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If Microsoft made cars

1.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2.Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

3.Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4.You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6.The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7.The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8.People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.

10.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11.The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

12.If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13.They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14.There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15.Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16.Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17.If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18.If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19.Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20.You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

The Original Version:

The ant busts his butt in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The new Liberal Version:

It starts out the same but when winter comes the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in a country of such wealth that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill & Hilary Clinton make a special guest appearance on The CBS Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the properity her deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the summer. The summer Bill refers to as the "Temperature of the 80s."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," making it RETRO-ACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs. Having nothing left to pay his Retro-Active taxes, the ant's home is confiscated by the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in -- which just happens to be the ant's old house -- crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, Bill Clinton is standing before a wildly applauding groups of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

Logic 101

1.Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2.You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3.There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4.Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5.Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6.Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7.The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8.The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9.Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10.Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11.Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12.Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13.Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14.I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15.Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16.If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17.All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18.If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

19.One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

20.Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

21.Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

22.The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24.This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

25.Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

26.The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.


To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship -- 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two or more ineffective political parties. Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and God knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.

25 Ways To Annoy Other People

1.Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2.Specify that your drive-through order is "to take away."

3.If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

4.Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

5.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

6.Practice making fax and modem noises.

7.Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

8.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

9.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

10.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

11.Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

12.Staple papers in the middle of the page.

13.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

14.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.


16.type only in lowercase.

17.dont use any punctuation either

18.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

19.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

20.Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

21.Ask people what gender they are.

22.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

23.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

24.Sing along at the opera.