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Jokes!!

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POOL

On Saturday morning Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.
  So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob.  "Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy.  She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy!"
"Okay, then.  Here's what I want you to do.  Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to mommy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?"  "Well, mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my God.  And what about uncle Frank?"
    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?  Is this 555-6677?"



Congressman's Money

A theif stuck a pistol in a gentleman's ribs and said, 'Give me your money.' The gentleman shocked by the sudden attack said, 'You cannot do this, I am a congressman.' The thief said, 'In that case, give me my money.'



The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed. The couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said 'I need a good guard dog.' And the clerk replied 'Sorry, we're all sold out, all we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.'
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, 'Karate that chair.' The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog 'Karate that table.' The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog.
But then she told her huspand that it knew karate, and he said 'Karate my ass!' And to this very day he is still in the hospital.



God Is Missing

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'
The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.
His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'
The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'


Man With No Ears

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.' Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'
The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'


Equality

At the 1997 World Women's Conference, the first speaker, from England, stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roastlamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker, from America, stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker, from Nigeria, stood up:
"After di Konference finish last year, na im I go house com tell Baba Sade say I no go do im cooking, im cleaning or go market for am again lai lai, and dat im go do am imsef. The first day I no see anytin. The second day sef, I no see notin. But the third day, as the swelling begin dey go down, I start to see small small from my left eye.


Gags for the Office Drone

Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT GAGS

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT GAGS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-feet long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets