21 Feb, 05 > 27 Feb, 05
17 Jan, 05 > 23 Jan, 05
3 Jan, 05 > 9 Jan, 05
20 Dec, 04 > 26 Dec, 04
13 Dec, 04 > 19 Dec, 04
29 Nov, 04 > 5 Dec, 04
22 Nov, 04 > 28 Nov, 04
1 Nov, 04 > 7 Nov, 04
11 Oct, 04 > 17 Oct, 04
27 Sep, 04 > 3 Oct, 04
20 Sep, 04 > 26 Sep, 04
13 Sep, 04 > 19 Sep, 04
6 Sep, 04 > 12 Sep, 04
30 Aug, 04 > 5 Sep, 04
23 Aug, 04 > 29 Aug, 04
16 Aug, 04 > 22 Aug, 04
9 Aug, 04 > 15 Aug, 04
2 Aug, 04 > 8 Aug, 04
26 Jul, 04 > 1 Aug, 04
19 Jul, 04 > 25 Jul, 04
12 Jul, 04 > 18 Jul, 04
5 Jul, 04 > 11 Jul, 04
28 Jun, 04 > 4 Jul, 04
21 Jun, 04 > 27 Jun, 04
14 Jun, 04 > 20 Jun, 04
7 Jun, 04 > 13 Jun, 04
31 May, 04 > 6 Jun, 04
24 May, 04 > 30 May, 04
17 May, 04 > 23 May, 04
10 May, 04 > 16 May, 04
3 May, 04 > 9 May, 04
26 Apr, 04 > 2 May, 04
19 Apr, 04 > 25 Apr, 04
12 Apr, 04 > 18 Apr, 04
5 Apr, 04 > 11 Apr, 04
29 Mar, 04 > 4 Apr, 04
15 Mar, 04 > 21 Mar, 04
8 Mar, 04 > 14 Mar, 04
1 Mar, 04 > 7 Mar, 04
23 Feb, 04 > 29 Feb, 04
16 Feb, 04 > 22 Feb, 04
9 Feb, 04 > 15 Feb, 04
2 Feb, 04 > 8 Feb, 04
19 Jan, 04 > 25 Jan, 04
Kool Mama Kat - This Kat is on a Hot Tin Roof!
Monday, 1 November 2004
Now Playing: Unsolved Mysteries-Bjork
Life is a freaking roller coaster ya know?!
I had a nice Halloween. Went to downtown West Palm Beach for one crazy night!!! Got home about 6 in the morning. I saw so many crazy get ups. It was great!
Back to work, contemlating many life changes. I think I'm going to be going through an adjustment for a long time. It's time for me to remove some things/people from my life and replace them with more healthy and productive things. There is nothing worse than waking up, looking in the mirror and feeling so disgusted with yourself. I must get past that. It's not healthy, and it can be very destructive.
I miss my son so badly. I have never in my life been away from him for so long.
Tuesday, 12 October 2004
Doing a little better this week. I'm past the self hatred...we all do things that we must forgive ourselves for so that's what I'm doing. I'm taking control of me again. I will try not to let people have power over my feelings. They are mine to screw up! Finally made it out to the beach..after 2 major hurricanes they look pretty gross...I guess much like my life it will take time to clean up.
Thanks for the kind words Muddy, your a awesome cat and companion I'm sure!
Thursday, 7 October 2004
My words, my thoughts, my actions....
Now Playing: Mistake
Not doing good. I'm in the deepest depression I've ever been in my whole life. I'm alone for the first time ever..finacially, emotionally, and physically. Yes I know this is what I asked for but it doesn't make it any easier. My relationship with my mother is completely sabotaged. I have hurt my husband and a friend by my "actions" I can't seem to keep my big mouth shut. I have a lot of self hatred right now, low self esteem, and I just feel out of control.
The job is good even though I'm like 2 weeks behind with my bills. I'm just very sad and lacking faith. Went through 2 major hurricanes and I think the reality is just now setting in. This has been a bad year for me. My grandfather had his first break down when he was 24 and all I can think about is it is happening to me.
Wednesday, 22 September 2004
I've been so busy with moving and getting settled! I took on every other weekend at work so that makes 7 days a week of working plus the side work I'm doing for one of the agents after hours! I need the money though so it's a good thing. I'm feeling good about my decision to get my own place. I feel more at peace than I have in a long time. I've done a complete 180 in my life. The part-time working full-time stay at home mom, is now working full-time taking control of her life and discovering an independance she's never known and all I can say is WOW! Amen! I didn't know I had it in me to support me and to depend on me!
Hope all is well...B.C. damn those anxiety attacks! Hang in there gurl!
Friday, 17 September 2004
Blah Blah Blog
The past couple of weeks have been crazy to say the least! Between hurricane's, seperating from my husband, moving, working, etc...I'm going crazy. I don't have a computer anymore so the only way to keep up with this is at work. I realize how I take for granted having the internet. I miss my kitties and my step-daughter but I still feel very positive about my decision to leave. I am soul searching and learning me again. It's all just so damn bittersweet. I hope everyone affected by the hurricanes is doing alright.
Ciao for now,
Kool Mama Kat
Wednesday, 8 September 2004
Well we somewhat made it through. We lost power Friday morning. Still don't have it. No hot showers, sleeping with no AC is horrible. We lost a couple of trees, lots of flooding. The National Gaurd gave us 6 bags of ice and water and food. The winds from this storm were something else. I mean angry winds shaking my house making the ground vibrate. I will never forget those sounds. I guess it will take a while for things to get back to normal. Hopefully everyone else is o.k. Hopefully hurricane Ivan doesn't come here! Anyway there is my quick update...I'm at work so must go!!!
Friday, 3 September 2004
Ah! Another hurricane! Except this time we're actually going to take a direct hit! I'm scared and freaking out. Winds are going to around 130 mph, rain is going to cause flooding, we are going to loose power!
Aaron turns 5 on Sunday so we decided to celebrate today and not let a big bad storm ruin his fun! He was excited naturally!
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know when I'll post again! Hopefully soon...
See ya on the flipside..
Kool Mama Kat
Sunday, 29 August 2004
Life Changes....Soul Searching
My life as I know it is changing. I do not look at it as a negative thing. I am doing things for my soul that I have needed to do for years. It is a good feeling taking control of your life. Even when along the way people get hurt and don't understand.
It's not easy living in a place where you have NO family and very few friends. There is not a lot of support out there right now but I'm finding strength from within that I forgot I had. I am leaving my home, my husband to go out on my own. I am in search for my happiness and who Angel is, and yearns to be. It is long over due.
Some look at me as selfish, others look at me ands say Wow! I can't worry myself anymore with what others think. I've been doing that for years and thats what brought me to the point I am at now. I can do this! I'm happy for myself and proud of myself....but I'm scared too.
Sunday, 22 August 2004
FEELing the void.....
Well my weekend has come to a slow end. Trying new things and feeling new feelings. I'm pretty much still in the same space I was a few days ago. I anticipate on being in this space for quite some time. I suppose when your whole world as you know it comes crashing down on all sides it takes a long time to rebuild those walls.
My job is still my primary source of happiness right now. I spent a good part of the weekend in quite reflection and...cleaning!!
I have to clean out several closets in my soul. I have to wipe away the dust bunnies in my mind. And once the fog has cleared I have to take a step back and look at me and figure out where to go from here.
I don't want to hurt the ones I love so much. Yet I don't want to continue on as the days turn into months into years and have regrets. I have to find my way back to me.
Weeping willow put you arms around me and hold on tight!
Wednesday, 18 August 2004
As for now I am doing what I have to do for my mental health and my son's well being. At this point in my life that is my top priority! My mind is still a maze I can't escape and my heart in pieces. I have lost to good friends and the innocence of my marriage. I don't know who I am or what I want anymore.
My writing is coming along splendidly though. It is my vice, my temporary escape from where I am. If anything good can come from all of this, it is that I have found a different way to express myself through my writing. Fictional writing can do wonders for the soul.
My new job is heaven sent! Thanks to Cathy, I will always be in her dept for placing such an opportunity in my lap! Who would've thought ME
working in such a wonderful enviroment! I am an assistant for RE/MAX a real estate company that employs 70 Realtors! The pay and hours are great!
Aaron is adjusting to Pre-K very well!
I added a link down on the bottom left under "My Links" it say's "My Writing Portfolio" it will take you there if you want to check it out!
Over and Out!
Sunday, 15 August 2004
This weekend has been full of to many emotions that I don't think there are even words in the English language that could explain them! I am a mess. My heart is in many little pieces. My thoughts are at war. My mind is a maze that I cannot escape.
I'm seeing myself through a new set of eyes and I don't like the girl that I see. I see someone who appears to have all she could ever want/need yet she is living in misery. I see a girl who has made so many mistakes yet the future ahead could be bright. I see a girl picking up a drink everytime she needs an escape...it's a temporary fix...
There is a war going on inside of me right now between good and evil, between right and wrong, between need and want, between selfishness and selflessness.
Tomorrow is suppose to be a new beginning for me in some ways, though this opportunity that I have been given leaves me guilt ridden. All I can say if you are reading this, is that "I'm Sorry"
I'm am imperfect......
Thursday, 12 August 2004
Now Playing: Erykah Badu
Well I got the job at RE/MAX...I'll be assisting Realtors and doing general office duties I suppose whatever else they want me to do. It's actually well paying and great hours! I couldn't have gotten luckier! I hope B.C. has the same luck!
We're preparing for some nasty weather here! Tropical Storm Bonnie and Hurricane Charley at the same time!!! Already had some nasty wind here..the hurricane shutters were flying up off the house! Probably close them tomorrow morning.
I had to go to the DR. yesterday...been having panic attacks, but he basically sent me away! I have another appt. for Monday...
Aaron starts Pre-K on Monday so we are so excited! He has been looking forward to this for a while..and so have I!!
Hopefully I won't loose power!
P.S. Here's another one I thought I might share!Forbidden
In a moonlight sky,
That anticipated high.
Lost in lust.
In the night they lay,
So much to say.
The starlights rays.
Come take them away.
No heart could resist.
Forbidden hopes entertwined,
Lips like red wine,
In the moonlit night,
No words to say,
It's out of sight.
One twist of faith,
Is it ever to late.
Left in tears.
Tangled in blue,
Yearning for a new.
Is always a must.
In your heart,
You should trust,
What will be, will be,
Then your soul shall be set free.
? Copyright 2004 Angel
Monday, 9 August 2004
One I wrote I thought I'd share...
Make a Wish Shooting Star
Compatibility falls from the sky,
Seeking for the Angel's flying high.
Hope is found in the heavens of the streets,
The answer is found beneath our feet.
We could be famous,
But it wouldn't mean as much,
Pondering over the thought,
I get stuck.
Turning towards the stars,
Feeling kinda far,
I found a new healing process,
though my soul still has scars.
Searching for meaning,
In something so cleaning,
Degrading is so demeaning,
I'm still stuck, I'm still dreaming.
My serenity has been reflected,
My open heart has been affected.
Touch of faith,
All my worldly problems have been erased.
Simplicity is the key ,
To fulfill my needs,
The end of the world,
Could justify the means.
New horizons on the brink,
My body shivers when the stars wink,
and the shadows slowly sink.
Feeling so fresh,
Feeling so revived,
Another day, another soul to scrape,
Another day I survived.
Another day to thank,
the one most high.
My sinking ship has arrived.
The door has been unlocked,
Insanity has been blocked,
Relief that there is hope,
And I'm shocked.
I found out my self pride,
The symmetry of separate paths
Yet the forbidden status
Growing towards reflections
of the moon,
And further away from my
temple of doom.
Painting paths I only dream of walking,
It doesn't mean as much unless we're talking,
as it does when I look into your soul through your eyes.
Saturday, 7 August 2004
By the way
Now Playing: the buzzing in my head
It's been one crazy week to say the least. I spent well over 3 hours doing my resume....got it out to at least 10-12 places. All I can do now is keep my fingers crossed.
Remember the story about how we had a party that got a little out of control....someone spilled beer in my laptop....well it works again!!!! Yeah! and I got all my writings and backed them up like a smart person would have done in the first place. Another lesson learned haha! (the hard way)
I've actually been doing some writing to. I finally have a muse again. I hate when I get stuck in these ruts and go through these dry spells with nothing to say. Well I'm full of expression now. I don't think there are enough words in the English language to express some of my feelings right now. I won't get into all that at this point...because I could go on and on. But I do intend to share with explanation.
I'm looking forward to catching up this blog and making up for neglecting it. Until then..catch ya on the flip side!
~Kool Mama Kat
Tuesday, 3 August 2004
Now Playing: Dave Matthews Band
Wow! I had a super great weekend! My best friend Cathy celebrated her birthday with a bang! She had a party out at her parents with live bluegrass and moonshine and old hippies! It was fun. Sunday we went and saw Dave Matthews Band. They kicked ass! I mean perfect!
I had a good visit with my sister while she was down. She's so grown up and mature. I spent 3 hrs. today working on my resume. My job is sucking big time. I put in my notice yesterday. My boss doesn't want me to leave but the politics are getting a little to out of control for my taste!
The kids go back to school next week! I can't wait and neither can they. There bored and it's driving me crazy!!!!
Sunday, 25 July 2004
Now Playing: Skankin' Pickle
Wow...this is blog entry #90...that's almost a hundred...
My computer has been down this week and with no internet or e-mail I'm feeling a little out of the loop! Good to be back though.
My sister and her friend are coming down tomorrow for a week. I'm going to take them to see Dave Matthews Band next weekend! I can't wait!
I've been crazy busy this weekend. Yard work, laundry.getting the house ready for company! Feeling good though. I had a revelation this week and I feel things may be looking up for me. I'm ready for life changes..I usually go through this phase about every 6 months. Me thinks I just bore to easily. I like to keep things mixed up a bit, and sometimes my feelings get to mixed up and then POW! A revelation! That's the best feeling ever!
Anyway time to move along here...Hope all is well..If it's not broke..don't try to fix it!
Sunday, 18 July 2004
Now Playing: Life's Harmony
I was just thinking of the difference between what I want and what I need and which FEELS more important under uncetain circumstances. What I want sure feels like what I need...and surely you to battle back and forth with that daily, if not several times a day. Maybe though I was thinking- my soul is in perfect harmony when I have both what I want and what I need...ahhh...yes. Most of the time I feel that way, but sometimes I just yearn.
This weekend was fun. Friday night had a couple of nice surprises. Saturday me and Aaron (my boy) went out on some friends boat. We had such a groovy time..about a 40 min. ride out to the sandbar. The kids caught a starfish and I caught a buzz, and a sunburn. Ouch! I guess if you play, you pay!
Today I recuperated and just hung out at home with the kids, kats and husband. The rain and clouds were actually a welcomed change. Nothing like a lazy Sunday...nothing like harmony!
Friday, 16 July 2004
Now Playing: Pantera
Arrggg!! Thank God for the weekend...
I'm such a jerk! First and foremost I am a very curious person as most writers are. Today one of the superintendants for our company came in and we got to talking. He is 61 yrs old and very sweet man. He calls me the Angel that fell from heaven...anyway were talking and he mentions "when I came back from Vietnam" and I was like wow you were there abd he's like yeah and I'm like what was it like for you and he's like I don't want to talk about it and I'm like oh o.k. and he's like they told us to never say where we were and what not and I'm like o.k. and he's like when you see burning babies your never the same and then he had a tear come down his face and said he had to go...I felt like total shit for asking b/c we all know those guys never came back the same. The sad part is that war was fought by a bunch of young kids who didn't quite understand why they were there and came back so screwed up. Guess what's going to happen to our young boys and gals when they come back from this war in Iraq...that's right there going to be so screwed up. It's really so sad for our HERO'S!!!
Had a long crazy week!!! My laptop is still screwed...but I got the old computer since we have the new so it worked out good that way except I lost what writing I had on the laptop and I deleted the link to My Writings on this blog so I can't get them from there. Maybe that was how it was all suppose to work out..I'll never know I guess, but I am taking my writing in a new direction so we'll see what is to come...I hope everyone has a nice weekend...I'm off to start mine...
Tuesday, 13 July 2004
Now Playing: 311
Well I disappeared for a few days. My husband bulit us a new computer so I was out of business for a few, but I'm back and this new computer is a hellava lot better..faster...less complicated!!!
The only drawback is that nothing is in it yet and it took me forever to remember my stupid angelfire password to post here!!!Had a party Friday night that got way to out of control
...someone spilled beer on my laptop and it's freakin ruined!! Of corse nobody told me about and I had to find out the hard way the next morning when I went to get on it and it was basically fucked!! No one is fessing up to it and I'm out of a laptop..it had all my writings on it and I'm hoping there saved on a disk somewhere!!! Thats only a portion of how out of control things got! Someone thought it would be funny to give my 10 yr old a mixed drink..didn't ask me...luckily I spotted her before she drank it and I poured it out! SHe would have gotten downright sick! There also was a rather agro gal here who felt my husband wasn't living up to her standards and started going off on him in his own house!!!!! Well I let her have it..she is a friend, but not welcome in my house while she is drinking. My husband is what some may call old school punk with a very sarcastic sense of humor and he doesn't take to well to people sticking their noses in his business! Moral of the story goes like this- don't have folks over to drink that are known to be alcoholics with a drinking problem!
Try to send the kids away for the night, if not set ground rules to your guest about the kids! Put away anything valuable!!!!!!!!!
Or don't have parties..and there ya go..luckily for me I get the old computer!
I finally got all my hours back at work!! Yeah, mo money, mo problems as the great Biggie Smalls used to say!
~Kool Mama Kat
Sunday, 11 July 2004
This is a "research" type sex blog that my best friend Tristan writes about every so often. She is a student of Psychology and a very smart and beautiful women. I thought I might share her latest entry...enjoy!It is long overdue for me to post another sex blog. Sorry for all of you who have been waiting patiently. Since it has been so long, I may in fact touch on material which I have already mentioned in last letters. Bare with me and let me know what you think. I have mentioned the Coolidge Effect, right?
To refresh everyone's memory, this is the occurrence where males and some times females will become more aroused by a new partner than by a familiar one. Introducing another potential partner will illicit excitement and thus one of the partner's is capable or rather desires arousal with the new person.
The Coolidge Effect was named after the president when he and his wife toured a farm and were taken by a chicken coop. The First Lady "noticed a single large rooster roaming the area in a confident manner, all alone among the females"...... she asked the farmer whether the rooster was able to perform sexually more than once per day. The man replied that yes, the rooster was in fact able to copulate dozens of times each day. "The first lady responded, 'Please point that out to Mr. Coolidge.' When the president came by, the farmer told him about the rooster. Mr. Coolidge then asked, "Same hen every time? The farmer replied that no, the rooster would actually copulate with dozens of different females each day." With this, the president asked the farmer to tell that to the first lady.
When thinking about this, I often wonder if I ever get married, would the coolidge effect be an issue? I mean, IF after time the person you are with becomes familiar ...when you think about it... every woman would have an advantage over me, right? Wow... that sucks! Some stats:(NHSLS)
The book refers to young couples, but does not specify what ages. Some state couples of all ages, even elderly, which could give reasoning to these stats.
- Couples who have been married for an average of 17 yrs. The mean frequency of intercourse was once or twice a week.
- Only 7% of all married couples in the US have sex 4+ times/week (1994)
-14% of married couples reported that they had sex only a few times or not at all in an entire yr.
In Baumeister's book
, he states that marriage is the death of passion. There are both intrinsic and extrinsic constraints to sex. Intrinsic factors are those who do something for the benefit or pure enjoyment, or b/c you simple like doing it. Extrinsic motivations are doing things to gain a reward. Like doing something because you have to or because you get paid to do it. "Marriage is an extrinsic constraint that undermines intrinsic enjoyment of sex.
Sex is part of the contract of marriage, and married people are expected to have sex. Hence when they are married they may start to perceive sex as a duty or obligation rather than as something they want to do for the sheer enjoyment of it." As a result and obviously, one would stop wanting to do it. This could be an indicator why the frequency of sex declines as a couple "jumps off the plank!"
So, if the facts point toward a dwindled sex life after marriage, why get hitched? I'm not here to answer that question, because relationships of any kind are too complicated. But, is there a way to save the sex lives of my cohabiting and married friends? Yes!!!!!! Glad to be of some use to you all. First of all, it is best to keep some things secret!
Create novelty into your lives. Remember that long ago, men were aroused by the sight of a woman's ankles! If only the women in this lifetime covered up their bodies (except ankles of course), we'd be turning heads at every corner. Another example is in ancient China, women (upper-class) wore their feet bounded until they were married. On their wedding night, the man would unwrap his wife's feet, and for the first time, revealing her bare feet. Many men would have spontaneous orgasms from this experience. So, even feet were once a novelty. Since we show these parts daily, we must find other ways to keep our men aroused, and interested and add mystery in the bedroom.
So, what is novelty? What are examples that we can use? Glad you asked. Novelty is what occurs when you kiss someone for the first time or it even occurs the first few times you kiss that person. Sex is another example, and all of the foreplay in between; and if it's your thing: anal sex, oral sex, etc. (I was trying to keep this as clean as possible so I could send it to family members, but might not be able to do so.) When or rather after you engage in the act a few times, it also becomes familiar and the interest wears off. My advice would be to keep things under control. Do one thing until it becomes routine, and then introduce another act until it produces the same affect. Even erotic films or for you adventurists out there, introduce pornography. This will illicit excitement and stimulate an increase in sex. (Or so Baumeister states.) Although pornography is more appealing to men than to women, yet some report that there is no gender difference. I guess it just depends on your own interests. *Novelty,if this is in fact a way to keep the heat going in the bedroom, it is a bitch.
Conserving novelty means that one must sacrifice immediate pleasure. :( Sorry!!! Yet, I guess if you try novelty and after a while end up copulating, that's exciting too.
On the other hand, when novelty becomes familiar, this and the coolidge effect are both indicators which cause people to not only cheat, but perhaps desire S&M, threesomes, swinging, an audience, etc. Who falls in love faster?
I have read many times in the course of the last few months that men fall in love faster than women. It has taken much effort to find data to support this claim, and even though I have yet to find convincing support, I am going to share this with all of you anyway. At first, I casted my doubt on this statement, unsure if it were true.... In my own opinion, if the man falls in love faster than the woman, perhaps it is the love or strong desires for sex which illicit these deep feeling and not a longing for a monogamous, unconditional and emotional attachment. (Although, I could be wrong.) Here's what the text states:
-"men are ready for an exclusive "couple" relationship instead of merely dating after an average of 2.5 months, whereas for women the interval is closer to 6 months, and men are also quicker to reach the point of expecting the relationship to lead to marriage" I'm having to read this sentence more than once, because I don't think it's correct. I always thought men tried their best to avert a long, committed relationship. And all of the girls I know are out there everyday in attempts to find their mate. I'm still trying to think of examples that support this fact. The only one I can think of is that many of the guys I've dated who I am not interested in fall for me faster, and unfortunately, the guys I fall for are restless and fickle and disinterested in me. Maybe it's a matter of attractiveness....willingness.....or time spent uncommitted. Tell me what you think? Ever wonder why many women or some men enjoy face-to-face sex?
Face-to-face allows the couple to exchange gazes which actually increases passion and intimacy. (Kissing also increases feelings, of passion and intimacy, that's why many prostitutes do not kiss their clients.) In 1989, Kellerman et.al. did an experimental study in which male and female pairs were randomly assigned to look into each others eyes for a period of 2 minutes at close range. After the duration, the results indicated that these people ended up having stronger feelings toward each other: feelings of interest, warmth, attraction, and romantic love!! So, there you go... if you have your eye on someone out there, just walk up and grab him or her, and gaze into each others eyes for a minute or two.... they will be smittin' before you know it... well, in 2 minutes according to Kellerman. Yet, I have to cast my doubts on this one too. A funny story comes to mind....
I was always taught that it is proper to make eye contact when speaking with someone in conversation. Last year, I was at the grocery store and I saw a guy from my past, who I had not seen since elementary school. We spoke for a while and ended up exchanging numbers/e-mail addresses to keep in touch. A week or two went by and I received an e-mail from this guy professing his desires to see me. The point of my story is that he also stated (many times) that "he knew that I had *deep feelings* for him because of the way I LOOKED IN HIS EYES while we were talking!!" Shocked and confused, I took it as a red flag and discouraged the idea of ever corresponding again. So, the moral of this story is that even friendly mannerisms can or could produce increased feelings in ones that you desire or don't desire for that matter. (Be careful who's eyes you look into!!)
I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their summer!
Love you all!
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