Excerpts from "The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer" as seen by
July 22, 1984 . . .
"My name is Laura Palmer, and as of just three short
minutes ago, I officially turned twelve years old.
It is July 22, 1984, and I have had such a good day!
I could hardly wait to come upstairs and start to tell
you all about myself and my family. You shall be the
one I confide in the most. I promise to tell you
everything that happens, everything I feel, everything
I desire. And, every single thing I think. There
are some things I can't tell anyone. I promise
to tell these things to you . . ."
July 22, 1984, later . . .
"Daddy bought me a pony! Diary, he is so beautiful,
much more beautiful than I could ever have dreamed.
His colors are cinnamon red and deep brown . . .I decided
his name should be Troy . . .On the way home from
the stables Dad said that Troy and I have the same
birthday, because when a pony is given as a gift to
someone who will love him, they share everything. So
happy birthday to Troy too! . . .I am the luckiest
girl in the world. Love, Laura . . .p.s. I hope
BOB doesn't come tonight."
July 23, 1984 . . .
"Cousin Maddy will be here any minute . . .I slept until
just fifteen minutes ago. No dreams at all, except
Mom says she heard me calling out to her and then I
hooted like an owl! I'm so embarrassed. She said she
came into my room and I was half asleep but I . . .
hooted again, and then she says I giggled and rolled
over and went back to sleep . . .Laura (hoot hoot)"
July 27, 1984 . . .
"Maddy says she brought a pack of cigarettes with her and that later, after Mom and Dad are asleep, if we want to, we can try one. She says they're stale because she's had them for months but hasn't touched them because she's afraid her parents will find out. Maybe I'll try one. Donna says she doesn't want to, and Maddy said that we wouldn't pressure her because real friends don't do that. But I'll bet you I can make Donna smoke one just by giving her the right look. I just bet you."
later . . .
"Donna got out of the fort to pee, and Maddy told me that she had been having some bad dreams too. She said she didn't want to talk about them in front of Donna because maybe she wouldn't understand. She says she's been having dreams of me in the woods. Donna came back and Maddy wouldn't say anymore. I wonder if Maddy has seen the long-haired man? Or the wind?"
July 30, 1984 . . .
"Maybe I should be a better person and not think so much all the time about what is happening to me. I hope someday soon I'll be good enough at this to rid myself of all the things that trouble me so. Things I still cannot even describe other than bits and pieces. If I am a better person, and if I try harder every day, perhaps all of this will work out. Love, Laura."
August 7, 1984 . . .
"I wonder if it's like that when you die . . .suffocating. Or if it's like they say it is when you're in church. That you float up and up until Jesus sees you and takes your hand . . .I'll probably be a gift to Satan if I am not careful. Sometimes when I have to see Bob, I think I am with Satan anyway, and that I'll never make it out of the woods in time to be Laura, good and true and pure, ever again."
August 11, 1984 . . .
"I think I'll smoke a cigarette. I brought a soda just so I could put the ashes and the butt in the can so as not to set the whole town of T.P. on fire. We call Twin Peaks T.P. in school sometimes. The world wipes its butt with T.P. Bobby Briggs says that the most. Then he pulls all the girls' hair and makes burping noises in our faces . . . .
The owls have started hooting. One of them is just above me in the tree . . .Something about him is strange. I know it is a boy owl, and I feel like he's watching me. Every time I look up at him his head moves like he is quickly turning away from me. I wonder if he knows what I've been writing. God, I had better start being a very good girl. Right away. Perhaps he is a bird like in that story I read. This big bird could swoop down and rest on someone's shoulder, acting very sweet, but would then read the person's mind. If the person was thinking bad thoughts, the bird would peck away at the person's eyes and ears so there would only be questions of sound and sight in the person's head, instead of bad and nasty thoughts . . .I dream of flying sometimes. I wonder if birds dream of going to school or to work sometimes. Having suits and dresses instead of the feathers we dream of. I would fly right over Twin Peaks and out over the land beyond it. I'd never come back if I didn't have to . . .I have to go home. Now. It is too dark. This is not a nice place to me right now."
August 16, 1984 . . .
"Never before in my life have I been so confused. It is five-thirty exactly in the morning, and I can barely hold this pen. I am shaking so much. I have been in the woods again. Lost. But have been led. I think I am a very bad person. Tomorrow I will start a new way of living . . .Maybe he will stop coming if I try harder to be good. Maybe I could be like Donna. She is a good person. I am bad. Laura . . .p.s. I promise, I promise, I promise to be good!"
August 31, 1984 . . .
"Sometimes I think there is someone inside me, but it is another, stranger part of me. Sometimes I see her in the mirror. I don't know that I ever want to have children of my own . . .Too many bad things happen to me sometimes late at night, so I probably would not be such a good mother. This makes me sad inside."
September 15, 1984 . . .
"To the person invading my privacy: I cannot believe the distrust I feel in my family and friends. I know for a fact that my diary was taken and read by someone, maybe several someones. I will not be writing any more in this diary for a long time, if ever. You have ruined my trust and my feeling of security. I hate you for that, whoever you are! On these pages I have written things sometimes too scary or too embarrassing even to read again myself . . .I trust that these pages are turned only be me, only when I wish. Many things are hurting and confusing me. I need my private pages, in order to see my mind outside me, push it away.
Please stay away from this diary. I mean it.
October 3, 1985 . . .
"I have decided, over 12 months later, to being speaking to you again. I have found a hiding place I will not speak of, in case you are found outside it and someone nosy wishes to know of its whereabouts.
I trust no one, and only rarely myself. I struggle most mornings, afternoons, and evenings with what is right and what is wrong. I do not understand if I am being punished for something I have done wrong, something I don't remember, or if this happens to everyone, and I am just too stupid to understand it....You know, I think out of all of the men I know in the world, Dr. Hayward has been the most loving to me. He is unselfish, kind, and always shows me a gentle smile of inspiration or forgiveness--or anything that somehow always perfectly fills the gap I fell inside me. 13 years ago, he brought me into the world and held tight to my small body, for just a moment. In daydreams, I imagine that moment to be one of the warmenst there ever was in my life. I love him for holding me, that frightened young child fresh to the air and light, and for making me believe, without even a word, that he would hold me again if I ever needed him to. He reminds me of someone I wouldn't mind seeing every day of my life. A grandfather sweetness, inside a father's helping hand.
October 3, 1985 . . .later . . .
Dinner was good tonight. One of my favorite meals, potato pancakes with creamed-corn topping and vegetables on the side. Mom made it special for me tonight . . .she and Dad ate chicken instead.......To be honest with you, as I always am, many people in Twin Peaks like me. Lots know my name, and especially at school I feel quite popular. The only problem is that I don't really know any of these people the way they think they know me. And I think I am safe in saying, they don't know me at all. Donna knows me the most. But still I am afraid to tell her of my fantasies and my nightmares, because sometimes she is good at understanding, and other times she just giggles, and I don't have the nerve to ask why things like that are funny to her. So I feel badly again and shut up about it for a long time. I love Donna very much, but sometimes I worry that she wouldn't be around me at all if she knew what my insides were like. Black and dark, and soaked with dreams of big, big men and different ways they might hold me and take me into their control. A fairy princess who thinks she has been rescued from the tower, but finds that the man who takes her away is not there to save her.......I hope that is not a bad thing to think.
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