wHAT tO dO wHEN:
   Finally, some good advice to get you out of those sticky situations. This page is dedicated to all the stupid mistakes you make. It would be best print it off and carry it around with you at all times. Sadly, I only have a couple of these on here so far, but there are more to come.  last updated: Sept. 13/05
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Situation #001:
   You woke up with an unusually itchy ass, and you've been scratching it and picking at it all day. When you finally get home after a day's work, you sit down on your throne. As you pull your pants to you ankles you notice something about your underwear that wasn't there before. There's a nice little blood stain right where you were picking (it's called a red eye). Now, you already know that there's no way you can wash this kind of blood stain out. And you don't want to throw them away because you had them signed by Rikki Martin. So what do you do?

Here's what you do:

   You take off your soiled under-garment and get a red marker. Now here's where you need to get creative. You just create a design on you gotch to cover up the stain (this may prove difficult depending on the size of the stain). And presto! No one will know the difference.

butt01.gif - Before butt02.gif - After
Before | After .
Situation #002:
sneeze.gif    You're on a date (or a booty call or whatever), with a girl in your car. You're off parked in some secluded area (like the local land-fill or something). You two are getting all smoochie-woochie when all of a sudden you feel a monster of a sneeze coming on. So you cover your mouth with your hand and let it buck. Unfourtunately the gust of air is accompanied by a gush of flem. There's junk on you hand and probably some on you chin. There's no Kleenex around and even if there was, it'd probably ruin the 'moment' if you had to fill six tissues with pure snot in the process of whiping your face and hands. So what do you do?

Here's what you do:

   You slide your hand down your face (hoping to remove the majority of mucus). Then sorta duck your head and pull the hood release. Tell the girl that you think your oil leaks so you'd better check it before you get too carried away and forget (if it's pouring rain you might kind of look like a nut). Grab your oil rag and run out to the front of your car. Lift the hood so she can't tell what you're doing. Then try to find a clean spot on your rag and whipe your face and hands. If your rag is too dirty, just use the inside of your shirt. Near the armpits is probably the safest place if you think she'll be puttung her hands up your shirt. Then you might as well check the oil while your there (try not to get any of that stinky junk on your hands). Then shut the hood and get back to where you left off.