Wow. Here I am. This is where I tell my story. First let me say that I know some of you will be shocked by what you read here. I'd be willing to bet that this is something that you don't know about me. This was the hardest part of my page for me to write, and even harder for me to publish here.

Well, I guess this is it. Time for me to take a deep breath and tell you my story. Here goes....

This all started about 7 years ago, in July of 1991. I was 20 years old. I met this guy named Andy one night while I was out with one of my girlfriends. He seemed like a nice enough guy, so we started dating. In the beginning Andy was very sweet and attentive. But it didn't last long. My parents hated Andy for a reason I could not figure out. I didn't see anything wrong with him. Yes we fought, but that was not a reason for them to hate him. I guess they saw something in him that I could not see...yet.

My parents hated him so much in November or 1991 they gave me an ultimatum. Stop seeing Andy or find somewhere else to do it from. I was not going to live in their home and see him. I made the wrong decision and moved in with him the next month. Things were all rosy for about 2 weeks. That is when I began living in hell.

The first time Andy hit me was after we had been living together for about 2 weeks. He had been out with his friends drinking heavily. He came home and wanted money for some drugs. When I told him if he wanted to do that, to use his own paycheck and find somewhere else to live, he beat the rest of my own paycheck out of me. He left me crying and bruised on the floor of our bedroom, and stayed away for 2 days. He came home crying with flowers for me. He apologized to me and said it would never happen again. He lied to me.

A month went by and nothing happened. He told me daily that he loved me, and I believed him. It was the worst thing I ever could have done. My friends had stopped coming around and the only people I saw were his friends and the people I worked with. I saw my family only on ocassion. He had isolated me from any support I could have had. Finally he went on another drinking and drug binge that lasted for roughly 2 weeks. I was never so frightened in my entire life as I was those 2 weeks. I saw the mood swings but never saw him doing any drugs or drinking. I couldn't figure out what had changed him. Then one night we went to bed and after I was asleep he went out. He woke me in the middle of the night kicking me. He had borrowed money from the wrong person for drugs and now that person was after him. He said if I didn't give him the money to pay him back he would hurt Andy and then hurt me. At first I refused him the money, but instead of someone else, Andy beat it out of me once again. This time I left him.

It was April of 1992. I left Andy and moved into my own apartment. For a time it was peaceful, but Andy would not let me be. He came again, crying. He told me he was sorry, did the same song and dance routine he had done before. I told him I wouldn't believe the same lies twice. But this time there was a new twist to his story, he was seeking help. He was in a drug rehab program and AA. He was also seeking counseling for his problem with violence. I let him back in my life. For a long time things seemed to be peaceful for us. The drinking, the drugs and the beatings had stopped. In July of 1992 Andy was offered a job in Las Vegas with a construction company that his cousin owned. Since the job market here was bad, he moved. He begged me to come with him. At first I was reluctant to go, I liked my life at the time. He made the argument that we could have a fresh start in a new town where there was no one to oppose us. Since we had gotten back together we met obstacle after obstacle, the biggest of which was my family. I decided that he was right. I could always find work in Las Vegas, and a fresh start would be good for us, so a month later I followed him to Nevada.

It was the mistake of a lifetime. Our life was peaceful for about 2 weeks. By then I wished I had never left Illinois. As soon as we were settled in, he reverted right back to the same person he was when I had left him the first time. Only now he was 10 times worse. As soon as I found a job he quit his. He started drinking and doing drugs and now he added gambling to his daily pasttimes. The year I spent in Las Vegas was the worst hell of my life. The beatings got to be almost daily. He was always angry that we didn't have enough money for all of his habits. But at the same time he wondered why I could barely pay the rent. I finally had enough I decided that my life was not worth living if I had to live it like that. I made an attempt at ending my life. Somehow my parents found out about the attempt and my dad showed up in Las Vegas and brought me home.

If there was ever a time that I felt isolated and smothered at the same time, this was it. I was isolated because there was no way anyone could understand what I had lived through. They had no clue. I was smothered at the same time because my parents would rarely let me out of the house alone unless I was going to work. I rarely wanted to leave the house at that time anyway, I had fallen in to a depression so deep I didn't really care if I crawled out or not. I was entered into therapy and eventually I started to rebuild my life and myself.

It has been a long and hard road. It has been almost 5 years since I left Andy, and I'm still not completely healed. I have a major trust issues and have allowed very few people inside the walls I have built up around myself. I feel like I have been numb for the last few years, not feeling, not seeing, not living! Something has changed in me recently, something that has made me want to feel, to see and to live my life, not simply exist. The road ahead of me is long and hard, but with the help of some very special people in my life (you know who you are!) and one very special man (who also knows who he is) I will be a stronger person for the hell I have come through.

Well I hope that my story doesn't shock those of you who know me too badly; it seems to shock the people that know me, they never expected that I have been to hell and back. Well, for those of you that would like more info on domestic violence there are some great links below. For those of you that are living the life I was, I have one thing to tell you.

Good info sources

One Courages Woman's Story of Survival
Good Advice for Family and Friends of Victims
An Excellent Site if YOU Need Help
A Great Orgization that Helps Women in Need

Email: kag@sprintmail.com