"towards the light", digital photography, 2002
self-loathing and self-shame. The pain is intense, consistent, and
strong. There is no escape for there is no escaping from one's mind.
I am alone, yet so many are here, taunting me with their lives of perfection.
My logical mind know this cannot be, that they have their troubles
as I do mine. Yet my soul is ignorant of such logic and takes their
happiness as a personal attack on my shattered heart. I don't know how I
came to be a person filled ith such despair. The cynical side has
taken over so that even my smiles are tarnished and stained. I guess I am
selfish or maybe just jealous, jealous o fothers who get the happiness I seek.
I know I am not meant to find this happiness, perhaps undeserving,
perhaps unlucky. I am unsure of my worth as a person. I know there
is a reason I am here, but I don't know why. My logical mind craves a
reason for the torment, craves some kind of resolution that would make
everything seem worthwhile. I fear there is no reason. I know I have
many blessings in my life, but my pessimism focuses on that which I lack.
In some's eyes, I have achieved greatness, but to myself, the truth is
I am nothing at all. There once was a time that I felt my despair came
from the surface, but now I think it is at the root of who I am. I
sabotage myself from ever finding happiness. I have built my
prison, so I must hold the key, the key to unlock this pain in my depths
but I do not have the strength or the knowledge right now. This is
not about suicide for that is impossible. To kill yourself
you must feel you deserve to die. I deserve the pain of loneliness.
It is what I have chosen for myself though I know not why. So I remain
in the abyss, a spectator to the world and all of the happiness
it could bring, trapped in my mind, witnessing the world through
a hazy glass, all the while knowing it is in my power to escape.
Oh the cruel irony of it all!
