I hear tell this town of Tombstone has some real tough hombres, he said, lookin right at me. Know any of em?
If theyre here and theyre tough, I know em, I told him. Even if they aint tough, I still know em. Aint enough hombres around for me not to know em.
Whos the fastest man with a gun in these parts?
Thats probably Two-toe Thompson. Hes so fast he can shoot hisself in the foot twice before the other gun-slinger clears leather.
Hes real dangerous, then?
Only to boots and toes. They call that high spot over yonder boot hill cause thats where he buries his shot-up footwear.
How come the other guy, after he finally gets his six-gun outta the holster, doesnt gun him down?
Man hoppin around on one foot and howling like a turpentined dog kin be very distracting and hard to hit. Fella usually empties his gun and then rolls around laughin so much he caint reload?
Guess what I want to know is whos the best shot of the lot?
Thatd be Dead-Eye Dickson. They call him that cause one eye aint no good for seein. But usin the other eye he kin shoot the horn offen a horned-toad. Only he wouldnt shoot at a toad. Only wastes his lead on pop bottles and tin cans. Says theys so few hombres around that men are more important than reputations. Wont even shoot a prairie dog. Says they got a place in natures plan. People never mess with him cause with idees like that they know hes plumb loco. Besides, if he ever got it into his mind to start shootin people, wouldnt be nothin left but prairie dogs and horned toads.
Who would you say has the most notches on his gun?
Ole Jess Willard. He never does no shootin, but when the gunfire gits too loud hes liable to walk up and whomp one of the gunmen aside the head with the butt of his gun. Hates loud noises. They aint so much notches as they are nicks where the headbone cracks into the gun-butt.
I hear tell Wyatt Earp used to hole up here. Tell me about him.
Not much to tell. Always set in a corner sos nobody could git behind him. Stood with his back to the wall. I always thought his pants wuz split up the back, or somethin, but I walked in behind him once and he warnt showin any more behind than anybody else.
What do they call you?
Depends on whether theyre bigger than me. Iffen they are, they call me anythin they want.. Otherwise, Im known as Doc Holliday. I pull teeth in that room in back of the barber shop. While back, some writer feller come to town and wrote a piece about how dangerous I wuz. Didnt nobody come in with a tooth-ache for months after that.
Didnt Billy the Kid stop here for a while?
Yes, siree. Used to deliver groceries for Ron Teller down at the general store. Had to git rid of him, though, because of his gun-play. Everbody shoots at tin cans once in a while, but he shot at the ones he was deliverin. People dont cotton to gittin their canned peaches with all the juice drained out through bullet holes. Some say he put a hole in twenty-one cans afore he was sixteen years old and they run him outta town.
By the way, if anybody wants to know who you been talkin to, Im Bat Masterson. Used to be Sheriff of Abilene. Real rootin, tootin, shootin, son-of-a-gun. Ill be a legend in my own time if I can just git someone to write my story the way I tell it. Until then, I write for the sports page of the New York Telegram. Real tough town. Take your life in your hands everyday just ridin those trolley cars. Lend me your gun, Ill show you some fancy shootin.
I handed him my Colt revolver. He twirled it around his finger, made bang, bang noises and then accidentally pulled the trigger and shot off his big toe.
Like he said, rootin, tootin, shootin, son of a gun. Legend in his own time.