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JOKE #1

Subject: ORGANIZATIONAL LESSONS
Lesson number three ...

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to
be Boss.

The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control
the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until  finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at
 the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands  clenched, the feet  twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the
 brain fevered.  Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be  the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work  while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will
 do.
 

JOKE #2
 

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where
>the following group of people are stranded:2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men
and 1 French woman, 2German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 Bulgarian men and 1
Bulgarian woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1American woman and 2 Indian men and 1 Indian
woman
>    One month later on this absolutely stunning
deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has
occurred:
>One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italianwoman. The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together in a "menage a trois". The two German men have a strict weekly schedule
of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other
and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The Bulgarian men took a long look at the
endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. The Irish began by dividing up their island,
Northside and Southside, and by setting up a distillery.  They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about
her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity
of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend  respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.  But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.....AND...
The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introducethem to the Indian woman.
 

JOKE # 3

One day, Bob complained to his friend, ôMy elbow really hurts, I guess I
should see a Doctor.ö  His friend offered, ôDonÆt do that.  ThereÆs a
computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper
than a doctor.  Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will
diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.  It only costs
$10.00.ö  Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with  a
urine sample and deposited the $10.00.  The computer started making some
noise and various lights started flashing.  After a brief pause, out popped
a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow.  Soak
your arm in warm water.  Avoid heavy lifting, it will be better in two
weeks.  Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled.  He decided to give it a try.  He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife
and daughter.  (Sounds yummy.)  To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction. (Are you thirsty yet.)  He went back to the drug store, located
the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.  The computer
again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap
water is too hard.  Get a water softener.  Your dog has warms.  Get him
vitamins.  Your daughter is using cocaine.  Put her in a rehabilitation
clinic.  Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.  They arenÆt yours.  Get a
lawyer.  And if you donÆt stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
better.
 

#####Mated
 

JOKE # 4

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
>enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
>
>If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
>to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
>(Now that's more like it!)
>
>The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
>squirt blood 30 feet.
>(now there's something to visualize)
>
>A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
>(In my next life I want to be a pig!)
>
>Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
>(Still not over that pig thing!)
>
>Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
>(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (and pigs don't????)
>
>On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
>
>The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
>(Hmmmmm.....)
>
>You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
>
>Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
>(yuck!)
>
>Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
>
>(now there's a diet)
>
>You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
>spider.
>(and we fear spider!)
>
>Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
>people do.
>
>(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
>
>In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including
>their eyebrows and eyelashes.
>
>A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
>
>The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
>and always falls over on its right
>side when intoxicated.
>(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this
>research??)
>
>Polar bears are left handed.
>(Who knew....?,Who cares!)
>
>The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the
>animal having the most taste buds.
>
>The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
>length of a football field.
>
>A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
>death.
>
>(Creepy!)
>
>The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
>body. The female initiates sex by
>ripping the males head off.
>("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
>
>Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
>
>(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)
>
>Butterflies taste with their feet.
>(Oh, geez!)
>
>Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
>
>A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
>(and we know this how???)
>
>An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
>(I know some people like that.)
>
>Starfish don't have brains.
>(I know some people like that too!)
>
>After reading all these, all I can says..."Damn Pigs"!!
>