Darth Keillor's Homepage of Evil and Unfunniness
My Evil Minions
- Chris Farley
- Jar Jar Binks
- The Cohen Brothers
- The Olsen Twins
- Patsy and Edina from Absolutely Fabulous
- Bob and Margaret
- Dr.Katz, Professional Therapist
- Tom Arnold
- The Family Circus
- Citizen Dog
- Wee Pals
- The Flintstones
- Viva Variety
- Carrot Top
- Howie Mandel
- Bobby's World
- The McDonalds 'I'm all over it' guy
- Larry Sanders (Not Gary Shandling, Larry Sanders)
- The Rugrats Comic strip
Resources for the Battle
Our Lord with one of his minions
The Hivemind eagerly awaits your return...
Darth Keillor would like to shout out to his good friends in the Hivemind. (Don't bother to join; chances are you already have.)
Thank you for joining the Dark Side! Allow me to introduce myself....I am Darth Keillor, Supreme Emperatur of Unfunny. As you well know, our campaign to infiltrate popular culture and turn all that is funny to bland, unfunny, tedious, politically correct, moralizing, pontificating, lecturing, boring, soporific mush is going spendidly! The first such example, of course, is the totally dull, uninispired appearance of this very webpage. You've all done very well! After forcing "Bloom County," "The Far Side," and "Calvin and Hobbes" to dissappear from the newspapers, it seemed our victory was complete! Unfortunately, a new menace (Almost phantom, if you will)has aisen: New funny comics. "Zits," "Curtis," "Sherman's Lagoon," "Drabble," "Foxtrot," and "Luan." This is totally unacceptable.
Remember our Mantra as you go about your daily affairs:
"If something is funnier than any of Billy's antics, it must be destroyed!"
"Hi, I'm evil!"
MAJOR VICTORY FOR UNFUNNY!!!
As all you unfunny drones out there know,I, your evil overlord, have recently spoken with our overseas affiliate at UnFunCon '99. Due to globalization- thank you, New World Order - most countries don't bother to produce thwier own 'funniness' anymore. Most simply import it from the US, making our mission much easier. One notable exception, however, is Japan. This nation is the home of Tenchi, Child's Toy, and Lodos War (With Fallis, bringer of light). This is not good. Luckily, I have just completed work on a project to drain this plucky squid-eating land of all its funniness. I call it: Neon Genesis Evangelion!
Here's a little sneak preview of what you can expect!
Neon Genesis Evangelion, Episode 1, Script 1, Draft 1,
Written by Tokyo Rose
(NEVUS HQ, A SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB BENEATH THE RAVAGED REMAINS OF TOKYO 12 1/2, YEAR 2321,MAY 2, 3:00 PM)
Misato: Man, life sure is a bummer since Godzilla smashed up the city, eh?
Shinji: Don't you mean the Angels?
Misato: Yeah, but I'm drunk right now. (Swigs some sake)
Shinji: By the way, I'm painfully shy because my father is so emotionally distant.
Shinji's Evil Dad: Shinji, I am your evil dad, Rod.(Joke set-up!)I want you to pilot my big, untested robot that I built using alien technology that I don't understand. You have to do this, because you're the only person who can connect with the robot.
Shinji: (Cowering)Don't hurt me!
Misato: Shinji,I am an army colonel. Yeah, I know, just trust me on this. Come back to my squallid apartment where I live amidst beer cans and penguin filth. Oh, and i'll also provide fan service for the audience! (swigs some brandy)
Audience: I guess that's a good thing...she's not bad lookin'.
Misato: Now meet the other robot pilots! (swigs some cheap wine)
(Asuka and Rei enter)
Asuka: Hi, I'm a bitch! I'm also German; that's why I have such an authentic German name like Asuka. Where are my raw squid rolls?
Misato:Rei is actually a clone of your mother, Shinji. See, that's why your dad loves her so much more than he loves you. (Swigs some beer)
Audience: Ewwww...she's fourteen years old.
Shinji: I'm scared.
Asuka: Shinji, you moron! You don't know how to fly a robot! Only I, the great Asuka, know. Bow down to me!
Shinji: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
(Asuka beats the snot out of Shinji, while Rei watches in stony, uncomprehending silence)
Teacher: Hi, I'm the teacher from Shinji's school. I never actually do anything in this series except give lectures about the First impact. Over and over. In fact, everytime you see me I'll be in the background talking about it. Yet, strangely, you'll always come in at just the wrong time to actually hear any new information. So here we go again: the first impact was in Antarctica, and caused a big explosion...
Shinji's Evil Dad: The Angels are attacking! Shinji, you must go out there and risk your life to save the crumbling, abandoned topside husk that was once Tokyo.
Shinji: Please...don't. I'm scared. Why me?
Shinji's Evil dad: Well, they need me down here. I mean, who else is going to fold their hands like this and glower at everyone. And Misato's got the delirium tremors.
Misato: I can quit anytime I want...(swigs a snifter of rum)
(Shinji gets into his giant robot via a special cylindrical pod that is inserted between the giant robot's legs...look, I don't make this stuff up. Go rent the show if you don't believe me. If you're uncomfortable with the phallic connotations, just pretend it's a massive tampon, okay? The robot creaks to life, a cacophony of shrill bangs and pings, as its rusty gears and cogs slowly begin to spin. A massive steamwork engine powers the towering behemoth.)
Misato: Wow, that alien technology is so advanced that I can't make heads or tails of it!
Shinji's Evil Dad: Shinji, you idiot! You forgot to turn that big key in its back!
Shinji:Oh God, I just wet myself...
(The giant robot goes topside, where it encounters another big robot)
Other big Robot: Be not afraid! I bring tidings of joy for a savior is born this day in Bethesda -
(Shinji attacks the other big robot with wussy, limp-wristed girly slaps. The other robot kicks his robot's big metal posterior clear across the city.)
Everyone: Shinji, you are the most pathetic loser we've ever seen! What kind of emotionally fragile 14 year old boy can't power a giant machine of mayhem and destruction, and use it to rain fiery death upon his enemies?
Audience:Where's our fan service? You promised!
(The other robot attacks Shinji with a barrage of pretentious, pseudo-artsy Christ images)
Shinji: Oh, father, why have you forsaken me?
Shinji's Evil Dad:Cause you're such a pansy. Some son I have, can't even do a simple thing like rip a giant robot's head off. Come on, Rei, let's go imply that we're having sex.
Shinji: I thirst. (The other robot nails Shinji's robot to a wall, taking care to ensure that Shinji's robot's arms remain outstretched- almost as if- as if- say, it's almost as if he's been crucified!)
Audience: Oh, I get it now...Shinji's a Christ figure because he sacrifices himself for all mankind.
Audience: What a novel idea! The director is a genius!
Director: Damn skippy.
Misato: Truly he was the son of Rod.(Joke Pay-off! Badda-bing!)(Swigs a stein o' ale)
(Meanwhile, deep within the inert splotch of gray matterthat once constituted Shinji's brain, a single spark of consciousness still flickers faintly. The Immortals from "Steppenwolf" float into the picture and pluck Shinji from the twisted mass of belts and gears. Shinji realizes that they are now riding in a passanger compartment of an intercity train. The sun blinds Shinji, so that he cannot see the face of his savior, who sits across from him.)
Immortals: Shinji, we're the Immortals, here to teach you about "Instrumentality."
Shinji: What? What's that got to do with anything? I don't understand.
Immortals: Shut up, it's artsy. Basically, "Instrumentality" means that every person in the world will be able to know exactly what every other person is thinking, and humanity will become one massive hivemind. Have you considered what a healthy, healing relationship with "Instrumentality" can do for you?
Shinji: Will it hurt? I'm scared!
Immortals: We've got some pamphlets...
(Meanwhile, it's time for the abrupt, unsatisfying, and highly confusing ending...)
Shinji's Evil Dad: I'm still evil!
Asuka: I'm still a bitch, but now you know why!
Misato: I've got scorhosis.(swigs some rubbing alcohol)
Shinji: I love you all! Hope you accept "Instrumentality" into your life! (Shaves his head and runs off to toss flowers at some in-coming tourists)
Audience: Where's our !%(*@&$?@ fan service?