UPDATED APRIL 16th 1999. takhomasak
EVERYDAY I COME THROUGH HERE AND I SAY I DON'T WANT ANY ICE IN MY GODDAMN COKE! WHAT DO YOU DO?? YOU PUT ICE IN MY COKE! NEXT TIME YOU PIECE OF DOG SHIT I DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT WANT ANY ICE IN THE COKE? RIGHT NOW I AM DUE SOMEWHERE, OTHERWISE I'D BE DEMANDING A NEW ONE, BUT FORTUNATLY FOR YOU I AM A VERY BUSY MAN! I HAVE NO TIME TO DEAL WITH INCOMPETENCE. YOU'RE GONNA NEED THIS ICE FOR YOUR HEAD IF I COME THROUGH HERE AGAIN AND FIND ICE IN MY COKE. I PAY FOR COKE NOT HALF COKE HALF FROZEN WATER. REMEMBER THIS FACE BABY, THIS IS THE FACE OF THE MAN WHO DOES NOT WANT ICE.
hello have you seen johnathan? His is
big and yellow and lives in my pants.
I enjoy reading Vanity Fair when i am
taking a crap in the bathroom. I like
to smell the perfum in the ads. I think
my sister knows whats up.
Midday through the afternoon after my 3
o'clock snack my father arrives home to
put on his boxer shorts and watch wheel
rip taylor dances privatly at strip
clubs in las vegas for $10 a song.
Confetti is $5 extra.
I have a friend who used to get drunk
and stoned and ride around in the
country. Once he ran over a horse. The
owner was not happy.
"bi....curious?" is widely known as an
acceptable homosexual pick up line in
Cortez always saves one tab of acid for
the fourth of july. He stores it in the
freezer under his icecube trays. When
the fireworks go off he is reminded of
his grandfather's funeral.
Al was deeply hurt when two blck men
driving by yelled "hey fat boy, nice
crack" out the window of their passing
car. He had just purchased the last 2x
"homie don't play that" shirt in town at
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I WAS THE BEAV
YOU MOTHER F**KER!!!!
Fred schnieder of the B-52's collects
baseball cards. His prized possession
is an '81 fleer autographed san diego
in november joan's cat died of AIDS, it
was a shock to the family. fred's
picture was front page of the gaston
with surf music making a come back my
cousin, herald bought a club in dowtown
Browsburgh and named it "Herald's". the
sand got into everyone's shoes and he
soon had a mental breakdown. Herald
loves psychotropic drugs.
after a fight behind bus #45 my lip was
bleeding a girl kissed me, it was my
zealously she conjured up a spoon as to
feed me with. Aunt sara was used to
being bossed around.
video games often bore me until i
discover my fathers collection of
X-rated CD-Roms which never were able to
Sam was a shy boy. Even so, no one was
suprised when he became known world wide
as professional wrestler "the pink
evian spelt backwards is naive. odlid
spelled backwards is dildo.
The pressure in my groin increased. I
was in much pain. I knew then it was
time to masturbate even though it is
against my religion.
if nell carter lost weight she would be
Everyone likes to watch t.v. I like to
watch people watching t.v.
At Radio shack a transvestite asked if i
needed any assistance. I replied, "yes,
where did you get those wonderful
I use my sister's nail polish to write
"don't make me come down there" all over
the 7/11. the local news media have
labeled me "the lost hero"
MAN: JIVE TALKING TURKEY! I BLOW YOUR
HEAD OF JUST AS SOON AS LOOK AT YOU!
MAN 2: gobble, gobble, gobble.
Me and wade found a dead bird on the
side of the road. When i poked it with
a stick wade jumped on it. The guts and
maggots gushed out. Wade denies this
My nipples are the size of silver
dollars. I am meeting with a surgeon
regarding laser treatment on tuesday.
15% of the entire world suffer from some
type of nipple abnormality.
I hate cops, people and tight
6 year old jimmy applied his mother's
lipstick, grabbed the car keys and drove
wrecklessly to the CVS 2 blocks away.
Wearing his mother's high heel shoes, he
headed towards the soda pop section. By
the time he brought a 2 liter of
mountain dew to the counter the cops had
i heard a man once bit into a piece of
celery and it blew his head off.
I have always been attracted to betty
white. Her love of animals draws me to
her even stronger
Corey Feldman charges between $10-$25
for an autographed picture depending on
who is asking him for it.
I like my dog to watch me go potty. It
gives him something to do and i just
like his company.
George Clinton had 1/3 of his audience
leave during his performance at the
paladium in '94 after he blurted out
an acoustic version of
After losing a bet with frank he
proceeded to have sex with me. Am i
I once dated a colgate girl. Boy, did
her breath stink!
When I was a child, the babysitter made
me rub hand lotion on her breasts. She
smelled like corn chips.
I recently bought a box of cap'n crunch
after i saw an ad urging adults to buy
it saying it still tastes good. WRONG.
It tastes like men enjoying themselves.
Cap'n crunch? More like cap'n
I was confused as child when i attended
a television taping of male dancer Tony
le' tigre expecting Tony the tiger.
Never the less I have been dancing ever
since and now eat total.
An older member of my family likes to
wear clear finger nail polish saying "it
strengthens the nails". I think he
knows he is fooling no one.
I like to camp. It is the only time
during the year I get to wipe my ass
with dead leaves.
the year after jimmy johnson retired
from the dallas cowboys he coached his
ten year old son's little league
baseball team. They went 0-15. He
coached under the name tommy
When julie was 15 she ran away to
hollywood to become a movie star.
changing her name to Zoe she was very
popular among street kids for having a
copy of prince's purple rain on
cassette. She now works at stein mart.
While celebrating easter, michael looked
out his window to see 2 seven year olds
looking through a trash can. He figured
they were looking for easter
How's it going? Sara and I are off to
Club Med next week for vacation. I sure
can use it and my mercedes needs a
tune-up! The office is killing me.
Sara says I've aged 10 years in the last
six months. The guys at the office
didn't want me to go! They don't know
where they'll get their daily dose of
dilbert each morning! I might sneak in
a few days and hang some up before we
leave just to give them a kick!
Remember when we were at the frat house
back in college? Do you remember that
girl rebecca? Well, I never told anyone
this, but when we were dating I knocked
her up. She went to get an abortion and
I told her I'd pay for it but I never
did. She called me at work a few days
ago telling me she wants $500.00 plus
$100.00 interest. I told her she was
out of her mind! Larry, she's
threatening to call Sara at the daycare
center. If she finds out she'll kill
me! Could you take care of it for me?
I don't want any canceled checks coming
through here made out to rebecca if you
know what I mean. You'd be a life saver
if you could do this for me!
I feel really bad about having the kid
aborted. I've always been pro-life but
when we first found out she was pregnant
she had me punch her in the stomach
repeatedly hoping she'd miscarry to no
avail. I figured after that the kid
would be retarded anyway. I would've
named it larry after you if it were a
boy. Vanessa after porn star vanessa
del rio if it were a girl.
This brings me to another thing I've
been meaning to talk with you about.
Rememer when your daughter peggy came to
spend the week here with my daughter
jen? Some weird things happened. She
seems to be very "sexually aware" for
her age. I had some concerns that
possibly she may have been molested.
Sara has some brochures on the subject
at the daycare center which I am
enclosing with this letter for you to look
over. I've never really trusted Paul.
I'm not accusing him of anything but I'd
get her out of that house during the
day. He asked me to smoke a joint with
Anyway, Larry, enough of that. I'm
going to go pack my shit and head for
the beaches. Sara says she has
fantisized about wife swapping!
hubba-hubba-hubba! If only she really
was that hip! Maybe I can sneak a hand
job from the massage girl! Take care
SIGMA, SIGMA, SIGMA!
things that make me smile
- little inner city children dancing around a fire hydrant in the hot summer sun.
- penile enlargement advertisements
- 4 leaf clovers and double headed dildos
- the music of tammy wynett
- wax museums
- flea collars on rabbits
- my friend's dog named dog
- dirty elbows. clean cheats, 5 o'clock shadows
- the fear of being caught masturbating
- gays in the soviet millitary
- tonya harding's wedding night video
- bazooka joe bubble gum
- people from 3rd world countries paying to jump into pools of green jell-o
- decorating my house with
- picking at my dingleberries
- chating with local women on the c.b.
- the traveling wilburys
- every gay porno that has a cowboy/barn scene
- the unknown comic
- all episodes of taxi with racial themes
- midgets getting poked in the ass
- baking a turkey on memorial day
- the memory of losing my virginity to
my name si travis i have a black gas station girlfriend
that girl is mine
sometimes i am a fat cracker eating whore and have crumbs in my bed. I like the way it feels.
i rub it on my doggy's stomach and the cat licks it off. Their names are boots and puss.
my little cousin eddie licks his plate clean every night. He is infected with hepititis A. My grandma loves to play scrabble.
drunk off of wiskey spike's life ended tragically that summer when a giant pepsi balloon crashed onto him at woodstock 95. corprate rock sucks.
in the summer, sharon uses ice to ease the pain shhe suffers from her lactating breasts. Billy, jr. is too old to suckle and her use of valtrex has prolonged her pain. She will by doan's back pain medication tomorrow as juanita had told her some 2 weeks earlier it helped her when she had swollen glands, the effect of a prom night party gone bad.
that morning, sunday the 13th day of june was the first time i had seen my father's anus. As i held the bowl to catch any excess fluids i noticed how strong and masculant it looked. I also was very pround having heard that most fathers/sons share similar anus DNA
his name was bob and he lived on the cornor directly accross from grandmother's. I knew he was doing grandma hewley, but little did i know, that with a six pack of beer and a bucket of original receipe that he would soon be doing me, as well as grandma hewly....at the same time.
in my town theres a guy...I forget his name...but he thought he was the real life elvis after he came back from vietnam. He always called me and my friends girls and sissies.