April 12, 2005

 

Dear Deb,

 

            I am not sure how to begin this letter, as this is something I never thought I would have to write. My childhood in Pennsylvania is the best thing that I ever had to look forward to; heaven on earth; impossible to put into words. Maybe I was a handful and folks were glad when it was time for me to leave, but I really did enjoy my visits there.

 

            I don’t understand why everyone thinks I am disposable and even shocked that I might be bothered by this? I regret listening to my mother when she told me to just give everything time. It has been over nine years now and it is too late, she says. Now she also says that I should have patched things up immediately. Actually, I don’t even know what happened, I have heard a couple of things but since it was not from you, they were all lies. My other regret is returning your gift to Allison on her first birthday because mom told me that it was the only time you would give her anything. I have this all on a video tape. It sounded rude to me, why give her something only because she was turning one? But, what if this wasn’t even true? There is absolutely no reason why Allison and Thomas should be forgotten about, just because no one wants to deal with Catherine.

 

            This is not fair; I never did anything malicious towards any of you. I think I deserve the opportunity to plead my case and learn the truth. If, and I repeat, if, I come to Pennsylvania, I will be alone and we can talk face to face, just you and me. I am not someone to be scared of, despite what you may have read about me in the tabloids.

 

            Before our trip to Pennsylvania in 1996, my mother told me to choose: Catherine or family. For reasons beyond my control, this has come true. Everyone was hell-bent on saying “form your own opinion”, when it would have been an easier effort to accept her as she is, no one is perfect, especially me. Why else would I spend six years in school to get the degree I know I would want? I had hoped that you were hearing about the good things that occurred between us and my parents, but I found out that you were only receiving updates when things are bad. I would bet my life on the fact that you do not know any of the reasons why Cat and I are upset, and all the things that were really said. But, since I am disposable, why would it even matter?

 

            I have a great family. I am proud of Allison and Thomas, they are great kids, and they deserve a chance to know all of you. Before you write a letter to permanently banish us from your life, please consider my side. All I am asking for is one chance to tell my side, alone, face to face, or over the phone. Everyone that I know tells me to let this go, but I can’t, you have always meant so much to me and this is worth holding on to. I never approached you about this before because I thought time was what you wanted. Who knows what else I might be wrong about? I don’t want to wait another 9 years to find out.

 

            I wanted to add some additional thoughts in case this is the last opportunity you have to hear from me.

 

            We invested a lot of time and money into Easter. There were no strings attached, just gifts with good intentions. I know why you used to return Brenda’s gifts, but there was no reason to do that to us. A letter of explanation would have been more appropriate. You could have just thrown them away if you did not want the kids to have them. Why? I should not have to hear third hand information from my mother. If you don’t think that I deserve another chance, at least you might agree that I need to hear these things from you. Perhaps I am overreacting. You are not mean people and I know you are compassionate. But I firmly believe that you have the wrong picture about me. The last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone.

 

            My dying wish in this life will be that someone will know I am right. If you were outcast from your family for reasons unknown, you would want to know why and resolve to fix it. It is unfair for me, as I have no recourse available. In this lifetime or the next, it will be known that I spent all my time worrying about this and trying to fix it. I have the impression that things would only improve between us if something happened to Catherine. This is an unrealistic solution, and I never wanted things this way.

 

            Grandma Maggie and my mom never got along very well until her last ten years. This was very fortunate, but I mention this because things have a way of mending and I believe that one day we will be accepted, as things are supposed to be. I don’t think I ever did anything to have you mad at me, did I? Was I adopted? If not, then we are all family.

 

            I will respect your wishes; I just wanted you to have an idea about how I really felt, because I doubt anyone has ever told you. Please don’t hurt my children, as they deserve a chance and it is the right thing to do.

 

Jason

 

Again, I don’t think this letter was demanding at all, and I still have not heard from all the folks involved up there why they hate me. The reason is obvious; they hate me because they need to stay in my mother’s good graces. I am too nice to people and I will work on that. The Easter package was returned with the goodie bags all shredded up. Would they prefer cat litter next time? Don’t worry; I am not wasting valuable postage on any of them anymore. And the motto of Pennsylvania is this: “you’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania”, what a crock.

            Oh, the video tape I sent to them after writing this letter was footage of all of us, plus the footage from Allison’s first birthday party when the comment was made about the one gift a lifetime. I also read the letter from my mom saying that I am not allowed to contact them. I wanted to hear their opinion on all of this. To this day, my questions remain unanswered. However, I doubt I will pursue this any further, as life is too short. I will find the answers that I am seeking on Judgment Day.