I grew up in a fairly normal family until I was 8 years old, raised in church and if the doors were open we were there. My family was very active in the church with an extremely musical background. I can't ever remember a time when music wasn't somewhere in the picture on visits to my grandparents.
At the age of 8 my world was radically upturned I was informed that the father I had grown up knowing was not my bialogical father, suddenly I was cast into a whirlwind of confusion. I was taken out of the home and stability that I knew as a child and taken to live with this person who was my real father. This living arrangement only lasted about 9 months, and I was brought back home only to find that everything had changed for ever. Suddenly my parents were divorcing, it was a constant arguement over who wanted me, which at the time I went to live with my mother. I was told that the whole thing had been a lie and that I was to never have contact again with my potential biolagical father. Now being only 8 this was very hard for me to comprehend why my mother would bring this person into my life and then recount the whole thing. This went on for several years, which during that time my parents shipped my back and forth between each other.
I lived with my father for a stint of time only to be put into an abusive situation that he blinded himself to for years and to this day still stores it away in the back of his mind. See my father remarried and she was a severe alcoholic with an extremely violent temper. For a little over a year my brother and I suffered much abuse from this women, myself recieving the blunt of this abuse, as she saw that I was in the way of her and my father due to the fact that I think he was trying to overcompensate for the previous problem of possibly not being my real father. After enduring all that could be endured, I attempted to see if I could live with my mother again, who to my discovery was in no shape to take care of herself let alone her children. So back and forth I went between the two parents Until my Grandparents stepped in.
My grandparents stepped in a took me into their home. I don't think my grandmother had fully realized what she had gotten herself into, but I thank God that she was God fearing and never gave up. See by the time that they got me I was a very bitter child, who felt totally betrayed and unloved, nor did I give anyone the opportunity to love me for fear of being rejected and hurt. But Grandma never gave up. She loved me and gave me the structure and discipline that I so desprately needed. It was during this time that my grandmother begin to instill a deeper love of music, I had always loved music but it seemed different now it became my release of pain. I can remember the many nights that we would sit around the piano and I would sing and listen to her play. I can honestly say that had it not been for the love of my grandparents and her tough love and refusing to give up on me I probably wouldn't have made it during that time in my life.
I am going to jump ahead a few years, I went back to live with my mother which probably at the time wasnt the wisest thing to do, I had begun my teenage years and became very rebelious, I still was trying to fit the pieces of everything together and wanting the truth regarding my potental father, and begin to get into partying and doing drugs. During all of this I knew that I was heading down the wrong road and a piece of me kept trying to hang onto God and what I knew was right but for several years I bounced in and out of church and back and forth between my parents.
At the age of 16 I got married, as you can imagine this didn't last long. I got pregnant with my first son shortly after we were married. I thought I had it all, a family of my own to love and a son to take care of. But it was all to come crashing down, My husband left me after numerous affairs. (Which through time I have come to realize that we were just way to young.) The divorce was very messy, I was young and naive, he was from a wealthy background and about six months after our divorce he took our son. I was now at the lowest point in my life. It was only by the sheer grace of God and him placing people around me to love and to pray that kept me going. Still I struggled and still I didnt totally rely on God, instead I resorted to drinking. On the weekends my son wasn't home I drank if he wasn't with me I drank, the last thing I would touch at night was the bottle and the first thing I would pick up. Finally one day I woke up and said enough and vowed I would not be like my stepmother. I may not have been able to change the situation around me but I didn't have to let it kill me. I began to put my life back together and really get into church and back to my roots of music, I could always find a song that could help me through the hurt and pain.
About a year after my divorce I started dating my current husband. God had a divine hand in placing us together. Shortly after we begin dating I went through a very tramatic experience and made a very hasty decision. With out telling a sole other than my mother I went to have an abortion, I can honestly say looking back on it that it was the worst decision I had ever made in my life. I hit the lowest point that I had ever hit in my life. My mother told Coy over the phone what had happened and without hesistation he came to where we were and was extremely supportive. I had thought I had lost him, to myself I couldn't see how someone would want to stick around after all that had happened. I blamed myself for a very long time for all of it, for allowing myself to be put into a compromising position, after all I was partying and could have avoided the whole incedent if I had just stayed home. Allthough I am a firm believer that no means no, not maybe. For several years I blamed myself and punished myself far more than God would have ever done. I was my own jury, and to me I thought I deserved nothing better than death.
I started to spend a lot of time in prayer, and talking to our pastors wife who was a great help in teaching me that I didn't have to punish myself anylonger, and deep down inside I knew this it was just putting into action and believing that was the hard part. That is when my relationship with God really took a serious turn and I started to realize how he had kept his hand on me even through the most horrible things, he had been there even when I thought I was totally alone, he kept praying saints nearby that wouldn't give up. I begin finally to have a real personal relationship with God, not just a go to church sit on the pew I'm saved relationship but a personal experience that was just between the two of us.
Two years into my marriage we started to plan a family of our own only to find out that the female problems I had were threatening the possibility of us having a child. Once again I began to blame myself, we spent thousands of dollars on fertillity treatment only to fail. I prayed and prayed that God would provide us with a miracle, but deep inside I thought that maybe this was my punishment. When push finally came to shove and the money ran out and the doctors said it wasn't likely to happen. I finally after many hours of tears and praying and alot of counsel from my pastors wife put into action the very thing she had been telling me all along which was to "Stop putting my faith in man and start totally relying on God". I came to a conclusion one night while praying that no matter what I was gonna be faithful to God whether we had a child or not I was gonna stay faithful and I would just believe that God was healing me and was going to provide the answer in his time.
A few months after we had stopped the treatments, my pastor and his wife came over to our house while my husband was at work and the three of us stood in my living room and prayed and that night I knew when we were done praying that there had been a change. I can't describe it but I just knew that God had healed me and that month I became pregnant with our son!
It was a long pregnancy at times and alot of driving back and forth but he was born as healthly as could be! I thank God daily for the miracle that he blessed us with.
Don't missunderstand, my life is far from perfect, but I have come to an understanding that no matter what I face or go through he's always there. I still make mistakes, and I still stumble but I know that I can go before the throne of grace and he hears me. It took me a long time to realize that just because a person stumbles doesn't mean that they have lost their salvation, it simply means that we have to pick ourselves back up, repent and go on.
I don't know where you may be spiritually or what you have gone through but I do know that there is someone that cares and no matter how horrible of a person you think you are or how unlovable you think you may be. There is someone that is always there to comfort you and be a father and a savior. I encourage you that if you don't know christ that you make him your savior and if you would like to pray or talk fee free to email me.
God Bless, Becky
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