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Canadian Rule Under Discouraged Dictators with Lowered Expectations
Greetings! I imagine you ventured in here on a journey to find my personal WBS chat homepage. But no, you, you sly dog, have uncovered a growing internet conspiracy involving global domination. (Eat your heart out, John Grisham, two can play this game.) Very cunning of you, indeed. Or perhaps you're just some hapless schmuck who wandered in quite by accident. At any rate, welcome to CRUDDLE Headquarters, the page dedicated to overthrowing our (allegedly) friendly neighbors to the north. That's right, the evil nation of Canada. Please check your indignation at the door, this is merely my feeble attempt at humour. If you're going to give me grief about it, you may as well leave now. Go on, get lost.
Are they gone yet? Good, now we can dish about them. Overly sensitive bunch of fuddy duddies, aren't they? Alright, back to the task at hand. Now if you've been paying attention so far, you'll note that I used the phrase "global domination", when in fact we're only planning to overthrow Canada. The truth is, I used to have plans for total world domination, but it's true what my high school guidance counselor said, I'm a classic underachiever. So I'm going to settle for Canada.
Why Canada, you ask? Well, if you're NOT asking, if you already know the answer to that question, you may be just the sort of person we're looking for. Click on the email icon toward the bottom of the page to send us your resume and a brief essay (500 words or less) detailing why you'd make the perfect addition to the CRUDDLE team. We're currently accepting applications for deep cover agents and general basher types. Wait, wait, before you get your hot little hands on that email button, hear me out. Suuuure, everyone wants to be a spy, why not? You get to wear all the cool disguises, drive the hot cars, practice your phony accents, and sleep with all the Canadian babes. But it takes a real team player to knock some heads together and endure regular beatings for your nation. If you've a natural tendency to lurk about, a penchant for crushing aluminum with your head, and have ever earned additional income by posing as an extra in police lineups, odds are this is your calling.
For those of you who need further convincing, come sit near me, you poor, poor, blind souls. Sure, those Canadians seem friendly, harmless, polite -- a little too polite. Some might say inhuman. And why do you suppose they're always speaking in French? To confuse us, that's why. What do you think they're talking about? They've got a big plan of their own, baby, and it isn't pretty. All I can tell you is it involves implementation of the metric system and forced use of words like "oot", "aboot", and even *shudder*..."zed". They've already got their spies dispersed throughout the country, in many of our major cities. Mmm-hmm, you guessed it. Hockey players.
Shhhh...come closer, the spies are all about.
A startlingly logical argument thus far, you say? But you still claim Canada has never commited an overt act of terrorism against us? Jim Carrey. Need I say more? And look at things from a logical point of view. Even if their plans fail (and let's face it, their top agents are hockey players - they're doomed), gravity is still on their side. Our tubby neighbors to the north will continue to fatten up on back bacon and beer, populating the nation with chubby little hoser children until finally, Canada slides down and crushes us.
Oooh, and let's not forget the Santa Claus conspiracy. Yes, St. Nick, Canada's best form of propaganda yet, and we're spoon-feeding it to our children. Where does the jolly old man live? Thaaat's right, Canadian owned soil. Who's the most beloved icon of children? Well, okay, after Barney. No, eliminate Disney from the picture altogether. Come on, Einstein, it's a no-brainer, do I have to draw it out for you?
Yes, Santa Claus. (I'm putting you down as a "basher", alright?) But do you see how they're subverting our young generations? Do you think your love of Baywatch is natural? Good God, man, Pamela Anderson Lee's success is a direct result of years of brainwashing by the big man, causing you to think that everything wondrous and magical comes from the great white north. Or...it could be the implants, but that's a topic for another day.
Lest you remain unconvinced, let us take a moment to consider the name. Santa Claus. A clever, though not indecipherable anagram for "Canada steal US". You have to add an "a", "e", and "d" yourself, I told you they were crafty. But I'm on to them. I've uncovered and documented hundreds of pages of just this sort of diabolical scheming. To obtain a complete copy of my manifesto, now available through a trial offer for just $19.95, contact me using the email link below.
I expect it will be an easy victory, and we'll soon be enjoying the riches of the Canadian land. Imagine that glorious day when all will be ours, untamed wilderness, unparalleled beauty, and the McKenzie brothers dancing for us like puppets on a stage. They're ripe for the picking, these hosers. Their worst enemy is their own government. You see, the sorry bastards aren't even allowed to fortify their breakfast cereals. Their pitifully riboflavin-deprived bodies will offer us no resistance as we trample through them to claim the land. So I urge you -- nay, as your leader, I command you to have a generous second helping of your Cap'n Crunch each morning, secure in the knowledge that you're saving your country. Man, those guys at Quaker Oats should be paying me for this stuff.
As always, questions, comments, fan mail, and death threats are welcome. If you haven't discerned it already, this entire page has been a desperate (though I feel, fascinatingly clever) cry for attention, particularly in the form of email.
Why not take the time out to humour a freak today and drop me a line? God would want you to. I'm an equal opportunity offender, I didn't want the Christians to feel left out.
Or...if you've got too much time on your hands (and you made it this far, you loser, that's a given), why not check out my links below?
Yes, a hoser, but I like him all the same. Magnanimous of me, eh? He has possibly the coolest trivia game I've played on the net. If you think you know everything there is to know about music trivia, go try your hand at Rock Golf. But don't come crying back to me when I kick your butt.
Another favourite trivia site, this one covering every imaginable topic. Wow the net with your arcane knowledge of useless facts and submit stumpers of your own, climbing up the Trivia Ink hall of fame to internet glory. What, you've got something better to do?
Ahhh...here it is, the best collection of Celtic links to be had. Want to learn more about Celtic languages, culture, and tradition? Check out some awesome artwork and clipart, delve into Celtic spiritualism, or just satisfy your unnatural craving for bagpipe music, it's all here.
Who's cool in music? If you don't know Rusted Root, you must check them out. Quick do it now, while you still have a chance to give meaning to your empty shell of a life. In fact, they're so amazing that one link doesn't do them justice. Check out more Rusted Root at this site. Go on, you'll thank me for it later.
Envirolink is a non-profit, environmental agency servicing organizations and volunteers across the nation. Yes, a veritable plethora of environmental resources now at your fingertips. You no longer have an excuse to be ignorant. Go there now, my minions, I command you.
Listen, do you really want to let a bunch of kids and pre-teens rule the world? Or even a website? Stop over there, check out the huge variety of cool games, maybe even pick yourself up a nifty virtual pet. Then train him to undefeatable levels and begin to squelch the dreams of so many unsuspecting children. Mwuhahahahaa...well, whatever, that particular tactic worked for me, but maybe you just want to play solitaire or something.
The ultimate Scrabble site online...okay, perhaps the only Scrabble site online, but regardless, if you're a fan of the game, you want to check this one out. Play one-on-one games with friends, or join organized tourneys.
