its snowing!
Mood:  bright
get stoned
watch the snow
be happy!

full circle
I've been full of beans, I've been scrambling around on the floor looking for pills. I gaze down on myself from the top corner of my room thinking isnt it strange how things always come full circle?
I cant touch my own skin. I spit my words out with sheer disgust at my pathetic state. my id has escaped to the space far off behind my head where all the physicalities seem just distant enough to bare. From here I cant care about anyone outside myself, or their opinions or feelings.
I can be so cruel from here.
I can numbingly hack myself up from here.
I argue the possibilities of having to justify actions to others with the last breathe of sense my body snatches at. Its light and flighty blowing around in the vacant storm in my head.
Why has this vacancy snuck into my psyche again? How did I miss it for so long?
I would be lieing if I said I hadnt known this was coming, but it never fails to take me by suprise thrusting me backwards into a space I know only too well. Denying the inevitable is the only choice when feeling my everyday sense of self slip. If only there was another way.
I have prescriptions politely awaiting me at the chemist. We'll see how long it takes before I get bored of them again, their temporary artificial colours seem to fade with elongated dosage.
This is the first thing I've been able to concentrate on for longer than I can remember.
I cant move my legs.
I cant go back to bed.
Everyday I get up and get ready and painstakingly dress myself and my hair and my face. And then I sit and wait for life to come get me. For something to happen. I wont leave the flat without due cause though. No way José! I am so lonely but I'm too much for company. I need to be free from whatever it is thats holding onto me. I feel pinned down physically while my mind catches in the wind and dances between functioning on caffiene and painful silence.

My mum just called. She says shes coming up tomorrow.

pacman!
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: avenged sevenfold - betrayed

"shut your heart, cos I dont care for it, memory is losing order..."

Angsty!

I'm looking forward to the next wee while should be a blast and a half!

I need to make my costume[s]

1 scary clown and one alice coming up!

L x

Can it be that everything goes round by chance?
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: jimmy eat world
I havent posted in a while - the reasons for which are
too long and complicated to explain here.
The full moon fell a day or so ago and with it a change
in attitude decended upon me. we get but one chance on
this big hurtling orb, just one chance to fulfil any
aspirations we may have, just one to take on the world
and whatever it throws at us or we choose to pass us by.
Some things that are done with should be left that way,
the joy of the past cannot be relived, only re-enacted.
Like some crude un-comfortable puppet show that
sweeps its audience and puppets along the same story time and time again.
I can never walk away from all those dusty memories completely,
thats not the way my strings are tied.
Its inevitable that I find myself tangled and
have to bring out the metaphorical scissors of melodrama.

But its not like me to be so negative,
perhaps the severing action relates more to emotional binds,
like a silvery knight sword brandished,
ready to chop through the bullshit like the fairytale depends on it!
Time to grow up?
Pack the toys and books into trunks in the metaphorical attic,
never to be toyed with again but forever knowing they are in existence even
when reduced to dust remaining very much in my memory.
From the dusts of time I gain new found self assurance,
I find promise and hope, from the ashes springs a pheonix as it were.

My only concern is for people I have loved losing sight of their hope. They are beautiful.
Whether they wish me well or not I wish every joy. I can feel my heart swell with the love I still hold.
I never really let go - hence the neverending story.
Beautiful creature with sprawling unraveling imagintation.
Now theres a dangerous toy.


And with that I turn to show tunes -
"theres revel in your manner and your speech,
you may be from manhatten but georgia never had a sweeter peach"

My life has been so full of love.
For that I consider myself forever blessed.