Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

The cycle repeats itself: correspondence between my father and myself, January to June, 2008.


Here is the brief story. I get a phone call at work from Dad. He had heard that I was going to Iraq, and he was concerned for me, thinking that I went primarily to escape a bad marriage. This was not true, but while we were on the subject, I asked him to re-consider the course of events and offered to bring the kids down for a visit, but he immediately declined. Nothing had changed, and so I mentioned this to dad - hypothetically, of course: if something ever happened to Catherine, you would still have nothing to do with me. Dad assumed that I hinted at divorcing Catherine, and he also said that if I did, he would handle things with other family members (meaning that I would be allowed to see them again, or that they would be allowed to contact me). I told him that this is what I suspected to be the case all along, and that should change regardless of my marital status. I continued the conversation with him later via email.


My email was very long, but in summary, I addressed these concerns:

- I have to beg you to see your grandchildren. I have never created any excuses to prevent you from seeing them, why do you think the children are bait?

- I want to know what really happened with my sister's wedding and the last minute un-invite.

- Several times people told you that they were not aware you even had a son. WTF??!!! This obviously did not bother you.

- From day one, you told everyone to "form your own opinion" in regards to Catherine. You also told me that I had to choose, and you would make sure that I would be unhappy, because the family would disown me.

- Even my cousin was forgiven once he was able to talk to my Aunt and work things out (Mom said that would never happen). Does she not want to see people happy, or does she have a fear of being wrong, to the point of delusional obsession?

- You say that if I were to divorce her, that everyone in PA would resume relations with me. Why aren't any of them telling me this?

The very day I left for Iraq, I finally recieve an email from Dad:

Your mom and I have discussed your email and we offer the following for you to think about:


The situation as we see it starts with our relationship. Let us make this perfectly clear, it has to be mended and resolved. You need to decide what is important to you and how to achieve what you want.


No one is telling you to leave Catherine, that is something that only you can decide. You would not be alone if you leave Catherine, you would have your kids and hopefully friends from your workplace. We want you to know that you are our son and that we love you. You have done things that have been a disappointment to us, hopefully you have learned from them.


The entire family wishes you well in Iraq, and trusts that you will be safe.

Here is my response to the email:

Our situation has been resolved before, until I even mentioned Pennsylvania. You halted all contact and forbade me to ever contact them. Why would it be otherwise now? I find it interesting that I will not hear this from anyone in Pennsylvania (despite my repeated requests to hear this from them). I still think you have something to hide from me, and I will find out what is going on here.

You made sure that you would do all in your power to make me unhappy. I am referring to the forced exclusion that you imposed on me. I am tired of waiting for you to do the right thing, I will resolve this myself. I have the right to defend myself against all things that you have said about me and my family.

I was the most boring kid on the planet, what could I have possibly done to create such disappointment? I almost laughed so hard I fainted.

Most important, everyone could be civil towards each other, at best case scenario, we would see each other twice a year!

UPDATE: Letters in Iraq

After all of the concerns, I get a card from mom and dad while I was in Iraq. Here is what they wrote:

"Jason, I hope things are going well for you. I sent you an email before you left but you might not have gotten it. I am sure that you will be careful there. I hope the experiences you have there will bode you well through your life. If you get a chance, let us know how you are doing. My email has not changed."



I immediately wrote them back, to let them know I was alright, and ready to hear from other family members too. I let them know that I was looking forward to coming home, and extended my hope that we could all see each other. I also let them know that I am not good at reading between the lines, and would really like to know the truth about family members that want to leave me behind.

I recieve an email from dad -

"well, it is getting close to your time to depart from there. We're sure you are looking forward to getting back to the States. To answer your question:

As far as having trouble reading between the lines - your mom and I do not believe in saying or writing things which entail reading between the lines. We hate it when people do that to us - we do not do it: never have, never will. I know that when you guys did what you did and treated us like you did, it didn't sit well with anyone. the family didn't choose to leave you behind, you made that decision for them. I can't speak for anyone but us, as far as folks in Pennsylvania eventually seeing you - that is entirely up to them. We have told you that repeatedly (but they never have told me this directly). Regardless of whether or not we have a good relationship with you and the kids, it is entirely up to them if they see you - we have been told that and I am telling you that again.


Please let us know that you get in OK. Will talk to you then. Take care."

Oh no, here we go again. Or not. Pour me another beer. Not that it will help me figure this out, but I might feel better from this sugar-coated bullshit!

I guess nothing will change. This upsets my wife even more than it does me, and I should just let it go. But this entire situation is not right, and it must be explained. If my parents discover this site, they will be furious, but for the wrong reasons.
Maybe I will finally get to hear their side, as so many of my former friends have heard the details from their point of view.



I wonder what my kids will think about all of this one day, I pray that they can get past this.