Homer on jobs "If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way."
Homer on sports "Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose, its how drunk you get."
Homer at a game "This ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself."
Homer on the movies "Give me my dignity. I just came here to see 'Honk if you're horny' in peace."
Homer on fairy tales "Vampires are make believe. Just like Elves, Gremlins, and Eskimoes."
Homer on missing pets Crying isn't going to bring the dog back ... unless your tears smell like dog food. Maybe if you ate a lot of dog food, your tears would start to smell like dog food. So you can sit here and eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food so it brings the dog back, or you can go out and find him.....damn, I almost had the boy eating dog food."
Homer on jury duty "Remember, son, the trick to advoiding jury duty is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
Homer on the bible "Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
Homer on pigs Homer : "So Lisa your not going to eat any meat anymore, not even bacon?"
Lisa : "No"
Homer : "Ham?"
Lisa : "No"
Homer : "Pork chops"
Lisa : "Dad those all come from the same animal"
Homer : "Yes Lisa, A special magical animal from fairy land!"
Homer on Public Speaking "Attention ladies and gentlemen: If I could just say a few words....I'd be a better public speaker"
Homer Simpson/Ralph Wiggum 
