NARRATOR: Welcome to the club. I am your host/ess for the evening. Relax as I take you on a trip to our own little place. We get past security because we are too fly, and meet up with our pretty boy bartender ROB…

ROB (sitting a glass down)That’ll be three-fifty.

NARRATOR: His bougie friend PRESTON…

PRESTON I ain’t got it, hook it up.

NARRATOR: And their boy from the hood, T-LOC

T-LOC Why I gotta pay again?

PRESTON ‘cause I got you in. Again.

T-LOC Iight then.

NARRATOR: Rob’s girl CANDI is here too.

CANDI P, you are always trying to punk T. Skip this, I’m gonna go dance.

ROB Don’t be too long, baby.

NARRATOR: But, Rob’s new ‘friend’ Rose is on the dance floor, not liking what she sees…

ROSE Do y’all see this heifer?

NARRATOR: And Rose brought backup in Mercedes…

MERCEDES What? Who?

NARRATOR: And Lexus…

LEXUS Oh oh, she flirting with your man, girl.

ROSE I know, blowing him kisses and what not.

MERCEDES Please don’t go over there.

ROSE Nah, it’s cool. I’m just gonna go talk.

(HEELS CLICKING)

ROSE Excuse me… but who you blowing kisses to?

CANDI That ain’t your concern, so you need to get out of my face.

ROSE It kinda IS my concern, when you are flirting with my man.

CANDI YOUR man? All he probably did was serve you a drink. And if he WAS your man, he wasn’t last night!

LEXUS (walking up) Girl, are you alright?

ROSE Yeah, girl. Let’s go.

CANDI I know you wasn’t about to call the pigeon patrol on me!

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back at the bar…

ROB Aw, spit. Catfight!

T-LOC(to Rob) Where, dog?

ROB See where Candi and em standing?

T-LOC Word. Ay, P, Look!

PRESTON Drama.

NARRATOR: This is not the only place where there’s drama. Let’s check out our local precinct, where DETECTIVE CHARLIE is meeting with CAPTAIN THOMAS about his promotion.

(DOOR SHUT)

CHARLIE So, Captain. What’s the good word?

CAPTAIN THOMAS Are you serious?

CHARLIE(sighs) Not again.

CAPTAIN THOMAS Look, I keep telling you the board is not going to promote you with your off the wall observations going on.

CHARLIE I know, but I could have sworn…

CAPTAIN THOMAS ’Sworn’ is not what cuts it here, Charlie. You know that. You keep this up and you won’t have to worry about a promotion.

CHARLIE What are you trying to say?

(CELL PHONE RING.)

CHARLIE I have to get that.

CAPTAIN THOMAS (laughing) Yeah, you do that.

CHARLIE Yeah… yes I picked up the dry-cleaning… no, I did not get your Oprah book selection… because I am at work… What… that so-called counselor is taking our money… Divorce? Look I don’t have time for… hello? Hello?

CAPTAIN THOMAS Marital trouble?

CHARLIE(Shaking head) The woman gets on my last.

NARRATOR: Back at the club Candi and Rose are still going at it, but Lexus and Mercedes are in the mix now.

MERCEDES Oh oh, did she say the ‘P’ word?

LEXUS Yes she did, girl.

MERCEDES I’ll go get the car.

LEXUS Yeah you do that.

ROSE Lex, Hold my drink.

CANDI Why? What you gone do? Flap your little pigeon wings and take off?

(JAW HIT)

ROSE Flap THAT, hoe!

NARRATOR: Oh no, are they scrappin?

CANDI Ow! Let my weave go!

ROSE No! You get your bony butt off me!

NARRATOR: And look who’s watching from the bar…

T-LOC Damn, Candi got socked!

PRESTON Damn Rob, you gone let yo girl go out like that? What you gone do?

ROB I gotta stop this. Excuse me… pardon me… move yo drunk ass! ‘scuse me…

(GUNSHOT) (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

CANDI Rob? Oh my God, Oh my God! P? P? Somebody! Call a doctor! Please!

PRESTON I got you.

NARRATOR: Back at the station, Charlie and Captain Thomas are still talking. Just like cops, huh?

CHARLIE So, what can I do?

CAPTAIN THOMAS Honestly? I don’t know. That stunt you pulled with the Elephant Man’s bones has the board on edge.

CHARLIE Hey! How was I to know that was Michael Jackson’s Bag?

CAPTAIN THOMAS Look, it don’t matter who’s…

(PHONE RINGS)

CAPTAIN THOMAS Ah, forget it! Get out of here. Get some sleep.

(WALKING)

CHARLIE Alright, goodnight.

CAPTAIN THOMAS(distracted) Okay… I gotcha… bye…

(PHONE CLICKS)

CAPTAIN THOMAS Hey Charlie, wait! Don’t leave yet. I need a favor.

CHARLIE What now?

CAPTAIN THOMAS I need you to go down to 12th Street and Broadway and check out this club shooting.

CHARLIE What? Isn’t Sanchez supposed to come in?

CAPTAIN THOMAS He’s tied up in that stalker thing, and you are the only detective I have right now.

CHARLIE You owe me. Who’s the lead?

CAPTAIN THOMAS MALCOLM.

CHARLIE What? Can this night get any worse?

NARRATOR: We’ll see, Charlie. Let’s head back to the club, I think I hear police sirens…

(SIRENS)

NARRATOR: That can only mean one thing; SARGEANT MALCOLM is on the scene.

(CAR SCREECH, CAR DOOR SLAM)

MALCOLM Well, well! If it isn’t the elephant man!

NARRATOR: Charlie just pulled up too…

(CAR STOP, CAR DOOR SLAM)

CHARLIE Mal, don’t start, okay?

MALCOLM Why are you here, anyway? Isn’t Sanchez supposed to clock in?

CHARLIE He’s still on that stalker thing.

MALCOLM Ouch!

NARRATOR: An officer already has a report…

OFFICER #1 Sergeant, Detective.

MALCOLM So, what’ve we got?

OFFICER #1 Well, we have one bartender who was shot to death trying to break up a fight between two of his women. They are over there waiting to be questioned.

MALCOLM Okay.

OFFICER #1 We have a few more witnesses also that we want to give statements, since they were the last to leave.

MALCOLM Good, make sure they don’t leave. If they took so long they may have something to lose here. Charlie, you go question the ladies, and that’s ALL you do, got it?

CHARLIE Fine. I can’t screw that up.

OFFICER #1 Oh yeah, detective, some of the guys at the station say that they saw you drop these.

(PEANUTS RUSTLING)

CHARLIE Peanuts?

OFFICER #1 Yeah, we thought you might want them back.

CHARLIE(angry) ALL of you all can go to hell!

MALCOLM Elephant man… (Laughing)

NARRATOR: Poor Charlie, maybe he can get his mind off that cruel joke by questioning Candi. Poor thing, she’s in bad shape, crying her eyes out…

CHARLIE Excuse me, miss Candi?

CANDI(sniffling) Yes?

CHARLIE I’m Detective Workman, I need to ask you a few questions I know this is going to be hard for you.

CANDI I’ll try to answer.

CHARLIE Good. Now, what exactly happened here? Start from when you got to the club.

CANDI Okay. Well, I was off from work tonight…

CHARLIE Where do you work?

CANDI Club Skrip. I dance.

CHARLIE Okay, continue.

CANDI Like I said, I was off work and I was coming to see Rob, my boyfriend. The line was long when I came, but I am too grown and sexy to stand in anyone’s line, you know? Plus, I know security.

(HARP SOUND FOR CANDI’S FLASHBACK)

SECURITY ‘Sup Candi? Off tonight, huh?

CANDI Yeah, just trying to kick it a little bit. Is Rob working?

SECURITY When is he not? Come on, I’ll let you in.

(MOANS AND GROANS)

CANDI So, after I got in I waved at a few people. I talked to Rob and his boys at the bar.

T-LOC Hey Candi, wassup ma.

CANDI Hey T. (sarcastic)Preston.

PRESTON (Grunt)

CANDI Hey Robbie.

ROB Sup baby.

(KISS)

CANDI What’s wrong with P?

ROB I don’t know, just hating as usual. So what’s up with tonight?

CANDI Nothing.

ROB Nothing? What, I can’t get my lap dance after work?

CANDI Why? Do you deserve one?

ROB What if I said yes?

CANDI Then I might give you one.

ROB Then my answer is yes, I do deserve one.

CANDI Well… (short pause) I’ll think about it.

ROB(shaking his head) You tease me too much, girl.

CANDI That’s okay, you love me anyway.

(CHANGE OF BACKGROUND SONG)

CANDI(drawn out) Hey! That’s my song!

PRESTON Barkeep! Pour me another Henny shot.

ROB See? Hatin.

CANDI I know, boo. Just gone and get him something.

ROB Iight, P. That’ll be three-fifty.

(RECORD SCRATCH FOR CHARLIE INTERRUPTING)

CHARLIE Um, can we speed this up to what happened?

CANDI I was getting to that. Dang…

CHARLIE Fine, I won’t interrupt anymore.

CANDI So anyway, another song comes on and I am doing my thing on the dance floor, and this fat chick and her porky pig-ass friends step to me on some bull.

(HARP SOUND FOR CANDI’S FLASHBACK)

ROSE Hey skinny broad! Stop making googly-eyes at my man!

CANDI Your man? I’m sorry, I was not aware…

MERCEDES That’s right, her man. You better stop before we cut you.

LEXUS Yeah, I did wanna break in this new box cutta.

ROSE Lex, hold my drink. ‘cedes go get the car and so we can get outta here after slicing this slut.

MERCEDES I’m down, but you might just need to knock her out.

CANDI Now ladies, please, there is no need for fisticuffs. I’m sure we can find a peaceful solution to this, can’t we?

LEXUS Shut that broad up! Please!

ROSE With pleasure.

(JAW HIT)

(HARP SOUND FOR THE END OF CANDI’S FLASHBACK)

CANDI And with that, I had to defend myself, detective.

CHARLIE Right.

CANDI Then, I heard the gunshots and there Rob was, dying in my arms. At first glance though, I would have thought it would be that Asian kid. He kinda looks like one of them wanna-be thugs.

CHARLIE Did you see him pull the trigger?

CANDI Well, no.

CHARLIE Well, as much as we would like to use what you just said, since we have no gun, and you didn’t see it, there is no real case.

CANDI Like that has stopped y’all before.

CHARLIE Thanks for answering the questions. Don’t go anywhere.

CANDI Mm-hmm.

NARRATOR: Charlie is reporting back to Malcolm.

MALCOLM So, any leads yet?

CHARLIE None, except that Asian kid. I got this statement from the stripper.

MALCOLM Stripper, huh?

CHARLIE Yeah.

MALCOLM She definitely has the body for it. You can go ahead and question the other girl right now. I am going to get some donuts.

CHARLIE Do you plan on doing any work today?

MALCOLM Yeah, when you finish with the questioning. Now hop to it, pachyderm!

NARRATOR: Charlie just can’t get away from that joke, huh? Maybe questioning Rose will take his mind off it.

CHARLIE Hmm. Your name is Rose, right?

ROSE Damn, another cop? Look, I’m gonna tell you like I told the other cops, I ain’t see nothin’ and I don’t know nothin’ so don’t ask me nothin’.

CHARLIE Check this out, you and me can either talk now, or we can book you for assault and throw you in jail tonight.

ROSE You didn’t have to threaten me, damn!

CHARLIE Look, I just want to know…

(CELL PHONE RING)

CHARLIE I have to get that.

ROSE Can we say, whipped? (laughing)

CHARLIE Shh! Yes dear… I had to make a stop… Yes, I know they are throwing peanuts at our son at school… No, I can’t go up to the school every time… You know what? You do that. You go stay with your crazy ass mama!

ROSE(sarcastically) Aww. Marital strife?

CHARLIE No. Not anywhere close.

ROSE Sure it isn’t.

CHARLIE Okay that’s enough. Tell me what time you got to the club.

ROSE See, what had happened was, me and my girls just wanted to get out for the night, so we decided to come to this hole in the wall and give it some class, you know?

(HARP SOUND FOR ROSE’S FLASHBACK)

(BACKGROUND MUSIC)

LEXUS So, what’s your name gonna be tonight?

MERCEDES I’m gonna be Mercedes, of course, looking for a BMW a.k.a. a Black Man Working. What name you usin’?

LEXUS Lexus, because I am what luxury should be.

MERCEDES Okay? That’s tight!

LEXUS I know girl.

MERCEDES(to Rose) Hey miss thing, what name you got for the night?

ROSE(Smiling) I think I’m going to be Rose.

MERCEDES & LEXUS Rose?

ROSE Yeah, you know, like Rose Royce? You know, ‘not the one with the stem, the one with the rims…

MERCEDES The one that seem to make more enemies than friends’?

LEXUS That’s cool, do your thing lil’ mama.

ROSE Ya’ll know Nelly my baby-daddy right? How does the Band-Aid look?

MERCEDES It’s all you, girl.

LEXUS Yeah, girl, Nelly would be proud.

ROSE Ya’ll think so for real? Oh, damn there go security.

SECURITY Can I help you ladies?

LEXUS Yes. We would like to go in please.

SECURITY Sorry, but you will have to wait like everyone else.

MERCEDES What? Why?

SECURITY I don’t know ya’ll.

LEXUS Don’t know us? Look, fool, don’t get your top-flight security ass jumped tonight.

MERCEDES We will cut you!

ROSE Hey! Hey, just chill. I’m sure I can find something to make it worth this man’s while to let us in.

(CHA CHING!)

SECURITY Hello, Mr. fifty-dollar bill! Right this way, ladies.

ROSE Let’s go.

MERCEDES Girl, where you get that money?

ROSE Money? Please, that’s one of them coupons that look like money from the swap meet that looks like a fifty.

LEXUS Girl, you are a trip. He’s going to throw us out.

ROSE No he’s not, that bill has my number on it… well, one of my old cell numbers anyway.

NARRATOR: Is that shady or what? Let’s join them out on the dance floor…

ROSE Ain’t too much going on in here.

LEXUS I know, right. We could have stayed home.

MERCEDES True, true. Oh no, there go ole girl that work at my job.

LEXUS You going over there?

MERCEDES I wasn’t, but she saw me now, I better go say wassup or something.

ROSE Yeah, don’t be a rude chick tonight.

LEXUS This from the Wicked Witch of the West-Side!

MERCEDES Okay, I’m going to go on over there. Rose, come go over there with me.

ROSE Um, I think I’m gonna go sit at the bar for a few. Ya’ll want a drink?

LEXUS No, I got to pee now because of them drinks we had before we left.

MERCEDES Good, that mean you can go with me over here before she comes this way.

LEXUS Fine, scary-ass.

(RECORD SCRATCH FOR CHARLIE INTERRUPTING)

CHARLIE So this is where you meet Rob?

ROSE Yeah, if you can call it that. But it looked like he was talking to some other dudes before I got there.

(HARP FOR ROSE’S FLASHBACK)

ROB Okay, T, here’s your Red Bull and vodka…

T-LOC Cool.

ROB … and P, your Henny shot.

PRESTON Put it on my tab…

ROB Huh? You ain’t got no tab…

T-LOC I got it, Rob, I got it… so anyways, all I’m sayin is, rappers don’t keep it real no more, son.

PRESTON T, what do you know about that?

T-LOC I keeps it real all the time, you know the dizzle my nizzle.

PRESTON Yeah, you and your pocket slang dictionary.

T-LOC(a lil upset) What you tryin to say?

ROB Fellas, fellas, you two do this every week. And then you wonder why you only pull nickels instead of dimes?

PRESTON What? I gets mine, homie.

T-LOC You dippin in the kool-aid now?

ROB Hey, I’m just trying to help ya’ll out. T, you play yourself out a lot. You ain’t a thug or a rapper.

PRESTON Told your dumb ass.

ROB And P, women don’t like conceit, they smell it on you 99-cent store cologne.

PRESTON (irritated) Man, go bus some tables, pour that girl over there a beer or something.

ROB One day, ya’ll gone listen to me. Just watch this…

T-LOC You know, maybe he got a point…

PRESTON Shut the hell up! Damn! (sips drink)

ROB What can I get you?

ROSE Nothing, thanks.

PRESTON Ha! See, dissed him.

T-LOC That’s cold.

ROB Well, you can only sit at the bar if you drinking or sleeping with the bartender.

ROSE Well, in that case…

ROB Yeah?

ROSE Give me an amaretto sour, you perv.

ROB Ouch! Got me right in the heart with that one. Okay, one amaretto sour for the sour lady with the pretty eyes.

ROSE (Giggling)

ROB So, why are you not out there on the dance floor with your girls?

ROSE My girls?

ROB I’m the bartender. I see everything.

ROSE Damn, they are quick!

ROB Looks like it. So my question…

ROSE Oh, I don’t know, I just came over here to sit for a minute.

ROB All that standing around waving guys off that want to dance get too tiring?

ROSE Um, how long have you been watching me?

ROB Long enough.

ROSE(Giggling again) Well, you know, I can always get my boogie on later, if you’re down for that.

ROB Like four flats.

ROSE That’s cool then, what was your name again?

ROB Rob. Everyone calls me Rob.

ROSE Glad to meet you Rob. My name is Rose, like the car.

ROB Hm?

ROSE Like a Rose, not the one with the stem, the one with the rims…

ROB Oh, okay, I feel you. I was thinking more along the lines of the flower, with the thorns and all.

ROSE Yeah, I get that a lot.

ROB But, the car reference is cool too. I see you have your Band-Aid thing goin on.

ROSE Right, right.

T-LOC Yo Rob…

PRESTON Damn, Candi is on fire tonight…

ROB(hurried) That band-aid is nice, but it’s on the wrong side.

ROSE(shocked) What? Oh, no! I gotta fix it! I’ll be back!

(HEELS CLICKING)

ROB Whew! That was close.

CANDI Hey T. Preston…

(RECORD SCRATCH)

CHARLIE Okay, this is all well and good, but how did this fight start between you and the other girl?

ROSE Damn, you like to do things quickly, huh? No wonder your marriage is in trouble.

CHARLIE What?

ROSE Never mind. Let me finish before you throw a fit, or throw me in jail or something.

CHARLIE Please do.

ROSE So, after fixing my band-aid, I meet back up with my girls…

(HARP SOUND)

MERCEDES Hey girl.

ROSE Hey.

LEXUS Look at you, miss thing, being a fast tail.

ROSE Who, me?

LEXUS Yes, you. Don’t act all brand-new now, shorty.

MERCEDES Yeah, girl, we saw you trying to mack the bartender.

ROSE Well, look at him.

MERCEDES Oh yeah, he is a cutie.

LEXUS Yes girl. Forget what Jack-in-the-Box is talking’ about. That is a caramel shake, right there.

ROSE Wait, wait.

LEXUS What? What’s going on?

ROSE Nothing. I’ll be right back.

NARRATOR: Here starts the drama…

ROSE Excuse me...

CANDI Huh? What? The hell you want?

ROSE I just saw that you were kind of blowing kisses in the direction of someone I know and…

CANDI Is that your man or something?

ROSE No, not yet anyway. Why do you ask?

CANDI Then you need to kick rocks and not worry about what I’m doing!

LEXUS Girl, what’s really going on?

ROSE Nothing, girl. Let’s go, its not even worth it.

CANDI Damn, ain’t that what I just said? Did you all ride here on the short bus?

LEXUS Can we just go? Dang.

MERCEDES I’ll go get the car.

ROSE I’m cool. Lex, hold my drink.

CANDI You about to bust the chickenhead dance on us?

MERCEDES Rosie, don’t.

CANDI It’s just a chickenhead convention in here tonight!

(JAW HIT)

ROSE My bad, my fist couldn’t get out of the way of your big ass head.

(HARP SOUND)

CHARLIE So, you started the fight?

ROSE It was a reflex, detective. I am not a chicken, or a pigeon, or any of that. I am a grown ass woman and will be respected and treated as such.

CHARLIE Right.

ROSE So I see Rob coming out of my peripheral vision, but then the shots ring out, and I’m like, damn, let me let this broad go and get out of here, ain’t no man worth dying over, much less fighting over, know what I mean?

CHARLIE The moment of clarity.

ROSE So, I finally make it out the front door, and my girls are long gone. I couldn’t call anyone to come and get me because I left my cell in the car.

CHARLIE You could have used a pay phone.

ROSE(annoyed) Do you see a pay phone around here?

CHARLIE Point taken. You didn’t happen to see where the shots came from did you?

ROSE No, I couldn’t really tell. I was sort of busy at the time.

CHARLIE Right. Well, sit tight for a few, I may need you later.

ROSE Well, can I at least wait in the club? It’s freezing out here!

CHARLIE Sure, go ahead, but don’t touch anything.

ROSE Yeah, yeah.

NARRATOR: As Rose goes back in, Charlie heads to where Malcolm is stuffing his face.

MALCOLM So, what did Rose have to say?

CHARLIE Not much more than the first girl. She did throw the punch to start the fight.

MALCOLM Okay, you want to run her in?

CHARLIE Nah, looks like the other girl is fine, no need to do all that.

MALCOLM Alright, where’s the other two that were with her?

CHARLIE Gone. She’s waiting for a ride now.

MALCOLM Where is she?

CHARLIE I told her to go inside.

MALCOLM That’s fine. Hey, have you seen the coroner anywhere?

CHARLIE I haven’t noticed.

MALCOLM Damn! They should have been here by now. Let me call dispatch.

(CB SOUND)

MALCOLM Dispatch, this is car 117.

DISPATCHER 117, go ahead.

MALCOLM We called for the coroner forty-five minutes ago, what’s the E.T.A. on that?

DISPATCHER Stand By.

MALCOLM (Mumbling to himself)

DISPATCHER 117?

MALCOLM Go ahead, dispatch.

DISPATCHER E.T.A. on the coroner is about 45 minutes.

MALCOLM Damn! What’s the holdup?

DISPATCHER Gang shooting around King Boulevard and 3rd. They are just now cleaning it up.

MALCOLM (sigh) 10-4 dispatch.

DISPATCHER 10-4.

CHARLIE That long, huh?

MALCOLM Yeah, but I’m not surprised. Remember this isn’t Beverly Hills.

CHARLIE True. Well, who else do we have left to question?

MALCOLM Well, we got the Asian Jay-Z over there, and the guy who made the initial 911 call.

CHARLIE Tough call.

MALCOLM Flip a coin?

CHARLIE No need. I’ll get to Johnny Blasian first.

MALCOLM(chuckling) Okay, I’ll be at here if you need me, or have a sudden urge to stampede!

CHARLIE You just will not quit, will you?

(CELL PHONE)

NARRATOR: The ball-and-chain Tina strikes again…

CHARLIE What?

TINA Charlie, don’t hang up.

CHARLIE Why not? Aren’t you at your momma’s by now?

TINA I don’t think we’re going. We have to talk.

CHARLIE I know, but I am at a homicide scene right now?

TINA Still? Where is Sanchez?

CHARLIE Tracking a stalker.

TINA Let me guess, you were the only detective left. Again.

CHARLIE I have to go now, Tina.

TINA I swear, I should have listened to my momma and not married a cop.

CHARLIE(angry) What’s that supposed to mean?

TINA Nothing, Charlie, I have to go.

CHARLIE Wait, I just want to—

(PHONE CLICK)