June 10, 1999
Dell;
I haven't talked to you in quite some time. I'm not sure why, I suppose I needed a break. I needed some time to pretend that you didn't exist, that you didn't leave. That must sound horrible... and I'm sorry.
Things have been really hard around here. I'm having trouble seeing the light of day. On one hand, I am hating the manner in which you left us, but on the other hand, I see the peace that it must offer. But here I am, still struggling, still fighting for my life... something you gave up on. How could you not think of us?? The remnants of you... I turn away from love.
No matter what, I miss you.... I love you eternally.
May 14, 1999
Dell;
I walked up quietly to visit with you tonight.. needing you, yet feeling you with me. I didn't have any words that would come to my mouth to describe what I was feeling in my heart. I kneeled down with you, hoping you felt what I was feeling. I closed my eyes, thinking only of you... your smile, your laugh, your anger, your pain. I kneeled before you.. my heart screaming out for you to embrace me, make me whole again... but feeling so empty. I was visualizing you so well in my mind while I was on my knees with you, that I knew when I looked up, you would be there. I was scared... so very afraid to look... not wanting you to vanish from my life again. I sat there, eyes and fists clenched, feeling the silence of the world around me while my mind was screaming for it to stop... getting the nerve to open my eyes.. to face you, praying for you to be there. But all I see....
A beautiful tombstone before me.. with your picture, all of you I will ever see again. Your name and dates of life on this earth, two vases, flowers... that is all I see before me. I sat there sobbing... feeling your essence flood away from me again, reality coming back into my soul, taking hold of the memories and happiness and squashing it, as it had done a little over a year ago. Hating you all over again for leaving me... being so hurt that you abandoned us.. the memories flooding back...
Please, please forgive me. You are my heart beating... you are the tears I cry. I love you so much... you will always be my big brother, my protector... now in heaven, rather than on earth. You are my strength and passion.. I'm so sorry. I miss you... love you eternally.
May 6, 1999
Dell;
I spent the afternoon with Mom today. She misses you so much. Everytime I look into her eyes, I can't help but see the pain she holds there... even when she's smiling, I can see it in her eyes. Happiness isn't as overwhelmingly wonderful as it used to be. Now, it just feels like a smile, covering up a broken heart.
I wonder sometimes if you were still here, would you be happy now? or would you still be tormented? I try so hard not to be selfish and realize that you've gone to a place that holds so much love I can't even fathom it.. but it's hard not to want you back, even if it meant you would be hurting. I want my big brother back.. and most of all, I want a second chance. I want to be given another opportunity to know you better, to be closer with you. I'm so sorry for failing you.
I miss you... I love you eternally.
May 3, 1999
Dell;
Last night was so hard for some reason. I was looking through some pictures with mom and it took about all I had in me not to break down right there. I was wanting so badly to touch your face in the pictures, to remember what you were like. I stopped at the cemetary on the way home... I sat there and visited with you the only way that I can. I was on me knees, oblivious to the world, wondering when this is going to stop. It's been over a year... and even now, I am down in the depths of pain.. with questions, with anger... with hopelessness.
Someone had left some cigarettes for you in your mailbox at the cemetary *smile*. I miss you so much. I used to complain at you sooo much to quit smoking, and now, I would give anything to have you standing in front of me, blowing smoke in my face, laughing at me like you used to. I yearn for your smile.. please help us through this.
I miss you, I love you eternally
April 26, 1999
Dell;
I want so badly to reach within my soul.. change or remove the things that are bad and cause pain... but I realize that I can't do this for myself, I couldn't do this for you. I suppose our pain inside is what allows us to feel happiness to the extent that we do... truly grasp onto it and thank God that we've been given a reason to smile.... even if that smile is through tears ....
I had a nightmare a couple of nights ago.. .woke up screaming and crying... I dreamed of the day we buried you. I remember after the services at the cemetary... everyone was walking away.... I walked up to your coffin, and I kneeled down on my knees and sobbed for you... sobbed for the body within that box that had left us... I curled up into myself and cried.. not wanting to leave you there.. I knew that if I left you, I couldn't hold your hand again to tell you goodbye, that it was over. I swear it crossed my mind to grab onto that coffin with all my might and never let go.. make them drag me away if they had to.. but never let go of you again.... as I had emotionally done for so many years....
I am so sad today. It seems like a battle that will never be won... just know that I love you dearly.
I miss you, I love you eternally.
April 21, 1999
Dell;
It's happened again. More people have taken their own lives, but this time, they took some with them. Dell... I am tired of this. I don't want to be able to understand the feelings of every single person who has lost someone to suicide. I'm tired of thinking about you, the pain... the two seem to be interchangeable thoughts, I can't have one without the other. I can't think about tomorrow without thinking of the next 60 years of tomorrows I will have to experience without your smile, your laugh, your protection. But mostly, I'm just tired...of everything. I want to be able to smile again, truly laugh from deep within myself. I don't want to cringe everytime I see a gun go off. I want to have the power inside of me to stare up at the night sky without thinking of what I have lost, but rather what I will gain in the future to create my strength and happiness.
I miss you. I miss the silly little gifts you would buy me for no reason. Do you remember the pocohontas toothbrush? And as I sit here crying, thinking of you, I can't help but smile... with some of the memories. My car needs to be fixed, maybe you could give me a hand from up there? *smile* I miss you, I love you eternally. April 16, 1999 Dell; It's been a sad day for some reason. Maybe it's the rainy weather or just that spring is coming up. Everything feels wrong. Spring, a birthing process for the world, yet you are not with us. I feel sometimes, when I think about you, as though my heart is breaking. I can actually feel the pain in my chest. Is it really possible to suffer from a broken heart? I look out at the stars sometimes... I just stare up wondering which one you are, if you're even there, and if you can see us. I stare up and wonder what the future may hold. Will I lose someone else the way that I lost you? It's a thought too despairing to think about. Tonight, I am thinking of words left unsaid, actions left undone... did you know that I loved you? Did you know that I thought you were strong? I feel badly for the emptiness you felt inside, wondering if I could have made a difference, but knowing I'll never get that second chance.... my thoughts are jumbled tonight, my heart aches, and my mind is racing for answers. I miss you, I love you eternally. April 12, 1999 Dell; I looked over the pages I made you tonight... reading about the horrible memories I have of that night that you left us. I don't know where these flashbacks come from, but I hate them. I remember getting that phone call, telling me your life was over, crying so hard, so in shock. I was so mad at you.. and still am. It feels like you hurt us on purpose, like your good ol' selfishness was coming out all over the place and leaving us behind, as usual, to make up for it. And yet, I hurt for you... trying to imagine how those final hours must've felt, knowing that you were going to leave us, writing those notes... how hurtful and lonely that must've been for you. I wonder if you were crying when you put the gun in your mouth, if you were at peace... I have so many questions. Tonight, I am mainly just aching for you. I miss you so much... I know it's mean, but I never thought I would miss you if you were gone. I'm so sorry for feeling that way... I'm so sorry and I hope that you know that. Everytime I see someone that looks like you looked, it kills me.. takes away a piece of me. I think for a split second... maybe it was a cruel joke, maybe they were wrong... only to discover when they get closer, they don't have your smile or your moustache, or your pained eyes. I miss you, I love you... eternally.
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