Mood: not sure
Over & Out!!!
I'm done here!
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Kool Mama Kat - This Kat is on a Hot Tin Roof!
Wednesday, 16 February 2005
Saturday, 15 January 2005
Thursday, 30 December 2004
For My Step-Daughter
For My Step-Daughter
As I turn away,
Tears flood my eyes,
For your innocense I pray,
I wish I could sheild you from lies.
There is a hole in my heart,
Where there once was you,
I'm blamed for Our being apart,
With NO rights, what can I do.
I miss your love,
With all my soul,
I'll pray to the one above,
For he is the one that knows.
I was your mommy,
The only one you had,
No longer it seems,
Your dad thinks I'm bad.
I miss & love you dearly!
Wednesday, 29 December 2004
Not so bad
Mood: don't ask
This Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My son and I had a lovely morning. I hadn't seen him get so excited in a while. Seeing his eyes full of so much "AW" was just what I wanted for Christmas. He got spoiled to say the least. Santa brought him a hamster in a hamster mansion. He got a dart board, hockey skates & lots of other boy stuff! A family I know was kind enough to invite me over for Christmas dinner and even had a little gift for me under their tree. I got to see my friend Tim who I haven't seen in a while, that was so nice. I guess it's easy to forget how many people really do support me and care about me. I'm still letting assholes and opinions roll off my back. People just don't know, and my life is none of their business. Believe it or not it actually gives me more strenght to fight even harder for what should be. For now I will try to start 2005 in a much brighter light. I'm excited about new possibilities.
Thursday, 16 December 2004
Mood: don't ask
Now Playing: Little work office jazzy music
It is the Holiday's and I'm trying to make the best of a situation all for the beneifit of son. That is all I care about anymore, my one and only priority other than work. Lack of family and just being depressed has made the holiday's so hard this year. My co-workers have been absolutely wonderful to me. One realtor made it possible for my son to have a Christmas tree. I hope everyone is doing well and not freaking out from the shopping and what not. BC, thinkin' of ya girl!
Tuesday, 7 December 2004
Life is unpredictable
Mood: don't ask
Now Playing: Pennywise
It's the holidays and things are very alien this year. Never in my life have I experienced anything the way I'm feeling or going through. I live in the hurricane state and I have no family in the state of Florida and my son and I haven't seen our family in 6 months and it just seems so unfair! I pray that God will look down on us and see the truth prevail.
Tuesday, 30 November 2004
Now Playing: Gwen Stefani new CD
My life is falling down all around me. I'm alone and my husband is trying to take my son. Accusations have been made about me that are so far from the truth. How can you take a womens child who has stayed home with him his whole life! I'm in shock, depressed, heartbroken, lonely, missing my family, crying all the time, in disbelief, paraniod that everyone is plotting against me.
My husband was at one time my best and most trusted friend and now I don't know what happened to that person. How can he be so cruel and far from the truth. Everyone that knows me will tell you I am a great mother. Is God playing a sick joke on me. I will die without my baby. He is my oxygen. Please don't do this, I pray for the truth to prevail!
Wednesday, 17 November 2004
Finally found the time to post to this damn thing! Real Estate is really picking up. I've been super busy. My life is still crazy. Been recieving anonymous threats, I don't see my baby boy near as much as I should! It's hard right now but things will change for the better. I've found new and exciting ways to have fun and be positive. I have a lot of great people in my life and a lot of support. I will inhale negative energy and exhale joy and happiness....HA! BC how are ya gurl?
Monday, 1 November 2004
Now Playing: Unsolved Mysteries-Bjork
Life is a freaking roller coaster ya know?!
I had a nice Halloween. Went to downtown West Palm Beach for one crazy night!!! Got home about 6 in the morning. I saw so many crazy get ups. It was great!
Back to work, contemlating many life changes. I think I'm going to be going through an adjustment for a long time. It's time for me to remove some things/people from my life and replace them with more healthy and productive things. There is nothing worse than waking up, looking in the mirror and feeling so disgusted with yourself. I must get past that. It's not healthy, and it can be very destructive.
I miss my son so badly. I have never in my life been away from him for so long.
Tuesday, 12 October 2004
Doing a little better this week. I'm past the self hatred...we all do things that we must forgive ourselves for so that's what I'm doing. I'm taking control of me again. I will try not to let people have power over my feelings. They are mine to screw up! Finally made it out to the beach..after 2 major hurricanes they look pretty gross...I guess much like my life it will take time to clean up.
Thanks for the kind words Muddy, your a awesome cat and companion I'm sure!
Thursday, 7 October 2004
My words, my thoughts, my actions....
Mood: don't ask
Now Playing: Mistake
Not doing good. I'm in the deepest depression I've ever been in my whole life. I'm alone for the first time ever..finacially, emotionally, and physically. Yes I know this is what I asked for but it doesn't make it any easier. My relationship with my mother is completely sabotaged. I have hurt my husband and a friend by my "actions" I can't seem to keep my big mouth shut. I have a lot of self hatred right now, low self esteem, and I just feel out of control.
The job is good even though I'm like 2 weeks behind with my bills. I'm just very sad and lacking faith. Went through 2 major hurricanes and I think the reality is just now setting in. This has been a bad year for me. My grandfather had his first break down when he was 24 and all I can think about is it is happening to me.
Wednesday, 22 September 2004
I've been so busy with moving and getting settled! I took on every other weekend at work so that makes 7 days a week of working plus the side work I'm doing for one of the agents after hours! I need the money though so it's a good thing. I'm feeling good about my decision to get my own place. I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. I've done a complete 180 in my life. The part-time working full-time stay at home mom, is now working full-time taking control of her life and discovering an independance she's never known and all I can say is WOW! Amen! I didn't know I had it in me to support me and to depend on me!
Hope all is well...B.C. damn those anxiety attacks! Hang in there gurl!
Friday, 17 September 2004
Blah Blah Blog
Mood: don't ask
The past couple of weeks have been crazy to say the least! Between hurricane's, seperating from my husband, moving, working, etc...I'm going crazy. I don't have a computer anymore so the only way to keep up with this is at work. I realize how I take for granted having the internet. I miss my kitties and my step-daughter but I still feel very positive about my decision to leave. I am soul searching and learning me again. It's all just so damn bittersweet. I hope everyone affected by the hurricanes is doing alright.
Ciao for now,
Kool Mama Kat
Wednesday, 8 September 2004
Mood: don't ask
Well we somewhat made it through. We lost power Friday morning. Still don't have it. No hot showers, sleeping with no AC is horrible. We lost a couple of trees, lots of flooding. The National Gaurd gave us 6 bags of ice and water and food. The winds from this storm were something else. I mean angry winds shaking my house making the ground vibrate. I will never forget those sounds. I guess it will take a while for things to get back to normal. Hopefully everyone else is o.k. Hopefully hurricane Ivan doesn't come here! Anyway there is my quick update...I'm at work so must go!!!
Friday, 3 September 2004
Mood: crushed out
Ah! Another hurricane! Except this time we're actually going to take a direct hit! I'm scared and freaking out. Winds are going to around 130 mph, rain is going to cause flooding, we are going to loose power!
Aaron turns 5 on Sunday so we decided to celebrate today and not let a big bad storm ruin his fun! He was excited naturally!
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know when I'll post again! Hopefully soon...
See ya on the flipside..
Kool Mama Kat
Sunday, 29 August 2004
Life Changes....Soul Searching
Mood: don't ask
My life as I know it is changing. I do not look at it as a negative thing. I am doing things for my soul that I have needed to do for years. It is a good feeling taking control of your life. Even when along the way people get hurt and don't understand.
It's not easy living in a place where you have NO family and very few friends. There is not a lot of support out there right now but I'm finding strength from within that I forgot I had. I am leaving my home, my husband to go out on my own. I am in search for my happiness and who Angel is, and yearns to be. It is long over due.
Some look at me as selfish, others look at me ands say Wow! I can't worry myself anymore with what others think. I've been doing that for years and thats what brought me to the point I am at now. I can do this! I'm happy for myself and proud of myself....but I'm scared too.
Sunday, 22 August 2004
FEELing the void.....
Well my weekend has come to a slow end. Trying new things and feeling new feelings. I'm pretty much still in the same space I was a few days ago. I anticipate on being in this space for quite some time. I suppose when your whole world as you know it comes crashing down on all sides it takes a long time to rebuild those walls.
My job is still my primary source of happiness right now. I spent a good part of the weekend in quite reflection and...cleaning!!
I have to clean out several closets in my soul. I have to wipe away the dust bunnies in my mind. And once the fog has cleared I have to take a step back and look at me and figure out where to go from here.
I don't want to hurt the ones I love so much. Yet I don't want to continue on as the days turn into months into years and have regrets. I have to find my way back to me.
Weeping willow put you arms around me and hold on tight!
Wednesday, 18 August 2004
Mood: not sure
As for now I am doing what I have to do for my mental health and my son's well being. At this point in my life that is my top priority! My mind is still a maze I can't escape and my heart in pieces. I have lost to good friends and the innocence of my marriage. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.
My writing is coming along splendidly though. It is my vice, my temporary escape from where I am. If anything good can come from all of this, it is that I have found a different way to express myself through my writing. Fictional writing can do wonders for the soul.
My new job is heaven sent! Thanks to Cathy, I will always be in her dept for placing such an opportunity in my lap! Who would've thought ME working in such a wonderful enviroment! I am an assistant for RE/MAX a real estate company that employs 70 Realtors! The pay and hours are great!
Aaron is adjusting to Pre-K very well!
I added a link down on the bottom left under "My Links" it say's "My Writing Portfolio" it will take you there if you want to check it out!
Over and Out!
Sunday, 15 August 2004
Mood: hug me
This weekend has been full of to many emotions that I don't think there are even words in the English language that could explain them! I am a mess. My heart is in many little pieces. My thoughts are at war. My mind is a maze that I cannot escape.
I'm seeing myself through a new set of eyes and I don't like the girl that I see. I see someone who appears to have all she could ever want/need yet she is living in misery. I see a girl who has made so many mistakes yet the future ahead could be bright. I see a girl picking up a drink everytime she needs an escape...it's a temporary fix...
There is a war going on inside of me right now between good and evil, between right and wrong, between need and want, between selfishness and selflessness.
Tomorrow is suppose to be a new beginning for me in some ways, though this opportunity that I have been given leaves me guilt ridden. All I can say if you are reading this, is that "I'm Sorry"
I'm am imperfect......
Thursday, 12 August 2004
Now Playing: Erykah Badu
Well I got the job at RE/MAX...I'll be assisting Realtors and doing general office duties I suppose whatever else they want me to do. It's actually well paying and great hours! I couldn't have gotten luckier! I hope B.C. has the same luck!
We're preparing for some nasty weather here! Tropical Storm Bonnie and Hurricane Charley at the same time!!! Already had some nasty wind here..the hurricane shutters were flying up off the house! Probably close them tomorrow morning.
I had to go to the DR. yesterday...been having panic attacks, but he basically sent me away! I have another appt. for Monday...
Aaron starts Pre-K on Monday so we are so excited! He has been looking forward to this for a while..and so have I!!
Hopefully I won't loose power!
P.S. Here's another one I thought I might share!
In a moonlight sky,
That anticipated high.
Lost in lust.
In the night they lay,
So much to say.
The starlights rays.
Come take them away.
No heart could resist.
Forbidden hopes entertwined,
Lips like red wine,
In the moonlit night,
No words to say,
It's out of sight.
One twist of faith,
Is it ever to late.
Left in tears.
Tangled in blue,
Yearning for a new.
Is always a must.
In your heart,
You should trust,
What will be, will be,
Then your soul shall be set free.
? Copyright 2004 Angel
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