AM I MIDDLE AGED YET??? Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.... There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory the other two I forget... Middle age is when work is a lot less fun-and fun a lot more work... Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds??? Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired... By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere... Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police... Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier... You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you... You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot... You're getting old when your sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started... The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
ARE YOU FEELING OLD YET??? Just in case you weren't feeling too old yet, this will certainly change things. each year the staff of Beloit College in WI puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. they have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era & did not know he had even been shot. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart & do not remember the cold war. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screwed off & plastic recycled. Atari predates the, as do vinyl albums. The expression " you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones? They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never have actually seen or heard one,. The compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year. old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and -white TV. They have always had cable. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They were born the year the Walkman was introduced by Sony. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWl, WWll, or even the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard:"Where's the beef", "I'd walk a mile for Camel", or "de plane, de plane!" They do not care who shot J.R,. and have no idea who J.R. is. The titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. Michael Jackson has always been white.
More Old Stuff... Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
OLD FOLKS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE!! Old folks are worth a fortune--with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a lot more social with the passing of years. Some might even call me a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen a day!
As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.) After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed - with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The Preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the bedroom, or down in the basement - I ask myself, "Now what am I here after?" This was sent to me by Sandy Freeman. Thank you Sandy...
Where did they go? My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years go. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My buns were next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new derriere (although badly attached at least 3 inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. It was 2 years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up,unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. During one spring, my attention was riveted to upper arms - female arms. I studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine in public nor flatten them too tightly against my body. In private I held them straight out and did endless circles that would have tightened my real arms but did nothing for these Silly-Putty caricatures. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? In short order, my right boob could hold a pencil (it seemed particularly cruel to take just one). And my eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of. That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted,"~~look again. Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raising. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs. I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I just know we just went right through a red light". After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they sailed right though it. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it also. So she turned to the othe woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have gotten us both killed !" Mildred turned to her and said ,"Oh, am I driving?"
You know when you're getting old when... 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. (Love this one!) 6. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 7. When happy hour is a nap. 8. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 11. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 12. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 13. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 14. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 15. you sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 16. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 17. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 18. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 19. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 20. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 21. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 22. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 23. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. 25. Your back goes out but you stay home.
STUFF If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
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