Index:
Membership/Mission Statement (or is it a memo?)
Meetings
Gatherings
Participation
Commandments
Potpourri
Spleen X^2- Committee Regulations: Not-so-executive Committee
Spleen A- Induction/Initiation
Spleen X
Spleen XYZ- *nhs Projects
Spleen Q- Point System, a random smattering...
Section 1: The National Hooligan Society ("nhs"), as a subversive offshoot of the National Honor Society (NHS), is dedicated to rebellion, revelry, fire-worship, and overall destruction of societal order. Oh yeah, and "scholarship, leadership, service and character" are also... a plus. (see section 114-Q "Token Values")
Section 2: The National Hooligan Society (nhs) is a SECRET society, so please refrain from making it an UNsecret society (e.g. wearing a shirt that reads "Proud Member of the National Hooligan Society", taking a full page ad in a paper *other* than the C--------n Tribune (in other words, a REAL paper), forehead tattoos that read 'nhs' or [insert nhs symbol here], etc, although that shirt thing would be rather nifty...)
Section 3: FULL secrecy is required so PLEASE ATTEMPT to refrain from telling your pets, including (YES, including, but not limited to) tropical fish, even if the aforementioned fish's name *is* Jehovah. (can't forget a dog named Checkers, a.k.a. Deep Throat)
Section p: Spam.
Section 4: Shirts are on sale for $39.95 (see section 2). Save them for weekends. Make checks payable to: The Youth International Party.
Section 5: Disregard section 4's propaganda. nhs is not affiliated with Y.I.P.pies, unless of course, you are.
Section iÖ6: Applications are not neccesary. Admission is based upon being deemed a "person". A worthy person (see spleen (no, not appendix) A, "Induction a.k.a. Initiation" for admission procedure).
Section 1+iÖ6: Upon granting worthy personhood and Initiation Fire Ceremony, thou will[st] be bestowest with a membership card, cattle prod (to regulate certain hallway traffic and keep lemmings and silly people in line), and taught the secret handshake.
Area 51: Lovely spam.
Section Next: Upon receiving the aforementioned membership card, thou shalt burn the card as if it were a draft card while chanting inexplicably, "Hell, no! We won't go!"
Section After the Next: Your own chant phrase *may* be substituted. Remember, kids: "Rigid conformity= 
."
nhs, after all, is for subversive *INDIVIDUALS* (why be normal, anyways?).
Section 1: Meetings are silly.
Section 1-1 (corollary): Need I say more?
Section 1: Required useless and pointless meetings are very silly.
Section 2: Optional gatherings are not meetings.
Section 3: \ optional gatherings will be held, preferably around a bonfire, preferably on the 13th day of the 13th month of the year 666... Wait, that isn't *quite* possible...
Section 4: If there ARE any gatherings (pseudo-meetings), they will commence at either 4:20 or 7:13.
Section 1: Points for participation in nhs "projects", fire bombings, etc. and the penalties for each shall be assigned by the "nhs point person" at the discretion of the not-so-executive (see spleen (not appendix) x^2)committee according to the accompanying guidelines.
Section 2: -36 points is required for honorary status (sorry, doesn't include purely decorative tassel).
Section 3: Upon initiation, an inductee is granted -36 points.
Section Ö16: Members are expected to make themselves available to volunteer in the Adopt-a-Struggling-Crack-Dealer program. After all, the nhs is dedicated to community service and our community's future. Can't let those young 'uns fall through the cracks (wow, nifty use of the word 'crack') and become a doctor or lawyer or something... gotta have crack dealers.
Section 5: For a listing of certain point values and how much each activity is "worth" see spleen (not appendix) Q.
1. Thou SHALT (is that a word?... okay shall then) render 'false' idols and worship whatever gods you feel like at any particular moment (shrines are an added bonus)
2. Thou SHALL covet your neighbor's Dew
3. Fire makes things burn... make full use of this phenomenon.
Rule 4. NO 'POUFTERS' (Monty Python joke here) (not that there is anything wrong with that)
4. Thou SHALL goest and retrievest a shrubbery...
5. Hedonism shall 'go unrestrained' (hedonism=pursuit of pleasure for you unenlightened folk out there)
6. Go for the glory, Huck!
7. Thou shall greet your fellow hooligans with "G'day, Jacques" (official nhs daily greeting)
8. When someone else exclaims "DAMMIT!" you know what to say/reply...
9. "Intellectualize"
10. Thou SHALL listen to any and all voices in your head.
11. hey! It's a Prozac moment! (Remember what to pick when given a choice between depression and drugs)
12. Pop "Vitamin C drops" like they were Prozac... err, I mean candy...yeah that's what I mean.
13. Always use your wrath towards something productive, like revenge / vengence / random mail bombings / writing of anarchist manifestos
14. Thou SHALL question authority (always!) and strive to overturn unjust establishments (rage anginst the status quo)
15. Remember, King Kong died for your sins!
16. Go and seek Yoda. All questions will be answered.
17. Pray 5 times towards Djibouti daily (Repeat until dead??)
18. Drink more ovaltine.
19. If you think you see a vampire (or suspect you are a vampire yourself) throw sunflower seeds to the ground. JUST IN CASE.
20. Remember the Maine... Always... (silly propaganda here) or not...
21. Seize the day.
22. If you think you see a menacing troll, kick 'em in the shins and run away [run away!]
23. Thou shall regard *crack*erjack prizes as sacred objects, even if they are merely unspiffy, crappy pieces of cardboard that aren't even Wishbone prizes.
10/13-1. Never put anything up your nose not from this planet
10/13-2. TRUSTNO1
10/13-3. Deny everything
10/13-4. If there's a white van in your driveway, don't drink the water
10/13-5.If you ever become an exhibitionist, blame it on the 'mosquito bites' or at least the chip they must have implanted in your head
24. Transcend nothingness
25. Kill 'em all
26. Don't forget to give up bestiality for Lent
Section 1: Official nhs color: "Valpo Green" [alternate official color(s): 'blue and gold']
Section 2: Official nhs song: "It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I feel fine)" OR alternate song: "Maria"
Section 3: Official dance: the Time Warp
Section 4: Official controlled substance: crack, of course (heroin the albeit distant runner-up)
Section 5: Official sacrifices: small, unsuspecting freshmen, flaming cheese, anything else, etc.
Section 6: Official daily greeting: "G'day Jacques"
Section note: all "official" things are just a suggestion-- no arbitrary standards are set. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, be your own crazy self!
More stuff: Official nhs slogan #1: "If it moves... burn it."
EVEN more stuff: Official nhs slogan #2: "Beware the monolith."
Lots o' stuff: other possible official slogans include: "I am a giant halibut"; "Nudge-Nudge, Wink-wink"; "69... no I mean 54 or fight!"; "Arson? THAT'S ILLEGAL?... Oh well..."; "In crack we trust"; "Sure we can have order-- but at what price!?" (ala Milhouse); etc...
More Mostest Stuff: YET 'NOTHER optional nhs slogan: (insert your slogan here)
Section 7: spiffy semi-official symbol [graphic to be shown elsewhere]
Section 8: alternate semi-offical nhs symbol [same]
Section 1: The not-so-executive committee shall consist of the officials of the chapter and the imaginary, invisible advisor we call "George."
Section 2: Anyone who can come up with a sufficiently amusing title is an officer.
Section 3: Current postions include: neurotic Founder slash CIA crack dealer slash firewalker; co-conspirator slash trusty sidekick;
imperial fire wizard, mender of cheese slash 'trainspotter'; magician slash Marxist-Leninist, useless figurehead, and any other positions one
can think of. *cough*
Whereas, any willing inductees will be subjected to an Induction/Fire Initiation ceremony. This is a very secret ritual that
involves many sacred items and has been passed down by a sect of Buddhist priestesses and monks for many, many centuries. The
ceremony shall begin with...
/////////THIS SPLEEN IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION\\\\\\\\\
[note: this was much more amusing in the original. really.]
Section FBI case 1013666MF33.616: The phone rang. " Scully -- we have a case," Mulder said over the cell phone. "Forty-three abductions in the last two days..." * 'x-files episode' discontinued because it bears no relevance to "today's topic of discussion" *
Section 2: Relevance is not a valid criterion. For future reference, refer to the next section.
Section the next section: Chaos is good. 'Order' is bad... usually. 'Importance' is arbitrary. Time does not exist. Most people only pretend to live reality... but 'Don't ask me, I'm just a girl.. tee-hee tee-hee' (quote courtesy of Malibu Stacy)
Section 3: Apology. I hereby apologize for the bitterness above.
Section 4: Retraction. I hereby retract the previous apology. It's FUN to be bitter! No regrets for my (often) hostile cynicism!
Section 5: Shane! (said in a plaintive wail)
Section 6: Moving on...
Section 1: The nhs will have an ongoing program in place to provide crack-dealing mentoring as needed. (Adopt-a-Struggling-Crack-Dealer Program)
Section 2: The nhs will have a money-making project in the Spring at the discretion of the not-so-executive committee.
Section 2 Verse 2: YES the "money-making project" will involve crack but NO it will most certainly not involve 'cheese and weenies.'
Section 2 Verse 3: same as the first (altogether now) sung: The nhs will have a money making project in the spring at the discretion of the not-so-executive committee.
Section 2 Verse 4: Section 2 verse 2 is amended to include cheese logs in the money-making scheme.
Section 3: [omitted--the 'humor' of section 3 cannot possibly be understood in this medium]
Section 4: Resuming 'nhs Projects'. The nhs will firebomb the formal Christmas dance as an anarchy-making project.
Section 5: the nhs will try (try? there is no try...) to coordinate a Teacher Assassination Day.
Points (see Participation) will be based upon the following scale (-36 required for special honorary status)
surviving Induction/Initiation -36
assisting the Elderly +12
sacrificing small animals (and by animals I DO mean freshmen) -4
community service naught (nought?)
community service under court order -1 per hour
donating blood -1
donating kidneys -2 per kidney
donating lung -3 per lung (up to 5)
donating corneas blindness
donation heart death (SILLY YOU!)
donation brain be like... [CERTAIN teachers?]
playing with fire -1
playing with fire while juggling -5
singing like a freak from a Disney movie +3
doing (singing/dancing) the time warp -2
Teacher Assassination Day -5
misdemeanor Charge -2
felony charge -3
using a Star Wars quote in daily conversation -2
using a Simpsons quote in daily conversation -2
wielding cattle prod -2
wielding cattle -1
contributing to the delinquency of YOURSELF -1
spork brandishing -3
attending a fire-safety course +5
worshipping Eris -5
Adopt-a-Struggling Crack-Dealer -2 (for each inspired)
"seeing the music and hearing the colors" -1 (wink, wink)
making a haji to area 51 and/or the grassy knoll -2
questioning authority -4
going shopping 'cause math is hard -1
*YOUR SUGGESTIONS HERE*
(the end? there is no end...)
Avid Hooligan
--composed many moons ago, during a particular 'blackout'. 'Twas the crack, I say.
[typed by 'Helmut, Lord of the Realm' (many praises) using as many non-Microsoft products as possible by commandment of *nhs founder. Hopefully the typing will serve as penance for being such a bastard. Nah! EIGHT MONTHS! Okay, maybe six...but still!]
Comments? Questions? Additions? Favorite way to prepare Jello? Email *nhs...
