6/6/6, 8:31 PM
God fucking hates Standard iSsue Fagazine.  This should come as no surprise to anyone who's been following its misadventures for the past little while.  We just have the shittiest luck, and it's showing no signs of letting up.  Like today, for instance.  We just wanted to upload the new website (along with some new articles) to celbrate 6/6/6 with you kids and what happens?  Our fucking uploads won't work.

So for those of you who knew we planned on putting up this new shit today, and were wondering what happened, THAT'S what happened.  GOD happened.  But we're gonna keep trying, cuz what better day to fight God than 6/6/6, right?  Hang in there, we're gonna try to get this shit up by the time Law & Order: SVU comes on.  Happy 6/6/6. - Ben

May 31, 7:52 PM
Q: What's the difference between Standard iSsue Trainwreck and Kim Jong Il's North Korea?

A: Absolutely nothing!  Both are fantastic and noble machines being led on to bright, productive futures under the wise and caring gaze of handsome and charismatic leaders!  That's right, strange and wonderful things are happening to Standard iSsue: for one thing, the new site is like 98% done.  For another thing, we've got our filthy talons on an actual server (so we'll be one step closer to operating within the confines of the law) and it's FREE.  Also, can anyone hook us up with a copy of Quark?  We wanna go to print now.

Standard iSsue Fire-Breathing Fagazine: we are becoming a man. - Ben

May 28, 4:09 PM
We're crying sweat and bleeding tears to try to get this new shit out to you.  Believe in the redeeming powers of the Trainwreck. - Ben

May 22, 10:58 PM
Thanks to everyone who helped out with the mystery song.  In case you were wondering, it's 'Baker Street' by Gerry Rafferty.  I'm glad I could finally put that puppy to bed.  Next up, it's the site update. - Ben

May 18, 8:27 PM
All you kids in Ottawawesome who dig hip-hop, consider checking out Atherton And Sire's CD release party at Babylon tomorrow night at 9pm.  I find they sound kind of like Blackalicious.

And to all kids everywhere: help me out.  For WEEKS now, me and Nina have been trying to figure out what this song is, and everybody we ask knows what we're talking about but not the name of the artist or the song.  It's from the '80s (we're pretty sure) and it features saxophone prominently.  It goes like: doo dooo-doo doo-doo doo-doo-dooooo!  Doo dooo-doo doo-doo doo-dooooo DOO!  It's got some lyrics about leaving the booze behind and starting a new life in a small town or something.  It's been featured on BILLIONS of TV shows and movies; one in particular I can think of is an episode of Stella when the dude with the glasses runs back to some chick and starts making out with her.  Somebody said it's been on The Simpsons.  PLEASE E-MAIL ME OR POST ON THE GUEST BOOK IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SONG!!  My e-mail is jensen_ben@hotmail.com.  Put "urgent" in the subject line.  Thank you.

Also, if you didn't get the good news, check the post below this one. - Ben

May 17, 9:27 PM
Dose has gone under.  The mighty and honourable Standard iSsue Trainwreck has vanquished another one of its enemies.  You're next, Pitchfork, you bitch.

Re-design/new articles soon, I PROMISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE. - Ben

May 9, 5:14 PM
Wow.  This is my second time writing here in one day.  What a treat for you, huh?  Just thought I'd put this funny little video that's (being?) called Indie Clerk Assholes.  It stars Andy Blitz (the dude with the shaved head from Conan O'Brien) and some dude named Aziz Ansari who I'd never heard of but is awesome.  It's pretty self-explanatory, but I'll explain it anyway: they play a couple of pretentious Pitchfork-reading douchebags.  Hilarity ensues.

Don't forget to also read what I wrote below not two hours ago; I write so rarely on here, it'd be a shame if you missed it right? - Ben

May 9, 3:34 PM
How you guys doing?  Alright?  Just checking in to let you know progress IS being made on the new layout/content.  Make like the New Kids and hang tough, it'll be here sooner than you probably believe.  It'll also be sweeter than you probably believe.

Speaking of sweeter than you probably believe: how righteous is Gnarls Barkley?  Check out some of their tracks, if you haven't yet: myspace.com/gnarlsbarkley.  Especially check out 'Crazy'.  If you had a voice like Cee-Lo's, you could afford to be as ugly as you are, or ever dreamed to be.  You could definitely wear a week's worth of dumps strung around your neck on a cat's tail and chicks wouldn't even care.  They'd just be lulled in by The Voice.

New shit soon. - Ben

April 30, 9:45 AM
The Standard iSsue Trainwreck is still alive and well.  Continue to have faith in us or we'll hire a ninja to punch your sister in the head*.

The new web design is looking righteous.  So righteous in fact, that I'm kind of reluctant to post any of our new articles until the redesign is up.  Which is a bummer for you NOW, but think how pumped you're gonna be in a week or two when the whole damn thing goes up.

In the mean time, here are some songs you should check out that are rad:

- What Love Is by Rocket From The Tombs (this is the band that RFTC named themselves after, and when it broke up, its members became Pere Ubu and the Dead Boys.  Hot shit, right?  Also, they never actually released an album; the only recordings are live and demos, so all you pretentious little haircuts out there can really dig on this.)
- Read It & Weep by Rocket From The Tombs
- Final Solution by Rocket From The Tombs
- What You Know by T.I. (this is the greatest hip hop track since the last thing Young Jeezy lent at least five seconds of his time to.)
- You Know Who by T.I. (this one's got a heavy beat.)
- I'm Talking To You by T.I.
- Seer by Witch (this is the first track off J. Mascis's new stoner rock album.  Heavy and trippy as shit, with some killer album art to boot.  I can't believe I just said "to boot".  I HATE when people say that.  Witch must've possessed me.)

Alright.  See you kids soon; I gotta get back to working on the trainwreck.

Oh yeah, PS: the new layout is still gonna have random photos on the front page (only this time we're gonna have a bunch that rotate), so if you've got some cool photos you've taken (live shots of GOOD bands, party shots, funny shots...) feel free to send them in.  You'll get a credit for it, and then you can tell all your friends you bro down with the Trainwreck and they'll believe you.

*Not a joke. - Ben

April 13, 8:28 PM

Why'd I put a picture of a boob up on here, you're asking?  Because that's not just a picture of a boob.  That's an ad for a little shindig our good friend Evan Seventeen from Partytack! is throwing tomorrow night at Maverick's here in Ottawawesome.  It's gonna be fun.  Especially if someone throws on 'What You Know' by T.I. cuz that song's the balls.  I can't stop listening to it.

Sunday morning I woke up and did 60(!) push ups.  I knew it would be a productive day.  So I started working on the magazine's re-design.  It's looking rad as fuck.  It will slay you.

It'll be up soon with some new articles, including the much-dreaded Standard iSsue Best Albums Of 2005 list. - Ben

April 4, 5:09 PM
No, seriously guys.  SERIOUSLY.  New shit soon.  I just got outta jail, so I haven't been able to update.  Go to this site instead of my website cuz obviously this one's better: www.tourretesguy.com.  Thanks to Nathan for showing me this.

Also, any of you Ottawa kids: come to Babylon tonight to watch and also listen to Black Actors and Embassies Of Denmark tonight.  It's like two bucks, so why the fuck not, right?  Babylon on Bank St., 10 o'clock.  I'll be there so you can punch me in the face or something for not updating this shit.  Maybe THAT'LL teach me.  Cripes, eh guys?  Cripes. - Ben

March 23, 10:09 PM
Go download 'From The Planet Of The Eat' by Cannibal Ox.  Might as weel, cuz there is NOTHING new here and that track is MIND BLOWING.  WhooooOOOOOoooooOOOOO. - Ben

March 19, 12:27 PM
This fucking sucks.  I have the day off from the educational toy warehouse and all I wanted to do was get some quality work done on the magazine/web site and it's just not happening.  Here's how I saw my day happening: Getting some illos done for the re-design, completing a few more entries for the Best Albums Of 2005 list, writing at least one article.  Here's how it's GONNA happen: finish writing this, buy a bottle of whisky, drink it.  Apologies to everyone who actually reads this thing.  When it's actually getting updated, it's awesome, but they don't call it the Standard iSsue Trainwreck for nothing, do they? - Ben

March 14, 1:37 PM
There's a new article up in the 'articles' section and I think you better go check it out cuz it concerns Three 6 Mafia.  Also, the new site re-design is coming along swimmingly, thank you for asking.  That shit should be up sooner than you think, as well as the best albums of 2005 list and some other new pieces of awesome. - Ben

March 1, 7:55 PM
Pretty much all I did yesterday was work on the magazine and listen to the new Lil Wayne album.  Both are killer. - Ben

February 26, 11:58 AM
Since you guys have been so damn patient with all the bullshit, there's a new article up in the articles section.  It's called the Five Best Singles Of 2005 and it's up there to tide you over until we're finally done the Best Albums Of 2005 list.  Take note, though: it was actually written back in September.  It's just that so much bad shit happened to the magazine that we haven't been able to update consistently (losing internet service, breaking my hand, the computer exploding, etc...).  Anyway, enjoy it, and know that there's new shit on the horizon that's gonna murder you. - Ben

February 21, 4:25 PM
Yesterday, Kurt Cobain would've turned 39 and Hunter S. Thompson's corpse turned one.

If you haven't checked out those new Liars tracks yet, DO IT.

New shit soon, including a whole site re-design (finally) and a whole new name for the magazine. - Ben

February 18, 7:13 PM
Alright, this is really gay, but this is my second update in a row where I'm linking to a Myspace page.  Last time it was for some unreleased tracks by late local heavies Experiment In Terror, this time it's for new tracks by Liars, including a cover of Territorial Pissings (their new, original stuff is better though).  Check this shit out even if you're a panty-waist and don't like Liars; it's not as punishing as their last album, and it's not as dancey as their first.  'The Other Side Of Mt. Heart Attack' actually sounds like their homeboys TV On The Radio are wearing off on them.  The fourth track is the killerest though.

New shit on this website soon.  Looks like I'll be getting a copy of Photoshop tomorrow, my old computer's harddrive is ready at the Mac shop, and everything should be good.  Stay black. - Ben

February 12, 11:04 AM
Standard iSsue Trainwreck isn't afraid of the future, kids.  In fact, as you may or may not know, I'm so keyed in to this whole "interweb" scene, I even got a Myspace account (go here).  Now I can say awesome things like "oh, we should totally trade Myspaces" or "I met three of my ex-wives on Myspace".

It's not all glamour though.  It's also sifting through a lot of random ska bands and other bullshit asking to be your internet friend.  And I think I'd rather sift through random used needles than random ska bands.  But every once in a while a GOOD band asks to be your internet friend and that's exactly what happened to me on February seventh of this year.

Late Ottawa greats Experiment In Terror asked to hold internet hands with me.  I accepted, and checked out their Myspace page, which is awesome because it has FOUR tracks on it and news that they might release a discography.

I had forgotten how rad that band was.  I've been listening to those four tracks (especially the first one, 'The Day I Came Home') non-stop for the past few days now, and I'm actually pretty bummed they're not a band anymore.

Anyway, the point of all this is to urge you kids to go to myspace.com/experimentinterrorcore to check out what all the fuss is-, was- and will be (if they release that discography) about.  If you dig on a Black Flag/Minor Threat sound with some epic metal breakdowns and structures thrown in, this is your bag of dicks right here.

And, in other news, it's my birthday tomorrow.  Send me lots of birthday greetings.  And write those greetings on 20's.

Also, we have Standard iSsue pins now.  If you live in Ottawa, and you see me on the street (you know, taking a nap or something) just ask for one.  They're pretty bad-ass. - Ben

February 9, 8:37 PM
It's been a long, long time (TOO long), but I just put a new article up.  It's a simple affair, kinda ranty, but it's all I got right now as I still don't have any Photoshop or anything like that, or even any of the shit that was on my old, dead computer.  Hopefully, I'll get that shit back soon and I can put up other people's articles (cuz they're better than this one).  More new shit soon. - Ben

February 2, 11:38 PM
Soon, children, soon. - Ben

January 30, 9:18 AM
This is what's going on, as we stand, right now: I finally got my cast off on Sunday.  Which made it a hell of a lot easier to work on the Trainwreck's shitbox old iMac.  So I figured I'd put a couple new articles on the website (one by Davey Quesnelle, guitarist for Quebexico and the late Robot Kill City, and one by Graeme Beamish, local DJ and host of Mean Streets Radio on CHUO here in Ottawa) for you guys, but that's when the "computer" (more like an Etch-A-Sketch) decided to die.  So I went and bought a new one yesterday.  Which was very confusing because I don't know anything about computers, but it seems to be working fine and it's got a nice big monitor.  Unfortunately, none of the old shit (graphics, new articles, etc...) is on it because the "hard drive" (that's like the main part of the computer where all the shit is stored) on the old one hasn't been copied yet by the guys at The Mac Group.

But enough space talk; the bottom line is, I'm gonna try to get some shit up for you as soon as possible (including, maybe, the Best Albums Of 2005 list), the only thing is, none of them will have graphics cuz I don't have Photoshop or anything on here yet.  Savvy?  Alright.  Stay black, kids. - Ben

January 11, 9:17 PM
Here's how much I love you: despite having a BROKEN HAND, I've been working on the magazine (including the best albums of 2005 list) so you kids'll have GOOD shit to read instead of garbage like Pitchfork and Dose.  What has JESUS done for you, lately?

Don't forget to become my internet friend: www.myspace.com/standardissuemag. - Ben

January 7, 6:07 PM
Happy New Year.  Updates soon, I hope, but we've got a NEW problem now: my right hand's in a cast, making it VERY difficult to type, draw, or do ANYTHING needed to update this poor, embattled magazine.  Keep believeing in the Trainwreck.  It'll rise up and kill again, I promise. - Ben

December 30, 11:43 AM
Good news, childrens: I have internet now.  And a phone.  And a spare room for all these new-found luxuries.  I am probably the richest person you've ever heard of.

But that's neither here nor there.  What IS here and there is that now that I've got all this shit, this stupid magazine's gonna start getting updated again. - Ben

December 11, 2:20 PM
I am NOT dead; those rumours are FALSE.  This magazine is even LESS dead.  I'll have new articles and all that for you guys soon, including a brand new Stop It! Stop It! Stop It! cuz you all dig on it so hard.  But you know what?  Standard Issue Trainwreck digs on YOU so hard!

Sorry for the lack of updates, and the lack of tending to the Myspace account (http://www.myspace.com/standardissuemag).  It's not because I don't love you, kids.

Also, if you've sent me an e-mail in the past month or so, and think it might've ended up in my junk mail, please send it again, because my junk mail erases itself after five days.  Thank you. - Ben

November 22, 5:49 PM
Three new articles are up. - Ben

November 16, 6:52 PM
No new articles just yet (thouigh I did just finish writing a doozy), but ehre are some sondga s you should maybe listen to.

Wasted by Black Flag
Don't Fall Down by 13th Floor Elevators
Rock N ROll Nigger by Patti Smith
53rd & 3rd by The Ramones
R.A.M.O.N.E.S. by Motorhead
Motorhead by Motorhead
Motorhead by Hawkwind (just kidding)
Greystone Chapel by Johnny Cash (on At Folsom Prison)
Thug Motivation 101 by Young Jeezy
Jailbait by The Time Flys
Funny Thing by The Reigning Sound
Mutiny And Lonesome Blues by The Deadly Snakes
Cold To The Touch by The Brian Jonestown Massacre

Download those tracks while you're becoming Standard iSsue Trainwreck's internet friend over at myspace.com/standardissuemag.  Anoton Newcombe's our internet friend (as of today) so don't go thinking YOU'RE too good for it. - Ben

November 12, 5:34 PM
Three new articles are up, including a Quebexico interview interview (that is not a typo; you'll understand once you read the interview interview interview (okay, THAT was a typo, it's just supposed to be "interview interview")).

Write us and tell us how awesome we are for putting up new articles just FIVE DAYS after the last time we put up new articles. - Ben

November 7, 5:24 PM
I hope all you guys voted for Standard iSsue in the Ottawa X-Press readers' poll.  Cuz if you didn't, you're gonna feel pretty shitty when I tell you we went ahead and got two new articles for you and they're up right now, but not only that, we got a bunch of OTHER new articles coming soon-like.  So I just hope for your sake, your conscience is clean so you can enjoy these new articles in a guilt-free manner.

Also, I might soon go into a self-imposed exile, get clean and sober, and prepare the first print issue of Standard iSsue Trainwreck.   And then party my BALLS off at the launch party (which is shaping up to be slamming; we'll keep you all posted).

And all you Myspace people can be our internet friends now because the Trainwreck has a Myspace account now.  Go to www.myspace.com/standardissuemag to bro down--INTERNET STYLE!

Holy hell does Standard iSsue ever love the fuck out of all of you. - Ben

November 1, 5:39 PM
Standard iSsue Magazine gives and it gives.  It fucking hurts sometimes; sometimes it BLEEDS, we give so much.  But we continue to give because we love the children.  We continue to give and SELDOM do we ask for anything in return.  We might steal your alcohol or your girl when you're not looking, but seldom do we ASK anything of you.

Well consider this a seldom time.

You see, (mostly) shitty local rag The Ottawa X-Press is holding its annual Best Of Ottawa poll and there are more than a few categories in there that we are the best in Ottawa at ("best local website" for instance).  We want YOU to go HERE and vote for us.  We deserve some fucking recognition for delivering the goods every single once in a while.

Also, don't forget to vote Sleeping Pilot, Quebexico, Banditas, or some other local class act for "best local band".

REMEMBER TO DO THIS BY NOVEMBER 7TH!!  That's soon, for all of you without a job, so put down the bong for a second and vote.  For us.

Thank you for your support. - Ben

Rocktober 28, 5:34 PM
New shit soon!  And it's good!  You're pumped!- Ben

Rocktober 18, 3:15 PM
So my girlfriend's really smart and everything and she said it'd be a good idea to start a Myspace account for the magazine because that way more than three people might find out about it.  So here it is: myspace.com/standardissuemag.  The future is NOW as far as Standard iSsue Magazine is concerned. - Ben

Rocktober 13, 2:04 PM
So I know things have been ridiculously slow around here lately.  So what else is new, right?  But this time it's not for any lack of sobriety (it's not for any lack of being wasted either), it's actually because I don't have regular access to A: a computer or B: the internet.  And even though those things are for squares, they really are necessary when you've got a magazine that you're putting on the internet.

That said, I'm going to soon have regular access to A: a computer and B: the internet, so expect this trainwreck to start burning and grinding again real soon.

Having a computer again will also mean we can put this sucker in print thanks to a mysterious benefactor or two (and we could always use more) hooking us up with free black and white photocopies.  So soon you'll be able to wipe your ass with Standard iSsue Trainwreck.

But don't worry: with all the glitz and glamour of a black and white, photocopy and staples 'zine, we won't stop updating the website.  Everything in the print version -which will be free so our prime audience (the homeless) can read it (and wipe their ass with it) -and more will appear on the website and in colour.

Onwards and upwards to an ever more powerful Standard iSsue Trainwreck.  Standard iSsue Trainwreck loves the fuck out of all of you. - Ben

Rocktober 5, 8:42 PM
For the first time in forever and two days, there are new articles up.  Three of 'em.  Hit it. - Ben

September 30, 1:52 PM
Alright, I gotta level with you guys.  The reason this magazine hasn't been updated is because I don't have any internet.  Seeing as how this magazine is, itself, actually ON the internet, you can see how this would be troublesome.  But don't worry, this web site is gonna keep on keepin' on; it'll still be here long after I'm dead.  (Another six weeks at LEAST.)

We have brand new articles and interviews and reviews for you, they're just trapped on my ghetto Mac.

Also, thanks to a secret benefactor who is hooking us up with free black and white photocopies, we will be going to print soon.  Exciting, no?  That means our prime audience (the homeless) can read this shit easier.  Those of you working at record shops, skate shops, whatnot, in the area (Ottawa), contact me if it would be possible to leave a few copies on your counter.  Doing so means immediate membership in the Standard Issue Army, the most deadliest street gang on the block. - Ben

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