This is pretty much a dumping ground for all of my older jokes, the ones I've recently added can be found at the main jokes page.

BTW, some of these jokes are sexual in nature, and a lot of them might be considered offensive in some way or another, so consider yourself warned.

• Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.
• Every time you shift gears, you get pop-up windows out the yazoo.
• The best new feature: optional brakes.
• While waiting at a crosswalk, the ghostly head of Bill Gates suddenly appears over the dash, intoning, "The pedestrian in the red coat displeases me. KILL HER."
• If you drive over 70 mph, you get an error message that reads, "This car has performed an illegal operation and will smack into a wall."
• Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.
• Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.
• Car periodically shuts down unexpectedly, subjecting driver to the "blue windshield of death."
• "PineTree air freshener not found. Download now?"
• On-board navigational system keeps displaying maps to nearby porno shops.
• "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.
• Teenaged hacker next door can make it do donuts on your lawn at 3 A.M.
• Three words: traffic jam Minesweeper.
• Comes with a large sunroof, just in case you decide to spontaneously start flying around the neighborhood.
• Instead of turning on the wipers, you must somehow convince the little paperclip guy that it's raining. Too bad you dragged him to the ashtray the first time you started the car.
• It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.
• It runs on unleaded hype.
• It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.
• Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.
• Options? You'll take whatever options *we* say you'll take.
• Resale value after six or seven years? Forget it.
• Secret missile system seeks out and destroys all Apple cars, Netscape cars and Sun cars.
• Special porn option for rush-hour fun.
• You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.
• You slam on the brakes, but nothing happens until the software can confirm that no one else on the Internet is attempting to use a brake system with the same serial number.
• After it crashes, climb out, climb back in and -- viola -- just like nothing ever happened!
• After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that it's safe to turn off the engine.
• Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.
• Drives sluggishly during heavy internet usage.
• If a bug hits your windshield, odds are you'll have to sell the whole car for parts.
• You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.

• Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.
• Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
• Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
• The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
• Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
• Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
• Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
• Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
• Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
• Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
• Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
• It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
• Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

• Promotes cardiovascular workout over anaerobic "talking about feelings."
• Annual cost for gifts (Christmas, Birthday, etc.): $2000
  Cost of bail for violating restraining order: $200
• You can stalk a much higher class of person than you'd ever get in real life.
• Dinner and a movie with her? Half price!
• Your skill at balancing in a tree (using only one hand) is coming along nicely.
• Get real man! A real relationship is much better than... Whoa! Hang on. My motion detector shower-cam just activated!
• No messy breakup worries! Start taking your medication and the relationship is over!
• Back when you were dating, you only got to see her naked on weekends. But with your new "spy cam", you get to see her naked every night.
• PMS is much easier to deal with through a telescope.
• Never wonder if she's cheating on you.
• The no-surprise factor when served with the restraining order.
• You spend no money, you never have to inflate her and she is always waiting for you in the porn shop window.
• Katie Couric has never personally told me she minds when I leave the toilet seat up at her house.
• All the excitement of the hunt with none of the tedium of actually listening to 'em.
• When your current stalkee finds out you're stalking another, they don't get upset.

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse, I rode her mother once."

"Jane" - News Anchor in Michigan:
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, she turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Greg Norman:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter:
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."

Terry Venables:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Ron Atkinson:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it, you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them."

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

• embareassment: feeling of shame and inadequacy experienced while at a nude beach
• carbage: trash that accumulates in the back seat of your vehicle
• avalunche: a sandwich made so tall that it falls over
• banjlo: special banjo with a beautifully round end that is twice the size of a regular banjo's end
• bong-vivant: a particularly social stoner
• scatula: an invaluable utensil for the responsible urban dog-owner
• gasshole: someone who supports drilling in wildlife refuges so he can drive his SUV back and forth to the office
• satisfiction: when she fakes an orgasm
• sofu: the stuff that develops in your butt crack after one has vegged out in front of the TV all day
• trampon: a feminine-hygiene product for promiscuous women
• negligeence: failing to put on a condom, because DAMN, GIRL -- you look fine in that nighty!
• carnacle: a sideshow barker who follows you throughout the entire fair, refusing to leave you alone
• defurestation: a painful uprooting of body hair, such as when Ed Asner and Robin Williams part after embracing
• harpiness: the feeling of elation that comes from being a complete and utter bitch
• marchiavellian: authoritarian behavior by the high school band leader
• misclosure: making public only the information that makes you look good, while claiming privilege against releasing any information that makes you look bad (note: reminds me of Cheney!)
• Sabo-masochism: submitting oneself to sexual domination by a former Cincinnati Reds third baseman
• Talibran: part of an Islamic fundamentalist's complete breakfast
• algoreithm: a computational procedure whereby a majority is made equivalent to a minority by factoring in nine
• dellular: "Dude! You're gettin' a mobile phone!"
• democat: presidential candidate who uses all 9 lives attempting to be declared winner of the election
• lumpteen: an inactive youth older than 12 and younger than 20
• narcoric: whatever that stuff is that makes Katie Couric so perky in the morning
• liarrhea: an uncomfortable feeling brought on by declining an antacid tablet after a meal of five-alarm chili dogs and Old Milwaukee
• discombabulate: to confuse a gorgeous woman
• panticipation: heavy breathing while waiting for porn to slowly download
• rectingle: a pleasurable feeling experienced while indulging in, er, "backdoor" sex
• rebelation: the realization that the South will never rise again
• subterfudge: sneaking your own chocolates into the movie theater
• filibustier: to talk nonstop about one's new breast implants
• errorist: suicide bomber who kills only himself
• inflatulation: the act of accidentally passing gas in front of someone on whom you have a crush
• gundamentalist: belief in the sanctity of human life, unless taken by a nice, shiny firearm
• hURL: a link to a web site that makes you want to puke
• masterbate: to expertly practice self-abuse
• bachanal: event marked by the playing of crappy classical music
• bovile: an evil cow
• cremtation: the overwhelming urge to dispose of the bodies in the cheapest way possible
• hindsome: possessing a highly-desirable derriere
• magnifry: focusing the sun's rays on an enemy toy soldier

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc.

Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now? The new service in their black uniforms with their initials in large white letters across their backs?

FATASS

• "Friends" don't place collect calls to friends without using 1-800-CALL-ATT.
• We can't "just be friends" because of our anatomical differences. You see, you are an asshole and I am not!
• Your personality is annoying, your conversation is inane drivel, and your sense of humor is non-existent. Take away the sex and you make me want to jump off a building.
• It would just confuse the dogs.
• You've still got your hands on the knife you used to stab me in the back.
• I would have to like you to be your friend.
• I don't really like you and I've already slept with you and all your friends so I think it's time to move on.
• Because now I'm dating your mother!
• The $25,000,000 alimony suit, for starters.
• The restraining order says 100 yards and that makes friendship tough.

• Worn down at the edges like a Times Square hooker, the caretaker's last tooth lay on the floor like a yellow Chiclet.
• When she stepped out of her dress, she had the body of a 90-year-old nun, if the nun looked as young, attractive, and sexy as the dame standing in front of me.
• The situation had become topsy-turvy -- like Christmas in the summer, if you're in Australia.
• The information imbedded on the stolen computer chip was like an explosive so explosive it could explode, creating a massive explosion.
• As I watched through the slatted shades, her bosom bounce like her suspicious husband's first check.
• The killer was a misplaced comma in the jaunty, happy sentence that made up the party crowd.
• His face looked like an ice sculpture. Not one of those pretty ones in the middle of a cruise ship buffet, but the kind they do in a contest with a chainsaw -- and it had been out in the heat too long.
• Like any family, this house had its secrets, secrets it grimly refused to reveal, and would continue to refuse to reveal even if it could speak, which unlike a family, or at least most members of most families, it couldn't.
• The air of danger perversely made Nina's nipples harden, like that Magic Shell stuff on a bowl of ice cream.
• From his vantage point in the balcony, the would-be assassin looked down on the debating candidates like a webhead looking down on an AOL user.
• The sudden darkness made the Countess tense, like Bobby Jerome that time with the bicycle in 7th grade, remember?
• There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day, like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make every-thing you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -- quietly but miraculously -- they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done.
• Her parting words lingered heavily inside me like last night's Taco Bell.
• The bullet burned Gilmore's gut like the first piss after a long night in a Singapore brothel.
• His .38 barked fire, like John Goodman's butt after a chili cookoff.
• She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.
• The neon sign reflected off his gun, like the moonlight reflects off my brother-in-law's bald head after a night of beer drinking and cow-tipping.
• Unable to contain his rage, he burst like a pimple of emotion, the pus of his fury streaking the mirror of calm in the bathroom of his life.

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they covered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Eccotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

And the winner....

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

A late nominee for this years Darwin Award.... from the Orlando Sentinel > Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt > Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf > course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, > Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in > the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies up'd the ante by > spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus > wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed >his > threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately >for >Sanchez, > the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground > than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the >weakest >link. > Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was > plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other >testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife!

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.

• When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
• Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
• When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
• When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
• When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
• When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
• Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
• When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
• When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
• When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
• When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
• When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
• When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
• Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
• Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

• You flip through ten channels on the TV before you realize you were just trying to turn up the volume.
• You have the munchie food right in front of you and you forget to eat 'em.
• You light a cigarette and forget to smoke it.
• You smoke a cigarette that's not lit.
• You stare at the clock waiting for 4:20 to come, then you snap out of it and realize it was 4:31.
• You have a freshly packed bowl in your hand and half an hour later you realize... You forgot to smoke it.
• You're on the phone with your best friend and you forget who you're talking to.
• When you are looking for your cigarette and it is in your hand!
• Freakazoid starts making sense.
• You think Detroit Rock City is the coolest movie in the world. (or Dude, Where's My Car)
• you think about things like who would win if Spiderman and Megaman fought.
• you think cartoon characters are FINE (e.g. Jessica Rabbit, Ariel, Josie and the Pussycats...)
• "Huh?" is a predominant part of your everyday language.
• you laugh at Discovery Channel programming.
• your TV is constantly tuned in to the Cartoon Network.
• everytime you cough, it sounds like the garbage disposal. (note: haha, that must mean my mom's a stoner!)
• everything looks to you like those nickel movies at Disneyland.
• you're watching CNN for 30 minutes before you realize it and change it to the Simpsons.
• you have womanlike mood swings when your stash runs out.
• you have used tampon wrappers or bible paper to twist a joint.
• weed money comes before rent money.
• write newsletters, play Tetrinet, eat cheese and watch comedy central all day. Even if you haven't smoked the stuff in a week.

• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Osteoporosis: A degenerate disease.
• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Glibido: All talk and no action.
• Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

Reasons For Leaving Last Job:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

Special Requests and Job Activities:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

First on his executive wish list is a coordinating authority to oversee the production of patriotic textiles. "It's been sad to see the great nation stumble in producing the caps, T-shirts, and flags needed to adequatedely respond to the events of September 11th," the president said. "The new Department of Patriotic Textiles will mobilize our patriotic textile capabilities and see to it that we never again need to turn to the Chinese in our time of need."

The president appointed his mother, Barbara Bush, as the first leader of the new department. "She's one hell of a knitter," says Bush advisor Karl Rove.

In a show of bi-partisanship that has reigned since the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington, Bush is also acting on a request from Representative Richard Gephardt: the immediate formation of a new Office of Airline Philanthropy. Gephardt, standing at Bush's side, said "I'm pleased to be here to take part in the nomination of US Airways CEO Rakesh Gangwal, under whose leadership, the Office of Airline Philanthropy will ensure than no airline, no matter how poorly run, will fail."

Also proposed are a new Department of Alarmism, and an Office for Historical Simplification. The two cabinet agencies will work together closely, the Office for Historical Simplification boiling down complex histories to black-and-white slogans, and the Department of Alarmism acting on misinterpretations of those slogans to scare citizens witless at least twice a week by suggesting further terrorist attacks.

"I sincerely hope that we will be able to more efficiently keep the American people in a state of nervous panic," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. Ashcroft has been criticized by pro-alarmists for his performance over the past month. He claims that he'd have been able to make more outrageous, vague comments regarding the possible deaths of thousands of people if he hadn't had his hands full with a criminal investigation. "I am ready to work with the new Secretary, whomever that may be, to produce truly terrifying and unsubstantial waves of alarmism."

Not everybody in Washington agrees that the new Cabinet positions are a good idea. "The appointment of Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge to lead the new Office of Homeland Security seemed an isolated exception to the president's disdain for increasing the size of government. I agreed with him. But now, well, I'm not sure where he gets off," Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said on Meet the Press. "His proposal for a 'Ministry of Truth' is sure to upsetting to my constituents."

The Ministry of Truth, if created, would work hand-in-hand with the Office for Double-Standard Clarification. According to White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, "Claims such as 'Air Force One was a target' need credible and demonstrable proof if they are to be made. That's where the Ministry of Truth comes in; this executive body will be responsible for finding—or fabricating—the evidence to back up bogus claims of White House spokesmen and presidential advisors. 90% approval is something worth preserving, folks."

The Office of Double-Standard Clarification will be responsible for explaining and dismissing apparent contradictions such as the US seeking alliance with Pakistan and Iran in the war against terrorist-supporting nations. As we went to press, few details were available as to whether any qualified candidates have been born yet.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

• If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
• When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
• When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
• Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
• Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
• If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
• When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
• When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
• When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
• When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signalling for your spot.
• When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
• If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking lot, there isn't any!
• If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number."

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f *** ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

• Genuine Monroe culture shocks
• Transmission reads: "P, N, Back This Thang Up, D"
• That wrap-around sofa you're sitting on? One big subwoofer.
• "If You Can Read This I'm Gonna Put A Cap In Yo Ass" bumper sticker
• Anti-profiling feature: the driver's side tinted window has a white driver painted on it.
• Snow chains? 24-carat gold, G.!
• Built-in Eminem-Hypno-Ray to make any clueless middle-class white dork feel like a real gangsta.
• Dashboard warning light alerts you when you're not getting your props.
• Iz-air condizzioning
• Spare defense lawyer in the trunk
• GangStar Weed-Trac system -- gives you the quickest cop-free route to your nearest dealer.
• HoJack recovery system
• Voice turn signals declare, "Out th' way, punk bitch!" "Out th' way, punk bitch!" "Out th' way, punk bitch!"
• For those long trips: the "Pee-Diddy"

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.
• Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• And your cry-baby whiney-butt opinion would be...?
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Mistakes have been made. Others will be blamed.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• I though I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

• You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
• There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
• You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
• Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
• You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
• You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together atleast a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
• You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "crap".
• July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
• All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
• Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

• Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!"
• Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
• When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
• Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
• Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage.
• Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
• Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags.
• If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved.
• Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station.
• Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines.
• Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
• Invest in your friends' band. They rock.
• When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.

• Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
• Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline
• Circumvent: the opening in the front of boxer shorts
• Coffee: a person who is coughed upon
• Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk
• Flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight you've gained
• Flatulence: the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you've been run over by a steam roller
• Frisbeetarianism: the belief that, when you die, your soul goes upon the roof and gets stuck there
• Gargoyle: an olive-flavored mouthwash
• Lymph: to walk with a lisp
• Negligent: describes the condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
• Oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions
• Pokemon: a Jamaican proctologist
• Rectitude: the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he exams you
• Testicle: a humorous question on an exam
• Willy-nilly: impotent

• Photos from the '85 Xmas party show a tipsy Peggy Noonan let the veep feel "a couple points of light."
• "And the funny part is, I never even learned to READ!"
• Arms for Hostages also included Arms for Peanut Butter and Arms for Those Cool Pens Where the Women's Clothes Come Off When You Turn Them Upside Down.
• Bush the Elder's memo to Ollie North: "New donor wants to aid illegal Contra fund, contact our mujahadin friend in Kabul, codename: 'Osama.'"
• Nobody was lying when they said they didn't know anything. But they weren't generalizing, either.
• Nancy called the shots. Oh-- never mind; we already knew that.
• George Bush Senior's letter to his friends in the oil industry promising any leftover Contra funds to anyone willing to hire George W.
• War on Drugs Exemptions, Part IV, Paragraph A.1.b: "George W. Bush shall be exempt from prosecution for cocaine use."
• Although the Reagans had highly-paid personal astrologers, they pretty much went by the horoscope column in the Washington Post.
• The Iran-Contra coloring book (Ronnie colored way outside the lines)
• Tipsy George Sr. in red dress signing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" to an embarrassed Reagan
• Trees actually do cause air pollution-- if you're an ammonia-breathing alien.
• James Watt was later beaten up by a black, a woman, two Jews, and a cripple. They took turns.
• Enough Iran-Contra evidence to make the Watergate "smoking gun" tapes look like a Van Dankien book
• Dan Quayle's correspondence game of Tic-Tac-Toe with George W.
• The Presidential Filo-Fax filled with sketches of cowboys and airplanes

• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: When you're ready for them, and when you're not ready for them.
• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
• A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
• Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
• When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
• Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
• When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

• "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -Al Gore
• "The future will be better tomorrow." -Vice President Al Gore
• "Public speaking is very easy." -Vice President Al Gore, 10/95
• "I am not part of the problem, I am a Democrat." -Vice President Al Gore
• "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -Vice President Al Gore
• "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96
• "For NASA, space is still a high priority." -Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
• "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Vice President Al Gore
• "As many of you know, I was very instrumental in founding the internet." -Al Gore to Katie Couric, 3/99

• "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning." -Florence, SC, Jan. 11, 2000
• "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -Reuters, May 5, 2000
• "I think we agree, the past is over." -Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
• "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." -Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
• "I understand small business growth. I was one." -New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
• "We ought to make the pie higher." South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb 15, 2000
• "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -Perseverance Month at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, NH
• "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -Greater Nashua, NH, Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
• "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" -New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999
• "When it is all said and done, I will have made more money than I ever dreamed I would make." -Source & Date unknown

1. Aquadextrous: possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes
2. Carperpetuation: the act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance
3. Disconfect: to sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs
4. Elbonics: the actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest at a movie theater
5. Frust: the small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug
6. Lactomagulation: manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side
7. Peppier: the waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper
8. Phonesia: the affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer
9. Pupkus: The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it
10. Telecrastination: The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away

The motorist the replied, "Why I have a great job! I'm a cunt stretcher." "A WHAT?" the cop asked. "I'm a cunt stretcher" the man said. "I first put my finger inside a woman's cunt and then I put another in, then another, then my whole hand, then both hands, until eventually she has a six foot cunt."

The cop looked aghast. "What the HELL is a person gonna do with a six foot cunt, boy?" The motorist then replied, "Give him a radar gun and hide him behind a billboard."

• Seattle Protest Barbie- Complete with painted sign, handcuffs, and double-tall latte! (Anarchist Ken sold separately)
• The Al Gore Doll- So real, it's almost life-like!
• Toy Story 2 adult action figures- Buzzed Lightyear and Morning Woody
• H2-Oh! - Pop it into the freezer and it magically becomes a cold, frosty treat!
• Celery Monster- Cookie Monster's anorexic older sister
• Day Trader Barbie- comes with notebook computer, cell phone, 9mm handgun and emergency cyanide pill
• My First Nipple Ring- Be the first on your block to be banned by your friends' Moms!
• Lower G.I. Joe- Teaches your youngster the joy of colonic irrigation
• PokeYerMom Oedipal Trading Cards
• Crips n' Bloods Operation- "Use the forceps to remove the cap from your ass! But don't set off the buzzer!"
• Potty Training Taco Bell Chihuahua- Teaches Junior where to "Drop the Chalupa."

• How many Crane does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to screw it in, the other two to clap for him in court.
• How many Dragon? We don't know yet. They won't stop contemplating the lightbulb.
• How many Lion? One. Because Akodo said so.
• How many Phoenix? Two, since their leaders are too weak to do anything without the Shiba.
• How many Scorpion? Ten. Nine to distract it, and one to take it by surprise and screw it in before it knows what's going on.
• How many Unicorn? The punchline has something to do with barbarians having sex with horses, well I can't remember the rest but your mother's a whore.
• How many Crab does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NONE! We aren't afraid of the dark!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintainage, down to earth.
Your approach: Challenege her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender drinks
Personality: Flakey, whiney, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your approach: You won't have to approach her; if she's interested she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported beer: He likes good beer and want to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

• Trailing her fingers over his face, tracing his features, Heather stared deeply into Lance's eyes with an impish grin on her face. With a pixie's laugh she said, "Pull my finger."
• Every man she fell for was the same... violent, self-centered, deceptive. But, it would be different this time. She had finally met an honest professional - a member of the WWF!
• While doing the Polka, Anna would dance up against his bulge, then quickly dance away. Twenty minutes of this sensuous dance was all the foreplay she needed.
• She could still remember their night of passion 8 to 10 days ago when strange red boils bloomed on her dewey petal.
• His heart pounded as she slowly unbuttoned her sweater. His desire was almost unbearable as she slowly let it fall. His eyes grew wider as her left breast finally saw the light. Then, a second later, her right. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, her milky white center breast joined the party.
• As their eyes locked over the smoldering ruins of the Japanese city, he growled in passion as only a giant radioactive lizard can.
• Constance sighed softly, bemoaning the loss of her one true love, and then pulled the trigger launching an AIM-9 Sidewinder heat-seeking missle off the rails of her F-14/D fighter, watching is slowly spiral into theengine intake of her lover's MIG, watching it explode, and then radioing back to the USS John Stennis (CVN-72), "Splash one...heart."
• Her lips glistened like a fresh cow pie.
• "Oh, Miss Reno, you ignite fires deep in my soul!" "Oh, please, call me 'Janet!'"
• Slowly Joey Buttafucco lifted Amy's veil...
• Lana's eyes blazed into Antonio's as "their song" slowly wafted up behind them: "You put you left foot in, you put your left foot out..."

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

With a little help from our friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

What was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

These nitwits are teaching our children?

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

-and-

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy).

Some days, it just doesn't help to gnaw through the leather straps.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

The getaway!

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Too well educated?

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Did I say that?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, that smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the- Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

Are we communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

• The Kiddie Pick: When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
• Camouflaged Kiddie Pick: When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
• Fake Nose Scratch: When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
• Making a Meal Out of It: You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
• Surprise Pickings: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
• Autopick: The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. NOTE: Someone is always looking.
• Pick Your Brains: Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
• Pick and Save: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
• Pick and Roll: No explanation needed.
• Pick and Flick: ditto.
• Pick and Stick: You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
• Paydirt: The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

• Make us all feel safer by driving around in Humvees, in full uniform, using bullhorns to announce "There is no reason to panic! Remain calm!"
• Not quite sure what they'd do, but they had better not try to unionize, damn it!
• Do door-to-door Christmas purchase inventories; make list of those not "patriotically spending."
• In preparation for accidents, verify cleanliness of each citizen's underwear.
• Guarding Britney's virginity.
• Taking the place of the wooden soldiers in holiday mall displays.
• Round up suspected Democrats during a liberal Kristalnacht.
• They can make certain the suspects don't bump their head when being shoved into the dark van on the way to their military tribunal and summary execution.
• Cool! They can be another force of people to fiddle while Rome burns.
• "You in the Buick -- if you don't quit hovering behind that Honda and take one of the 50 other parking spaces in this lot, the terrorists will have won!"
• Great opportunity for testing Reebok jackboots.
• Secure a cross-country network of undisclosed cardiac care facilities for housing Dick Cheney.
• What, you got a problem with Fatherland--I mean Homeland Security?!
• Act as "independent observers" during the next election to ensure another "proper count."

• Claire Sargent, a failed Arizona senatorial candidate: "I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough."
• Newt Gingrich, for his attempt to explain how teachers should and should not be selected: "You can now get a certificate to teach German by sitting through enough classes, but if you speak German, you can't teach German, you can't teach German if you don't have a certificate. So you can have a German teacher who can't speak German but they have the certificate so they can teach, even though they can't teach. If you can speak it, you can't teach it, even if you could teach it. Are you with me so far?"
• David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor when discussing his failure to pay taxes: "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
• Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC, discussing the crime rate: "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
• Former Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo on his view of the cause of crime: "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
• Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools in Barrington, Rhode Island: "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
• Paul O'Neill, Treasury secretary on the safety of nuclear reactors: "If you set aside the Three Mile Island and Chernobyl, the safety record of nuclear is really very good."

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

The man's birthday is coming up, so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words -- "Beautiful Butt", tattooed on her butt. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.

He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".

She then tells the man she wants "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her cheeks.

The man tells her "I can't fit that on your butt, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each cheek and that can stand for "Beautiful Butt."

She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and she is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing and bends over.

Her husband yells, "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?!"

• The only character the lead actress hasn't slept with is Fido. Next week's episode: "Every Dog Has His Day"
• The gruff-but-loveable NYPD detective partner is killed off and replaced by one of the Backstreet Boys.
• Dawson and Pacey rekindle the flame when their grandchildren unwittingly place them in the same nursing home.
• Every time a member of the press corps says the words, "Mr. President," the White House Chief of Staff removes another item of clothing.
• Jonathan Winters is still available if you need a toddler.
• The profanity and violence, once "real" and "shocking," now seems overdone and pointless. And Mojo Jojo really seems to be phoning it in lately.
• For some unexplained reason, the entire cast takes a trip to England to meet the Queen.
• This week on a very special "Will and Grace," Jack goes camping and learns that there's more than one way to pitch a tent.
• Their latest attempt to "keep it real" got the entire cast arrested on public urination charges.
• The aroma wafting from the writers' room changes from cannabis to glue.
• "You rag-tag, fun-loving camp counselors are just the kind of people NASA is looking for to man the new space station!"
• "Tonight, on a very special Jackass..."
• Cousin Oliver just sits around belching and picking food out of his beard.
• Dennis Franz has been bugging the producers about some full frontal time for "Little Dennis."
• That new Orenthal guy on "Big Brother" seems strangely familiar.

• Evolution 101: Why dummies might actually make poor sex partners
• Troubleshooting for do-it-yourselfers (NOTE: memorize this chapter BEFORE you go blind!)
• Oh God! Yes!! Oh God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position
• Starting out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?
• Engineering secrets of the bra: Removal in 14 easy steps
• The face: how to tell your lover apart from all those other people
• Chapter 4: "No, you don't *actually* blow."
• Stop masturbating, she's real!
• You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role Playing
• Foreplay: not just for her birthday, Chester
• Putting a condom on a bannana is just for *practice*, dumbass!
• Crouching Doggie, Hidden Missionary: A guide to sexual positions
• "Alternate" lifestyles: Pokeman?
• Hey! Watch those teeth, Vampira!
• Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburgler

• Wait! It's a little tight, but... Yes! The glove does fit!
• I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Satan, Lord of Eternal Hellfire.
• Don't worry, Your Honor- It ain't loaded.
• I request a change of venue to Virginia... no wait, Texas!
• I got your DNA right here, pal!
• Oh yeah? You and what jury?
• Liar! You couldn't have seen me, I was wearing a mask!
• YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Naw, I'm just joking. Bring that bible back here.
• You call these friggen' boneheads of a jury my peers?
• Rape and murder? Absolutely not, You Honor. At least, not in that order.
• Your Honor, with your permission I'd like to play the race card now.
• Who dies and made you Mr. I-Decide-the-Law?

• (Note: I wonder if Andy's reading this....)
• Circumcision reduced its original length by 50%.
• Your wife uses it to floss her teeth.
• You can pee in a bottle. A Coke bottle. Through a straw.
• Your doctor screams, "Call surgery! This man's penis has been severed... oops, false alarm!"
• Lorena makes short work of it with her cuticle scissors.
• When you walk around the house naked, your cat giggles.
• Your Renaissance Festival costume includes a guppypiece.
• "Wait, if that's a wart, then where's your... OH MY GOD!"
• At parties, your ex-girlfriend pointedly says, "Have another cocktail, Frank?" Your name: Ted.
• "And this time, don't bother waking me to tell me you're finished."
• "Next on FOX: Is This Man's Penis Small or WHAT?"
• Rather than have you circumcised, your Rabbi father converted to Shinto and makes regular pilgrimages to the phallus festivals.
• That drilling rig will never find oil, if you know what I mean.
• The hooker says, "Honey, I'm a pro, but you've gotta give me something to work with here."
• Unable to "hit bottom," you have to settle for "banging the hell out of the sides."
• Wearing a Speedo draws unwelcome comparisons to a Ken Doll.
• Well, it's either a small penis or you're a really hairy lesbian with the mother of all yeast infections.
• When asked by a tailor if you dress to the left or the right, you're forced to answer "neither."
• You drive a car that costs more than an average house.
• You twist and warp a major world religion, inflame hundreds of religious fanatics, and convince about 20 of them to hijack four airplanes and crash into a building full of innocent people. (note: the only reason I post this one is because I enjoy laughing at the stupidity of the people who created it)
• Your best pickup line? "Baby, good things come in small packages."

• You can't...until she tells her best friend to tell your best friend.
• She comes up to you and says "I just love fat bald men who drive AMC Pacers and still live with their parents. Want to come home with me?"
• She drops her panties in your shopping cart.
• She maintains eye contact, smiles at you, laughs at your jokes, and is beginning to remove your clothing.
• She doesn't count the money in front of you.
• When you ask for her phone number she writes it lipstick. On your penis!
• Running her finger around the rim of her drink? She might be interested. Running her nipple around the rim of her drink? You're in!
• She dots her i's with little hearts on the restraining order she sends you.
• You've been talking to her for a half hour and she hasn't pepper sprayed you yet.
• OK...that would be by... ummm, you can tell beacause...looking at her...OK...I think I just found out why I'm single.
• Every time she whispers in your ear, she develops an obvious tongue thrust.
• Not only has she given you her phone number, she's given you her cell phone, pager and fax numbers, her home address and a list of references.
• She cleans your kitchen, your bathroom, living room and den, you haven't given her a key, or even invited her in.
• She didn't climb onto your lap because she thinks you're Santa Claus, Chester.
• Those shy glimpses through the eyelashes, the quiet giggle as you walk by, that spiked collar and leash she just snapped around your neck...
• She's lying down, feet up, legs spread, no underwear- and you aren't a gynecologist.

• Can't get enough of those Old Navy commercials.
• Late at night, deep in the cave, he slips on the burka for a slow dance with J. Edgar Hoover.
• Apparently would prefer to spend the rest of eternity with 70 virgins than one action-packed evening with a Jersey girl.
• A beige turban? With a camouflage djellabah? If he's not crazy, his stylist sure is!
• Wonders how come Allah doesn't appear to anyone else in the form of a Power Puff Girl.
• He's decided to get out of the terrorism business and open a Sizzler in Jalalabad.
• Claims that's him playing Gandalf in the "Lord Of The Rings" movies.
• "Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin..."
• He's the only one at the cave's water cooler commenting on how funny last night's "Ellen" was.
• "...so for the lowest prices on cave furnishings, come see me, Nutty Osama, at Nutty Osama's Cave World! I'm nuttier than a fruitcake -- and I will NOT be undersold!"
• He just declared a jihad against pudding. As if anybody could be angry at pudding!
• Chants the "Batman" theme whenever he enters or leaves his cave.
• Is convinced that NOW Jodie Foster will notice him.
• Declared jihad against Dr. John Carter for totally blowing off that hot nurse, Abby.
• Gets all pissed off because nearest Istanbul Pizza Hut won't deliver 800 miles to his cave.
• Abandoned life as a swinging Saudi millionaire to live in a cave in the desert. You do the math.
• Keeps asking Islamabad for A) military support and B) "The Bold and the Beautiful" updates.
• "Look! Sand and more sand, as far as the eye can see! And it's mine! All MINE!!"
• Promises to stop campaign of terror if someone would just UPS a friggin' Xbox to his cave.
• Language problems resulted in him investing millions developing Nerf gas.
• His next evil plot involves a burlap sack full of squirrels and 700 kazoos.

EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

EMPLOYMENT:

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those "important" messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method

HONORS AND AWARDS:
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.

• You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
• You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
• Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
• The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
• The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
• The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
• If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
• Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
• Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
• You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
• You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
• The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

• I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
• If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
• Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
• Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
• What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
• The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
• I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
• One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is "to be prepared"
• May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
• Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
• We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
• I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
• People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
• I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
• We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
• Public speaking is very easy.
• I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
• I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
• A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
• When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
• Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
• Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year.
• We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
• For NASA, space is still a high priority.
• Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
• The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
• We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
• It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
• [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cookoff, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Doc: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Doc: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Doc: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good sidedish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Doc: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Doc: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Doc: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally the barmaid.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

Doc: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

Doc: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

• Who's your daddy, geekboy?
• Ooh, look! It's *shiny*!
• Does a little more, sucks a little less.
• Now with tailfins!
• It's XP-alidocious!
• All profits go to charity... PSYCH!
• Anti-trust-free since 2001
• "Screens of Death" in all colors of the rainbow!
• Look, lemmings- a cliff!
• Goes down even less than your husband!
• Invest in America! Purchase a completely unnecessary upgrade now! It'll drive the Taliban NUTS!
• Think similar.
• What else ya gonna do, buy a Mac, you artsy-fartsy little weenie?

• Age of Umpires: Beanball Wars
• Frisbee Commando
• Star Trek: Redshirt Rampage!
• Old Yeller: The Game
• Alf-Life: Melmac Avenger
• Resident Elvis
• Ad Exec- destroy competing game systems with rumor, technobabble, and promo bombs!
• Ass Kicker- be the one-legged man in the classic lumberjack sport!
• Captain Cupid's Love Squirtgun
• Funny Magic Flopsy Bunnies Attack!
• Happy Sunshine Shooter- killing is bad, make people happy with magical rainbows.
• Polititian- shoot off bad policies and mudsling your way to office.
• The Librarian- fre books back on the shelf into alphabetical rder, and get bonus points for hitting the punks in the corner with a dictionary.
• Software Competitor Seek and Destroy (proudly presented by Microsoft)

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coolly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. ONE, you have not studied your lesson. TWO, you have a dirty mind. And THREE, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before the could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!

• I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
• A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
• I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
• A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
• I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
• Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
• A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
• A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
• I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
• A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
• A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
• A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" She replied, "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

Your're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore me
Sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a term paper?

Kitty likes plastic,
Confuses with litter box.
Don't leave tarp around.

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.

Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps wake the dead.

I want to be close
To you. CanI fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! My Big One
Has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue.

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp...

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much."

Litter box not here
You moved it on me again
I'll crap in the sink.

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey."

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

• If two Crabs should meet - the first person to get Yakamo, O-Ushi, The Rock, Worf and a good card into play wins.
• If two Cranes should meet - there will be an arts festival. The first person to draw an accurate portrait of a naked woman wins.
• If two Lion should meet - The person with facial hair wins. Should this prove dificult to calculate the person with the most belly button fluff wins.
• If two Dragon should meet - the first person to use the line "The Dragon are good at everything, but great at nothing" loses.
• If two Scorpion should meet - the person who doesn't drop dead to the floor due to a subtle yet deadly poison applied to the rim of his/her Coke can wins by default.
• If two Mantis should meet - both will roll a blank die. The player with the highest number wins.
• If two Naga should meet - logistically improbable.
• If two Phoenix should meet - the person who can remember who their clan champion was before Tsukune wins Gencon.
• If two Unicorn should meet - either player may as an open action prevent the other player from participating in the game.
• If two Ninja meet - the person who shows up for the game loses.
• If two Shadowlands meet - there will be a great darkness of blood and fire, and the evil vowels of doom will blaze in the night sky, and the armies of several nasty demon-overlords will occupy the body of the Emperor, and...
• If two Monks should meet - there will be a martial-arts contest. The first person to lift his leg above his waist wins.
• If two TA players meet - no one will give a shit.

• The Fed lowers interest rates to 0% and no payments till July 2002.
• No requirement whatsoever that corporations make America breakfast after screwing us.
• Because of a simple typo, most of the benefits go to guys *named* Rich.
• Not only are there tax breaks for the wealthy, the bill actually mentions them by name.
• Free government cheese -- to go with the top 1%'s wine.
• Provision to boost CEO morale buy granting them the right to sleep with employee wives on their wedding nights.
• Excited by idea that "a rising tide raises all boats," Bush includes in package a free yacht to all Fortune 500 execs.
• New corporate welfare does not include corporate food stamps, forcing Bill Gates to cut his caviar consumption by 1/10th.
• Skittles for everyone!
• Free pre-bankruptcy consultation with every home equity loan.
• Misunderstanding of "trickledown effect" means that it is now law that congresspeople get to actually piss on lower classes.
• Instead of food stamps, poor to now be provided with nutritious new food called soylent green.
• The environment is leased to Exxon-Mobil for $1 per year.
• Skipping the middle man, 50% of military budget now goes directly into golden parachutes of defense industry CEOs.
• The EPA is liquidated to help pay for the tax cuts.

Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

• Never play Naga.
• There should never have been a Ninja stronghold.
• Palaces of Otosan-Uchi is really called Palaces of Hideous Cheese.
• Always kill the guy with 38 honour.
• Don't play Crane and expect to get invited to stag parties.
• It is wrong to play with Finding the Harmony.
• Never place a garden properly, it makes them less effective and more expensive.
• All Crab players are called Brian.
• You had Gohei. Suffer.
• Any card made to boost a Clan other than Phoenix will boost the Phoenix more.
• No, Crab, your vigil against the Shadowlands *isn't* the centrepoint of L5R. Deal. (D'oh!)
• It doesn't matter how many good cards you give Dragon, they'll still never win anything.
• It doesn't matter how many tourneys the Monks win, people will still find them funny. (especially the one on the Gold version of Retirement!)
• There will always be an immortal evil that possesses the Emperor that the Clans have to rally together against to fight.
• If a Scorpion player is dissing your Clan, tell them you just saw Kachiko working at the local chippy. (???)
• Sanzo's Army my ass.
• Don't play Naga. We really mean it.

• Afghanistan women offering their "services" to our troops by "showing a little ankle".
• US bomber pilots fooled by plywood city, like in "Blazing Saddles."
• New set for Survivor 4.
• Al Qaeda making crude bombs from the peanut butter and crackers we air dropped.
• Statues honoring Ronald Reagan.
• The fabulous Afghanistan resorts and spas.
• Bin Laden's stash of weapons crates with "Made In the USA" stamped on them.
• Typical military target-
  Before: pile of worthless rubble
  After: same pile of worthless rubble
• Afghanistan itself, because then we would wonder why we're wasting our expensive bombs on that stone-age dung heap.
• AfghanDisney
• Giant obscenities spelled out with US food packets.

• When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
• When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if f you value your life.
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
• Do not take *anything* from the dead.

• Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
• Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
• Always lands on her spleen.
• Fewer calls to the Fire Department, but a sudden upsurge of broken branches.
• Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
• No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
• Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
• It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
• "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
• Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
• He only catches mice that get stuck in his gravitational pull.
• Enormous gut keeps you hardwood floor freshly buffed.
• Has more chins than lives.

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

He continues reminiscing.

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

The reminiscing continues.

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at, when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!

But if you fuck one goat..."

Phil phoned his best friend Bob and said "I heard a new joke! Wanna hear it?"

Bob said, "Sure I do."

Phil asked, "What has a small dick and hangs down?"

After a few seconds of thinking, Bob answered, "Uh, I dunno... a bat?"

Phil said, "Good! Ok, now what has a big dick and hangs up?"

Bob thought and then said, "Uh, don't know, I give up."

*CLICK*

• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
• On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
• If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
• The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
• Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
• Prejudiced people are all alike.
• What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
• Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
• Evil is not all bad.
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
• Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
• There's no such thing as nonexistance.
• Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
• As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
• He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
• I disagree with unanimity.
• I have my doubts about disbelief.
• Avoid Alliteration. Always.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• One should never generalize.
• Avoid cliches like the plague.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• Profanity sucks.
• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
• Death to all fanatics!
• An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn
• If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. -former VP Dan Quayle
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
• Rehab is for quitters!
• The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
• Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
• My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
• I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
• I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
• Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
• I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
• Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
• There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.
• Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.

• "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, even though you wretched peckerwoods are all too stupid, ignorant, and unimportant to avoid jury service, I'm sure you can understand my client's position..."
• "In the words of OJ Simpson..."
• "That guy over there? He's full of shit."
• "My client loves all men. Mostly with a Bernaise Sauce and bottle of zinfandel, but loves them nonetheless."
• "Even though all the evidence makes my client look really, REALLY guilty...."
• "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're probably wondering where my pants are."
• "He didn't do it. Thank you."
• "I'll try to make this brief so you can fry my thieving bastard of a client."
• "I'm sorry, your honor, I can't make an opening statement. I seem to have wet my pants."

• Use as a marital aid nullifies warrenty.
• Warning: This fad will dissapear in six weeks.
• Uranium-236 not included.
• As with real appliances, this thing will burn your careless ass.
• Some dismemberment may occur.
• Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.
• Harmful if swallowed with massive quantities of vodka.
• Not to be takin internally, literally, or seriously.
• Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
• NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
• Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.
• Manufacturer not responsible for accidents involving EZ-Bake Oven and Suicide-Watch Barbie.
• Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys.
• Do not place Captain Viagra within 5"-7" of an open flame.
• For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.
• Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" from Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.
• Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
• Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
• Syringe and vaccine sold separately.
• In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
• Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
• For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.
• Replacement blades and toes not included.
• Warning: although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

• The Universal Law of Gift Exchange: All presents must come in boxes with the lid wrapped separately from the rest of the package to allow for easy opening.
• The Cousin Olliver Corollary: As soon as the young, cute child becomes gangly or awkward, he/she is relegated to the background and a new young, cute child will be introduced.
• The Pet Theorem: Anytime there is a prominent family pet, odds are it will be smarter than at least one other character on the show.
• Remini's Conjecture: Pudgy, average-looking men always marry hot women. Pudgy, average-looking women don't exist.
• The cuter the child star, the longer the rap sheet.
• Lucy already did it, and it was funnier in 1953 than it is now.
• Carrot Top is not funny. EVER.
• Chrissy's First Law of Teledynamics: The subject of a telephone conversation, when overheard from behind the door of an adjacent room, can be fully and accurately ascertained from as few as two words.
• Statute of Prevarication: A znay scheme is always easier than telling the truth.
• A cynical, funny, but nerdy guy will eventually have sex with all his attractive female friends -- not that I'm bitter, mind you.
• The Will & Grace Paradox: Sitcoms can be funny. Gay people can be funny. But for some unknown reason, sitcoms about gay people are NOT funny.
• The Kramer Conundrum: If no one watched The Michael Richards Show, did it make a sound when it was canceled?
• Any problem taking more than 30 minutes to solve must be labeled "Very Special."
• Schwimmer's Law: No matter how irritating a character may be, the other characters will never bludgeon him to death.

• Thou Shalt Honor Thy White House-Sanctioned Spin
• Thou Shalt Not Laugh At Bill Maher, His Jokes, Or Refer To His Traitorous Comments As "Free Speech." He's Not Funny, Just Smarmy And Full Of Himself, And That Pinko Hollywood Homo-Lover Had Better Watch His Back
• Thou Shalt Visit The State Of Our Supreme Leader's Younger Sibling Jed, And Worship At The Corporate Altar of Walt Disney
• Thou Shalt Mock Past Presidents and Past Presidents Only (Especially James Earl Carter, Jr.)
• Thou Shalt Not Covet The Sumptuously Androgynous Posterior of Karen Hughes (note: Anyone want to tell me who the hell this is?)
• Thou Shalt Not Question Authority Unless The Authority In Question Is:
  
  • A Gratuitously Smarty-Pants Academic
  • A Meddling Liberal Journalist
  • An Uppity Feminist
  • Super-Powered, Suicidal Madmen Bent On World Domination
• Thou Shalt Have No Other Press Secretary But Me, and Thou Shalt Abstain From Noting My Resemblance To A Balding Warthog
• Thou Shalt Not Disparage The First Lady's Taste In Contemporary Pantsuits
• Thou Shalt Not Doubt That Our Leader Channeleth The Truth Through Me - Lest Thou Wisheth To Find Thyself On The Receiving End Of A Painfully Thorough FBI Body Cavity Search
• Thou Shalt Drape Thyself In The Flag, Offer Prayers To Jesus Christ, And VOTE REPUBLICAN!

"What's the matter young lady?" asks a concerned shop assistant.

"I've lost my mummy!" wails little Nina, sobbing convulsively.

"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now what's mummy like?"

"Big cocks and vodka," sobs little Nina.

• Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
• I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
• I never get hungry.
• I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
• If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
• I would've been more successful if no one had snitched on me.
• My legs are really hairy.
• I think I'm going to throw up.
• At times I have the urge to do something harmful or shocking.
• I feel uneasy indoors.
• Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
• Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

Treating Burns and Scalds: Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

Fractures and Broken Limbs: Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

Choking On Food: Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

Cuts and Wounds: Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha Ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

Objects Stuck in Eye: Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object o