I'm so depressed. Today is just a horrible, horrible day. I feel so alone. Like I'm going crazy and no one cares. But then again, everyone has their own shit to deal with so I can't really expect them to help me through mine. I'm on this I don't care if I die right now trip. I feel like I'm sixteen again and I'm lost and I don't know what to do or where to go. Maybe I need to leave. I don't know. Maybe that's just a way to escape. I don't wanna escape. wanna deal w/ it and move on and start off clean. Maybe I never dealt with it before like I should have that's why it keeps coming back. You know that someone who has been depressed before ( in clinical terms) most probably will get depressed again later on it life? I think this is the later on in life part that they were talking about. I guess now I kind of know what to do but I kind of don't. I'm starting to hate the whole world and that's not a good thing. I don't know where all this came from but I want it to go away.
Sometimes I feel like my parents are trying to make up for not really being there while I was younger. I never hated them for it and maybe i just grew up independent...I eman hello they let me live in a different country w/ out them when I was how old right! BUt I guess that's why I hate it when they bug me about the things I do, where I go, who I hang out w/, what time I'm coming home. It all seems so irrelevant to me. I get so frustrated at them sometimes I have to bite my tongue to keep me from saying anything.
My friends on the other hand...well...i don't really know...JOn and Dee are in the states. Dee's married. I know that doesn't mean she can't be there for me, but of course, it's different now. We're so different now it's unbelievable. But that's not even the issue, that's ok. I guess sometimes I feel like maybe, I dunno, she's changed so much that she has certain opinions of me like that aren't good? I don't know. Gina's on this weird trip. She's always w/ me when she's not with jay but the minute they get back, I'm somehow put somewhere else again. Up on the cupboard til they break up again.I gotta get my life together, it's falling apart. The only thing I can hold on to now is Tristan, and even that I'm not that sure of. Argh. I just wanna scream sometimes. Like a good I don't care if anyone's around scream. The kind of scream that will make dead people turn on their graves and ask what was that?!
I miss lola a lot too. That was one person who I had a great, no questions, mutual love and respect relationship with. Sometimes I still cry when I really miss her. I know she's watching over me but it's just so hard sometimes. I can't really talk to anyone. Some people are too far away...literally...some are just distant doin their own thing...tristan thinks I'm too emotional...so who am I supposed to talk to right? GOD? I do that too but I need someone who actually talks to me back.
What ever doesn't kill you just makes you stronger right? I'll answer that again if I survive this.
peace...E