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Joke of the week 6NOV99:
One Sunday morning, Chelsea Clinton burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt". After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father.
Joke of the week 13NOV99:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from all the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Joke of the week 20NOV99:
HOW TO BATHE A CAT:
1. Thoroughly
clean the toilet
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape)
5. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a "powerwash
and rinse" which I have found to be very effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure there are
no people between the toilet and the outside door
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids
8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself
Sincerely, THE DOG
Joke of the week 27NOV99:
An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the docotor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was deep in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
Joke of the week 4DEC99:
A man who was driving
a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The
following exchange took place. The man says, "What's the
problem, officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75
in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife:
"Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife
a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket
for your broken taillight. " Man: "Broken taillight? I
didn't know about a broken taillight!" Wife: "Oh Harry,
you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave
his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to
give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man:
"Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt." The
man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
Joke of the week 11DEC99:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his
office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe
disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't
do the following, your husband will surely die:
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant,
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him
a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner,
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden
him with chores, as this could further his stress."
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make
his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the
evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back
rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting
event on television."
"And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can
do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife,
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Joke of the week 8JAN00:
Tom came home from work to
find his wife packing her bags. "What are you doing?"
exclaimed Tom. His wife replied, "I'm leaving you! I found
out I can make $200 a night having sex in Las Vegas." Tom
quickly pulled his suitcase out of the closet and started
throwing his clothes in it. Puzzled his wife turned to him and
asked, "What do you think you are doing?" Tom responded,
"I'm going with you. I want to see how you are going to live
on $400 a year!"
Joke of the week 12JAN00:
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a
gift.
She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.
Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh,
just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher
held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.
A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The
teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop
of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?"
she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher
repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
Joke of the week 22JAN00:
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress
comes to
take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special
of the
day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got
the
last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress
goes
to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to
him
was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained
uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring
the
chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he
noticed the
body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he
puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far
as I
got, too."
Joke of the week 19FEB00:
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.
On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel
and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am
still a virgin." This puzzled the groom since, after 12 marriages, he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.
He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how
it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me the
documentation."
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but he couldn't get the system up."
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old
saying goes......... 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the
order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process, but, needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method."
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but
he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that
he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do
it."
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product,
he just wasn't sure how to position it."
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk
about it".
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was
look at it."
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was
...........God I miss that man !!!!!!!!!!
"So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get
screwed this time!"
Joke of the week 26FEB00:
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000.00 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first one does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him very much. The man was very impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy man gifts. she gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmo's for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several time the $5,000. She give him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for the future because she loves him very much. Obviously the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he...............
Married the one with the largest breasts.
