12/30/04 - Bumper sticker.. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
12/29/04 - It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
12/28/04 - Mother nature can be one vicious rip!
12/27/04 - Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. ~ Mark Twain
12/26/04 - A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. ~ Unknown
12/25/04 - T.G.I.O.!!! (Thank goodness it's over!)
12/23/04 - I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there. ~ Herb Caen
12/22/04 - I am not alone at all, I thought. I was never alone at all. And that, of course, is the message of Christmas. We are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the word seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses. ~ Taylor Caldwell
12/21/04 - Whatever else be lost among the years, Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing: Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears, Let us hold close one day, remembering Its poignant meaning for the hearts of men. Let us get back our childlike faith again. ~ Grace Noll Crowell
12/20/04 - Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him. ~ Unknown
12/19/04 - Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home! ~ Charles Dickens
12/18/04 - In the words of Ebeneezer Scrooge... BAH HUMBUG!
12/17/04 - Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world - stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death - and that the blessed life which began in Bethlehem nineteen hundred years ago is the image and brightness of the Eternal Love? Then you can keep Christmas. ~ Henry Van Dyke
12/16/04 - Why is it that so many bad things happen this time of year.. or is it they just seem worse during the holidays becasue we have the ingrained notion that all should be right with the world at this time?
12/15/04 - There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. ~ Dr. Henry Kissinger.
12/14/04 - The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas. ~ W. C. Jones
12/13/04 - Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart... filled it, too, with a melody that would last forever. ~ Bess Streeter Aldrich
12/12/04 - Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home! ~ Charles Dickens
12/11/04 - There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ~ Erma Bombeck
12/10/04 - Yikes! Fourteen days til Christmas Eve!
12/09/04 - Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet. ~ Unknown
12/08/04 - I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple
12/07/04 - The threat of Christmas hung in the air, visible already in the fretful look of passersby as they readied themselves for the meaningless but necessary rites of false jovialities and ill-considered gifts. ~ Peter Dickinson
12/06/04 - Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year's gifts. ~ Unknown
12/05/04 - Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. ~ Mark Twain
12/04/04 - Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
12/02/04 - Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. ~ Unknown
12/01/04 - The purpose of life is to fight maturity. ~ Dick Werthimer
11/30/04 - I would like to thank all of the Canadians that came out to greet me. Especially those that waved with all five fingers. ~ President George W. Bush
11/29/04 - If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
11/23/04 - I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving! One holiday down.. one to go!
11/22/04 - The scale at the doctor's office has a chart showing the desired weight per height. Thanks to it, I now know my problem. I'm not overweight; I'm under tall!
11/21/04 - Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. ~ Mark Twain
11/19/04 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
11/15/04 - We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. ~ Will Rogers
11/14/04 - Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. ~ Mark Twain
11/13/04 - Every man's memory is his private literature. ~ Aldous Huxley
11/12/04 - The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal. ~ Mark Twain
11/09/04 - Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from excessive use.
11/08/04 - Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom. ~ Phyllis Theroux
11/07/04 - If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock. ~ Justice Arthur Goldberg
11/05/04 - By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. ~ Mark Twain
11/04/04 - In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes. ~ Adlai Stevenson
11/03/04 - Adios Tom and John! :O)
11/02/04 - The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep. ~ Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.
11/01/04 - Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else. ~ Lyndon B Johnson
10/28/04 - Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. ~ PJ O'Rourke
10/26/04 - You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. ~ Al Capone
10/25/04 - The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person who is doing it. ~ Chinese Proverb
10/24/04 - Some people are angels in disquise. :O)
10/23/04 - I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ~ Will Rogers
10/22/04 - We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate. ~ Kin Hubbard
10/21/04 - A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. ~ Fred Allen
10/19/04 - Don't get excited about a tax cut. It's like a mugger giving you back fare for a taxi. ~ Arnold Glasow
10/17/04 - A fool and his money are soon elected. ~ Will Rogers
10/16/04 - It's not the voting that's democracy... it's the counting. ~ Tom Stoppard
10/15/04 - The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
10/13/04 - My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. ~ Mark Twain
10/12/04 - If you can't convince them, confuse them.
10/11/04 - An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect. ~ Mark Twain
Just a thought Karen.. no hidden meaning.. *L*10/10/04 - In my next life I'm not having kids!
10/07/04 - One of the perks of getting older... people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
10/06/04 - I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I had any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
10/05/04 - An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. - Simon Cameron
10/04/04 - In golf you hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
10/03/04 - I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. ~ Mark Twain
10/01/04 - A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs. ~ Mark Twain
09/29/04 - When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~ Henny Youngman
09/28/04 - You never know what tomorrow might bring, it might surprise the crap out of you and be something good. - Karen Winters
09/27/04 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
09/26/04 - Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them. ~ Ann Landers
09/25/04 - It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. ~ Mark Twain
09/22/04 - I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
09/21/04 - When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. ~ Mark Twain
09/20/04 - Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. ~ Mark Twain
09/19/04 - Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
09/17/04 - Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
09/16/04 - Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. ~ George Burns
09/15/04 - Don't take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
09/14/04 - Considering all the lint you get in your dryer if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
09/12/04 - If you are going on a trip.. make sure you take your bags with you after you pack them!
09/09/04 - Never trust a man with short legs... his brains are too near his bottom. ~ Noel Coward
09/08/04 - Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. ~ Mark Twain
09/07/04 - Whenever I feel blue, I remind myself to start breathing again.
09/06/04 - Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. ~ Mark Twain
09/03/04 - Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
09/02/04 - Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain
09/01/04 - Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. ~ Mark Twain
08/30/04 - Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
08/29/04 - When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." ~ Unknown
08/28/04 - I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
08/27/04 - The nice thing about egotists is they don't talk about other people. ~ Lucille Harper
08/26/04 - We learn so many things from golf- how to suffer, for instance. ~ Bruce Lansky
08/25/04 - Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. ~ Mark Twain
08/23/04 - You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. ~ Dean Martin
08/22/04 - There's nothing wrong with this country that a good election couldn't fix. ~ Richard Nixon
08/20/04 - Life is sexually transmitted.
08/19/04 - It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. ~ Mark Twain
08/18/04 - I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. ~ Mark Twain
08/17/04 - Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. ~ Mark Twain
08/12/04 - I don't do drugs. I get the same effect by just standing up fast.
08/11/04 - If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. example: peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon
08/10/04 - Everyone needs a baby goat in their life..
07/28/04 - I stay in marvelous shape. I worry it off. ~ Nancy Reagan
07/27/04 - I belong to no organized party... I'm a Democrat. ~ Will Rogers
07/26/04 - The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. ~ Heney Kissinger
07/24/04 - I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~ Jennifer Unlimited
07/22/04 - I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. ~ Roseanne Barr
07/21/04 - Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
07/20/04 - Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
07/16/04 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich.
07/15/04 - What I have said and what you think I have said can mean two completely different things.
07/14/04 - Don't operate table saw while looking through belly button. ~ Old Chinese Proverb
07/11/04 - If a man spoke in the forest and there wasn't a woman there to hear him, would he still be wrong?
07/09/04 - Love is blind.. marriage is the eye-opener. ~ Pauline Thomason
07/08/04 - Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. ~ Katherine Hepburn
07/07/04 - Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. ~ Barry LePatner
07/06/04 - Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike the least. ~ Robert Byrne
07/05/04 - The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the president?" ~ Will Rogers
07/03/04 - He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts. ~ Samuel Johnson
07/02/04 - If it has tires or testicles you're going to have trouble with it.
06/30/04 - Our judicial system is structured to protect the guilty.
06/28/04 - Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
06/27/04 - George Washington couldn't tell a lie, Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Bill Clinton couldn't tell the difference.
06/24/04 - Caffeine is for people who feel they aren't irritable enough on their own. ~ J. Wagner
06/23/04 - Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
06/22/04 - Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ~ Dave Barry
06/21/04 - I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life. ~ Spock
06/20/04 - Some people are like Slinkies.... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
06/19/04 - Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
06/17/04 - My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone!
06/16/04 - It's my cat's world, I'm just here to open the cans.
06/14/04 - A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. ~ H.H. Munro
06/13/04 - Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
06/12/04 - I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
06/10/04 - Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
06/09/04 - Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
06/08/04 - Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
06/07/04 - In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
06/03/04 - A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
06/02/04 - Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
05/28/04 - Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
05/24/04 - Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
05/23/04 - In God we trust.. all others we polygraph.
05/15/04 - If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change. ~ John A. Simone Sr.
05/14/04 - The obituaries in the newspaper prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that people die in alphabetical order.
05/13/04 - The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem. ~ Theodore Rubin
05/12/04 - We got rid of the kids.. the cat was allergic.
05/08/04 - I childproofed my house, but they still get in!
05/06/04 - Hmmm.... maybe I'm over-medicated. I can't seem to remember to put a thought and a fact in lately! *L*
05/02/04 - Dangerously under-medicated!
05/01/04 - If you ask my opinion, you had better be ready to hear it!
04/29/04 - When the hell is life going to settle down!
04/25/04 - Be carefull what you wish for...you might get it.
04/22/04 - I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question. ~ Spock
04/21/04 - The four stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He plays Santa Claus. He looks like Santa Claus.
04/20/04 - Everything in life boils down to one simple theory.. Do whatever the heck you want to do, until it infringes on someone else's right to do whatever the heck they want to do. If everyone lived by this mantra, the world would be a happier place... ~ Saint
04/19/04 - Anger is a condition in which the tongue is faster than the mind.
04/17/04 - At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all. ~ Unknown
04/15/04 - If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
04/14/04 - Lime flies when you're having fun!
04/13/04 - Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
04/12/04 - Isn't there some inefficiency in asking me advice on matters you've already decided? ~ Spock
04/11/04 - I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
04/10/04 - A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
04/07/04 - If we quit voting, will they all go away?
04/06/04 - Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
04/05/04 - If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
04/04/04 - The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
04/02/04 - How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
04/01/04 - You can't be late until you show up.
03/31/04 - Reality is over-rated!
03/30/04 - I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
03/29/04 - I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
03/28/04 - Courage is grace under pressure. ~ Ernest Hemingway
03/26/04 - You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
03/25/04 - What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
03/24/04 - If I wanted you to know what I was thinking about, I'd be talking to you. - Al Bundy
03/23/04 - Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. - Oscar Wilde
03/21/04 - What we think is the end of the world could be blessings in disguise.
03/20/04 - It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.
03/19/04 - Misery loves company. Wanna hang out?
03/18/04 - I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
03/17/04 - Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell. ~ Unknown
03/16/04 - The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
03/15/04 - When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. ~ Norm Crosby
03/14/04 - Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
02/28/04 - This it it for a couple of weeks.. If You get a collect call from a Mexican jail.. please accept the charges. :O)
02/27/04 - If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
02/26/04 - Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
02/25/04 - The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
02/24/04 - Seize the opportunity--think of all the women on the Titanic who passed up the dessert cart.
02/23/04 - The beatings will continue until morale improves.
02/22/04 - Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. ~ Henry Louis Mencken
02/21/04 - A bend in the road is not the end of the road...unless you fail to make the turn. ~ Unknown
02/19/04 - Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
02/18/04 - Do not write so that you can be understood, write so that you cannot be misunderstood. - Epictetus
02/17/04 - After all is said and done, there's always a lot more said than done.
02/17/04 - Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense, and the past perfect.
02/13/04 - I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past. ~ Thomas Jefferson
02/12/04 - Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. ~ African proverb
02/11/04 - The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
02/10/04 - One of the perks of getting older.. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
02/09/04 - I can't help it. My superiority complex is not only bigger and better than anybody else's, it's more complicated.
02/08/04 - Keep America clean. Eat a pigeon. (Sorry Jack)
02/07/04 - There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. ~ Josh Billings
02/06/04 - In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
02/05/04 - Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~ Benjamin Franklin
02/04/04 - I need a Newton and a nap!
02/02/04 - Snowmen fall from heaven, unassembled.
02/01/04 - Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.
01/31/04 - It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~ Mark Twain
01/30/04 - Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. ~ Robin Williams
01/29/04 - Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. ~ Jack Handy
01/28/04 - Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?
01/27/04 - In order to avoid criticism, never do anything. Ever.
01/26/04 - Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized
01/25/04 - Daylight savings time: Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
01/24/04 - Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
01/23/04 - There's no place like home!
01/10/04 - Sunshine.. Tecate... golf... Tecate... chips & salsa.. Tecate.. :O) I shall return...
01/09/04 - There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
01/08/04 - The grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for. ~ Joseph Addison
01/07/04 - Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~ Benjamin Franklin
01/06/04 - A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. ~ Robert Frost
01/05/04 - There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. ~ Will Rogers
01/04/04 - If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~ Mary Engelbreit
01/03/04 - Ohnosecond: That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you have made a BIG mistake.
01/02/04 - If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. ~ Catherine
01/01/04 - Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
HOME
