Ask Angry Cable Modem!
Greetings everyone! Once again The Soul Factory brings you the highest in quality entertainment! Since I am programming handicapped, I bring you the lowest tech garbage my mind can churn out. Meet Angry Cable Modem. This little mother fucker showed up in my mail after I thought I had cable modem service. Don't ask. Because of his lousy disposition, You send in a question and Angry Cable Modem will answer it! If your question ROX, I'll even post it here with the answer!
Dear Angry Cable Modem,
I have been thumbed down my entire life. At every corner my mother is always telling me that nothing is good enough. I have been raised to subserve someone who lives a thousand miles away. I have been raised to respect violence as a way to solve problems. I have been raised to hate those who don't fit my narrow frame of "normal." I establish that frame by looking in the mirror. How do I solve these problems Angry Cable Modem?
Your friend,
C.N. of St. Paul, MN
Dear C.N.,
First off, I don't even know you.. so please address me as MR. MODEM. *sigh*... you want one way to get my 10baseT in a twist? Well that's it.. JESUS CHRIST... Anyway.. about your fucked up life:
Lemme give you a hint. The next time the Frankenscence container comes by... DUCK. The brass on the end of the chain works effectively as a mace usually enjoyed by altar boys on Sunday night... but also can unintentionally smack a "follower" and cause severe mental hemmoraging.. then again, you'd have to already have that to follow your path. You might also want to do some research on something called "The Dark Ages" and "The Inquisition." Chances are your "life" might be related to the people responsible for those. Oh yeah, and about the whole looking in the mirror thing.... You can probably solve that by wearing a bag over your head and/or an iron maiden. That way no one has to see your shame covered face. Problem Solved. Next?
Plug it up Bitch,
Angry Cable Modem