The Church of the SubGenius
Sect of the Barcode Scanners
Welcomes you to the
SubGenius Retirement Home
Friends, growing weary of the daily grind of your conspiracy job? Finding the wait for the saucers lonely and oppressive?
The Rupture will come soon enough but
until it does you can find peace and tranquility
in a mindless state of froppie-induced calm
when you join us at the
SubGenius Retirement Home.
The image of
Continue on for a virtual tour
is a trademark
of your "home"
before you go "HOME"...
Each guest will enjoy his/her own private room,
spacious enough for your personal belongings.
Your room will have a tranquil view
of the lush, park-like gardens that surround our Home.
A private bath adjoins each room complete with
walk-in shower stall and all the necessities
for your personal hygiene needs.
A very personal assistant is available
on a 24hr basis should you require one.
The incomparable services provided each guest
is what make The SubGenius Retirement Home
a one of a kind place to spend your final days.
You will find nothing like it anywhere else.
A fully appointed dining room and kitchen
that serves 3 tasty gourmet meals per day,
plus a well-stocked snack refridgerator
available for raiding night or day.
You've heard of the Smoke-filled room?
Well, the SubGenius Retirement Home features
a cozy retreat appointed with plush sofas and chairs
and humidors filled with the finest grade frop.
A wide screen TV
with all your favorite movies
and video games
is available at a touch of a button
from each seat
in this elegant paneled room.
Butler service on call
to satisfy those frop induced "munchies".
A large library equipped with state of the art
computers and a wide range of Sci-Fi novels
is also available for residents use.
A variety of recreational and sports activities are
scheduled each day for those not preoccupied
with their own hallucinations. These activities include
bus tours to exotic pink locations, bowling, croquet,
calisthentics, couch potato races, snipe hunts,
and other spectator sports.
A well stocked art studio with resident art instructors
and recording studio with trained engineers
completes our more cultural offerings
If you are mechanically-minded a fully equipped
rocket lab and science facility is at your fingertips.
Keep up with the latest designs in electronics and
space exploration under the guidance of the
acclaimed physicist & crossdresser Werner Von "Eva" Braun.
Tinker to your heart's content to pass the hours
until the real saucers arrive.
So filled with Slack that all of this is too much for you?
Then you may enjoy the tropical lushness of
our heated indoor pool and jacuzzi hot tub.
Lie poolside in your own personal deck chair and
be served icy, refreshing, rum drinks by handsome
cabana boys and hula girls all day long.
Many more wonderful pleasures/surprises are in store for you
as a pampered VIP resident of the SubGenius Retirement Home!
Our goal is to provide our residents
with the utmost in comfort and relaxation
in their twilight years, whatever age they may be.
Please be assured that only full members of the
Church will be allowed admittance to this facility
to assure the right atmosphere for our treasured residents.
If this seems too irresistable to be passed by please feel free to send for more information or an application at The SubGenius Retirement Home and let us make your retirement dreams come true!!
The concept of the SubGenius Retirement Home wholly owned by
Rev. Mother Thaelo Blue of the Sect of the BarCode Scanners.
Subsidiary Rights assigned to The Subgenius Foundation, Inc. in perpetuity.