ON LOVE ABSENT
O Love, where have thee gone?
I do miss thee so
To gaze upon thy fair visage once more
To touch with tender hand
thy supple cheek
and trembling kiss of candied lips
perchance to sneak
To while the hours
in thy sweet embrace
my poor soul doth
ache
And lo! Thy eyes that dazzle so
and lift my spirits
I fear thou art absent
Thy sweet scent in
the night
thy heady perfume, I long
to consume
I yearn for thee
my estranged dove
and it bears ill to
chase thee
For in due time
I'll see thee hence
When thou art ready
And I am fallow
© 1999
ADDICTION
The drinks are pouring
The muses calling
A life long struggle against the
Tide
Finding me, hurting me, holding me
my comfort, my torment
my liquid solace
I hate you, I love you
You can't fill me though
I try to see the light when
I'm not high
It pushes it burns
It begs and it yearns
Cajoles and pleads
On callused knees
Away from me
I want you not
Yet I hold another drink
Or twentyfold
You are not my master
for I have put you in your place
but you rise up you wretched beast
to grab my wrist and lend new lease
to addiction so poorly made
how can I be your slave
I struggle against your evil doom but
Under your spell I
Occasionally swoon
©1999
TRAIN RIDE
Faces Flushed, eyes burning
Bright
Taking it all in
These little people
With oversized teeth
Climb aboard, it's an adventure
noisy, excited
anticipating the heights
see the city, see the lights
overwhelmed by oversized
sights
Oh to feel the wonder they
feel
the magic, the might
of the upcoming
night
©1999
NEW TRADITIONS
A cold night
Their bellies full
Of turkey and stuffing
They come to visit
It's my night to have them
My day was spent cleaning
and being thankful for my
my life, my health and
my emerging sense of self
As they sit on the couch watching the
tube
I'm in the kitchen fixing some food
My own little feast
Smoked salmon with onions and capers
One of my favorites to say
The least
I sit between these
little sleepy girls just
an hour before bed
and pop a snack in my mouth
Without a word
two little hands from either side filch
a salmon laden cracker from
the plate in my lap
And they munch, not
yet knowing children
do not like smoked salmon
I sit and watch
as they clear my plate
as thoroughly as
they clear the ache from my heart
Tears well up and they
don't see them as they lick their fingers
and my salty joy spatters
drop by drop on the plate
Daddy? What was that they ask, and
i answer smoked salmon my little loves
That was a year ago
a short time gone past
and this year, as the day approached
they came to me, a little taller growing fast
Can we have smoked salmon this year
Daddy? Just like last?
©1999
THE SHIPBUILDER
He arrived in the small town
In a land of desolation and dust
A task to complete as he felt he must
he set up shop
down the block, a satchel of tools
all badly worn just like
his clothes, tattered and torn
the people all thought him
quite mad
the man, he himself was glad to have
found this oasis
in the land of his loneliness
He began to fashion
just at first
the ribs of a great ship
pausing now and again to slake his
thirst
Day after day
night after night
sun and moon
taking turns
taking watch over his task
There was no lumber to be found
yet up rise from the desert
the barren ground
did a fine ship,
lovingly fashioned
A year now past, growing ever thin, and
mindless
to the whispers, the gossip, the sin
he kept on building the race to win
Up to the decking she was now complete
the mighty hull measured one hundred forty four
feet
and the people stopped talking,
now ignoring the
little shipbuilder in their midst
thinner now, and nearly a ghost
he kept up his work never leaving his
post
Two full years later
he completed his task
the rigging, the sails gently flapping
from perfect tall mast
Sitting so tired and
worked to the bone
he returned the tools to the worn bag
After night fell
he stood slowly
and mounted the ladder
upon the deck he cast off invisible lines,
he looked to the sails, a
gentle zephyr swelling their form
he took hold of the wheel and
sailed away
© 1999
HEALING
Pain, Self-loathing,
Hatred, fear.
Not sure it happened
The memories a smear
It happened, it happened
coming back in a rush
remembering now,
your face in full flush
A trusted friend, or perhaps
Perfect Father,
Sister or Brother.
Did they do these dark things
or was it your Mother?
Don't tell, don't speak
perhaps out of shame
just listen to me
it's our little game
Tell someone else,
you have so much to say
they may not believe
but then again they may
Will others still love you
if you tell the truth?
But tell you must
of these acts
so uncouth
You stammer, you stutter,
half-starts and a pause
afraid to let it out
not sure of the cause
You did not want
these unspeakable acts
that left deep scars
these indelible tracts
On your heart
on your mind
on your life so fragile,
to escape these sad truths
you adapted so agile
But speak it you must
for some wounds time won't heal
but speak it you must
the secrets reveal
Drag out the hurt
kicking and screaming
under bright autopsy lights
illumination streaming
For once in the light
and upon close inspection
you come to realize
this evil infection
Belongs not to you
you did nothing wrong
you did not request nor
did you deserve
this pain on a plate
so cruelly served
Just send it back
it's not what you'd order
give to those who
threw your life in disorder
Reclaim yourself
though you can't go back
nothing about you invited
attack
Acknowledge it happened
and place rightful blame
and yourself now be free
of your childhood pain
They will always be with you
these scars on your mind
some days red and throbbing
some days confined
to little boxes you
stack far behind
the good things in your life
your friends or your lovers,
husband or wife
But something will happen
to topple the stack
and putrid memories will gurgle up
and try to smack
you back to the place
you and the memories
face to face
At times like these
there is one thing to remember
don't take it on
just return to sender
Find someone you trust
and talk it out
keeping silent gives
the abuse clout
No secrecy, no power
you're not alone
there's many of us
around
© 1999
BENCH MARKS
Sitting on the bench
In the courtroom
Caressing the smooth wood
With artists fingers
Struck by how similar
the benches were to
the pews
in the church where they
were married
Long ago, the feelings
now faded
from bright colors
to sepia tones
How surreal to know
He waited expectantly
For her to come down
The aisle
Beautiful in her gown
as he now waited
for the judge
his robes black
the priests were white
Standing
Now facing
Each other
Reciting reverse vows
Like a druid incantation
Dissolving the union
Outside
no one throws flower petals
no balloons released
just a gray windswept day
geese honking overhead
Walking with measured step
to his car
alone, yet
free in his future
pained in his past and
acutely aware of the present
©1999
MESMERIZED
I am so entranced by the women I see
I see them but
They don't see me
Some are short
some are tall
blonde, brunette, redhead I'm
attracted to them all
What is it that attracts me
so?
Instant yearning, stomach churning
not watching where i am
going
I see her in the store
if I time it right
I'll hold the door
And get dismissed from her sight
I notice her on the train
Glassed smeared from the rain
Watch her hands as they nervously fidget
With her hair like that she reminds me of
Gidget
See this one now she's far
too young
sealing an envelope
with pink moist tongue
It's not biology that
drives me on
It's want of closeness
To my reach still beyond
Someday I'm sure
I'll find her
Hopefully she'll be
Kinder
Than the ones I normally
choose
and I'll take more time for my
heart to lose
©1999
8:45pm
It's Saturday night
Feeling kinda loose
Feeling kinda tight
I know it's not right
to feel this way
but I'm alone
and I tell myself I'm
happy this way
It's not a bad thing
or something wrong
but damn it's gone on for
far too long
Don't worry about me
It's just a bad night
I'll awake in the morning
Feeling quite right
does it matter much
that I feel so sad
or by being alone
shall I one day
be glad?
I know in the morning
I'll be better
The weather channels says it'll be cold
I'll wear my sweater
©1999
INTRINSIC VALUE
It's a shame so many
Of us
Judge ourselves by
the way we look
our value need to be based on ourselves
not the images in a book
or the freaks on a
catwalk
But it's human nature
to be this way
at least the studies all say
so
As a species we need to
evolve and realize
around a beautiful face
the world does not revolve
What damage is caused
by such a message
depression, bulimia, self-loathing alcoholism,
some even turn to suicide for this pain to
assuage
Hunchback, drunk, fat boy,
ugly girl, wallflower, bum,
dyke and fag
It's so limiting to assign this tag
But
How much worse is it
to do these things to
ourselves. Not seeing others
when we can't see inside
when false ideals and reality collide
if we can't see ourselves for
who we are
to not see others is not too far
Treat yourself as a child
be kind, be patient for
we're all worthwhile
and once you do that
you may see
we all have value
you and me
©1999
MIXED MESSAGE
You are married and
I am not
You'd probably regret it
if you took the shot
I've nothing to lose
Except self respect
Don't come to me
Out of your husbands
Neglect
Yes, I want you
Don't be a fool
But want can make you
do something cruel
I won't have it
so please don't kiss me
I want you yes
But don't you dis me
You made the right
Choice though it
Was hard
But you still want me
So be on your guard
Time will pass
And so will desire
Keep watching the clock
For it to expire
Don't mess with your life
Just to have me
Remember your man
On bended knee
I can't have it
I won't abide it
Damnit woman don't make
Me hide it
Go home now
Go to your man
I don't want to be your
One night stand
So I try to help you
Mend your bridges
Don't screw it up now
Against your wishes
You made your bed now
Sleep in it
Keep working friend for
You can win it
I'll step back and
just be friends
The breach will close
You'll make amends
You're fooling yourself
if you do think
To sleep with me wouldn't
Make you sink
So walk on by and
Choose your man
I'll be your friend
If I can
©1999
ADMONITION (LOVE RAP)
What a sad thing
To be lonely
In your marriage bed
Man, Woman
Husband,Wife
Put away your hurt
Put away your strife
Guys, listen up and hear me out
Shut the hell up don't make me shout
It is not enough just to provide
it's just as important to confide
pride will hurt it
sloth will kill it
yet sweet attention will fulfill it
Hold each other in the night
and speak your love by gold moonlight
Do not neglect or
ever forget
take not for granted
and nurture the commitment
that you have planted
Be not so selfish nor unaware
that you forget you chose to share
vigilantly tend it and
vigorously defend it
or weeds will choke the life you intended
Be not afraid to
show yourself
and your abiding devotion
shall be your wealth
I listen to friends who
"have it all”
yet their love does not grow
but has met it's fall
Do not smother or control
sapping their spirit will
take it toll
for loneliness it will only implant
to stay in love
well, then you can't
For every woman that I have known
has wanted to feel loved,
and cherished and most importantly shown
do these things and your love you'll hone
Invest in your future with great care
and with your gentleness
do not be spare
Now listen to me let's keep this hot
in this life it matters not
where you live, what you drive
or what you've got
The love of another
is life's greatest gift
but now and then it might
Need a lift
So men, look at your wife as not just a mother
or she'll rush off to another
she did not marry you to gain a brother
but a friend who supports, an ardent lover
Women, remind him he does more than provide
but you may need to push his work aside
be for him that sexy girl
and let passions banner again unfurl
I know these things for I did fail
and tried too late
to no avail
So heed my words and
you may find
a love so strong and so
sublime
That life's storms, bumps, aches and trials
Will pale by comparison
To old-age smiles
©1999
FOR SALE - CHEAP
Frigid dust devils
swirl on deserted streets
rusted and burned out cars long abandoned
once thriving industry boarded up
waiting
For a vision to lift them
again to light and prosperity
Frozen in their impotence
proud factories emasculated
and eviscerated
yearning for emotional
capital to raise them up
anew
To hum again, to produce
to consume and create to
burn hot with production
wanting to contribute
©1999
THE CALL
Phone ringing
Out of his chair springing
To get it
In time
Not screening his calls
he wants to talk to someone
but
they hang up without a word
Use the technology
star six nine
We are unable to complete
Your request
You can not use this service
To reach the number you are calling
Who calls in disguise
hiding
a former lover?
a tentative friend?
telemarketer?
wrong number?
he settles back down to read some more
frustrated
©1999
ONE FOR THE ROAD
She let herself out of the
relationship
like taking off an over tight
seatbelt
No longer chafed or held
back
but not nearly as
safe
She faced her uncertain future
freer
yet more
reckless
and
drove into the night
half hoping to find
Dead Man's Curve
©1999
ANTICIPATION
Fast forward in slow motion
time is short but the nights are long
something is going on here, but I don't know
what
Unable to connect
choices poorly made yet
made nonetheless
pursuing a goal that does not exist
except in my head because
I'll know it when I see it
Still alone, now by choice,
I've grown accustomed
to my cold womb
do not disturb
Alone in my heart
could you be the cure?
The salve to wake me
The nerve to take me or
just another snapshot to be
put away as I gently careen
to my end alone yet strangely at peace because
I know who I am and
he is a strange fellow, odd
or even eccentric, muttering
and gesturing to no one
in particular, his mad
rants and tight pants
go unnoticed in the dirty
city
forty watt days and
strobe light nights wind
together as momentum
builds to who knows what
Is going to happen next
I know how it will end
As it ends for all men
But the journey is but
Half done and I'm
Still waiting for my
Time
©1999
RESOLUTION
He knows it is pathetic yet
he still dials the voice mail
to hear the voice
not as often as before
but enough to keep the
scab from healing over
completely
shiny new skin on the wound
means he is making progress but
not as quickly as he would like
He tells himself he
just does it to make sure
they are ok, but it comes
down to
making sure they are still alive
are they as fragile as he
thinks?
are they as strong as he
thinks or
Are they the finest actors to never
grace a stage other
than their life
their family, their job, and their
friends
Do they act for them, or do they
act for themselves
to keep them together
to keep themselves together
they are not together
Not many know it
and those that do
are pushed away
for to be seen is to
die, naked, a fraud,
afraid, and
thinking you are open to attack
They still have not learned
or understood that it is
strength to ask for help
and not weakness
It is strength to face
the abyss, to open the
door and step in, that
which is feared is not real
So what is it that he can't get over?
It's not the Beauty, others
are more beautiful
Is it Passion, no that
Was in fact a lure
Is it Intellect, no for
that was false, Intellect without
progress is merely masturbation
it is not Kindness nor
Compassion
for he did not
see these
Did he merely respond to her Need
drawn to her Want
offering his hand and his heart
not knowing she could not accept
and hurt when she did not
In the end he is left
wondering for there are
no answers
he will not call again
©1999
SILENCE
Unsure how to extricate herself
from a love now frightening
she sat and spoke with the object of her ambivalence
There's an ugly woman at work
who goes on and on
about her
sex life in all it's tawdry detail
Why can't I get laid? she asks
He sat in silence unwilling to train
his sights on her
while in his head he raged
Surely you're not stupid enough
to think any man would not want to sleep with
you
without knowing
you
If you just want a fuck then that's easy enough
But
If It's love you seek, then
why
when it finds you do you reject it?
You poor twisted girl, you're already screwed
Irritated by his silence she asks
What are you thinking
he just smiles
©1999
GENERATION GAP
They sit in silence these two friends
sipping coffee by the path
no need for words
they've shared a life these
old men
and sit with pale yellow cotton windbreakers
as their only armor
Goatee'd young bucks whiz on past
rollerblade, skateboard, bmx bike,
not seeing the two men
or caring
that in their day they tore
up the town in a '30 ford
Finishing their drinks
they stand together and
slowly
make their way back inside
Sunny Hill Home
©1999
DESIRE
Heart pounding
hands trembling
words stammering
Shhhh, don't speak,
Eyes dilated
Lips nibbling
Tongue probing
Spit smearing
Chin biting
Fingers sucking
Hair pulling
Scents overpowering
Ambrosia gulping
Mad rutting
Frantic thrusting
Life releasing
Heart pounding
Spent
©1999
DESPAIR
Alone again
no one hears the sobs of a lonely heart
or the cries of a frightened man
where is love
what is love
given and taken so cruelly
I hate you all
I want to die
Yet
Hope for love
As a nymph hopes to fly
Knowing I will one day
When my wings are dry
Or
Shall I be crushed under the uncaring heel
of a closed woman
again
©1999
DISBELIEF
Daddy I want pancakes
will you read me a story?
I broke my toy can you fix it?
From a tiny creature to an articulate girl
Adoring eyes look for answers
Some I have
Some I don't, and
Some they must answer for themselves.
I do my best and often fail
But they love me.....
I kiss their sweaty heads whilst they sleep
And
Vow to do better tomorrow
I love you girls
Always
©1999
Elitist
She wrote and said I am condescending
but
I think of myself more as an elitist
Or maybe just a fraud
How I'd like to have the best of everything
Know your colors, know your fabrics,
plants, flowers and wine
Two snaps up!
Casting pearls before swine
I can be a cooler guy if I just have the
best
with out my special stuff, I'm just like all the
rest
Gotta have the latest toy,
make you like me
try this ploy
Good clothes, good school, great hair
get those teeth fixed,
gonna be a hit with all the chicks
Will they like me if I get this stuff
or will they find out
and call my bluff
Don't Know, can't say,
maybe try another way
By the way sweetie,
you spelled condescending wrong
©1999
QUEENIE
Tiny white fingers flutter
through school papers
and constantly
tuck
her long hair behind
itty-bitty ears
She smells soft and white
and clean and is
oblivious
to the frank stares of much older men
Skin unblemished,
the down of her cheek glows
in the sunlight
yet unravaged by time or despair
Her hair, burnished
streams of spun gold
begging to be gently touched
cascades over her shoulders
Plastic spooning canned peaches
she's careful not
to drip nectar
on her new sweater
She is innocence
she is desire
and
judging from her college texts
she is of age
©1999
CAKE
Birthdays are such strange days
as a child you love the cake, the party, the presents
remember when the cards outnumbered the candles?
As you age they fall into context
and the presents are fewer
now just a smattering of cards
funny
how they are from former lovers, former spouses and the children
and that one of the two tangible gifts comes from your sales rep
no party, no cake, no dinner, no song
but in the end I guess it's not wrong
For the world today mourns the loss of a football player
and misery compounds layer on layer
families with loved ones on flight 990 mourn for their loss
my insignificant birthday is such a small cross
To overstate my disappointment would be a mistake
but to tell you the truth,
I wish I'd had cake!
©1999
