> > cough
> > > >must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside
> > the
> > > >chest. A breath and cough must be repeated about every two seconds
> > without
> > > >let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating
> > > >normally again.
> > > >Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze
> > > >the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on
the
> > > >heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack
> > victims
> > > >can get to a phone and, between breaths, call for help.
> > > >
> > > >Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their
> > > >lives!
> > > >
> > >



It Isn't Easy Being Green
A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year -- in biology class."

--Presented by The Friars Club



Lost and Found
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, “New ball?” The guy says, “Would you believe this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can’t lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a big burst of steam goes off six feet in the air for two whole minutes.”

"That’s amazing,” says the friend, “Where’d you get it?”

“I found it.”

--Presented by The Friars Club



"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way
or another."
-George Bush


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey


That's Show Biz
"The hefty Hollywood agent got up from his seat at the comedy club to go to the bathroom. Returning with Perrier and popcorn in hand, he inquired of a young woman, ""Did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?""

""As a matter of fact you did,"" she replied tartly.

""Great! Then that's my table."

--Presented by The Friars Club



A Talent for Tact
A number of years after he had worked on a film with a glamorous movie star, a certain cinematographer was asked to work with her again. The diva was not at all pleased with the results. "In the first film we did together I looked radiantly beautiful, and this time I look like a hag," she complained bitterly.

"Perhaps, madame," suggested the cinematographer tactfully, "it has something to do with the fact that I was 12 years younger then."

--Presented by The Friars Club



Don't Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
and you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twist and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst,
that you must not quit.



Joke of the Day
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried. "For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats."

--Presented by The Friars Club




Miss Jones was a not too bright girl who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms and eventually she found herself named in divorce case.

When it was her turn on the stand, the prosecutor cam forward. "Miss Jones, the wife of the defendant has identified you as "the other woman" in her husband's life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Dew Drop Inn with Mr. Smith?"
"Well, yes," acknowledges Miss Jones with a sniffle, "but I couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer incredulously. "How's that?"

"Mr. Smith deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."


Quick Wit:

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
-- Max Kauffmann


Question: How do time release capsules work?


The Answer:

Time release capsules, invented in the 1940s, hardly compare in importance to penicillin, the greatest medical advance of that decade. Yet the capsules did represent a revolution in terms of comfort and convenience. (Or would you prefer to wake up every hour during the night to pop pills in installments?)

The way the capsules work is amazingly simple. In effect, you are swallowing a group of small medicinal time bombs--close to a thousand of them in some capsules--with "fuses" set for different times. Those fuses are created by the varying thickness' of a wax-like coating over the medication which determines how soon your digestive system can get at the medicine inside each pellet. The thin-skinned ones go to work almost right away, while the ones with the heavier coatings hang around, waiting for that coating to dissolve. All you have to do is swallow the capsule. Bombs away!

(Source: HOW DO THEY DO THAT? by Caroline Sutton)


FAST FACTS:

A rooster's crowing is actually a mating call. If he really wanted to attract a female, he would wait until at least 10 am before making all that noise.

The femur, or thighbone, is the largest bone in your body. Unfortunately, the thigh is the largest everything on my body.

(Source: THE KID'S FUN-FILLED QUESTION AND ANSWER)



If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around.
-- Cybil Shepard


I seek the utmost pleasure and the least pain.
-- Plautus


If you do not find peace in yourself, you will never find it anywhere else.
-- Paula A. Bendry


Baby Boomers, Then and Now

Then: Long hair
Now : Longing for hair

Then: A keg
Now : An EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now : Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now : Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now : Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now : Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth
Taylor

Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now : The President's struggle with fidelity

Then: Killer weed
Now : Weed killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now : Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now : Getting a new hip joint


Quick Wit:

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them. He is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter..."
-- Jerry Seinfeld


Question: Why hasn't the Earth's interior cooled after more than 4 billion years?

The Answer:

Wouldn't you think that after 4 billion plus years of letting off steam via volcanoes, geysers, and other geological temper tantrums, Mother Earth would cool it? Yet after all that time it's still over 3,200 degrees F. down below.

The main reason for the retention of all that heat is the superb insulation, plain old rock, that's keeping it in. Another is that the heat process is being fueled by the energy emitted by the decay of radioactive material way down below--in effect, a battery with one heck of a long life. And in the scheme of things, volcanoes and such release a miniscule amount of the planet's inner heat. They don't dissipate any more of it than your perpetually angry aunt Sadie dispels her enormous reserves of heat every time she blows her stack.

(Source: WHY THINGS ARE & WHY THEY AREN'T by Joel Achenbach)


FAST FACTS:

A dragonfly can fly up to 30 miles per hour. If gas prices go much higher, I'm going to start carpooling to work with a dragonfly.

Even though a mosquito beats its wings 600 times per second it only travels about one mile per hour. That's because stopping to annoy people tends to slow you down.

(Source: THE KID'S FUN-FILLED QUESTION AND ANSWER BOOK)


Today is yesterday's effect and tomorrow's cause.
-- Phillip Gribble


The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt


A man is literally what he thinks.
-- James Lane Allen

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