JUPITER, FL. (AP) -- Today at a press conference at their Florida Spring Training complex, the St. Louis Cardinals took aim at some of their NL Central counterparts. The team addressed the Houston Astros, but mostly directed their comments toward the Chicago Cubs, their bitter rivals.
When asked how confident he felt about the team's chances following the offseason acquisitions of Houston and Chicago, Cardinals manager Tony La Russa replied "I guarantee that when we get ready to play, people will be talking about us like they're talking about the teams that made all those moves. I guarantee the 2004 Cardinals will uphold the Cardinal tradition."
La Russa went on to say, "In fact, we aren't worried about the Cubs or Astros in the least. Why would we be? The Astros belong in a f--king retirement home, and the Cubs are all clearly gay. And just let me say right now: Dusty, I haven't forgotten that s--t you were talking at Wrigley last September. You're going to swallow that f--king toothpick, you little f----t! I'll f--k you up! The only reason I didn't then is because I was sickened by the overwhelming smell of a-- and urine at that f--king s--thole of a stadium."
Batting champion Albert Pujols echoed his manager's sentiments. "I don't understand this hype about the Cubs pitching. Mark Prior? What a f--king sissy. Don't you know the numbers I put up against that f----t? Didn't you see that choke job against the Marlins? They suck a--! The f--cking St. Louis Cardinals are supposed to be worried about that gang of f----ts? Give me a f--king break."
"F--k Sammy Sosa," Pujols continued. "'Dominican Daddy?' More like 'Dominican D--k Sucker.' I'm from the Dominican Republic. I know what's going on with him. He sucks the d--ks of five year old boys. No amount of cork in his bat is going to help those f--king q---rs. I also find it incredibly gay that their frat boy fans copied our fans' 'Drew' thing with that stupid 'Alou' s--t. I mean, they were holding signs that said 'Alou-ou-ou-ou-ou'. How retarded are they? Alou looks like he's f--king handicapped. And Randall Simon, when I see you, I'm going to beat your fat f--king ass. Hitting a f--king teenage girl? What the f--k is wrong with you?"
Another one of the Cardinals' Latin stars didn't hesitate to poke fun at the "Loveable Losers" either, despite his limited english vocabulary.
"Las Cubs y Astros son niñas. ¡Ellas no pueden joder con nosotros! Las Cubs y sus admiradores borrachos ignorantes morirán sin una World Series. Sus niños morirán sin una World Series con las Cubs. Los hombres quién admira las Cubs son homosexuales, y las mujeres que quién las admiran son mujerzuelas sin valor. ¡Jódalos! ¡Y jode el Astros también, esos procreó en consanguinidad los pedazos de mierda!" said Colombian short-stop Edgar Renteria.
"All I got to f--king say is, Jeff F--well, Craig B---hio, C--ktavio Dotel - ya'll can suck my d--k!," laughed outfielder Jim Edmonds.
The Cubs haven't won a series in St. Louis in over five years and Matt Morris, the final Cardinal to address the media, was confident it would stay that way.
"Yeah, it's going to be six seasons and counting. Kerry [Robinson, St. Louis outfielder] bats like he's Barry Bonds against those clowns. They aren't even close to hitting the ball when I pitch. They're pathetic," said Morris, smiling.
"That's all they do every season - find new ways to lose. There's a reason why all their fans are alcoholics."