Never Get Laid

 

Michael Jackson will find Pinocchio and make him a real boy

Victims on Never Land Ranch will not be unemployed

Elton John writes the perfect song

that lesbian rockers all enjoy

homeless folks could win the lottery

and victims will all get paid

it will take a million dollars

and I will never get laid

 

the local football team here could make it to the Superbowl

superstars won't need steroids to crawl across the goal

robbers will throw down their guns

and jails will have enough space

it could take the end of the world

before I ever get laid

 

the chores of marriage and the joys of debt

endless problems with people I never met

I could even be President

change the world as it is today

solve the war with Israel and Palestine

and I will never get laid

 

I could stop global terrorism

or patch the holes in religion

prove that Elvis is dead

and aliens are here instead

I could cure cancer and STDs, HIV and AIDS

forget about it, I will never get laid

 

I could solve world peace

raise billions in tsunami relief

find a way to turn lead into gold

rescue Russia from the winter cold

never see another fight in a bar

or invent the solar hover car

only one problem remains

I will never get laid

 

show the world who killed JFK

promote the peace of MLK

no longer need to kill for oil

no more racism to make blood boil

Martha Stewart can liberate the jail

no more junk comes in the mail

 

time travel and life on Mars

two year olds are driving cars

pedophiles will break the addiction

Catholic Priests will serve detention

reality shows will be placed in the grave

what's the use, I will never get laid

 

so don't ever get married, the stress is just too much

don't bother with a vasectomy, no time left to touch

want something so badly that you can't begin to say

just be careful of the things you crave

'cause you will never get laid

 

I will never get laid

 

Note: This is a sad and funny song about my frustrations with being married and not able to have pleasure on a regular basis anymore, especially after I ran out and got a vasectomy in order to increase the likelihood that "it" would happen more. As Jeff Foxworthy says, if you are a guy and you aren't getting laid, you are either gay, or married. Only I would be so bold to think the bigger problems of the world are insignificant compared to my whining, that is why there are so many things mentioned in this song. I really like it, hope you do too.

 

Written on January 11, 2005, revised on May 9, 2005.