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MOVIE ONE
EXT. DESOLATE LANDSCAPE 3058 - NIGHT
The movie begins with a silent view of a desolate landscape.
The ground is littered with human skulls and twisted metal.
The sky is dark from dust and black smoke blocking out the
atmosphere. On the screen it says "3058". The silence is then
broken to the sound of horses galloping. Four winged Horsemen
wearing judge wigs come into view. They all jump up on their
back legs and let out the most horrid war cries ever heard.
HORSEMAN 1
(impatient)
Where did they go?!
HORSEMAN 2
I seen them all heading towards the
river.
HORSEMAN 1
(screams)
Kill them all!
(pauses)
Except for Glenifer. Keep him alive
so that he can watch his friends
die.
(pauses)
And THEN kill him.
We then see a group of five humans wearing old torn clothing
running in the same desolate landscape, but in slow motion.
In the very front of the group is Glenifer. He is a male who
would be best played by somebody who looks like Del The Funky
Homosapian. The movie will be edited so that he talks with a
voice that sounds exactly like Julia Childs.
A Star Trekish / Star Wars type voice does narration as we
watch them run in slow motion.
NARRATION
The year is 3058. The world has
succumb to the Apocalypse and
Horsemen rule.
(pauses)
There may be only one person who
can save humanity, and his name is
Glenifer.
(pauses)
In the year 3052, when the sun was
blocked out and Horsemen descended
to Earth, he tried to lead the
first resistance.
(pauses)
He failed considerably when he was
caught by two Horsemen who crushed
his voice box and left him for
dead.
(pauses)
Now seven years later, he will try
again.
(pauses)
This time with the implanted voice
box of the late Julia Childs.
The slow motion stops as Glenifer and the four other humans
stop running to catch their breath and think of a plan.
GLENIFER
We have to make it to the
underground shelter. The Horsemen
are gaining on us.
HUMAN 2
Just let me catch my breath first.
GLENIFER
Come on let's go. We don't have
time.
HUMAN 3
(looks behind him)
Oh my God, they're coming.
GLENIFER
Run!
They all begin to run again until they come to a stop beside
a river of greenish water. It has garbage lining the shore
with thick algae clinging to everything.
HUMAN 3
Where do we go now?!
HUMAN 1
(confused)
I don't know?
GLENIFER
Do you want to cross the river
here?
HUMAN 2
(weary)
You think we should?
Glenifer dips the tip of his shoe into the water. It seems to
be fine, but they still look unsure whether to cross.
GLENIFER
I don't know, what do you guys
think?
They all look around for an alternative to swimming across
the river, when out of nowhere, Jesus appears. He is standing
on the greenish water of the river holding his arms out to
the side. He is holding his head up high looking towards the
sky with his eyes closed as if in deep peaceful meditation.
He then slowly fades away, and everybody glances at each
other looking like they just witnessed a miracle.
HUMAN 1
It's a sign!
GLENIFER
Let's cross the river!
In a hurry, they all run into the water, splashing, trying to
get to the other side. All of a sudden they begin to scream
in agony.
HUMAN 2
(in extreme pain)
My skin is burning!
GLENIFER
(disturbed)
Oh my God, the water has acid in
it!
Jesus appears again, although this time on the other side of
the river standing safely on shore.
JESUS
My bad yall, I meant for that to be
a sign for you to NOT cross the
river here.
INT. LIVING ROOM 2004 - DAY
A boy who is around eight years old is standing in a living
room as his mother dresses him in winter clothes. He has a
mop top hair cut like The Beatles. His name is Vincent.
His mother's name is Katherin, and she is wearing a huge
crochet sweater with sleeves that almost go past her hands.
She is also wearing extremely tight blue jeans that kind of
look like bell bottoms, but aren't. She always speaks with
absolutely no emotion in her voice at all.
As Katherin continues to dress Vincent in an excess amount of
winter clothes, it says "2004" on the screen.
She finally finishes dressing Vincent by wrapping a huge
scarf around him. She then picks up a glass of wine off the
coffee table and takes a sip.
KATHERIN
Have a good day at school, baby.
Vincent doesn't say a word, he just walks over to the door
and struggles with the door knob because of his huge mittens.
After he finally gets the door open, he is struck by bright
sunlight and birds chirping. It is summer time.
A husky girl in her late teens comes running down the stairs
with her school books. Her name is Jackie Grail.
JACKIE GRAIL
Mom, I need a grad quote for the
yearbook. Today's the deadline.
Katherin puts one hand on her hip and then takes a sip of her
wine before speaking.
KATHERIN
How about, "We're falling into the
abyss. Join the joy ride."
Jackie Grail and Katherin stand there for a moment in silence
facing each other, but focusing their eyes past each other.
They stand kind of disturbed by the quote until Oonis, the
grandmother, yells from the kitchen. She resembles Blanche
Deveraux from the Golden Girls and is always extremely happy
and out to lunch on a lot of life lessons.
OONIS
(yelling from kitchen)
Jackie Grail! Are you gonna have
some breakfast before you head off
to school?
JACKIE GRAIL
(yells)
Yeah, grandma! I'll be right there.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Jackie Grail and Katherin come walking into the kitchen where
Oonis is washing some dishes while humming a song.
OONIS
What would you like me to make you?
JACKIE GRAIL
Don't worry about it, grandma. I'll
just have some cereal.
OONIS
Are you sure?
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah. I'm not even really that
hungry anyway.
Jackie Grail opens the cupboard and we see a cereal box that
says "Sugar Sticks". It has a cartoon picture of a kid
running as fast as he can down a beach that has sugar instead
of sand. He has the look of serious determination / wanting
to start bawling. There are five extremely pissed off kids
with war paint and huge beady eyes running after him with
sharpened sugar sticks.
As Jackie Grail lifts up the cereal box, there is a deep
organ note as a tiny sinister shadow jumps behind a cup. She
doesn't notice it though.
OONIS
So your sister's coming home from
University tomorrow to start
getting ready for her wedding.
JACKIE GRAIL
(sits at table)
Really? God, I haven't seen her for
like a couple months at least.
KATHERIN
(also sits down)
Yeah, I talked to her on the phone
last night. Her and Cory are going
to look at a house they're thinking
of buying. It's not too far from
here.
OONIS
A twenty minute drive from here she
was saying. Not far at all.
(pauses)
Have you seen the invitations for
the wedding yet?
JACKIE GRAIL
No, actually I haven't.
OONIS
I'll get them for you.
Oonis walks over to the kitchen drawer and takes out a
wedding invitation. She lifts her head and looks at it from
underneath her glasses to see if she got the right thing.
OONIS
Yeah, this is it.
(reading the invitation)
You're invited to our wedding in
the Roswell New Mexican Death
Valley.
Oonis passes the invitation to Jackie Grail. We see a black
and white picture of Christine and her fiance Cory in a
Roswell UFO crash wedding theme. Christine is in her wedding
dress kneeling with Cory holding a piece of a weather
balloon. Both of their hands are touching romantically.
OONIS
She's always been big into
conspiracy theory's and aliens.
KATHERIN
She was.
OONIS
This is good for her.
(pauses)
Plus it's an original wedding theme
I think.
JACKIE GRAIL
You know I can't believe she's
getting married.
Jackie Grail passes the wedding invitation to Katherin and
then gets up and walks to the fridge.
OONIS
Me neither. It seems like just
yesterday you girls were running
around asking to help me bake
cookies.
Jackie Grail opens the fridge and pulls out a small bottle of
orange juice. She twists off the cap and takes a sip.
INT. INSIDE CUPBOARD - MORNING
A deep organ note plays as we see a view of Jackie Grail from
inside the cupboard. A gross piano melody of "The Ritz" by
Taco begins to play and the tiny sinister shadow moves past
the camera.
INT - KITCHEN - MORNING
From where Jackie Grail is standing, we hear another deep
organ note play and see a tiny, perverted, skinny man wearing
sweat pants peek out from behind a cup in the cupboard. He
leers at Jackie Grail as he brushes his stringy, Bret Hart
type hair out of his eyes. He is breathing extremely heavy to
the sound of his heart beat and the piano melody of "The
Ritz". He is the Rapist in the Cupboard, and the perfect
person to play the part would be Andy Dick.
RAPIST IN CUPBOARD
(under his breath)
Sweet...
We see Jackie Grail drinking some orange juice when she
catches something out of the corner of her eye. She takes the
orange juice away from her lips and screams.
JACKIE GRAIL
Grandma! The rapist in the cupboard
is leering at me!
Oonis looks up at the cupboard disturbed.
OONIS
What the hell!
Katherin slowly backs away while starring towards the
cupboard in horror.
KATHERIN
My God...
Katherin drops her glass of wine in slow motion. We see it
splatter all over the kitchen floor.
The slow motion stops and the Rapist In The Cupboard runs and
jumps behind another cup.
JACKIE GRAIL
Why don't we just put some poison
in there?
KATHERIN
I honestly think that we're gonna
have to.
Oonis begins to whip a dish towel into the cupboard and the
Rapist In The Cupboard takes off running.
OONIS
(disgusted)
What the hell happened to that nice
little Indian that used to live in
there?
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
A mother is walking away from a school dragging her little
daughter by the arm. She has curly brown hair that is almost
a mullet, a burgundy tucked in t shirt, a gunt, and lots of
jewelry.
MOTHER
I'm pulling you out of school today
so you can audition for a
commercial.
The scene freezes while a woman's voice does narration. An
arrow like on an instant reply of a hockey game points to the
mother's shirt.
NARRATION
Burgundy shirts... When a burgundy
shirt is all you need to pull your
daughter out of school.
The school bell rings while cutting to the next scene.
INT. CLASS ROOM - DAY
A high school class is standing around their desks talking.
Jackie Grail is looking at a magazine and beside her are twin
girls named Molest and Clitney.
JACKIE GRAIL
Hey Clitney. Are we still gonna
skip next period to go to the
movies?
CLITNEY
Yeah, definitely.
(turns to Molest)
Do you want to come with us,
Molest?
MOLEST
Sure. What's playing?
JACKIE GRAIL
Courage of Self is debuting today.
MOLEST
What's that about?
JACKIE GRAIL
(looks at magazine)
"Courage Of Self". A mother of
three discovers her knack for dress
making and gets flown out to unveil
her new designs in New York.
However, she gets more then she
bargained for when a troll corners
her at a park beside the hotel.
CLITNEY
Is it any good?
JACKIE GRAIL
(looks at magazine)
"A triumph of the human spirit"
raves Judy of the Opaskwayak Cree
Nation."
(pauses)
Also, Forgotten Bungalows is
playing.
CLITNEY
What does it say about that?
JACKIE GRAIL
(looks at magazine)
It says...
(pauses)
A native woman must choose between
life on a reservation making
bungalow's, or moving to the city
to sell them.
CLITNEY
We should just go to the cheap
theater. I think Korean Lunch is
playing there.
Jackie Grail and Molest turn to Clitney.
CLITNEY
After returning home from Korea, a
young soldier discovers that the
war isn't over, and that he wasn't
supposed to leave camp.
A black teacher walks into the class carrying a brief case.
He doesn't look at the class, he just walks right up to the
chalk board and writes "Black History".
TEACHER
Everyone be quite and pass your
homework to the person behind you.
(pauses)
We're going to correct it.
Everybody passes a piece of paper to the person behind them.
The people sitting at the very back of the class walk up to
give their paper to the people sitting in the front.
TEACHER
Alright. The first question. In the
18th century, who was the--
KID
(interrupts)
What do we do if the person didn't
answer any of the questions?
KID IN FRONT OF HIM
(under his breath)
Shut up.
KID
(satisfied)
Well...
Everybody turns around and looks at the kid who didn't answer
any of the questions.
TEACHER
(impatient)
You know what, just open your black
history books.
(pauses)
Turn to page eighty seven.
The camera focuses on two white kids sitting at the back of
the class with shaved heads and tight, faded black jeans.
Their names are Stock and Kwon. They are both glaring at the
teacher while slouching in their seats.
STOCK
(slowly enunciating every
word)
Blacks ain't shit but flavor having
talented all-stars.
Everybody turns around, not offended, but more like they
think he's not finished talking yet. There is an awkward
silence for a moment as Stock and Kwon continue to glare at
the teacher.
TEACHER
(confused)
Uh...
(pauses)
Thanks?
Stock and Kwon get up and walk towards the door while still
glaring at the teacher. Kwon fakes out a punch at him though
he is on the other side of the room and would never be able
to connect with it even if he wanted to. They walk out and
slam the door. The class remains in silence for a moment
before the teacher speaks again.
TEACHER
So what's the story with those two?
I can never tell if they're being
racist or not.
MOLEST
They're just out to lunch.
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah, up until grade ten they were
under the impression that the Black
Panthers were a sketch comedy group
who made fun of the Pink Panther
show.
Everybody in the class room breaks out into laughter except
for the teacher.
TEACHER
(screams)
Alright, that's enough!
INT. PRISON CELL - DAY
Focused on a prison cell through the bars, there is a guy
sitting on the bottom bunk wearing an acid wash jean jacket
and tight acid wash jeans. He also has blonde hair slicked
back into a pony tail. His name is Ramone. He is flipping
through a book entitled "Acid Wash For Dummies" when all of a
sudden there is an electrical disturbance. Glenifer appears
out of nowhere kneeling in the middle of the cell in his
dirty war torn clothing. Ramone's jaw drops as Glenifer
slowly stands up, looks around, then walks over to the cell
bars and holds onto them.
GLENIFER
I must have ripped the fabric of
time in a position where there used
to be a prison...
Glenifer scans the cell not even noticing, or seemingly
caring that Ramone is sitting there in shock that he just
appeared out of nowhere.
GLENIFER
(under his breath)
I've gotta get out of here.
RAMONE
Where did you come from?
Glenifer turns to Ramone dead serious.
GLENIFER
What year is it?
RAMONE
What YEAR is it?
Glenifer remains looking at Ramone dead serious and doesn't
reply, so Ramone just answers his question.
RAMONE
It's 2004.
Glenifer steps away in a daze.
GLENIFER
Damn. It actually worked.
(under his breath)
It actually worked.
RAMONE
Are you from the future or
something?
GLENIFER
Yeah.
(pauses)
And I guess I'm gonna have to
change my 31st century clothes if
I'm gonna try fit in around here.
Do you have any that I could
borrow?
RAMONE
(mind blown)
You're telling me that you're from
the 31st century?
GLENIFER
3058 to be exact.
RAMONE
Really?
GLENIFER
Believe me it's real.
(pauses)
I can't believe it worked though.
Damn.
RAMONE
Well, I guess I could lend you some
clothes I guess.
GLENIFER
Thanks.
Ramone picks up some jeans and a white t shirt and tosses it
to Glenifer.
GLENIFER
Man, I gotta get out of this place.
You have no idea the importance of
it.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jackie Grail's grandmother, Oonis, is sitting in the middle
of the living room floor with her legs crossed. Her eyes are
closed while meditating to a nature CD that is playing from a
CD player on the floor beside her. She is slowly breathing in
and out completely relaxed.
The nature CD has the sounds of song birds singing and
chirping in a forest. There is also the slight sound of water
washing up against a shore. Everything is peaceful.
OONIS
(breathes in)
Inhale space...
(breathes out)
And exhale time.
Oonis remains sitting relaxed for a moment until all of a
sudden we hear the birds on the nature CD fly away. We then
hear the sound of footsteps crashing through the forest,
running. It is a woman screaming and trying to catch her
breath as she sounds to be running for her life. We then hear
in the background, a man's voice yell "Get back here bitch!"
Oonis, disturbed, opens her eyes and covers her mouth.
OONIS
Oh my God...
The woman on the nature CD lets out the most horrific scream
ever, and just as she does, Oonis quickly shuts the CD player
off.
Oonis sit's there for a moment trying to gather herself while
starring at the CD player in shock until the phone rings. She
quickly gets up to answer it.
OONIS
Hold on, hold on...
(answers phone)
Hello?
INT. DORM ROOM - DAY
Christine is sitting at her computer talking on a cell phone
while painting her toe nails. She is rather tall and slim,
and looks like the type who would volunteer her time to help
set up chairs for the Juno Awards.
CHRISTINE
Hi Grandma, it's Christine.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
OONIS
Oh Christine. How are you?
INT. DORM ROOM - DAY
CHRISTINE
I'm fine. I just called to tell you
that I'm coming home tonight
instead of tomorrow. I'm going to
hand in my final thesis early.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
OONIS
Oh that's wonderful. So we can
expect you tonight then?
INT. DORM ROOM - DAY
CHRISTINE
Yeah.
(glances at clock)
Tonight around nine o'clock
probably.
(pauses)
Alright.
(pauses)
Love you too. Bye.
Christine sets down her cell phone on her computer desk, puts
the cap on her toe nail polish, and then glances towards the
television. She picks up the remote and turns the volume up.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
(on television)
On the television there is a woman who resembles Edie
McClurg. The woman who lived next door on The Hogan Family
sitcom. Her name is Beatrice and she is sitting under a
bright light in an interrogation room talking to a female
reporter whom we can't see.
BEATRICE
(in British accent)
Why would so many children lie?
(pauses)
Why would they lie?
REPORTER
I don't know. Why don't you tell
me?
INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY
(on television)
We see an unsteady home video of Beatrice talking to a
classroom full of children.
BEATRICE
(in Texas accent)
Yall better lie when they question
you!
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
(on television)
BEATRICE (CLOSE UP)
(in British accent)
Why would the children lie?
INT. DORM ROOM - DAY
Christine looks away from the television and looks at her
computer screen. She puts the end of a pen in her mouth and
thinks for a moment.
CHRISTINE
(smirks)
Christine, you did it again.
Christine prints off the thesis, stands up, and scans the
first page that printed.
INT. UNIVERSITY LIBRARY - DAY
Christine walks into the University library wearing a
backpack. She waits to talk to the female librarian who is
sitting at her desk with her hair tied up in a bun. There is
a girl in front of Christine.
GIRL
Excuse me, do you know where I can
find the books on gay marriage?
LIBRARIAN
(extremely nice)
They're under Fiction.
GIRL
Thanks.
The girl walks away and Christine steps up to talk to the
librarian.
LIBRARIAN
Can I help you find something?
CHRISTINE
I'm here to see Mrs. Sherone. Have
you seen her?
LIBRARIAN
Oh, she's in her office. Just knock
on the door.
CHRISTINE
Alright, thanks.
Christine walks over to an office door that is behind the
librarian's desk and knocks.
MRS. SHERONE
(from behind door)
Come in.
Christine walks into the office where Mrs. Sherone is sitting
at her desk eating an apple while grading papers. She looks
like Clair Huxtable from the Cosby Show.
MRS. SHERONE
Oh, Christine.
(pauses)
I expect you have a thesis for me
today.
CHRISTINE
I do.
Christine reaches in her backpack to take out her thesis and
hand it to Mrs. Sherone.
CHRISTINE
I got it right here.
(pauses)
I pulled an all nighter.
(pauses)
I'm certain that you'll be pleased
with it.
Mrs. Sherone doesn't say anything. She just takes out her
reading glasses from her front shirt pocket, puts them on,
and scans the first couple pages of Christine's thesis in a
long awkward silence.
MRS. SHERONE
(kind of frustrated)
What exactly is this about,
Christine?
There is a slight pause before Christine speaks.
CHRISTINE
It's about putting one's self into
a controlled comma and only waking
up on Christmas mornings.
Mrs. Sherone doesn't look up from the thesis, nor say a word,
and Christine waits a moment before speaking again.
CHRISTINE
Well, I guess I should be on my way
then.
Christine slowly backs up and quietly closes the door behind
her. She stands there for a moment and then leans up against
the door while exhaling. The pressure of her thesis is
finally over and she closes her eyes for a second. Mrs.
Sherone then opens the door and looks at Christine over the
top of her glasses.
MRS. SHERONE
(sternly)
Christine, I'd appreciate it if you
didn't lean up against my door like
that when you leave.
Christine takes a step back from Mrs. Sherone while putting
her backpack on.
CHRISTINE
Sorry.
MRS. SHERONE
Grades will be posted two weeks
from now.
Mrs. Sherone quickly walks back into her office and closes
the door without saying another word.
EXT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
Outside of a movie theater it says "National Lampoons
Marathon - Playing All Day" in big letters above the doors. A
kid comes walking out and gags ultra loud before kneeling
down to clutch his stomach.
INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY
Jackie Grail, Clitney, and Molest are sitting in the back of
the theater eating popcorn. The movie hasn't started yet and
there are a bunch of other kids horsing around by them. Most
noticeable is a black kid wearing an unfitted hat. His name
is MC Amber Alert and he is freestyling with his friends.
There is another black kid named Daren, who is battling MC
Amber Alert. We begin the scene with Daren in the middle of
his rap.
DAREN
(rapping)
Because I'll leave you light
skinned like Denise Huxtable when I
flow.
Or white with braids and barely any
black like Benzino.
You can't step to me, yo.
EVERYBODY
OHHHHHH!!!!!
MC AMBER ALERT
Okay, look,
(rapping)
You can't recite my lyrics because
they'll collapse your lungs.
You remind me of David Kungs, a
nobody, because I just made that
name up, on the spot.
And I got that flow that don't stop
This is freestyle, no writtens.
And yall couldn't step to me like
neutered kittens.
Or make moves with the Nintendo
power glove.
Because steppin' to MC Amber Alert
yall gets NO love.
DAREN
(interrupts)
Wait a minute, you call yourself
Amber Alert?
MC AMBER ALERT
Yeah. Why?
DAREN
That's a girl's name
MC AMBER ALERT
It's not even.
(pauses)
Haven't you heard of the Amber
Alert system? It goes off during a
kidnapping.
There is a momentary silence.
MC AMBER ALERT
There's nothing feminine about it.
CLITNEY
You guys, the coming attractions
are starting.
The lights dim down and everybody goes quiet as they look up
at the theater screen.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
(on theater screen)
Cypress Hill and Method Man are sitting in a living room
smoking.
NARRATION
Coming this fall...
(pauses)
"Red Diary".
(pauses)
Robert, played by Redman of How
High, is so bent on keeping his
diary from being read, no matter
WHO tries sneaking into his room to
read it.
(pauses)
From, the critically acclaimed
director of "Divine Secrets of the
Ill Na Na."
Redman comes walking out of his room and locks the door
behind him.
REDMAN
I'm going out to the club, and yall
BETTER not try read my diary.
Redman walks out of the apartment while Cypress Hill and
Method Man glance at each other suspiciously. B Real then
passes a joint to Method Man.
METHOD MAN
(while exhaling smoke)
I'ma see what he's writing in that
shit.
B REAL
Word.
EXT. DESERT - DAY
(on theater screen)
The sun is beating down on a tour group that is about to rent
camels from a merchant wearing a turban.
NARRATION
"Sands Of Hope".
(pauses)
A Pastor must decide to stay with
his church, or follow his brother
into the heart of Egypt to find his
sister in law who went missing
during a tour after accepting a
sick camel.
MERCHANT
This camel is sick, so I'll put her
down to half price.
WOMAN
(steps up greedily)
I'll TAKE it!
INT. PRISON MESS HALL - DAY
Glenifer and Ramone are standing waiting to get their food in
the crowded prison mess hall. They remain silent for a moment
while slowly moving to the front of the line.
The other prisoners are watching a television that is mounted
on the wall. A hockey game for the Stanley Cup is on.
RAMONE
Man, I know that it's the Stanley
Cup and all, but I wish the cooks
would hurry up. I am SO hungry.
GLENIFER
Tell me about it. I feel like I
haven't eaten in weeks.
(pauses)
It must be a side effect of time
traveling.
RAMONE
Maybe.
(pauses)
So have you found a way to get out
of here yet?
GLENIFER
No, but humanity better pray that I
do.
RAMONE
Didn't you fail considerably the
first time anyway?
Neither of them talk for a moment. It isn't an awkward
silence though, just waiting for their food patiently.
RAMONE
These Horsemen that you've been
talking about...
(pauses)
When are they supposed to rule?
GLENIFER
It's hard to say. They've learned
the timeless art of clock tease.
RAMONE
Clock tease?
GLENIFER
It basically means that you'll
never know what time they'll show
up.
Glenifer and Ramone glance up at the television.
INT. HOCKEY ARENA - DAY
(on television)
A hockey player is skating as fast as he can down a rink with
the puck.
NARRATION
(extremely excited)
This is for the Stanley Cup!
The hockey player approaches the net and the goal tender is
off to the side drinking from a water bottle. Out of the
corner of the goal tenders eye, he see's the hockey player
coming. He drops his water bottle and sloppily grabs his
stick rushing back to the net although too late.
GOAL TENDER
Wait!
The hockey player scores and everybody on his team holds up
their sticks to celebrate.
HOCKEY PLAYER
(screaming)
Yeah! What you know about that!?
(looks at camera)
Huh?!?
The hockey player does a pumpernickel and skates off.
INT. PRISON MESS HALL - DAY
Everybody in the mess hall begins to cheer and holler. The
camera takes various shots of everyone looking extremely
happy and giving each other high five's. Glenifer however,
looks awkward as if he doesn't know what the big deal is.
It's only a game in his eyes which have seen the Apocalypse.
RAMONE
(surprised)
Man, they actually won.
INT. HOCKEY ARENA - DAY
(on television)
The hockey player who made the winning goal holds up the
Stanley Cup as high as he can while screaming.
HOCKEY PLAYER
We did it!!
The hockey player loses his balance and slips backwards on
the ice. He slams the Stanley Cup down behind his head
disgustingly hard and loud. The result is a huge dent which
is left in the Stanley Cup. Everybody goes completely silent
and stares at it awkwardly as the hockey player rolls over to
get up off the ice. It is so quiet that we can hear the
swishing of his pants and the scraping of the ice from his
skates.
HOCKEY PLAYER
(in pain)
Oh shit...
INT. PRISON MESS HALL - DAY
GLENIFER
So that's how it got the dent. In
the future we have no record of
hockey before 3052.
RAMONE
Really?
GLENIFER
Yeah, mostly everything was wiped
out when the Horsemen descended to
Earth.
RAMONE
It's sad to think that we have no
hope for the future.
GLENIFER
It's that type of thinking that
gives us no hope.
(pauses)
Remember that.
RAMONE
That's true I guess.
GLENIFER
People don't realize what they
really have, or had, until they're
living in an underground shelter
with talking horses running around
outside wearing judge wigs.
RAMONE
(disgusted)
Gross. Those judge wigs were freaky
enough on humans.
(pauses)
I can't even imagine.
GLENIFER
It was Hell.
The cook behind the counter gives them each a cheese burger.
They put them on their trays and then try maneuver through
the thick crowd.
GLENIFER
I'll meet you at the table alright?
RAMONE
Okay.
Ramone gets stuck behind three other prisoners and has to try
maneuvering past them. He trips on one of their feet and in
slow motion falls head first into a guy's back.
We hear the loud snap of his neck breaking and he falls to
the floor dead.
Glenifer turns around, also in slow motion, looking disturbed
and in shock.
GLENIFER
(screams)
Ramone!!!
PRISONER 1
Damn.
The slow motion stops and everybody in the mess hall goes
completely silent.
PRISONER 2
What happened?
PRISONER 1
He was trying to keep his burger
from falling on the floor.
Glenifer runs up to Ramone and kneels down beside him to
check if he has a pulse, which he doesn't.
GLENIFER
Ramone?
Glenifer stands up in a daze.
GLENIFER
He's dead.
As the scene fades out, we hear Prisoner 1 say;
PRISONER 1
Somebody call an ambulance or
something.
EXT. PRISON YARD - DAY
Glenifer is standing beside an ambulance that is parked in
the prison yard. He is looking around nonchalantly, but
suspicious. He then quickly jumps into the back of it just
before Ramone gets wheeled into view on a stretcher by two
paramedics. They are in the middle of a conversation.
PARAMEDIC 1
But yeah, he came running in
wearing a black ski mask and a
machine gun. Real gangster style.
Like straight out of a movie or
something.
PARAMEDIC 2
That's unreal.
PARAMEDIC 1
I know, so after I had him hooked
up to a respirator and all that, I
said to him... Man, you're lucky
that the police didn't kill you
with all those bullets.
(pauses)
And that the Publishers Clearing
House check he shot the place up
for was just a huge piece of
cardboard anyway.
PARAMEDIC 2
Damn.
The paramedics finish pushing Ramone's stretcher into the
back of the ambulance and then shut the doors.
PARAMEDIC 1
I'll drive this time.
PARAMEDIC 2
Alright.
EXT. UNIVERSITY - DAY
Cory, Christine's fiance, is sitting inside his car outside
the University listening to the song called "Turn It Up" on
Masta Ace's "Sittin' On Chrome" CD.
He is wearing sunglasses and leaning his left arm on the
rolled down window. He is tapping his fingers to the beat and
slightly nodding his head when he notices some girls standing
close to his car smiling at him. He smirks and then turns the
music up louder.
He glances over at them again and smiles while nodding his
head even harder. The girls continue to smile at him for a
moment until one of them points at his car. The girls smile
even bigger, then walk away laughing.
Cory looks confused wondering what they were pointing at so
he sticks his head out of the window to see bird shit on his
car. He looks disgusted and embarrassed as he turns the music
completely off.
Christine then gets in the passenger door.
CHRISTINE
Are you ready to go?
CORY
Yeah.
CHRISTINE
Before we go to my mother's place,
remember we have to stop at that
house that's for sale and take a
look at it.
CORY
I remember.
CHRISTINE
I'm so excited to see it. It's our
dream home.
CORY
Do we have time? Your Uncle Shrine
is throwing a bachelor party for me
tonight.
CHRISTINE
Oh that's right.
(pauses)
We'll have time.
CORY
Do you got the directions?
CHRISTINE
(pulls out a map)
Yeah, right here.
Just take the first exit into the
suburbs and it should be quite easy
to find from there I would think.
CORY
Alright. I just need to stop at the
car wash first.
CHRISTINE
(looking at map)
Okay.
Cory starts the car and they drive away.
INT. VINCENT'S ROOM - DAY
Vincent has no socks on while sitting in a chair with his
legs up on the bed. His friends Herman and Brad are sitting
on the floor looking extremely bored. Both Herman and Brad
have mushroom hair cuts (like somebody put bowls on their
heads and cut around them).
HERMAN
(pats his hair)
Vincent, you should get a mushroom
cut like us.
VINCENT
I'm going to.
HERMAN
Sweet.
BRAD
So like what do you guy's want to
do?
(pauses)
I'm bored.
HERMAN
Me too.
VINCENT
I don't know, whatever.
Brad does a double take at Vincent's feet.
BRAD
Ugh, you got a sixth toe?
VINCENT
(looks at foot)
What?! Ugh.
(pauses)
I guess I just assumed that I had
five.
BRAD
That's crazy.
Vincent's mother, Katherin, walks into the room sipping on a
glass of wine.
KATHERIN
Vincent, I'm going to the grocery
store with grandma. I'll be back in
a bit. Are you guys going to be
alright by yourself?
VINCENT
Yeah, we'll be fine.
KATHERIN
We won't be long. There's chips in
the cupboard if you want.
VINCENT
Okay.
Katherin walks out of the room and Vincent, Herman, and Brad
sit in silence until they hear the front door of the house
shut. They then look at each other.
HERMAN
Is she gone?
VINCENT
I think so.
HERMAN
Put in that porn video.
BRAD
Yeah, hurry up before she gets
back.
VINCENT
Alright.
Vincent grabs a VHS tape from under his bed and puts it into
the VCR. Porn music begins to play and they all stare at the
television.
BRAD
That's your mom, Herman.
HERMAN
No way, that's yours.
VINCENT
(points at t.v)
THAT'S Herman's mom.
HERMAN
No way, man.
The camera stays focused on their faces as they laugh for a
moment when all of a sudden they all look like they want to
puke. There is an awkward silence for a moment before Herman
speaks.
HERMAN
(dead serious)
Ugh Vincent.
(pauses)
Is that your mom?
The camera pans over to the television and Katherin is
clearly on the porn video.
INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY
In a grocery store, Oonis is pushing a grocery cart and
Katherin is walking beside her looking at a list of things
they need to get.
OONIS
I was thinking about cooking fish
for supper tonight.
(pauses)
I'm pretty sure that salmon is on
sale this week.
KATHERIN
We should get some then.
OONIS
I actually got a very good recipe
for fish from a women that's in my
quilting club.
KATHERIN
You should cook some for the
wedding.
OONIS
That's actually an excellent idea.
(pauses)
I should.
KATHERIN
What else do we need?
OONIS
(looks down shampoo isle)
I think I need some shampoo.
KATHERIN
Oh, so do I.
Oonis pushes the grocery cart into the shampoo isle as
Katherin follows behind her. They stop and start looking at
the backs of the shampoo bottles trying to find the perfect
one that fits their hair needs.
OONIS
(reading back of bottle)
Specially blended with essential
vitamins.
(pauses)
With conditioner.
(pauses)
Herbal extract.
KATHERIN
That sounds like a good one. You
should try it.
OONIS
I just might.
There is the sound of a squeaky grocery cart being pushed
past them and they both turn around to see that it is a bald
woman. The bald woman looks pissed off that she doesn't have
any hair and is glaring at Oonis and Katherin. They make
awkward eye contact with her until she pushes her squeaky
cart around the corner and out of sight, which she does
extremely slow.
EXT. HOUSE YARD - DAY
Christine and Cory are parked beside a house that has a for
sale sign in the yard. There is a woman wearing a business
suit standing by the front door holding a clip board. Her
name is Connie, and her hair is styled in a way that
resembles a tree stump.
CHRISTINE
I can't believe it Cory. We're
gonna be married and have our own
house together.
CORY
We're just checking it out. We
don't know how much they want for
this place yet.
CHRISTINE
This is a dream home. You can't put
a price on it.
Christine and Cory begin walking up to the front door. Connie
looks up from her clip board to greet them.
CONNIE
Hi, you're here to see the house?
CHRISTINE
Yeah, that's us.
CONNIE
Great, well my name is Connie.
(pauses)
It's nice to meet you.
CHRISTINE
Hi. I'm Christine, and this is my
fiance Cory.
CORY
Hello.
CONNIE
(pleased)
Oh, newly weds.
(pauses)
Well, come on in and I'll show you
around.
CHRISTINE
We can't wait to see the inside.
CONNIE
Oh you'll love it.
(pauses)
It's a three bedroom house. It has
two bathrooms, and a kitchen that's
recently been re-done.
CHRISTINE
Sounds great.
INT. HOUSE - DAY
Connie walks into the living room that has wood panelling.
Christine and Cory follow behind her.
CONNIE
This is a great house for newly
weds.
CHRISTINE
(runs hand against wall)
I absolutely love the wood
panelling.
(looks at Cory)
Don't you?
CORY
Yeah it's nice.
CONNIE
Oh if only these walls could talk.
(pauses)
Anyway, I'll go outside and let you
two look around for a while.
CHRISTINE
Alright, thanks.
CONNIE
If you need anything just let me
know.
CORY
We will.
Connie walks out of the room while Christine and Cory admire
the room. All of a sudden the walls begin to talk.
EAST WALL
We CAN talk you know.
CHRISTINE
(covers mouth)
Oh my God.
CORY
(completely off guard)
What the...
WEST WALL
You would NOT believe the type of
stuff that Connie chick is into.
(pauses)
You wouldn't.
CORY
What do you mean?
WEST WALL
Should we tell them?
EAST WALL
Yeah.
CHRISTINE
(weary)
Tell us what?
WEST WALL
Okay well first of all, she ain't
shit. And before her face lift,
people said she looked like a white
50 Cent.
Christine and Cory look at each other not knowing what to
think.
EAST WALL
They used to call her 50 Tent,
because she was straight up boy
scout.
WEST WALL
It's true. She looks exactly like a
little boy when she isn't wearing
make up.
(pauses)
And if you were to see her walking
away you'd swear she just delivered
the paper.
Christine and Cory start laughing and then Connie then comes
walking in played by a little boy that looks exactly like
her.
CONNIE
Oh my God, what's going on in here?
WEST WALL
Wouldn't YOU like to know, stump
head.
INT. JACKIE GRAIL'S YARD - DAY
Jackie Grail is walking down the sidewalk holding her school
books. She is just about at her house when she sees her Aunty
and Uncle pull up in her front yard in a light blue mini van.
The Aunty is wearing a beige casual business suit. Her name
is Karen, and she would be best played by somebody like the
mother on 7th Heaven.
The Uncle would be best played by Ice T to make them an odd
couple. His name is Shrine, and he is wearing black jeans, a
black t-shirt, and a black LA Raiders hat.
JACKIE GRAIL
(yells)
Hi Aunty Karen!
AUNTY KAREN
(getting out of car)
Hi Jackie! How are you?
JACKIE GRAIL
I'm good, and you?
AUNTY KAREN
Great. How was school?
JACKIE GRAIL
It was alright.
AUNTY KAREN
(looks at Shrine)
Could you get that wedding book
from the back seat, honey?
(pauses)
Thanks.
SHRINE
Aight.
Jackie Grail walks right up to Aunty Karen and Shrine.
AUNTY KAREN
So, are you excited to be
graduating this year?
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah, finally.
(looks at Shrine)
Hey Uncle.
SHRINE
What up.
AUNTY KAREN
We're here to help your mom and
grandma put the final touches on
Christine's wedding plans.
JACKIE GRAIL
Oh yeah, they told me you were
gonna stop by today.
AUNTY KAREN
So Christine is coming home tonight
instead of tomorrow your grandma
said.
(pauses)
That's exciting.
JACKIE GRAIL
(surprised)
Oh really?
They all walk up to the front door where they are greeted by
Oonis who is wearing oven mitts and an apron.
OONIS
(excited)
Come in, come in.
AUNTY KAREN
Hi mom.
OONIS
I have tea and sandwiches made.
Just help yourself.
SHRINE
Now that's what I'M talking about.
I'm starving out this piece.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Katherin is washing the dishes while Aunty Karen and Shrine
are sitting at the table looking at the wedding planning
book. Aunty Karen is drinking coffee, and Shrine is drinking
a 40 ounce beer.
AUNTY KAREN
Oh I really like this wedding cake.
Don't you, dear?
SHRINE
It's aight.
AUNTY KAREN
So Katherin, you want to come
antique shopping with me tomorrow
morning?
KATHERIN
Sure.
AUNTY KAREN
I got a bunch of antique salt and
pepper shakers last week.
(pauses)
They're supposed to be worth a lot
of money to the right collector.
KATHERIN
Really?
AUNTY KAREN
Yeah. I put them on the mantel next
to Shrine's Spike Lee movies.
KATHERIN
What place did you go to?
AUNTY KAREN
The same place me and you took mom
that one time.
Vincent comes walking into the kitchen, opens the fridge, and
pours himself a glass of Kool-Aid.
KATHERIN
So what time do you want to go?
AUNTY KAREN
How about ten o'clock or so?
KATHERIN
That sounds good.
AUNTY KAREN
We'll make a day out of it.
Vincent takes a sip of Kool-Aid and gets a purple mustache.
Shrine gets up and goes to the washroom, but Aunty Karen
doesn't notice him leave because she is so deeply immersed in
the wedding planning book.
Outside, a dog starts barking.
KATHERIN
Vincent, what's that dog barking at
now?
Vincent walks over to the window and tries to see.
VINCENT
I can't see.
(pauses)
Probably just the neighbour's cat.
KATHERIN
That damn dog.
Vincent puts down his Kool-Aid and walks up behind his Aunty
Karen and glances at the wedding planning book. He then
casually begins massaging her shoulders.
AUNTY KAREN
(relaxed)
Ah, that feels so good...
KATHERIN
(still washing dishes)
So yeah, just come by tomorrow
morning then. I'm up at seven
o'clock.
AUNTY KAREN
(even more relaxed)
Sounds good...
Just then, we hear a toilet flush and Shrine comes walking
out of the bathroom. Aunty Karen looks at him with the most
disturbed facial expression ever.
AUNTY KAREN
(starring at Shrine)
Wait a minute.
(pauses)
If you've been in the bathroom...
SHRINE
(confused)
What are you talking about?
AUNTY KAREN
(disturbed)
Then who is...
Aunty Karen slowly turns her head with a facial expression
that looks like she's expecting to see a ghost.
AUNTY KAREN
(shocked and disturbed)
Vincent!! What the hell?!
Katherin turns around and looks like she's almost going to
keel over and die.
KATHERIN
Vincent!!!
VINCENT
(confused)
What?
KATHERIN
(screaming)
You don't massage your Aunty for
God's sake!
VINCENT
(defensive)
She looked tense...
KAREN
(putting on her jacket)
I think we should go, Shrine.
KATHERIN
(glares at Vincent)
Karen, I don't blame you.
Aunty Karen gags ultra loud as she walks towards the door
with Shrine. They leave and we hear the door shut just as
Oonis comes walking into the kitchen concerned with a small
mouth.
OONIS
What's going on?
(pauses)
Why did Karen and Shrine leave
already?
KATHERIN
(glares at Vincent)
She's sick.
OONIS
(sympathetic)
Oh.
(pauses)
I hope she feels better.
Jackie Grail comes walking into the kitchen as Oonis sits
down at the table.
Vincent walks out of the room with his glass of Kool Aid.
JACKIE GRAIL
When's supper?
KATHERIN
It should be ready soon.
OONIS
So Jackie Grail. What do you have
planned for tonight?
JACKIE GRAIL
Not too much. One of my friends is
having a party out at the beach.
(pauses)
I'll probably go over there and
check it out.
OONIS
(reminiscing)
Oh to be young again.
(pauses)
I remember smooching on the beach.
Oonis glances out the window with a smile on her face as she
goes into a flashback.
EXT. BEACH 1944 - DAY
(in black and white)
Oonis is a young woman and is sitting on the beach kissing a
boy. She is wearing an old fashioned dress.
BOY
You are so beautiful.
Oonis smiles and then all of a sudden they hear a ship horn
and look towards the ocean concerned.
We see the horizon covered with battle ships and soldiers
running up to the beach through the water holding guns.
We then see Oonis and her boyfriend's faces looking scared.
They get up and run as fast as they can. As they do, they run
past a sign that says "Beach Of Normandy".
We then hear loud gun fire and soldiers screaming. One
soldier falls to his knees screaming;
SOLDIER
Ahhhhh! It's bloody murder!! It's
bloody murder!!!!
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Oonis remains glancing out the window with a serious face.
She is still reminiscing in her mind while the solder's voice
screaming bloody murder is fading away in an echo. Jackie
Grail and Katherin look at each other not really knowing what
to think of the story she just told.
INT. STOCK'S HOUSE - DAY
Stock and Kwon are standing in a kitchen eating some chips
that are in a bowl on the counter.
STOCK
So do you want to go check out that
party tonight or what?
KWON
We might as well.
STOCK
I should ask my dad if we can
borrow his truck to get out there.
(pauses)
I'm low on gas.
KWON
Okay, sweet.
STOCK
He's downstairs.
(pauses)
I have to warn you though. He
doesn't share the same belief's as
me and you do.
KWON
Oh really?
STOCK
Yeah. So just watch what you say
around him.
KWON
Alright.
INT. STOCK'S BASEMENT - DAY
In a dim lighted basement, Stock's dad, a Wizard, is making a
spell in a huge steaming caldron. He is wearing a long black
robe and is holding a magic wand. We see Stock and Kwon come
walking down the stairs directly behind him.
WIZARD
(stirring caldron)
...And with a dash of niggER toe,
I'll cast a spell that will end ALL
racism.
STOCK
Hey dad, are you busy?
WIZARD
No, I'm almost done down here.
(pauses)
I'm just working on my new spell
book.
STOCK
This is my friend Kwon from school.
WIZARD
Hello.
KWON
Hey.
STOCK
We're about to go to a party and--
Stock stops talking as he notices that the Wizard isn't
paying attention to what he's saying anyway. The Wizard has
his eyes closed and his magic wand extended towards Kwon. His
caldron begins to bubble and then thick smoke emanates from
it. Stock and Kwon glance at each other wondering what is
going on.
WIZARD
(opens eyes)
Kwon, I see that you will be a
millionaire by the time you're
seventeen.
KWON
(surprised)
Seriously?
WIZARD
Dead serious.
(pauses)
The caldron never lies.
STOCK
(looks at Kwon)
That's awesome.
KWON
I know, that's sweet.
Stock and Kwon give each other a low five as the Wizard looks
into the caldron.
INT. INSIDE CALDRON WATER - DAY
In the reflection of the caldron water which only the Wizard
is looking at, Kwon is skating down a hockey rink as fast as
he can with the puck. He is wearing a Melville Millionaires
hockey jersey from the hockey team in Melville Saskatchewan,
Canada.
HOCKEY ANNOUNCER
(shouting)
Nice break away for Kwon of the
Melville Millionaires!!!
After hearing the hockey announcer, Kwon comes to a complete
stop. He looks down at his jersey and then looks up with a
disturbed facial expression.
INT. STOCK'S BASEMENT - DAY
The Wizard looks up from the caldron and turns to Stock and
Kwon. Kwon still looks extremely happy since he found out
that he's going to be a millionaire.
STOCK
So dad, do you think we could
borrow your truck tonight so we can
get out to that beach party?
WIZARD
Sure. If you promise to cut the
grass tomorrow.
STOCK
Fair enough.
WIZARD
Alright then. The keys are on the
coffee table in the living room.
STOCK
Sweet. Thanks.
Stock and Kwon give each other a low five and begin to walk
back up the stairs.
EXT. STREET - EVENING
Jackie Grail is driving in a truck with Molest and Clitney.
The song "Love Is A Fire" by Genya Ravan starts to play
beginning at the 33 second mark. They are nodding their heads
to the beat and Molest has her hand hanging out the window
letting it ride the air.
Clitney turns down the music.
CLITNEY
We should stop by the bar for a bit
before we go to that party.
JACKIE GRAIL
Alright.
MOLEST
Yeah I don't wanna show up there
too early.
JACKIE GRAIL
Me neither.
There is a momentary silence.
CLITNEY
Hey who's that walking over there?
MOLEST
Where?
Clitney points off to the side of the road and we see
Glenifer walking down the sidewalk.
MOLEST
I'm not sure. You should pull over
and see if he needs a ride.
Jackie Grail pulls over and slowly drives along side
Glenifer. They are beside a baseball field that is having a
little league game.
MOLEST
Do you need a ride downtown?
GLENIFER
Sure. If that's alright.
MOLEST
We're going that way anyway.
GLENIFER
Okay then.
MOLEST
Just jump in the back.
GLENIFER
Thanks.
MOLEST
No problem.
Glenifer jumps into the back of the truck and they pull out
into traffic and drive away.
We then zoom in on the little league game. One of the kids
hits the ball and we hear the loud clang of the aluminum bat.
He begins to run for first base and all the parents and kids
cheer. The kid slides into first, gets up, and has the
biggest smile on his face.
UMPIRE
Safe!!
COACH
(clapping)
Way to hustle!!
All of a sudden, tires screech and the kids and parents turn
around to see Stock and Kwon driving past the baseball field.
Stock is driving, and Kwon sticks his head out the window to
yell.
KWON
Cunts and Jews!!!!
The kids stand completely disturbed while watching Stock and
Kwon speed away.
INT. SHRINE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Cory is sitting on a couch in Shrine's living room with a
bunch of guys standing around him drinking and giving each
other high fives. It is a nice living room decorated by Aunty
Karen with flower vases and pink wallpaper. There is a huge
picture above the fire place with Shrine dressed like a pimp
sitting on a throne and Aunty Karen standing beside him in
her beige casual business suit.
CORY
It's cool of Shrine to throw this
bachelor party for me and all.
GUY 1
Tell me about it. He definitely
knows how to throw one too.
Shrine comes walking in from the kitchen holding two 40 ounce
beer bottles.
EVERYBODY
(chanting)
Shrine! Shrine! Shrine! Shrine!
Shrine! Shrine! Shrine! Shrine!
SHRINE
Settle down yall. This is Cory's
party tonight.
(gives Cory a 40 ounce)
Drink up.
(pauses)
We're gonna do this up hard-core,
you know what I'm saying? Hard
core.
CORY
Okay.
SHRINE
I'ma show you how Shrine does it up
in this piece.
GUY 1
Yo Shrine. What's up with the
strippers though?
SHRINE
Chill. The strippers are on their
way.
(raises beer)
The lesbian strippers I should
mention!
Everybody begins to holler and cling their beer bottles.
GUY 2
Ah yeah, that's what I'm talking
about boys!
SHRINE
I know yall like that.
CORY
You know, I was actually with two
lesbians one time.
SHRINE
(intrigued)
Really?
CORY
Yeah.
Everybody crowds around Cory to hear his story.
GUY 1
For real, Cory?
(pauses)
Tell us about it.
GUY 2
Yeah man, don't leave us hanging.
CORY
Alright, well, I was at this club
right, and I met these two lesbians
who later came back to my place for
drinks.
Everybody begins to holler and cling their beer bottles.
SHRINE
(gives Guy 2 a low five)
I gotta hear this.
CORY
So we were at my place right...
Everybody leans in closer as Cory begins to smile and goes
into a flashback.
INT. CORY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Cory is sitting awkwardly on a couch in between two butch fat
women who have fake handle bar mustaches and dressed in suits
and ties. They are all sitting looking straight ahead with no
facial expressions for a moment before fading out of the
flashback.
INT. SHRINE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Everybody is starring at Cory not really knowing what to
think about the story. They all then glance at each other
awkwardly in complete silence.
SHRINE
(disturbed)
Fool. What did you say?
CORY
(motions to lips)
Handle Bar mustache.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Jackie Grail, Molest, and Clitney are driving down the street
with Glenifer sitting in the back of the truck. They are
listening to "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns N Roses with no
base and all treble.
Glenifer is sitting for a moment completely zoned out and
nodding his head to the music. All of a sudden he looks off
to the side of the road with his eyes wide open. He see's
something, but the camera won't show what he see's. He then
looks away and continues to nod his head. He then turns to
the side again and cracks a smile while trying to see
something better. Again, the camera won't show what he see's
and the audience is left wondering what he was looking at.
Jackie Grail slows down and turns into a parking lot of a
building that has a lit up sign above the doors that says
"The Roseanne Bar". She parks and they all get out of the
truck.
GLENIFER
Thanks for the ride.
JACKIE GRAIL
No problem.
CLITNEY
So are you new around here? I
haven't seen you around school or
anything.
GLENIFER
Yeah, I'm just visiting.
(pauses)
My name's Glenifer.
JACKIE GRAIL
I'm Jackie Grail.
MOLEST
And I'm Molest, and this is
Clitney.
CLITNEY
Hi.
GLENIFER
Celest and Britney?
CLITNEY
No,
(slowly enunciating to
gross music)
Molest and Clitney.
GLENIFER
(nonchalantly)
Gross.
There is an awkward silence for a moment.
JACKIE GRAIL
(suggesting nicely)
Why don't you come in the bar with
us?
MOLEST
Yeah! That's a great idea. We can
all hang out.
(pauses)
If you want.
GLENIFER
Alright.
JACKIE GRAIL
This is THEE bar to go to.
(pauses)
If you're gonna go anywhere in this
town, come here.
MOLEST
Yeah, it's mellow and everybody
comes here.
CLITNEY
Yeah, everybody.
GLENIFER
Cool.
As they begin to walk towards the bar, they pass some guys
who look like skate boarders. One of them is wearing a red
fitted hat that says "Generic Red Hat" on it. He looks like
he's a second away from breaking out into tears but trying to
keep his cool. He talks in a slow, deep voice.
GUY IN RED HAT
I'm going to the beach in FIVE
minutes.
SKATE BOARDER
Relax, man.
GUY IN RED HAT
Hey Jackie, could you give us a
ride out to the beach?
JACKIE GRAIL
We're not going out there until
later.
The guy in the red hat impatiently steps away from everybody
while looking outwardly into space smoking a dart and shaking
his head.
GUY IN RED HAT
FOCK! I need a beer.
INT. THE ROSEANNE BAR - NIGHT
Jackie Grail, Clitney, Molest, and Glenifer come walking into
a dim lighted bar. MC Amber Alert is on stage in the middle
of rapping to a dark and depressing beat.
MC AMBER ALERT
(rapping)
Amber Alert style, Gettin' straight
with the Lord like Mekhi Phifer
said in 8 Mile.
Because you treated Slim Shady like
shit.
So how much more selfish could YOU
get?
Poppin' prescription pills right in
front of him?
Makes me think you were never a
mother to that kid.
Plus you said you loved him but you
never did.
And Nathan's big, and knows that
you're phony now, just as Eminem
suspected.
The beat slows down to a stop and MC Amber Alert puts down
the mic and walks off the stage past a guy standing drinking
a beer.
GUY
That was hot.
MC AMBER ALERT
Thanks, man. It was straight from
the heart, you know what I'm
saying?
GUY
Yeah.
MC Amber Alert notices Clitney, Molest, Jackie Grail, and
Glenifer and waves them over. They all walk over to him and
sit down at a table.
MOLEST
Hey Amber.
MC AMBER ALERT
What's up you guys?
JACKIE GRAIL
I didn't know you were rapping here
tonight.
MC AMBER ALERT
Yeah, I'll be here doing my thing
until around nine o'clock or so.
JACKIE GRAIL
Cool. So you're going to that party
then?
MC AMBER ALERT
Yeah, I'm definitely gonna roll
through. Kick some rhymes...
(rapping)
Because I'm the lyrical baker.
I'll crush these rappers like
flower pedals in my potpourri
maker.
GLENIFER
(smirks)
You have a potpourri maker?
MC AMBER ALERT
(embarrassed)
No...
MC Amber Alert takes a sip of his drink and nods his head to
the music.
All of a sudden, an older woman wearing a tiny mini skirt and
a blouse that is tied in a knot by her belly button walks in.
She is with a bunch of her friends on some girls night out
status.
MC AMBER ALERT
(surprised)
Oh there's my Aunty.
JACKIE GRAIL
Is it?
MC AMBER ALERT
Yeah, I haven't seen her since like
Christmas time.
(pauses)
I forgot that she was gonna be in
town for graduation.
MC Amber Alert waves to his Aunty and she see's, smiles, and
then begins walking towards him extra slutty. As she does,
her friends continue towards the bar to get drinks. She then
stops dead in her tracks and looks like she's about to throw
up. She runs over to the bar and squeezes herself in amongst
her friends trying to hide. A moment later they all start
laughing and peeking over towards MC Amber Alert.
Jackie Grail, MC Amber Alert, Molest, Clitney, and Glenifer
all look at each other confused wondering why they were
laughing at him.
CLITNEY
That's weird.
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah, what was that about?
MC AMBER ALERT
I have no idea.
JACKIE GRAIL
Maybe she just didn't know who you
were.
MC AMBER ALERT
Maybe.
One of the woman walks over to MC Amber Alert laughing.
WOMAN
Oh my God, your Aunty thought that
you were hot before she realized it
was you.
MC AMBER ALERT
(disturbed)
She what?
MC Amber Alert looks like he's about to throw up as the woman
walks off towards the bar again. Everybody sits at the table
awkwardly trying not to look at each other.
The silence is then broken by a shot gun blast as a man
dressed in black and wearing a ski mask walks into the bar.
Everybody hits the floor screaming.
ROBBER
This is a robbery! Everybody on the
floor! Now!
JACKIE GRAIL
Oh my God.
ROBBER
And nobody better try to be a hero
either!
The robber walks up to the bar tender who would be best
played by Roseanne Barr.
ROBBER
Alright, empty the cash register,
bitch!
ROSEANNE
(sarcastic)
Uh, like that's gonna happen.
ROBBER
Do you think I'm playing around?!?
Give me the money!
ROSEANNE
(calmly)
I am so sick of this.
ROBBER
Give it to me!
JACKIE GRAIL
Just give him the money. He's gonna
kill somebody.
ROBBER
Yeah, why don't you just listen to
her? It will make things a lot
easier.
ROSEANNE
(giving up)
Alright, just hold your horses.
Roseanne opens the cash register.
ROBBER
(under his breath)
Hurry, hurry...
The robber looks over his shoulder, and when he does,
Roseanne takes a leap for the gun. However, the robber
doesn't even flinch because he is standing significantly away
from the counter and she doesn't even come close. She falls
on a bar stool and twists all weird before hitting the floor.
The entire bar goes silent.
ROSEANNE
(in pain)
Shit.
Glenifer then runs up behind the robber and puts him in a
choke hold. They struggle and then the robber breaks free and
swings at Glenifer, hitting him.
Glenifer staggers back holding his face.
GLENIFER
Whoa. That wasn't such a good idea
on your part.
ROBBER
Why? What are you gonna do about
it?
There is a momentary silence and then Glenifer picks up a
chair and hits the robber in the head with it.
The robber then runs at Glenifer and they fight it out for a
bit with the end result, the robber being knocked out.
The whole bar begins to cheer as Glenifer walks over to help
Roseanne up off the floor.
GLENIFER
Are you alright, lady?
ROSEANNE
Yeah. Thanks to you.
GLENIFER
Come and sit down.
ROSEANNE
(sits in chair)
I definitely owe you one for that.
GLENIFER
Don't worry about it. I did what I
had to do.
JACKIE GRAIL
(runs up)
Are you okay?
ROSEANNE
I'm fine.
(extremely concerned)
What about you? Are you girls
alright?
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah. We're fine.
ROSEANNE
(relieved)
Good.
CLITNEY
I'll call the police.
ROSEANNE
Thanks, Clitney. Use the phone in
my office.
CLITNEY
Alright.
ROSEANNE
(walks behind bar counter)
I think we need to celebrate.
(pauses)
What's your name?
GLENIFER
Glenifer.
ROSEANNE
Celebrate Glenifer's heroism.
(pauses)
With some drinks on the house.
Roseanne looks towards the stage while flinging a dish rag
over her shoulder.
ROSEANNE
(screams)
DJ!!
On the stage, a DJ nods his head to acknowledge Roseanne and
then scratches a record on the turn tables. The song "What A
Way To Go Out" by Souls Of Mischief begins to play. At the 9
second mark of the song, the scene changes.
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
The song "What A Way To Go Out" by Souls Of Mischief
continues from the 9 second mark as we see a bunch of kids
drinking in front of a beach house.
The song goes quieter and we see Stock and Kwon standing by
somebody, but we can't see who it is.
STOCK AND KWON
(chanting)
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
The camera then moves to see that Stock and Kwon are not
telling somebody to chug a beer, but are calling a Native
American kid a chug.
The Native American kid pulls the front of his shirt out with
his fingers awkwardly not knowing what to do.
A girl then walks past them wearing a pink t-shirt that says
"Lisa Kudrow" across the chest. Her name is Lilly.
STOCK
Hey look.
Stock and Kwon look at Lilly's shirt and smirk.
KWON
(whispers to Stock)
Watch this.
(looks at Lilly)
Hey Romy, where's Michelle?
Stock and Kwon give each other a high five as Lilly stops
dead in her tracks. She looks kind of confused, but tempted
to settle the score if only she knew how.
LILLY
You mean Phoebe?
KWON
(completely confused)
Who?
Lilly, Stock, and Kwon stand there for a moment in awkward
silence looking at each other not knowing what to say.
Molest walks up and puts her hand on Lilly's shoulder.
MOLEST
Leave Lilly alone you guys.
STOCK
Hey it's Jessica Hewit.
MOLEST
(unimpressed)
My name's Molest.
STOCK
No, I mean you look like that girl.
You know?
(looks at Kwon)
YOU know.
KWON
Oh yeah! From that movie. That re
make of... uh.
Kwon closes his eyes and thinks for a second.
MOLEST
(impatient)
You lost me already.
They all stand in an awkward silence again not knowing what
to say next.
INT. BEACH HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Inside the beach house, there are a bunch of kids standing
around drinking beer. Glenifer is standing against the wall
close to the front door beside Jackie Grail. Glenifer looks
to be slightly drunk.
GLENIFER
Man, I'm feeling kind of buzzed
already.
JACKIE GRAIL
(laughs)
How many did you have?
GLENIFER
I don't know. A couple I guess.
(pauses)
Hey, can I ask you something?
JACKIE GRAIL
Sure, what is it?
GLENIFER
Have you seen anything weird around
here lately?
JACKIE GRAIL
(confused)
Weird? Like what?
GLENIFER
I don't know, like unusual looking
clouds and stuff.
JACKIE GRAIL
Ugh, I'm pretty sure that I
haven't.
(pauses)
Why do you ask?
GLENIFER
Oh, no reason really.
(glances out window)
There's just something that might
be coming soon.
(under his breath)
Kind of like an apocalyptic storm I
guess.
JACKIE GRAIL
What did you say?
GLENIFER
(off guard)
What?
JACKIE GRAIL
I HOPE it doesn't storm. My sister
is gonna be having her wedding
soon.
GLENIFER
Really?
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah. You should come.
(pauses)
If you're still gonna be in town
that is.
GLENIFER
Okay.
JACKIE GRAIL
It's gonna be like THEE wedding of
the century.
A kid comes walking into the house carrying a 12 pack of beer
under one arm, and a Siamese cat under his other arm. His
name is Jerund.
JERUND
Jerund's in the house!!
EVERYBODY
(chanting)
Jerund! Jerund! Jerund! Jerund!
Jerund! Jerund! Jerund! Jerund!
The chanting stops and then Jerund says;
JERUND
You can start the party now.
Jerund begins to walk into the crowd of people giving high
fives to everybody.
GLENIFER
(turns to Jackie Grail)
What's with the cat?
JACKIE GRAIL
Oh, that's Jerund. He brings his
cat to all the parties.
(pauses)
Nobody seems to question it.
GLENIFER
Really?
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah. Although now that you mention
it, I'm kind of thinking about
questioning it.
The song "Electric Avenue" by Eddie Grant begins to play and
everybody in the party goes wild.
GLENIFER
Oh man, I LOVE this song.
(pauses)
Watch this.
Glenifer starts doing the robot dance walking out into the
middle of the room.
JACKIE GRAIL
(laughs)
Go Glenifer!
Everybody in the party makes a circle around Glenifer and
begins cheering him on.
At the 11 to 15 second mark of the song he does this
hilarious lean back and rev up like he's on a motorbike and
everybody begins to cheer even louder.
At the 33 second mark of the song, when the chorus starts,
Jerund walks into the circle and starts doing the robot dance
also. He has his cat under his right arm.
EVERYBODY
(chanting)
Jerund! Jerund! Jerund! Jerund!
Jerund! Jerund! Jerund! Jerund!
Glenifer looks over at Jerund with the most pissed off face
ever that he stole his shine. He shoves him in the most
awkward push in history and then the music scratches to a
stop.
Everybody stands in an awkward silence and all that can be
heard is the foot steps of the cat as it runs out of the
circle.
Glenifer then walks away while glaring back at Jerund who is
laying on the floor looking up at him awkwardly.
JERUND
(pissed off)
Where's he going?
Jerund, almost crying, tries to catch his breath and shout,
but chokes on the first words only getting out;
JERUND
(screams)
--The shit out of him!!
INT. BEACH HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT
Molest is sitting on a bed with two other girls in a room
that is decorated with flowers and pink bed sheets.
MOLEST
I know, I just love it.
Lilly comes walking into the room.
MOLEST
Hey Lilly.
LILLY
Hi. What are you doing sitting in
here?
MOLEST
Lilly, don't you just love life?
LILLY
Yeah.
(pauses)
I guess so.
MOLEST
(extremely happy)
No, I mean LOVE it. You know what I
mean? Just steadily LOVING it.
Clitney comes walking into the room with a concerned facial
expression.
CLITNEY
Hey Molest, it turns out that you
ARE pregnant after all.
Molest's jaw drops and they all go into an awkward silence
looking at each other.
Christine walks past the room laughing while talking to
another girl.
CHRISTINE
Yeah, I don't know, maybe I'll ask
them.
GIRL
Alright, well nice talking to you
again.
CHRISTINE
Yeah, give me a call this weekend.
GIRL
I will.
Christine walks into the room where Molest and Clitney are
in.
CHRISTINE
Have any of you seen Jackie Grail?
Nobody says anything and remains in an awkward silence.
Christine stops smiling and turns serious.
CHRISTINE
What's wrong?
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Stock and Kwon are running down the street. From the stomach
up, they appear to be naked.
Stock finishes guzzling a beer and tosses it off to the side.
STOCK
(screaming)
Woooooo!
KWON
(screaming)
We're streaking!!!!
(pauses)
Woooooo!
STOCK
This is an AWESOME idea, man.
KWON
I know, hey? We're gonna be legends
for this.
Stock and Kwon run around the corner and there are two
Mexican kids standing against a wall.
KWON
Ugh, check out those dirty spic's.
STOCK
(disgusted)
I know.
The Mexican kids overhear Stock and Kwon's comments and their
facial expressions turn pissed off.
MEXICAN 1
What you say esa?
MEXICAN 2
You better be ready to back that
shit up holmes.
MEXICAN 1
Yeah, we'll beat you down esa.
From the position of where the Mexican kids are standing, the
camera focuses on Stock and Kwon walking towards the camera
completely naked but cencored.
STOCK
(dead serious)
What did you say, spic?
The two Mexican kids glance at each other not knowing whether
to fight them while they're naked or not.
STOCK
(extends arms out to side)
Let's go right now!
KWON
Yeah let's do this you fuckin'
poges. You fuckin' Spanish
Americans.
The two Mexican kids slowly step away extremely creeped out
and confused.
STOCK
You could NEVER be like us.
MEXICAN 2
(confused)
What IS THIS, man?
KWON
(screams)
Get 'em!!
Stock and Kwon give chase down the street in slow motion to
the first 15 seconds of the song "Caught A Disease" by
Warcloud.
EXT. HOUSE YARD - MORNING
The sun is beginning to rise when a suspicious man wearing a
bath robe and slippers walks out of his house with his
miniature dog next door to Jackie Grail.
There is sneaky Walt Disney style music playing as he tip
toes across the lawn to try steal their newspaper.
The man then takes the newspaper off the front porch of
Jackie Grail's house and begins sneaking back out of the
yard.
MAN
(talking to dog)
Come on Rusty. Ain't nothing like
getting the morning paper for free.
(pauses)
And who's gonna stop me?
All of a sudden, Vincent opens the door. He grins, looks
around, and then grabs his skateboard.
VINCENT
I got you this time!
Both the man and his dog turn around and their jaws drop.
MAN
Uh oh...
To family adventure movie background music, the man begins to
run with his arms waving in the air. His dog follows running
behind him.
Vincent then jumps on his skate board and gives chase down
the path to the sidewalk. Though making the turn onto the
sidewalk, the skateboard slips from under his feet and he
eats the pavement sliding for a good five feet screaming and
bawling.
The music stops and the man and his dog turn around. Even the
dog looks awkward and sorry.
MAN
Holy shit.
(pauses)
Are you OK, kid?
FADE TO:
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
The Wedding March song by Tchaikovsky begins to play as the
camera fly's over the Roswell New Mexican Death Valley. On
the screen it says "Roswell New Mexican Death Valley", and
below we see everybody setting up for the wedding wearing
dresses and tuxedo's.
The camera lowers to ground level and we see Christine
sitting in a chair wearing her wedding dress. There are four
brides maids wearing pink dresses standing around her. One of
the brides maids is doing Christine's hair while the others
are standing around in complete awe that their best friend is
getting married.
BRIDES MAID 1
(doing Christine's hair)
I am like SO jealous of you,
Christine.
(pauses)
I can't believe that you're the
first one out of all of us to get
married.
BRIDES MAID 2
I know. It's like some kind of
fairy tale come true.
BRIDES MAID 3
Pretty soon you'll have kids.
CHRISTINE
I don't know about that. I kind of
want to start off my career first.
Though I HAVE been thinking of a
couple names.
BRIDES MAID 2
Really? Like what?
CHRISTINE
Well if I have a boy, I'd really
like to name him Sarcophagus.
Everybody except Christine glances at each other looking
disturbed.
BRIDES MAID 1
Sarcophagus?
CHRISTINE
(out to lunch)
Yeah. It's Egyptian I think.
There is a momentary awkward silence before Brides Maid 3
breaks the tension.
BRIDES MAID 3
I honestly can't get over how
beautiful your dress looks.
Christine looks flattered and puts her hand on her chest.
CHRISTINE
Thanks.
BRIDES MAID 3
I really mean it
BRIDES MAID 4
Where did you buy it?
CHRISTINE
My grandmother actually made it for
me.
BRIDES MAID 4
Are you serious?
BRIDES MAID 1
It's true. She's been working on it
for the past several months.
There is a momentary silence.
CHRISTINE
You know, this is like I've always
dreamed my wedding would be like.
BRIDES MAID 2
I can't wait until my day.
CHRISTINE
You'll all have your day, and it
will be just as great.
(almost breaks out into
tears)
And I'll be right there beside you
like the best friends you have been
to me.
BRIDES MAID 4
Oh Christine.
All of the girls except for Brides Maid 1 who is still
working on Christine's hair go in for a hug while holding
back tears of joy.
BRIDES MAID 1
(cringes)
Don't mess up her hair.
(pauses)
This is like my best work since I
convinced that guy who played
Spiderman to make himself look like
Chloe Sevigny.
On the screen we show a picture of Tobey Maguire next to a
picture of Chloe Sevigny from preferably the movie "Boys
Don't Cry". On top of the pictures, the words "OH SNAP!" goes
from small to huge to make it look like it's coming towards
the camera to Spiderman background music.
BRIDES MAID 4
So what actually made you decide to
have the wedding ceremony out here
instead of Area 51?
CHRISTINE
I actually couldn't get written
permission to have it out there,
but this was my first choice
anyway. Plus I've always been drawn
to this place.
(pauses)
The history is so rich.
(under her breath)
...so rich.
Christine smiles and looks up at the sky as we cut into a
flashback type memoir of the history.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY 1947 - DAY
(in black and white)
We view the flashback through a shaky black and white home
video camera that says "1947" in the bottom right hand
corner. The camera is filming the landscape of the Roswell
New Mexican Death Valley on a day just like it is for
Christine's wedding.
CAMERA MAN'S VOICE
(relaxed and calmly)
Ahhhhh... 1947.
A loud whining similar to the sound of a plane about to crash
to the Earth is heard. The camera swings around to focus on
the sky just in time to see a smoking flying saucer in it's
final moment of flight. It then crash lands, slamming into
the ground where it immediately opens up. Alien's roll out
all bloody and grabbing their heads while screaming in high
pitched horror.
ALIEN
(screaming)
The horror!!!
CAMERA MAN'S VOICE
(hysterical)
Oh my God!
EXT - DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Christine snaps out of the flashback and looks at her brides
maids smiling.
CHRISTINE
(out to lunch)
Don't you think?
BRIDES MAID 3
It just goes to show you that
dreams can and do come true.
BRIDES MAID 4
Ain't that the truth.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Glenifer is sitting on the tail gate of Jackie Grail's pick
up truck sadly looking at a picture. He sits there for a
moment before Jackie Grail comes walking up.
JACKIE GRAIL
My uncle has a suit for you. It
should be here shortly.
GLENIFER
(sadly)
Alright.
JACKIE GRAIL
Are you okay?
Glenifer looks up but doesn't say anything. He then looks at
the picture again.
Jackie Grail, sympathetic, sits down on the tail gate beside
Glenifer and glances over at the picture.
JACKIE GRAIL
What's that?
GLENIFER
It's a picture of my mom.
JACKIE GRAIL
Oh. Can I see?
GLENIFER
Sure.
Glenifer passes Jackie Grail the picture and she looks at it.
In the picture, there is a skinny woman wearing a baggy white
t-shirt that has a huge, gross, faded picture of the Beverly
Hills 90210 cast. She is sitting on a 24 pack case of beer at
a house party starring at the camera with an intense look. A
look as if she is getting tired of waiting for a ride to a
better party across town.
GLENIFER
She was a complete liar.
JACKIE GRAIL
Really?
GLENIFER
When I was growing up, all she ever
used to tell me was about was how
she worked on the set of Beverly
Hills 90210. Talking about how it
was the best time of her life.
(pauses)
It was all lies.
JACKIE GRAIL
(shocked and sympathetic)
Damn...
Jackie Grail gives the picture back to Glenifer and he puts
it in his pocket.
GLENIFER
It's amazing the things we take for
granted isn't it?
JACKIE GRAIL
I know exactly what you mean.
Glenifer and Jackie Grail sit for a moment in silence.
GLENIFER
Good looking on the suit though. I
owe you one.
JACKIE GRAIL
Don't mention it. What are friends
for.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Katherin and Oonis are helping Cory's sister, Patricia,
display a bunch of food on a table.
Patricia is outrageously tall and skinny wearing tight jeans
and a puffy white cowboy shirt. She looks like she tends to
1980's horses in her spare time.
OONIS
You know, it's such a shame that
Christine's other grandmother isn't
alive to see this.
KATHERIN
It IS a shame.
(pauses)
You know, there actually isn't a
day that goes by that I don't think
about her.
PATRICIA
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Me and
Cory's grandma recently passed
away. It hit's you in the chest
pretty hard.
OONIS
It does, doesn't it.
KATHERIN
She actually died when Christine
was just a little girl.
(pauses)
When she was only like eight years
old.
PATRICIA
(sympathetic)
Really? That is so hard on young
children.
KATHERIN
Yeah, they were real close too.
OONIS
(in deep thought)
It was the strangest thing though,
don't you think Katherin?
KATHERIN
You know, now that you mention it,
yes. It was.
PATRICIA
(intrigued)
What do you mean?
Katherin and Oonis glance at each other disturbingly.
OONIS
Well, the last night that she was
alive...
Oonis looks up at the sky reminiscing and goes into a
flashback.
INT. CHRISTINE'S ROOM 1986 - NIGHT
Christine is just a little girl around eight years old. She
is sitting at a small table in the middle of her room with
her other grandmother having a pretend tea party.
On the screen it says "1986".
CHRISTINE
Do you want some more tea, grandma?
GRANDMOTHER
Sure sweetie. Anything from my
favorite grand daughter in the
whole wide world.
Christine pretends to pour some tea into her grandmother's
cup. They pretend to sip it for a moment and then the
grandmother smiles at Christine, who looks up and smiles
back.
GRANDMOTHER
Grandma got you a present for your
birthday.
CHRISTINE
(excited)
Really?!
GRANDMOTHER
You bet.
The grandmother pulls out a wrapped present from under the
table and passes it to Christine.
CHRISTINE
Oh thanks grandma.
GRANDMOTHER
Open it up, dear.
(pauses)
I think you'll like it.
Christine rips open the present. It is a small pink toy radio
made out of plastic.
CHRISTINE
It's a radio!
GRANDMOTHER
Yeah, it's just a toy but it's
actually able to play the closest
radio signal.
CHRISTINE
Really?
Christine turns the radio on and we hear a woman who sounds
like a burned out prostitute.
WOMAN ON RADIO
Hun, I started working the pole as
soon as I turned eighteen.
Christine's grandmother quickly shuts the radio off and puts
it back underneath the table.
GRANDMOTHER
Maybe you should leave it off
though.
CHRISTINE
Alright.
They then sit in an awkward silence for a moment while
pretending to sip tea again.
GRANDMOTHER
(looks at her watch)
It's probably time for you to go to
bed huh?
CHRISTINE
(reluctant)
Yeah, I guess.
Christine runs and jumps into her bed and pulls the covers
over herself. Her grandmother tucks her in and gives her a
kiss on the fore head.
GRANDMOTHER
Grandmother loves you.
CHRISTINE
I love you too, grandma.
GRANDMOTHER
Sweet dreams.
Christine's grandmother walks over to the door and shuts off
the lights.
GRANDMOTHER
Good night.
INT. CHRISTINE'S ROOM 1986 - NIGHT
It is the next day and Christine is sitting on her bed
playing with her dolls. Katherin walks in wearing extremely
tight leather pants and a tie died Grand Beach Club t-shirt.
Her hair is poofed out 80's style with a big pearl necklace
wrapped around her neck several times. She is also wearing
huge purple hoop earrings.
CHRISTINE
Oh hi mom. Do you want to play
dolls with me?
KATHERIN
Christine, I have some bad news to
tell you.
Katherin sits on the bed and puts her hand on Christine's
shoulder to brace her for the bad news. She then brings one
leg up on the bed so that a cotton ball sewed on the back of
her sock hovers in front of the camera.
Those socks were a paradigm of the 80's and it is critical to
film this correctly.
CHRISTINE
What's wrong?
KATHERIN
I don't know how to tell you this.
(pauses)
Grandma passed away last night.
CHRISTINE
She died?
KATHERIN
Yeah. But she'll always be in our
hearts, Christine.
(pauses)
Always.
CHRISTINE
I'm gonna miss her.
Christine is heart broken and looks up to gaze out the window
as Katherin rubs her shoulder trying to console her.
KATHERIN
So will I.
(under her breath)
So will I.
INT. CHRISTINE'S ROOM 1986 - NIGHT
Christine is now tucked into bed in the evening. Her night
light is on and after a moment or two it suddenly begins to
flicker. Christine stares at it looking scared.
CHRISTINE
What's going on?
All of a sudden, everything in her room starts to fly around
slamming into the walls. Christine screams and her
grandmother materializes as a ghost with the most pissed off
look on her face. She violently picks up Christine's dresser
and throws it against the wall. The dresser busts into pieces
and then the grandmother punches her fist through the wall.
CHRISTINE
(crying)
Grandma?!
The grandmother turns around and then hovers over in front of
Christine's bed. She begins to shout cencored profanity's
with her mouth blurred out.
CHRISTINE
(crying)
What did you say?
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Patricia is covering her mouth in disbelief as Oonis and
Katherin finish telling her the story.
PATRICIA
Oh my God, she turned into a
poltergeist?
KATHERIN
Yeah.
OONIS
We don't really like to talk about
it, but it's true.
PATRICIA
That's unreal.
OONIS
It actually got Christine
interested in paranormal
investigation.
(pauses)
She's really into conspiracy
theory's also.
PATRICIA
(completely disturbed)
Are you serious?
OONIS
Yeah, she actually has some really
interesting books on that kind of
stuff.
KATHERIN
She does.
OONIS
Katherin, can you help me move this
table over a bit?
KATHERIN
Sure.
Oonis and Katherin attempt to move a table while Patricia
tries to catch up with her sanity.
OONIS
(looks at Patricia)
So what are YOUR interests? Are you
enrolled in University also?
PATRICA
Well, I was but I had to drop out
because I couldn't keep up with the
payments.
OONIS
It's so expensive, isn't it?
KATHERIN
It is. I don't know how the schools
think they can charge that much.
It's outrageous.
Oonis and Katherin keep trying to move the table when
Glenifer walks by and see's them struggling. He comes running
up to them.
GLENIFER
Oh I can move that for you!
KATHERIN
Okay.
Oonis and Katherin put the table down and step back. Glenifer
picks up the table and moves it with ease.
OONIS
Well thank you, Glenifer.
GLENIFER
It was no problem.
OONIS
Big muscle Glenifer...
KATHERIN
He must work out.
Patricia takes notice flirtatiously, in a 1980's female horse
rancher kind of way.
PATRICIA
I think SO.
GLENIFER
(blushes)
No, not really.
OONIS
When I was young I used to work out
a lot.
PATRICIA
Did you?
OONIS
Yeah. I was a pretty strong young
lady I assure you.
Oonis looks up at the sky smiling while she reminisces into
another flashback.
EXT. TITANIC - NIGHT
Leonardo Dicaprio is laying on his stomach on the bow of the
Titanic as it is sinking. He is looking down at the ocean
trying to keep his cool.
WOMAN'S VOICE
(screams)
It's sinking!!!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Oonis, we have to stay on the ship
as long as possible.
(pauses)
Oonis?
Leonardo Dicaprio looks over to his side and we see Oonis.
She is a young woman wearing a soaking wet old fashioned
dress and doing push up's.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
What are you doing?
OONIS
(out of breath)
I can't miss a day!
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Patricia and Glenifer are looking at Oonis not knowing how to
react to the story she just told. Katherin on the other hand,
seems to be immune to her stories.
PATRICIA
(uneasy)
What's with all the flashbacks?
OONIS
(snaps back into reality)
Hmm?
GLENIFER
Is there anything else you need me
to move for you?
OONIS
No, I don't think so. Thanks again
for your help though.
GLENIFER
No problem.
A little girl holding a flower basket walks up to Patricia.
Her name is Nina.
NINA
Hi Patricia.
PATRICIA
(kneels down)
Oh hi Nina, how are you?
NINA
I'm the flower girl.
PATRICIA
Is that right?
OONIS
You make such a cute flower girl.
KATHERIN
She does.
NINA
(looks at Oonis)
Patricia said you look like that
slut from the Golden Girls.
There is an awkward silence as everybody kind of glances at
each other not knowing what to say.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Christine and Cory are now standing at the alter with the
priest.
PRIEST
Dearly beloved. We are gathered
here today to join Cory and
Christine in holy matrimony.
(pauses)
If anybody here feels that these
two should not be married, please
speak now or forever hold your
peace.
There is a momentary silence as nobody has any objections, so
the Priest continues.
PRIEST
Do you, Cory, take Christine, to be
your lawfully wedded wife, for
better or for worse, and in
sickness and in health?
CORY
I do.
A baby begins to cry in the background.
PRIEST
And do you, Christine, take Cory,
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
for better or for worse, and in
sickness and in health?
Christine looks at Cory with emotion.
CHRISTINE
I do.
PRIEST
With the power invested in me, I
now pronounce you husband and wife.
(pauses)
You may now--
Christine turns around looking frustrated.
CHRISTINE
(interrupts)
I'm sorry but will somebody please
shut that fuckin' baby up?
We hear everybody gasp and go silent though we can still hear
the baby crying. Christine and Cory stand at the front in an
awkward silence for a moment before the scene fades.
FADE TO:
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Everybody is standing around congratulating Christine and
Cory.
We then see Aunty Karen and Patricia cooking hotdogs with
children running around close to them.
AUNTY KAREN
(yells over to kids)
Your hotdogs are gonna be ready
soon, don't go too far!
(pauses)
I absolutely love wedding hotdogs.
PATRICIA
Me too.
(pauses)
Don't burn them.
Glenifer walks up to Aunty Karen and Patricia wearing a
leather flight jacket.
AUNTY KAREN
They seem to be cooking extra fast
today.
GLENIFER
(pops his collar)
I feel the need! The need! For
speed! Oww!
Aunty Karen and Patricia only glance at Glenifer with
expressionless faces, then begin taking the hotdogs off of
the barbecue grill. Glenifer looks completely embarrassed.
GLENIFER
You know? Like that movie? Top Gun?
Aunty Karen and Patricia don't laugh at all and Glenifer
gives them a gross smile to try break the awkwardness.
PATRICIA
(sarcastic)
Yeah, like from twenty years ago?
Oonis walks up to the microphone in front of everybody to say
a couple words.
OONIS
Everybody, I would like to propose
a toast to Christine and Cory.
Everybody turns towards Oonis to listen.
OONIS
So first off, I'd like to welcome
Cory into our family.
(pauses)
Through the past couple years we've
gotten to know him, he's become
like a grandson to me.
(pauses)
And I know that if Christine's
father was still alive, he would be
just as proud as I am. But
unfortunately, he was taken away
from us too soon when he died in a
practice evacuation at a comic book
convention.
Oonis glances up at the sky and goes into a flashback.
INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION - DAY
Christine's father is standing on a table that has a bunch of
comic books on it. He is skinny with a fitted blue hat, black
corduroy jeans, and a Green Lantern hoody. He is directing a
bunch of nerdy looking kids out of the building.
CHRISTINE'S FATHER
Alright, we need everybody to line
up single file outside. This is a
practice comic book convention
evacuation.
(pauses)
I repeat. This is only a practice
comic book convention evacuation.
Christine's father looks over his shoulder like he knows
something that nobody else does.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Oonis holds back a tear and then we see Patricia looking
absolutely disturbed. Everybody else remains silent to pay
respect to Christine's father.
OONIS
He will forever be on our hearts.
(pauses)
Now what I would like everybody do
is to gather around Christine and
Cory to form a circle. As they have
their first dance as husband and
wife.
Everybody forms a circle around Christine and Cory as the
song "Runnin' With The Devil" by Van Halen begins to play.
They dance to it 80's style, like kind of moving their
shoulders to the beat and starring at each other while
snapping their fingers. We show them dancing until the 1:20
mark of the song.
We then see Vincent walk up to Katherin who is watching the
dance standing next to Aunty Karen and Shrine.
VINCENT
Mom, can I go play over by the
creek?
KATHERIN
Alright. Just be careful.
VINCENT
I will.
KATHERIN
Tell your grandma too just in case
I get drunk and forget where you
told me you went.
VINCENT
Alright.
INT. COURTROOM 1556 - DAY
On the screen it says "Meanwhile... In 1556" in an old
fashioned court room. There is a group of people wearing
black robes and judge wigs. One person is sitting at a table
writing with a feather.
The Horsemen come in through the front door with pissed off
faces.
JUDGE 1
They're here.
HORSEMAN 1
(sarcastic)
Yeah, we're here alright.
JUDGE 2
Shut up! It's time to begin the
Apocalypse.
HORSEMAN 1
It's about time.
EXT. CREEK - DAY
Vincent is standing beside a slow moving creek at the edge of
a forest. He is poking around in the mud with a stick when a
black cat with a snobby English accent drifts past on a
little raft made of logs. It stares at Vincent and says;
CAT
(sarcastic)
Looks like fun.
VINCENT
(mind blown)
What the...
CAT
Carry on then. Cherio.
The cat drifts away while continuing to stare at Vincent.
VINCENT
Stupid cat.
The wind suddenly begins to pick up making Vincent's clothes
flap out of control. He looks around with the feeling that
something isn't quite right while pulling the front of his
shirt against the wind.
All of a sudden, thick smoke begins to rise out of the creek
water to a point where Vincent can't see anything in front of
him.
After the smoke fades away, the Wizard appears standing on
top of the water in the middle of the creek. He is wearing a
huge black robe which is flapping around in the wind. He
extends his magic wand towards Vincent.
Vincent's jaw drops while standing speechless as the Wizard
begins to speak in a stern, powerful voice.
WIZARD
I warn you. Do not ever watch the
movie which they call The Majestic.
Vincent remains standing speechless with his mouth open as
they stare at each other in silence for a moment.
The Wizard then slowly removes his hood and speaks less stern
and more friendly while lowering his magic wand.
WIZARD
Seriously though, don't watch it.
Vincent looks around suspiciously.
VINCENT
Where did YOU come from?
WIZARD
There is something which I must
show you.
VINCENT
There is?
WIZARD
Yes. A duel which is taking place
as we speak. In another dimension
of time, with a possible outcome
that could affect life as we know
it.
VINCENT
(confused)
What do you mean?
WIZARD
I'll show you.
The Wizard whips his magic wand through the air and they are
both immersed in a thick cloud of smoke.
EXT. ANCIENT ROME - DAY
After the smoke fades away, they are no longer at the creek,
but are in a Roman style stadium which is held up by huge
cement pillars.
There is the sound of gross yelling. The type of yelling that
makes you feel uneasy. It sounds as if people are trying to
scream sense into a mad man.
We see the people who are yelling. They are all wearing
toga's and judge wigs. It would be funny to edit in the Saved
By The Bell cast from the episode where they went to a toga
party and drove home drunk. It would be perfect because that
was a serious episode and they all had the sad and weary
facial expressions essential for this scene.
We then see two comic book character looking people fighting
in the middle of the crowd.
One is a super hero named Lunchables. He is wearing a tight
yellow super hero costume which says "Lunchables" on his
chest.
The other is a super villain named Hydro Vag. He is half
robot / half human and it says "Hydro Vag" on his chest.
They are both wearing judge wigs also.
HYDRO VAG
Well Well, aren't those the same
pants you wore yesterday,
Lunchables?
LUNCHABLES
So what. Look at YOU.
Hydro Vag back hands Lunchables and the screen freezes for a
moment as the words "EXTRA CRISPY!!" appears in a speech
bubble. The screen then unfreezes and Lunchables fly's
backwards rolling limply across the ground. He then gets up
and brushes some dust off his pants.
HYDRO VAG
What did you say to the almighty
Hydro Vag?
Lunchables, looking extremely upset, runs towards Hydro Vag
as fast as he can. He then jumps onto him and starts feeding
him punches while almost crying.
HYDRO VAG
Somebody get this lesbian off of
me!
Vincent turns to the Wizard.
VINCENT
What's going on? Where are we?
WIZARD
It's a fight to the death. In
ancient Rome.
Hydro Vag throws Lunchables up against a cement pillar and
holds him there by the neck. He then pulls out a long knife
from his boot and inches it towards Lunchables' face.
Lunchables tries to push it away unsuccessfully while
everybody in the stadium screams in horror.
HYDRO VAG
Looks like your last train to...
(thinks for a second)
...knife in the face.
LUNCHABLES
Not if I can help it!
All of a sudden uplifting background music begins to play as
Lunchables slowly begins to push the knife away from his
face. The crowd begins to cheer as Hydro Vag's facial
expression turns suspect and tries to push the knife even
harder, unsuccessfully.
LUNCHABLES
The power of good will always
prevail.
Slowly, Lunchables keeps pushing the knife farther and
farther away from his face as the crowd cheers even louder.
Hydro Vag then smiles and pushes the knife back in the
opposite direction.
Lunchables' jaw drops and we show a view of the crowd as they
go completely silent to the sound of the knife going through
his face.
HYDRO VAG
I hope he packed a lunch.
Hydro Vag walks over to the crowd with his arms stretched out
to the side and looking up at the sky.
HYDRO VAG
Bring on the Horsemen!!
The clouds and the sky turn red as lighting begins to strike
down upon the Earth.
The song "Clash of the Titans" by Cypress Hill begins to play
and everybody throws their hands in the air kind of dancing
and bobbing their heads with pissed off faces.
The Wizard then whips his magic wand through the air so that
him and Vincent disappear into a thick cloud of smoke.
EXT. CREEK - DAY
The smoke settles as Vincent and the Wizard are standing at
the edge of the creek. Vincent slowly walks away from the
Wizard in a daze.
VINCENT
Why were they dancing?
WIZARD
Who knows.
(pauses)
The time of reckoning is upon us
and you're gonna be seeing a lot of
stuff like that now.
VINCENT
Really?
WIZARD
Yeah.
VINCENT
So what does this mean? Like the
Apocalypse has begun already?
WIZARD
Yes, in so many words. That's why
you must get to safety.
(pauses)
You especially will be needed in
the future.
VINCENT
I will?
WIZARD
Yes. Shortly after you switch up
your style as a teenager for
example.
The Wizard brushes his magic wand through the air slowly and
a cloudy screen appears in mid air.
INT. SUBURBAN PARK - DAY
(on wizard's screen)
Vincent is older and has a thin mustache. He is wearing
clothes that Simon Camden would wear on the recent episodes
of 7th Heaven.
A woman in a business suit approaches from behind carrying a
clip board.
WOMAN
Hey kid. How would you like to make
some money?
VINCENT
(turns around)
Me?
WOMAN
Yeah. We need a stunt double for
the season finale of 7th Heaven.
VINCENT
(weary)
What kind of stunt?
INT. 7TH HEAVEN KITCHEN - DAY
(on wizard's screen)
We cut to a shot of the 7th Heaven kitchen set with the real
cast members Mary and Matt. Matt has Vincent pinned up
against the refrigerator feeding him extremely hard punches
to the face while Mary is trying to pull him off.
MARY
Stop hitting Simon!
Matt opens up the refrigerator door and we see a brown paper
bag labeled "Church Dainties". He positions Vincent's head
inside and starts slamming the door against it.
MARY
(screaming in horror)
You're gonna kill him!
Matt keeps slamming the refrigerator door against Vincent's
bloody face.
MATT
The shit out of him!
The screen fades and the same woman who offered Vincent the
job does narration.
WOMAN
(narration)
On a very special episode of 7th
Heaven.
EXT. CREEK - DAY
The Wizard brushes his magic wand through the air and the
screen disappears. Him and Vincent look at each other for a
moment before speaking.
WIZARD
So go find shelter before it's too
late.
VINCENT
Where should I go?
WIZARD
Where destiny manifests.
The Wizard disappears into a thick cloud of smoke and Vincent
stands there for a moment trying to think of what he meant
before taking off running.
EXT. STREET - DAY
After the wedding, everybody is driving in their decorated
cars and trucks. They are all honking their horns in
celebration.
We see Christine and Cory at the very front looking extremely
happy. All of a sudden their facial expressions turn serious.
They're looking out the window and all we see is flashing red
and blue lights.
CHRISTINE
Oh my God, an accident.
(pauses)
Slow down.
CORY
I wonder what happened.
We then see ambulance personnel putting a biker on a
stretcher. His clothes are all ripped up and his motorcycle
is totaled. The biker and the ambulance personnel stare at
Christine and Cory with sad faces.
Cory, Christine, and the first couple cars behind them have
stopped honking their horns, though the cars in the back of
the line are still honking and celebrating not knowing that
there is an accident up ahead.
KATHERIN
That was a lovely wedding ceremony.
OONIS
It was, wasn't it.
(notices accident)
Oh my God.
As the parade passes the accident, the horns slowly fade to
dead silence.
One of the ambulance personnel begins to talk to the biker.
AMBULANCE PERSON 1
How are you feeling?
BIKER
(in pain)
It hurts.
AMBULANCE PERSON 2
You know, you wouldn't have been
hurt so bad if you had been wearing
real leather.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
Jackie Grail is driving in her truck with Glenifer sitting
shotgun. All of a sudden the truck begins to sputter and then
the engine dies completely. They coast down the road for a
moment and then come to a stop.
JACKIE GRAIL
That's weird. The truck just died.
Glenifer glances out the window looking nervously at the
skyline, which is an apocalyptic reddish colour.
GLENIFER
Does it usually quit like that?
JACKIE GRAIL
Never.
(pauses)
Don't worry though. Vageena
Nanabush, my Native Studies teacher
from grade eight, has a cottage not
too far from here on the
reservation.
(pauses)
We could get there before dark if
we start walking now.
Glenifer glances out the window again and the camera stays
focused on the disgustingly red skyline for a moment.
JACKIE GRAIL
What do YOU think?
GLENIFER
Yeah. I guess that's probably our
best bet.
Jackie Grail and Glenifer get out of the truck and gaze into
the distance. There is green grass for as far as the eye can
see.
JACKIE GRAIL
My grandmother used to tell me
stories about Unicorn's that roam
these parts.
GLENIFER
Really? I thought they weren't
real.
JACKIE GRAIL
I'm not sure if it's true or not,
but if they are, they're rather
illusive that's for sure.
(pauses)
I'd really like to see one if they
do in fact exist though.
GLENIFER
Maybe we should try calling one for
a ride.
JACKIE GRAIL
(laughs)
Yeah. As if.
Jackie Grail lets out a long whistle that echoes into the
distance. We then hear a horse far away, and then see it
running towards them in slow motion. Beautiful background
music begins to play.
JACKIE GRAIL
(under her breath)
Oh my God.
GLENIFER
Is that?
JACKIE GRAIL
(in awe)
I think so.
(pauses)
That is SO beautiful. It looks like
something out of a dream.
The unicorn gets up close and slows down to a stop. There is
a condom hanging over the horn and dangling over its eye.
Jackie Grail and Glenifer look at it in disgust.
GLENIFER
Ugh...
JACKIE GRAIL
Gross.
Jackie Grail picks up a stick off the ground and slowly
removes the condom off the unicorn's face. They then both
look at each other in extreme disgust.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Christine is wearing a business suit while driving in an
extremely nice car. She is nodding her head to the song
"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" by Diana Ross which begins to
play at the 51 second mark.
CHRISTINE
(talking to herself)
I finally made it. Got myself a
University degree, got my OWN car,
and my OWN house. Things are
finally starting to go my way.
(pauses)
It's gonna be a bright future,
Christine.
(pauses)
I bright future.
The second that Christine stops talking, an extremely bright
flash lights up the sky from behind her car. She looks in the
rear view mirror.
CHRISTINE
(confused)
What the...
Christine then jerks her head around to look behind her. The
sky is lit up in a bright red glow and the Horsemen appear
jumping up on their back legs on a cloud. They then begin
stampeding down towards Earth.
CHRISTINE
(accepting her fate)
That's about right...
Christine's car begins to veer to the left then flips over
and is swept away by a gust of atomic wind.
EXT. STREET - DAY
The street is in grid lock with people jumping over cars and
running down the side walks screaming.
MAN
(hysterical)
It's the end!!!
The Horsemen gallop around the corner and hop up on their
back legs so high it looks like they're going to fall
backwards.
HORSEMAN 1
There's nowhere to hide!
HORSEMAN 2
Nobody will escape the wrath!
Vincent comes running around the corner next, and then runs
beside the Horsemen.
VINCENT HALIFAX
(stares at a woman)
Get back here you bitch!! You can't
run from us!
Vincent continues running beside the Horsemen with a pissed
off face and the Horsemen look down at him confused while
maintaining their steady gallop.
HORSEMAN 3
Is he with us?
The Horsemen look at each other trying to remember if he is
or not. They then look down at Vincent and their facial
expressions turn pissed off.
HORSEMAN 4
Hell no.
VINCENT
What are you talking about!? They
told me to help you!
HORSEMAN 1
Who did?
The Horsemen glance at each other in confusion again. While
they do, Vincent veers off to the side and begins running
away from them.
HORSEMAN 2
Get him!!!
The Horsemen stop and jump up on their back legs.
HORSEMAN 3
Hey get back here!
HORSEMAN 4
Split up and cut him off! I want
him dead for that little stunt.
Vincent runs into a building that say's "Darla's Boxing Dojo"
above the doors.
INT. DARLA'S BOXING DOJO - DAY
Darla's Boxing Dojo has a boxing ring, and a bunch of
punching bag's hanging from the ceiling.
A guy who is wearing a baggy mesh t-shirt is running on a
tread mill with sweat pouring off his fore head. Let's call
him Dorian. We see a magazine on the front of his tread mill.
On the cover, it has a huge muscular woman doing a bicep curl
with her eyes bugging out of her head and veins popping up
out of her neck. The magazine is called "Psycho Fitness".
Vincent busts through the doors out of breath and runs into
the gym.
Dorian, keeping a steady pace on the tread mill, looks at
him.
DORIAN
Hey kid! You can't be in here! You
can get hurt.
VINCENT
(hysterical)
Man, don't you know what's going on
out there?!
DORIAN
What do you mean? What are you
talking about?
VINCENT
The Horsemen!
DORIAN
The what?
Horseman 3 kicks the door right off the hinges and comes
walking into the gym slow and calmly. It looks at Vincent and
then at Dorian.
VINCENT
That thing!
Dorian's jaw drops in shock while starring at the Horseman
speechless.
HORSEMAN 3
Well well well. What do we have
here?
DORIAN
Holy shit.
Dorian jumps off the tread mill and tries to run away. He can
barely run at all though because he's been running on the
tread mill all day and is dead tired. He is clutching his
chest while running, and barely makes it half way across the
room before Horseman 3 walks up behind him with a smirk on
it's face.
HORSEMAN 3
Where do you think YOU'RE going?
EXT. BACK ALLEY - DAY
We begin the scene to the sound of Dorian screaming in horror
as Vincent is coming out the back door of Darla's Boxing
Dojo. There is an old metal bench beside him and he pushes it
against the door in hopes that the Horseman won't be able to
come out that way. Vincent then looks up and down the alley
scared trying to think of what to do while catching his
breath.
A door opens a ways down the alley in an old church. Vincent
looks over while getting prepared to run when a Nun walks out
and looks at him. Her name is Sister Judy.
SISTER JUDY
Hurry my dear!
Vincent runs over to Sister Judy as she holds open the back
door to the church.
SISTER JUDY
You poor child. Come down into the
church shelter. You'll be safe.
INT. CHURCH STAIRWELL - DAY
Sister Judy leads Vincent down the church stairway into the
basement.
SISTER JUDY
Do not worry, child. For the Lord
will be with us on this day of
reckoning.
When they get down to the basement there are a bunch of other
Nuns sitting around candle light. They are helping injured
people and reading Bible's. They all look up at Vincent and
smile politely.
Oonis, Katherin, Cory, Christine, Aunty Karen, and Shine are
also down in the church shelter.
OONIS
It's Vincent!
AUNTY KAREN
Oh my God, we were getting so
worried about you.
KATHERIN
Are you alright?
VINCENT
I'm fine.
OONIS
Jackie Grail isn't with you?
VINCENT
No.
OONIS
Dear Lord.
AUNTY KAREN
She's a survivor, mom. I'm sure
she's just fine.
OONIS
I just wish she was here with us so
I could know for sure.
KATHERIN
Me too.
EXT. COTTAGE - DAY
Jackie Grail and Glenifer are tying up the Unicorn to a post
on a cottage porch.
GLENIFER
You think she's home?
JACKIE GRAIL
I hope so.
Just then, Vageena Nanabush walks out of the cottage. She is
a slim Native American woman with long black hair and is
extremely attractive.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Jackie?! Is that Jackie Grail on my
porch?
JACKIE GRAIL
Hi Vageena. We had car trouble. I
hope it's alright that we're here.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Of course, Jackie. Don't be
ridiculous. You are ALWAYS welcome
here.
JACKIE GRAIL
This is my friend Glenifer.
GLENIFER
Hi.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Vageena Nanabush. Nice to meet you.
(pauses)
Well come in, come in. Make
yourself at home. Me Casa es Su
Casa.
JACKIE GRAIL
Thanks.
INT. COTTAGE - DAY
Glenifer, Jackie Grail, and Vageena Nanabush come walking
into the cottage. It is a rustic looking cottage with a couch
made of old wool fabric in the middle of the living room.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
You have to excuse the mess. I've
really been meaning to clean this
place up.
(pauses)
Would you like something to drink?
JACKIE GRAIL
Sure. I'm dying for a glass of
water.
GLENIFER
Yeah, me too.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Alright. Two glasses of H2O coming
right up.
Vageena Nanabush walks into the kitchen while Glenifer and
Jackie Grail wait patiently.
GLENIFER
This is a nice place.
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah.
They walk over to the mantel and look at a picture of Vageena
Nanabush sky diving while playing a game boy.
Vageena Nanabush then comes walking up with two glasses of
water which she gives to them.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Here you go.
GLENIFER
Thanks.
JACKIE GRAIL
I see you went sky diving.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Oh yeah. Me and a couple of my
friends went last summer.
(pauses)
I found it kind of boring though,
so on the last jump I took my game
boy with me.
They all sit down.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
God, It's been so long since the
last time I saw you.
JACKIE GRAIL
Are you still persuing acting?
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Actually I am. I took some time off
from that teaching job I had a
couple years ago to follow my
dream. Then busted my ass off in
acting school only to get stuck
with some weird man woman for an
agent.
JACKIE GRAIL
Gross. So have you been in anything
recently?
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Yeah. I just finished filming a
commercial. Do you want to see it?
JACKIE GRAIL
Definitely.
Vageena Nanabush walks up to the television and puts in a VHS
tape.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
It's gonna be airing worldwide come
this fall. It should really put me
on the map this time.
JACKIE GRAIL
Cool.
The commercial begins to play on the television.
EXT. LAKE SIDE - DAY
(on television)
It is a commercial for a birth control product. It is a clear
sunny day with birds chirping. Vageena Nanabush and her
mother are sitting at a picnic table laughing and smiling.
She turns to the camera.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
You know, remembering to take the
pill everyday was always a hassle.
(pauses)
But now with Slutty 7 Day, it is SO
much easier.
Vageena Nanabush looks at her mother and smiles.
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
(on television)
Vageena Nanabush is being held up against a gross stained
wall behind a night club. The theme to "The Exorcist" is
playing.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
(coughs)
Don't use a condom, baby...
EXT. LAKE SIDE - DAY
(on television)
Vageena Nanabush is sitting at a picnic table in the park by
the lake with her mother again.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Now I only have to remember to take
it once a week.
Vageena Nanabush dishes out some potato salad onto a plate
and passes it over to her mother, then she has another
flashback.
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
(on television)
Vageena Nanabush is up against the gross stained wall behind
a night club again. The theme to "The Exorcist" is still
playing in the background.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
(screams)
Stick it inside me now!
Vageena Nanabush throws her head back violently in slow
motion.
EXT. LAKE SIDE - DAY
(on television)
Vageena Nanabush is at the park again with her mother, but
this time walking down by a lake. There are a bunch of baby
ducks swimming around and they toss some bread to them.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
(turns to the camera)
Slutty 7 Day.
(pauses)
It's just FUN.
INT. COTTAGE - DAY
Glenifer and Jackie Grail glance at each other with forced
smiles.
JACKIE GRAIL
That was good. I liked it.
GLENIFER
Me too. It was...
(looks at Jackie Grail)
JACKIE GRAIL
Really good.
GLENIFER
Yeah.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Thanks. I like it too. It's
probably my best work yet.
Vageena Nanabush ejects the VHS tape, and as she does, there
is a news broadcast on television.
EXT. STREET - DAY
(on television)
On the television, there is a female news reporter standing
in front of a group of people.
NEWS REPORTER
There have been mass reports of
Horsemen running through the
streets terrorizing people and
burning down buildings.
INT. COTTAGE - DAY
Vageena Nanabush and Jackie Grail look at each other in
shock. Glenifer on the other hand, looks completely calm but
pissed off.
EXT. STREET - DAY
(on television)
The news reporter walks up to a kid holding a home made sign
that says "Shimmy Shimmy Ya".
NEWS REPORTER
Excuse me, is it true that you had
a first hand encounter with one of
the Horsemen?
KID
Yeah. One of the Horsemen walked up
to me and looked me in the eyes and
said don't fuckin' tell.
NEWS REPORTER
(looks at camera)
Bullshit.
INT. COTTAGE - DAY
Vageena Nanabush, Glenifer, and Jackie Grail look at each
other with concern.
JACKIE GRAIL
Oh my God.
GLENIFER
We have to stop this.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
How are we supposed to do that?
GLENIFER
This is gonna sound crazy, but I
think I should tell you a little
something about myself and where I
came from.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - DAY
Vincent is sitting on the floor against the wall looking at a
book entitled "How To Gross People Out With Your Voice. By
Chris Tucker". A Nun named Sister Vicky walks past him in a
hurry carrying a first aid kit. Vincent looks up at her.
VINCENT
Oh hey! Did you find the water
bottles yet?
SISTER VICKY
(confused)
Uh... no?
VINCENT
(confused)
Oh. Maybe it wasn't you I was
talking to earlier.
SISTER VICKY
I don't think so.
Sister Vicky continues on her way and hurry's off to the
other side of the shelter to tend to a sick child. She puts a
wet rag over the child's fore head.
SISTER VICKY
I think your fever is getting
better.
(pauses)
How do you feel?
SICK CHILD
I'm feeling a lot better now.
SISTER VICKY
Great. That's good to hear.
A little ways over we see another nun rummaging through some
old boxes. Her name is Sister Debbie. She pulls some water
bottles out of a box and turns around. She is the most
heinously ugly woman ever.
SISTER DEBBIE
Here they are! I knew the water
bottles were in here.
Sister Vicky turns around with her mouth open completely
disgusted and horrified.
SISTER VICKY
Oh my God, that kid had me mistaken
for HER?
Sister Vicky remains with her mouth open watching as Sister
Debbie walks away with the water bottles.
SISTER DEBBIE
Does anybody need any water
bottles?
VINCENT
Oh you found them?
SISTER DEBBIE
(relieved)
Yeah, finally.
EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
It is dark outside an old abandoned warehouse, and we can see
silhouette's of Glenifer, Jackie Grail, and Vageena Nanabush
walking around on the top floor. In the distance we can see
the lights of a near by city.
JACKIE GRAIL
(voice over)
Are you sure this is a good plan?
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Inside, Glenifer is sitting at a table cleaning a sniper
rifle when Jackie Grail comes walking up to him.
GLENIFER
The Horsemen seem to be staying
close to the only bridge out of
town to make sure nobody can leave.
(pauses)
We're close enough to the city for
me to snipe them off from here.
(pauses)
Any closer and we'll ruin our
chances of getting the jump on
them.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Alright, let's make it happen then.
(pauses)
Jackie Grail and I are behind you
one hundred percent. Just let us
know what we can do to help.
GLENIFER
Thanks.
JACKIE GRAIL
You know I wouldn't have believed
you if there wasn't footage of
those Horsemen running around on
every news channel.
GLENIFER
Sorry for keeping you in the dark,
but I knew you wouldn't have.
The disturbing sound of Horse shoes calmly walking on the
hardwood floor is heard. Glenifer, Jackie Grail, and Vageena
Nanabush glance at each other and then we see Horseman 1 walk
into the room.
HORSEMAN 1
What's this? A little party without
me?
JACKIE GRAIL
Oh my God.
HORSEMAN 1
I thought you would have learned by
now.
(pauses)
And perhaps if you didn't turn the
lights on in this place you would
have succeeded.
(pauses)
But that's just typical Glenifer
isn't it?
Vageena Nanabush holds up her hands with her palms facing the
Horseman.
VAGEENA NANABUSH
Okay easy now. Let's try work this
out.
Horseman 1 turns to Vageena Nanabush.
HORSEMAN 1
I see he succeeded in convincing
you to help him.
(pauses)
But come on now. You didn't really
think it was gonna be that easy did
you?
VAGEENA NANABUSH
(smirks)
You know for a minute there, yeah.
I did.
Vageena Nanabush takes off running as fast as she can across
the room and out the door. The camera moves up and focuses on
the exit sign above.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - NIGHT
Sister Debbie is leading Stock and Kwon through the shelter.
STOCK
(turns to Kwon)
Thank God everybody down here is...
(whispers)
White.
Shrine turns around.
SHRINE
Fool I ain't white!
Stock and Kwon flinch, and then Sister Debbie walks up to
Vincent.
SISTER DEBBIE
Do you like to read books, Vincent?
VINCENT HALIFAX
Yeah. My mom actually writes
novels.
SISTER DEBBIE
(intrigued)
Really?
VINCENT HALIFAX
Yeah.
SISTER DEBBIE
What has she written?
VINCENT HALIFAX
Her last book was called, "If I
Live To See Tomorrow, Don't Wake Me
Up Until Late Afternoon."
SISTER DEBBIE
Oh...
(pauses)
Well, your grandmother is reading a
story to the kids. You should go
join them.
VINCENT HALIFAX
Okay.
Vincent walks over to where Oonis is sitting in front of a
bunch of kids. She is reading in a high child type voice with
lots of emphasis to make it sound interesting.
OONIS
(reads from book)
There was a legend of a sword. And
it had been reported for years and
years that it was at the bottom of
a lake near the north side of town.
Oonis looks at the children.
OONIS
(reads from book)
For years and years people in the
town had wondered if the legend was
true, but nobody EVER searched the
lake.
Oonis looks at the children.
OONIS
(reads from book)
For years and years there was talk
about the origin of the sword and
where it had came from, but nothing
had ever been confirmed.
Oonis looks at the children.
OONIS
(reads from book)
An old lady who lived by the lake
who was originally from another
town told a reporter that she
didn't really know anything about
the sword, but had once overheard
some people talking about it.
Oonis looks at the children.
OONIS
(reads from book)
The story goes, is that she was
walking down on the beach in the
morning and heard "sword" mumbled
from the dock where some campers
were unloading their boat.
Oonis looks at the children.
OONIS
(reads from book)
The lady, who's name was Loraine,
has since died but is survived by
her daughter Vanessa who makes bath
bombs in B.C.
Oonis looks at the children and then all of the children look
at each other confused.
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Glenifer and Jackie Grail are in a room with tables blocking
the door. In the background are the disturbing screams of the
Horsemen.
GLENIFER
We gotta get out of here.
Jackie Grail glances in the direction of the disturbing
screams of the Horsemen.
JACKIE GRAIL
Yup.
HORSEMAN 2
(yells from other room)
The shit out of them!!
Glenifer and Jackie Grail glance at each other with concern.
A smoke bomb then smashes through the window of the door. The
room quickly becomes extremely thick with smoke and nothing
can be seen for a moment.
The smoke begins to settle and the song "Always" by Bon Jovi
fades in. We are then able to see through the smoke and there
are junior high school kids slow dancing to the song.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - NIGHT
Everybody in the basement is eating from cans with spoons.
Sister Vicky walks up to the children at a play area that has
monkey bars set up. On them, a husky little girl is hanging
upside down. She is wearing a tight white shirt that has a
faded rainbow on it. Also, part of her belly is showing since
she is hanging upside down. Her name is Maria.
SISTER VICKY
Would you kids like some more to
eat?
CHILD 1
I'm full.
CHILD 2
Me too.
MARIA
(snobby)
I want some more marichino
cherries.
SISTER VICKY
I'm pretty sure that we're all out
of those. Sorry.
Maria breaths out loudly while scrunching up her face.
MARIA
(snobby)
Because you probably ate them
yourself.
Sister Vicky smiles politely and then pushes Maria's face
back until she falls off of the monkey bars.
We then see Oonis, Katherin, Aunty Karen, Shrine, Cory and
Christine watching the television.
AUNTY KAREN
Could you turn it up a bit?
CORY
I got it.
Cory turns the television up, and on it we see;
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
(on television)
We see a little boy sitting at a kitchen table eating french
fries extremely cute while a guy does narration. Let's call
him Vinny.
VINNY
(Voice Over)
This is me back in 1987 enjoying my
Mclayn Super Fries...
EXT. POV AVE - EVENING
(on television)
We then see Vinny standing on the corner of Pov Ave and
Prostitution Alley starring at the camera extremely serious.
He is about 20 years old. He is standing with three extremely
slutty hookers who are licking their lips and rubbing his
chest.
He stares at the camera dead serious, and says;
VINNY
Mclayn Super Fries.
INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT
(on television)
A news reporter is sitting at a desk.
NEWS REPORTER
This just in. The Horsemen strike
again.
(pauses)
They are lighting an old abandoned
warehouse on fire just outside the
city.
(pauses)
People are reported to be inside.
EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
(on television)
Another news reporter is on the scene talking to the camera.
We can see the abandoned warehouse on fire in the background.
NEWS REPORTER 2
It is an absolutely horrid scene
out here.
The camera jerkily focuses in on the Horsemen as they come
running out of the abandoned warehouse. Then we see a top
floor window smash and Glenifer and Jackie Grail look out
trying to figure out how to get out.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - NIGHT
OONIS
That's Jackie Grail!
KATHERIN
Dear Lord. We have to do something.
Shrine stares at the television calmly shaking his head and
sucking his teeth.
SHRINE
It's time for me to handle this
myself. You know what I'm saying?
OONIS
What are you gonna do?
Shrine pulls out a handgun from his waistline and cocks it.
SHRINE
Start the mini van, Karen. I'm
about to set it on these horses.
AUNTY KAREN
Shrine, no. You swore to me that
night those drug dealers you once
trusted began to push you.
Aunty Karen glances upward and goes into a flashback.
EXT. DARK ALLEY - NIGHT
Shrine is standing in a dark alley with shady individuals
approaching him. They stare at each other in an awkward
silence and then one of them shoves Shrine.
DRUG DEALER 1
Push him!!!
SHRINE
(almost crying)
Quit it!
DRUG DEALER 2
What are you gonna cry?
DRUG DEALER 3
He's gonna cry.
We then see a tear drop roll down Shrine's face.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - NIGHT
Aunty Karen comes out of the flashback and everybody looks at
Shrine as he tries to laugh it off unsuccessfully.
SHRINE
That's not how it happened.
EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Glenifer looks badly hurt as Horseman 1 has him cornered
against the abandoned warehouse. The rest of the Horsemen are
standing around them holding Jackie Grail back.
HORSEMAN 1
We finally got you.
HORSEMAN 2
What? You thought you were just
gonna stop our plans like that?
GLENIFER
Somebody has to.
HORSEMAN 2
Yeah? Well we'll just see about
that won't we?
(pauses)
Now it looks like we're gonna have
to crush your voice box again.
Horseman 2 kicks Glenifer up against a wall and he falls to
the ground.
JACKIE GRAIL
Leave him alone!
HORSEMAN 3
(turns to Jackie Grail)
Shut up! You're next.
Horseman 2 hovers his foot over Glenifer's throat.
HORSEMAN 2
I'm gonna enjoy this.
From a ways away, a light blue mini van comes driving towards
the Horsemen. The song "Body Count Anthem" on the Body Count
CD begins playing.
HORSEMAN 2
Now what?
HORSEMAN 4
There's a van coming.
HORSEMAN 2
Well deal with it. Nobody leaves
town.
The Horsemen look on at the mini van and see that it is Aunty
Karen driving it.
HORSEMAN 4
Looks like somebody forgot to tell
that bitch soccer practice got
cancelled.
At the 32 second mark of the Body Count Anthem, Aunty Karen
is close enough to the Horsemen to start slowing down. Shrine
then slides the mini van door open and sprays up the Horsemen
with a machine gun. The Horsemen fall to the ground except
for Horseman 1 who spreads it's wings and jumps 50 feet into
the air.
SHRINE
Motherfucker!!
Jackie Grail helps Glenifer walk over to the mini van and get
in.
AUNTY KAREN
Are you all right?
JACKIE GRAIL
Glenifer's hurt.
AUNTY KAREN
We're gonna have to get him to a
hospital.
Horseman 1 swoops around the mini van like a vulture.
SHRINE
Oh you want some of this too?
HORSEMAN 1
How about you put down the gun and
we fight it out to the death?
(pauses)
Unless...
SHRINE
(interrupts)
Unless what? I ain't no punk.
Shrine drops his machine gun on the ground and puts up his
fists.
SHRINE
Let's do this.
AUNTY KAREN
Shrine no!
SHRINE
Get ready for me to bomb these
fists on that ugly mane.
Horseman 1 lands on the ground and slowly begins to walk
towards Shrine breathing deeply. It then jumps up on it's
back legs and screams ultra disturbingly.
SHRINE
Damn.
Horseman 1 begins to gallop towards Shrine.
HORSEMAN 1
The shit out of you!!!
Shrine looks scared and glances back at the machine gun on
the ground.
SHRINE
On second thought...
Shrine slides the machine gun closer with his foot, picks it
up, and then shoots Horseman 1 for a good 15 seconds. He then
jumps into the mini van.
SHRINE
Come on, let's be up out this
piece!
Aunty Karen floors it and they peel out.
INT. HOSPITAL HALL - DAY
In the hospital hallway, a nurse is mopping the floor which
is completely wet and shiny. At the end of the hallway, a
very old woman is walking towards her slowly. The camera
stays focused on the nurse mopping the floor for a minute
until the old woman gets right up close. When she does get up
close, the nurse turns around not expecting to see her.
NURSE
Oh watch. The floor is wet.
The old woman begins to try and walk past the nurse on the
freshly mopped floor. As she does, she slips and her legs
spread out until she does the splits and falls on her back.
As she does the splits there is a loud squeak from her shoes
sliding across the floor. A sitcom laugh track plays as she
hits the floor.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Glenifer is laying in a hospital bed surrounded by Jackie
Grail, Katherin, and Oonis. On the other side of the room
there is an extremely old man sitting on the edge of his bed
talking with his two young granddaughters named Meg and Tori.
TORI
I was beginning to think you were
never going to come out of that
coma.
MEG
50 years in a coma...
(pauses)
What was it like?
The old man slowly gets off the bed and walks over to a
mirror. Everybody in the room glances over at him with blank
facial expressions. The old man stares at his reflection for
a moment.
OLD MAN
I'm so old.
MEG
You can still enjoy the rest of
your life though...
(looks at Tori)
Can't he?
TORI
(shrugs shoulders)
I don't know?
The old man continues to stare at his old reflection.
OLD MAN
Why bother?
Everybody in the room remains in an awkward silence for a
moment. Katherin then slowly pulls the curtain that separates
them in the middle of the room. As she does, the old man,
Meg, and Tori look at her with blank facial expressions
making it even more awkward. Katherin finishes pulling out
the curtain and then turns to everybody.
KATHERIN
Talk about sleeping in...
JACKIE GRAIL
Can you hear us, Glenifer?
Glenifer, who can barely talk, looks up at Jackie Grail.
GLENIFER
Yes.
JACKIE GRAIL
We stopped the Horsemen. Everything
is gonna be alright now.
OONIS
Yes. Thank God for THAT blessing.
JACKIE GRAIL
You're gonna pull through this,
Glenifer. I know it.
GLENIFER
I'm not so sure about that.
JACKIE GRAIL
No. Don't talk like that.
GLENIFER
I just wish I had time to hit the
gym for a couple weeks before I
pass on.
JACKIE GRAIL
Why?
GLENIFER
It's just something we used to do
back home.
OONIS
Where ARE you from anyway?
Jackie Grail and Glenifer make suspicious eye contact.
GLENIFER
Lets just say I'm from a place that
has shirtless funerals if you're
ripped enough.
Everybody except for Glenifer glances at each other
awkwardly.
Christine and Cory come walking into the room. Christine is
holding a tray with cocktails on it. Everybody turns around.
CORY
Hey you guys.
CHRISTINE
Traffic was so bad.
CORY
Yeah. Most of the streets are still
blocked off.
KATHERIN
It's gonna be a huge cleanup ahead
that's for sure.
CHRISTINE
We stopped and bought some
cocktails for everyone.
OONIS
Oh. That's a nice little treat.
Glenifer slowly lifts his head to look at the tray of
cocktails.
GLENIFER
(last words)
mmmmmm, cock--
Glenifer's eyes close and his head falls against the pillow
before he can finish the word cocktails. He looks to be dead
and there is an awkward silence for a moment as they all look
at him concerned.
OONIS
What did he say?
INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
The song "Time Keeps On Slipping" by Del The Funky Homosapian
begins playing softly at the 3:20 mark as soon as the scene
starts. Glenifer's casket is up at the front of the funeral
home.
We then see Oonis, Katherin, Jackie Grail, and Vincent come
walking in.
JACKIE GRAIL
Would it be alright if I go up and
have a moment alone with him?
KATHERIN
Of course.
JACKIE GRAIL
Thanks.
Jackie Grail walks away while Aunty Karen and Shrine come
walking in next.
AUNTY KAREN
(takes off sunglasses)
We made it.
Aunty Karen looks at Oonis who seems to have something on her
mind.
AUNTY KAREN
Are you okay, mom?
OONIS
(snaps out of it)
What? Oh. Yeah I was just thinking
about something...
Oonis looks off into the distance as she goes into a
flashback that is of a scene from Christine's wedding.
EXT. DEATH VALLEY - DAY
Patricia and Glenifer are looking at Oonis not knowing how to
react to a story she just told. Katherin on the other hand,
seems to be immune to her stories.
PATRICIA
(uneasy)
What's with all the flashbacks?
INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY
Oonis comes out of the flashback and everybody kind of shakes
their heads with impatience for her. Then we hear Shrine
mumble "Fuck her up".
AUNTY KAREN
How's Jackie doing?
KATHERIN
I think she'll be okay in due time.
Just have to wait out the healing
process.
AUNTY KAREN
Yeah. Some things are extremely
hard to get over.
Aunty Karen puts her hand on Oonis' shoulder as they stand in
mourning. Vincent then puts his hand on Aunty Karen's
shoulder. Aunty Karen looks at him and pulls away awkwardly
gagging ultra loud.
We then see Jackie Grail standing beside Glenifer's casket
turn around to the sound of Aunty Karen gagging. She then
turns back to the casket.
JACKIE GRAIL
I guess this is where I try come up
with some kind of resolution to end
your life story with.
(pauses)
It's not fair that you had to die.
(pauses)
I just wish that it didn't have to
end this way.
Christine walks up wearing her wedding dress with a black arm
band. She puts her hand on Jackie Grail's shoulder.
CHRISTINE
Are you alright?
JACKIE GRAIL
I'm not sure. It just hurts so bad.
CHRISTINE
Don't worry. In a couple of weeks
we won't even remember him.
Christine goes and sits down with everybody else while Jackie
Grail walks up to the podium. She stands there quietly for a
moment trying to gather her thoughts before speaking.
JACKIE GRAIL
I suppose we are only left with
memories.
(pauses)
And this only picture of him at
Christine's wedding.
Jackie Grail holds up a huge picture that was taken at the
wedding. He is standing in line waiting for a piece of cake,
but we clearly see that there will not be enough to go
around.
JACKIE GRAIL
Waiting in line to get a piece of
wedding cake, unaware that there
wasn't enough to go around.
Oonis puts her hand on her chest and closes her eyes.
JACKIE GRAIL
So here's to you, Glenifer.
(pauses)
May there be a piece left for you
in Heaven.
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
Shrine is helping Oonis step out the sliding door of the mini
van while Aunty Karen and Katherin are lifting some boxes out
of the back.
OONIS
Thank you Shrine.
SHRINE
No problem.
AUNTY KAREN
Shrine, could you help us carry in
these scented candles?
SHRINE
Aight.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Jackie Grail is sitting at the table drinking a glass of milk
and Christine is standing by the counter.
JACKIE GRAIL
So yeah, I just got off the phone
with Molest. She said everybody's
alright.
CHRISTINE
Thank God.
JACKIE GRAIL
It's been one heck of a ride hasn't
it?
CHRISTINE
Tell me about it.
JACKIE GRAIL
I'm just glad it's over.
There is a momentary silence and Jackie Grail takes a sip of
her milk.
CHRISTINE
That was a really nice speech you
made at the funeral.
(pauses)
I really liked it.
JACKIE GRAIL
Thanks Christine.
CHRISTINE
You know Jackie, we've been apart
for so long since I've been away at
University.
(pauses)
We really need to catch up.
JACKIE GRAIL
Yeah. I've been thinking the same
thing myself.
CHRISTINE
I miss those times we spent staying
up all night just talking.
JACKIE GRAIL
Me too.
CHRISTINE
Come on, let's go sit on the lawn
chairs in the back yard. It's nice
out.
JACKIE GRAIL
Alright.
Christine puts her hand on Jackie Grail's shoulder and they
begin to walk out of the kitchen.
CHRISTINE
These past couple days have really
put in perspective how fragile life
is.
JACKIE GRAIL
I agree.
CHRISTINE
We need to celebrate every moment
of it.
As soon as Christine and Jackie Grail walk out of the
kitchen, the song "Puttin' On The Ritz" by Taco begins to
play.
We then see a rope being thrown from out the cupboard and The
Rapist In The Cupboard slides down and starts dancing extra
perverted while ever continueing to brush his hair away from
his face. He dances for a bit and then he looks up while
cringing as the music suddenly stops. We then see from his
point of view, Oonis slamming down a dish towel.
As soon as the dish towel slams down against the camera view
of The Rapist In The Cupboard, the screen goes black and the
song "The Writz" by Gift Of Gab begins to play.
THE END.
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