The Angry Red Dessert : Jello discovered on Mars
Theologians ponder implications
From "THE DOOR" -- A RELIGIOUS SATIRE MAGAZINE
Did life originate in a primordial gelatin on Mars?
When the Mars probe reaches the Red Planet this
summer, scientists have one more question they hope
it will answer. Photos from the Hubble Space
"...the floods stood upright as an heap, and the depths
were congealed..." (Exodus 15:8)
The news leaked to the press yesterday, while
scientists were still meeting with Jello
spokesperson Bill Cosby and Clinton administration
officials about how best to proceed. If confirmed,
the discovery would greatly facilitate exploration
and colonization of the planet, according to NASA.
"It's exciting, because a source of Jello on the
planet would mean that explorers and colonists would
not have to transport their own supplies of such an
unstable substance with them aboard cargo supply
rockets," said Dr. Paul Shemish of the Mars Probe
team. "All they would need to bring would be the
molds for their congealed salads. And of course,
there would still be the problem of getting the
stuff to stay on your spoon."
Spectral analysis of the photos from the Hubble
telescope revealed a combination of water, food
coloring, sweetener and gelatin. All are common
ingredients of Jello.
"If it's not Jello, I don't know what is," said
professor Gene Hackov of the Jet Propulsion
Laboratory. "There's nothing else it could be."
Their analysis seemed to be confimed Tuesday, when
scientists monitoring seismic activity on Mars
noticed that the mountain continued to jiggle even
after shock waves from a recent quake had subsided.
The discovery of Jello on Mars has reignited a
controversy among theologians over the origins of
life. Last year, signs of ancient microbes were
discovered inside a meteorite from Mars found in
Antarctica. In December, water was discovered on the
"It throws into question everything we've ever known
about the origins of life and nutrition," said
Father Stephan Cole of the Vatican's Space and Foods
Council. "Enough Jello could have existed at one
time on Mars to support primitive life forms, even
though Jello has precious little nutritional value,
as you know."
Conspiracy theorists are having a field day with the
news, charging that government authorities have
covered up a connection with the so-called "Face on
Mars." A NASA spokesperson confirmed that the
current theory on the unusual geologic formation is
that it is "carved from a giant congealed salad the
size of Baltimore."
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