hmm acclaim has its drawbacks
Tue, Feb. 25th, 2003, 06:12 pm
oh yeah....
for those of you that think my live journal is boring...*cough**example:meagan**cough*...dont read it! :) have a nice day! :P

thanks sara...thanks a lot

what do you know? i do get mentioned in ppls live journals...thats what i get for not reading it i guess. dont remember ever having said that it was boring...oh well. i am a frigid bitch after all its not outside the realm of possibility.
so yeah always fun to skim through a friends live journal and find that theyre saying not nice things about yoy...even if it is pretty minor.
hmm "mike's" daughter doesnt have Lukemia and thats good. im really happy for both of them.
...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
i hate everything today. today was a total waste of my life...not that im doing anything real special with it. i dont know why i bother caring about stuff...i hate Bush, i hate this damn war, i hate the partial birth abortion ban...but who cares? no one thats who
i care and im not enough
im so tired of never being enough for anything...im always falling short and dissapointing ppl
cant you bastards ever just be happy with me for once? cant i ever just feel proud of something? would be so bad if i could hold my head up high for just one day?
im trying to make everyone happy and no one is happy and maybe its my fault and maybe its not but it doesnt matter cause everyone seems to derive some kinf od perverse pleasure from making me think its all my fault. or maybe its jsut me. maybe im just a victim of my own head...what kind of fucking nut plays head games with themself? great a whole other kinda crazy to add to the list.
i hate you david i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
so much has happened and i want so badly to go back to being blind and thinking that i actually do love you but i cant cause youre a horrible horrible bastard and you dont really want me anyway...you only wanted me cause lisa didnt want you and you still want her
it doesnt matter how much i give you or how much ive given you in the past...it never matters. it didnt matter before, and it doesnt matter now. why doesnt it matter?
how dare you complain to me about how much you put into lisa? cant you see me on my knees before you begging for the smallest acknowledgment? cant you see that everytime you say something, you rip my heart out and step on it? cant you see me crying and screaming? cant you? no you cant in order to see it youd have to think of someone besides you first...but its really my fault for always letting you put yourself first and caring too much.
im so tired of caring about everyone and not getting anything back...i know i get -something- back but its damn hard to see it.
someday im going to give up and no one is going to miss me until they need me to do something for them or need me to listen to them bitch.
im so tired of feeling like this. i never have a good day. i had a good day today but i got home today and david wouldnt shut up about his fucking braces and about lisa not wanting him (if hes with me then what does it matter what she does? see my emotions are invisible. just call me mrs. cellophane)
i wonder if anyone actually reads these rants...if someone out there is reading...im sorry....something about this makes me just wanna say it all cause i cant see that look on your face.

i guess i just want someone to think of me first...hi meagan, how was your day? oh it was bad? im sorry. is there anything i can do? please let me help...
if i can do it for oother ppl even on those days when my soul is an abyss, why cant anyone do it for me ever?
eh im done
bye

come on baby make it hurt so good
hmm...well its been a couple weeks...but stop bitching...at least it hasnt been a couple months :P
im soooooo blah these days. i just want to hide away for a while. i just dont give a fuck about anything anymore.
not mom, not heather, not daddy, not school, not david, just nothing! i dont care about shit.
i just wanna go be brain dead. i mean what have i got going for me? dont answer that i know i have a lot that a lot of ppl would kill for and it could sooooooooooo be like so much worse.
but you know what? its not worse. its jsut what it is. and worse or not i still gotta deal with it. i guess i was wrong...its not that i dont care about anything, its that i care about everything. i just dont want to care anymore...but istill do...i always do.
i worry till i cant live inside my head anymore and for what? if no one else is this worried then why should i be? hmmm someone please tell me why i have to be the way i am.
i feel like i cant do anything and im doing everything all at the same time. i feel like im just gonna fall over one day and no ones gonna notice until they need me to do something for them and then ill get yelled at for being so damn selfish.
i know im selfish. im sorry i really am and i try hard to forget about myself now and then but im always on my mind...then again everything else is always on my mind. i just wish i could be less selfish. its my fault things didnt work with david. i let him do those things i hated...i waited so long to say anything. i deserve to get walked all over when im dumb enough to let ppl do it.
and yet at the same time i know thats not true. i know im not that selfish i spend a ton of time thinking about everyone and forgetting i have needs. and i know david had no right to take advantage of me and treat me the way he did. just cause i didnt do enough to stop him doesnt make it ok...two wrongs dont make a right.
i just feel like something is just so wrong with me. i chased away ikaika...i guess...i dunno i miss him...youd think id just suck it up and get over it by now but nooooooooo. like always i have to dwell on it till im dead.
i dunno what happened with andrew...i still miss him somtimes. well i miss the him i fell so hard for...we were a great example of "misery loves comapny" he and i were always miserable but i think we liked it that way.
i miss charlie i guess...i wish things had at least ended differently. i was soooo in love with him for a lil while then i dont really know what changed but i wish he hadnt just let me go so easily...
i always seem to come out of these relationships feeling like i put forth way too much effort. like with david...what DIDNT i do for that boy? i gave him everything and he had no problem with taking it all and then he balks at the idea of giving it back.
i hate myself so much for still wanting to take him back. i think its that im still in love with an us that never was but for some reason is burned into my memory. like im grasping for a relationship that never got any closer to being real than my hopes and dreams. its also my pride...i cant stand to let him win a damn argument so we always end up back together....i bet if he read my blog mroe often hed have broken up with me a long time ago. i think i let my crazy come out here cause no one reads it...i guess id still elt it out here even if someone did actually read it.
i dunno for some reason i just feel like letting all my crazy come out here. youll just have you deal.
i hate david so much right now...i was doing soooo well as far as getting over him. id made such good progress in such a short time then he had to do that thing last night with the blah blah blah i still wanna be with you, i love you blah blah blah. then tonight in the space of like 5-10 minutes he went from "honey lets be friends" to "i need you, not even sexually, just emotionally." aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
just fuck me and fuck you and fuck everybody i was so numb and now it all hurts again

"just when i thought i was going to be ok, you come along and take it all back again"
ok thats enough rambling for now...i just dont feel like it anymore
bye bye

"i soaked all your pictures with gasoline
i prayed for a miracle
but the phone never rang
i cried on the front porch
and i cursed your name
i waited till sundown
and then i lit the flame
oh im tryin to get over you
but the further
the further away i move
every lil bit hurts
ohhhh yeah
every little bit hurts
oh yes it does"

halloween...he dumped me on halloween (2003). after all the shit he put me through trying to get me to agree to this relationship in the first place...he dumped me.

David says:
Meagan
Sin Incarnate says:
david
David says:
If you truly believe I do not love and care for you
David says:
Then yes, I want to break up and I want you to find someone who makes you feel loved and cared for.
David says:
If I am just bringing you pain
David says:
By all means, let us end this.
Sin Incarnate says:
i dont understand how i can want so badly to make you happy and you dont even want to try

what bullshit...

David says:
Yes dear, I want to break up with you.
David says:
Not because you have done anything wrong.
David says:
Not because any girl is after me and I want them more than you.
David says:
But because your e-mail basically said what was needed to have been said.
David says:
And I hurt you, and I don't try to, and I have tried to fix it to no avail.
David says:
So I am going to break up with you now instead of hurting you far more.

seriously...suh bullshit. on friday his story was there wasnt a girl he wanted more than me....on saturday...surprise surprise there was this lisa chick...

ugh i hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it that he actually hurt me. how could i have grown so attatched to such a loser? how can i actually be heart broken over him? he fucked me over and im still hurt...i mean today was the first day i got through w/o crying and ive been close to tears all day and theres no promise i wont cry before i make it to bed tonight. i cant stand it that im actually this heart broken over him.
i know its silly believe me i know it...but two weeks ago we were seriously talking about marriage and planning our lives together now he's talking about marrying her...i just feel SO stupid
he said "trust me and love me and i wont ever hurt you" what kind of loser am i? i believed him...i really tried so hard to believe.
since last friday when it happened ive been everywhere from from begging him to take me back to wanting to slash his tires and pour sugar in his gas tank. i will go to my grave hating myself for begging and pleading with him. talk about a dehumanizing display.
but yesterday on tuesday i actually had a pretty good day cause monday night i met justin...we'll see if there is more to tell about him later...but whatever happens with him...he made me feel really really good on tuesday.

"i aint missed a day of work in two whole weeks
i didnt drink last night
looked at your picture
shed just one tear
before i turned out the light
i have a good day every now and then
i count my blessings on one hand
i start believing the sun will shine again
i have a good day every now and then"

im healing...i am...but i reserve the right to a broken heart for a while. im tired today and i think thats the main reason its getting me down a lot more today. i dunno im trying to figure out why it still hurts as much as it does even tho i know hes a jackass and he doesnt deserve me...
i put a lot of faith in david and he let me down in a really big way...its not really fair that i chose him of all ppl to believe in but its like now i question everything. like now i just dont wanna believe in myself or anyone else.
eh i lost my energy for posting...ill probly come back and complain more sometime soon...
bye

Deuteronomy
"'and moses was an hundred and twenty years old when he died: his eye was not dim, nor his natural force abated.'"
-the king james version of the bible

"his moisture was not fled"
litera hebrew to english translation from the torah

so basically the christians say of moses that even when he died we was still every bit the great man he had been in his prime...the jews however....the jews, moses' own people say of him...he could still function in bed...just a lil food for thought.

Oy Vey
you know life is never as much fun when you are waiting for your pain meds yo kick in.
so i had all four of my poor cute lil wisdom toothies pulled on saturday morning (oct 4th 2003 9:30ish am) and WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH no es bueno es muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy muy malo. it hurts. not only does it hurt but im starving to death cause i cant chew anything and man cannot live on yogurt alone my friend.
sorry this blog may end up being a bit more random than usual kids....the vicodin is starting to kick in a lil.
it was kinda funny on the day i had the oral surgery cause they knocked me out but before they put me to sleep they gave me laughing gas...now ive never had laughing gas before and they kept asking me if it was working so i was like "how will i know when its working" and the doctor guys said "trust me youll know" and boy howdy i knew exactly when it kicked in cause all of a sudden i was like floating and they asked me questions and i know answered but i couldnt like hear myself. i guess it was kinda like an out of body experience...whatever it was...i kinda miss it.
so they gave me the laughing gas to relax me beore they stuck this huge needle in my arm for the IV. it wasnt necessary cause ive had and IV before and it hurt but i was ok...tho i guess it was nice with the laughing gas cause i had this warm fuzzy feeling before i drifted off to sleep.
then i dont remember anything till i woke up...actually i dont remember waking i remember starting to stand up but i dont remember walking to the car and i remember the car being in front of me but i dont remember getting in. then i remember waking up at some point between the surgeons office in watsonville and home and pulling down the mirror thing on the sun visor cause my face was all numb and packed with guaze and it felt like ten times bigger than usual and i looked at my arm cause it hurt cause the tape over the IV wound was too tight. according to my dad who was driving i looked at myself in the mirror like three times but i only remember doing it once. and according to daddy i pointed at my arm several times in like super slow motion then fell asleep again i of course only remember doing this once. hehe its always fun doing things you have no idea your doing.
so i slept most of the way home and when we got home i somehow made it up the stairs, lord only knows how, and daddy got me on the couch and under a blankie and he left for like no more than 15 minutes to go get me some yogurt and my meds and stuff and after he was gone for a lil while i realized my entire mouth was really really dry cause fo the guaze so i got up tp get water and as soon as i got off the couch the first thing i did was fall down. it was pretty funny cause i was like "hey im on the floor...that was smooooooth" and somehow i got myself up and got water just fine w/o anymore trouble. then i slept for like most og the day. the clearest i was all day saturday was in the evening when i was awake long enough to watch "bend it like beckham" my god i love that movie! then we watched "bullet proof monk" and by the end i thought id seen enough of it to not need to see it again for the parts i missed but when i woke up on sunday i realized that i didnt remember any of it so i watched it again for the first time that morning.
wow this is a boring blog...oh well in case anyone is wondering this was my tooth pulling experience. im not in excruciatinf pain anymore as long as i take the vicodin but i think tht may keep me out of school for tuesday as well as monday (today) we'll just have to wait and see.
ok the vicodin is kicking in and my head is floating around the room independent of my body so i better go lay down before i fall down

love ya
meagy the toothless

"for the life of me i cannot remember what made us think that we were wise
hmm i hate feeling depressed. i hate it when all it takes is a less than happy song to plunge me into the depths of despair. its that stupid "omg i so feel you man" thing when your listening to a song.
i dunno im just in one of those moods. its like...why bother doing anything? it just seems like i dont really live anymore i just go through the motions of being alive w/o really seeing or hearing or feeling anything. i just feel like i should have more zeal for life instead of feeling like my life is already over. im just not -that- old.just kinda feels like i missed something along the way and now im here and i have a void inside me.
the thing is im not always like this...sometimes im happy...really genuinly happy.
"...happiness you see is borrowed...gentle river take me away to the time off happier days..."
feels like nothing makes sense from one minute to the next. like once i think i have something down for sure something happens and i cant believe in what i think i can trust anymore.
eh its jsut a mood and i think ill go to bed now with the hope that maybe ill wake up on a better side of the bed
nighty night world

SOY MUERTO
blah first day of school and theyve already killed me!!! you cant make me go back to that place i wont do it if i have to chain myself to my bed ill stay here at home where its comfy and lacking in teachers and lil ppl (lil ppl=freshman sophmores and those ppl who think theyre worthy of living just cause theyre one step away from seniors: juniors)
whoa! holy crappy doodlydoo im a senior!!!! how creepy is that?!?!?!
hehe shows you how slow i am...ive been a senior all day and i just realized now that im a senior.
...great im so glad scotty is here to crush my spirit:
And lead us not into temptation... says:
whoa!
Vash the Stampede says:
What?
And lead us not into temptation... says:
im a senior
Vash the Stampede says:
You're that old?
And lead us not into temptation... says:
shows you how slow i am i just realized that
And lead us not into temptation... says:
yes im that old
Vash the Stampede says:
Next year you'll be a freshmen again
And lead us not into temptation... says:
crap
And lead us not into temptation... says:
one step foeward two steps back
And lead us not into temptation... says:
foreward*
Vash the Stampede says:
Three steps
And lead us not into temptation... says:
you know what i mean
Vash the Stampede says:
Just being technical

derfness...my brain is dead so i think ill end it here kiddies
blah school sucks
that is all

start bending me keep bending me until im completly broken in
thank you matchbox 20 *kisses* to robbie (is it bad that i love rob thomas more than my bf?) eh if he can love his cat more than me then i can love rob thomas...at least i dont pet the object of my affection or make it pur...
seriously tho ya gotta love matchbox 20...just depressing and whiney enough to speak to you when youre depressed. and thats what ya look for when you listen to depressing music while depressed. you wanna feel that someone else knows your pain.
i dont hear any songs about my particular situation but i can pretend that theyre talking to me and then their pain becomes my pain and there we establish the my pain is their pain relationship.
sigh no matter what i do it all reminds me of "him" (yeah who knows why i use discretion when i do) anyway i wish i could get through a day w/o thinking of "him" everytime i think "i hope at least that hes happy" then i realize that as much as i want him to be happy i want even more for him to be happy with ME ME ME ME ME ME ME AND ONLY MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE thats not so much to ask right? i mean if i was so happy and in love then why couldnt he feel the same way? its like why would nature make me feel this way if it knew he was gonna go away? why do i have to spend every day of my life struggling just to take baby steps away from that pain? why is it two steps backwards for every one step back? it feels like the world is moving around me but im staying in the same damn place.
its like nothing has changed since i was like 6 and CJ came along and fucked everything up. i hate him so much! ive made it my policy to not truly hate anyone but i really do hate him. he ruined everything and i hate that its all still there in my memory. in my head its like one long string of him yelling at me over and over.
but its not his fault...i mean i probly wouldnt have reached so hard for "him" if i didnt feel so starved of everything but its still not CJs fault.
so whos fault is it? am i really responsible for the dark abyss my life has become? is it really such a dark abyss? i mean my family despite how fucked up they are love me...i do believe that despite how i feel sometimes and despite what i say i really do believe im loved by my family. and david says he loves me and maybe its fantasy but im inclined to believe cause why fight so hard if he doesnt love me? right?
so i have love and i have family...and im not stupid i do have a brain i know i do even if i suck at math and science...so whats up with the empty void in my life?
"she said i dont know if ive ever been good enough im a lil bit rusty and i think my head is caving in. and i dont know if ive ever been really loved by a hand thats touched me and and i feel like somethings gonna give and im a lil bit angry"
" i wanna take you for granted i wanna take you for granted yeah yeah well i will" im tired of caring about everything and everyone and killing myself cause im scared that something wont work out when no on else is worried even tho i know im right. im sick of it. i wanna just not care and let everyone fuck themselves.
BLAH at everyone. i think everyone should spend a day in my overly anxious shoes.
"well im same old trailor trash in new shoes"
i want to be wanted. i want someone to sit there thinking "oh my god i love her so much i could die happy for just one kiss from her"
" you think this life can get a bit unkind"
id be so happy to be there for someone if someone would be there for me. i need a rock im tired of being my own rock and everyone elses and no one really wants me there anyway cause even as ppl are leaning on me i can hear them thinking that im an annoying bitch and they wish id fuck off. so why do i bother? whats the point in helping ppl if they dont want help even tho they do really want help but they dont know they want help. i mean basically im wasting my time and theirs...right? not that i have anything else to do...
but i could feel better right? right? hello someone answer me! damnit!
"im so tired of being here supressed by all my childish fears" and i leave you with these words..if ever a person could hear another persons heart i think now would be a really good time for it so "him i hope your heart hears this "you used to captivate me by your resonating light now im bound by the life you left behind your face it holds my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me these wounds wont seem to heal this pain is just too real theres just to much that time cannot erase"
831-143
ok nighty night kiddies thats enough randing for now

AHHHHHHHHHHHH SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK NO!!! IM NOT GOING!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANT MAKE ME GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!

that said..."try the duck, its terrific if youre in a "fowl" mood" hardy har har

ok that was random...ok most of what i say here is random but as ive said before this is my blog so i'll say what i want.

so i had a few bad days cause of...stuff *coughariacough* ahem 'scuse me. but today i got some great news *does a lil happy dance* a certain persons mom is a freak so another certain person has no interest at all in that first certain person...not that he ever had any interest in her in the first place. anyway no ones going understand that except maybe certain person number 2 but thats ok cause i just needed to get it off my chest.
hey heres a cool fact: "The mother of Mike Nesmith, a member of the rock group ‘The Monkeys’ invented liquid paper."
so there are lots of things on my mind now a days but one of the things foremost on my mind recently has been religion. why? im not sure...it just kinda keeps poppoing up. i guess im having a crisis of religion. i always thought that if and thats a BIG HUGE MONUMENTAL (and other words to that affect)IF, i ever chose to addopt a religion of any kind it would be judaism or something eastern...or maybe id make up my own. its funny now cause im looking at christianity which is one of those things that ive always considered evil in just about all its forms. i guess im not really looking at it...i still dont believe in god...im far too skeptical for that but i do often wonder who the hell im talking to when i lay in bed at night crying "god why me" and other words tot hat affect...ok so i dont lay in bed at night very often crying "god why me" but i do talk to...someone somewhere...i think...maybe...i dont know.
anyway finding out your bf is more religious than he originally let on is a bit scary. he gave me some strange song and dance the other night about going to hell and all that and it was weird. it started out as joking and it took me a while to realize that he was actually being serious about me going to hell. whats worse is he mentioned going to hell basically b/c of me...its one thing to be the architect of my own downfall but if there is a god and heaven and hell and all that romantic crap id hate to be the reason someone else got stuck in hell with me.
now here is a real dillema...whats worse? the fact that im no longer sure of all the things surrounding religion that i used to think i was so sure of? or the fact that i like the song "complicated" by avril lavign (however the hell you spell it)? does that mean i have to start spelling boy as "boi"???
sorry that was weird. anyway ive been trying to reason out this religion thing...can religion be reasoned since its supposed to be blind faith? maybe im doing too much thinking...i dunno how to sould search...or maybe thats what ive been doing and i dont know it. or maybe ive been right all along and there is no soul to search...does this make me agnostic instead of atheist? i still dont believe in god i think sometimes id like to but i know i dont so i guess that puts me firmly in the category of "what the fuck is going on man???"
hey i guess there are worse categories...i could be catholic...
k dunno where i was going with that one...
*sings* "NAS NE DEGONJAT NAS NE DOGONJAT NAS NE DOGONJAT" WOO nothing like cute russian lesbians singing in as lil clothing as possible.
ok well i guess thats enough...maybe if im not beat and maybe if i am ill update yall tomorrow. love ya bye bye

Evil Genius Test
....so much for telling ppl im not evil... I am 66% Evil Genius

Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com